The Responsible, Compassionate Relationship

By Wayne C. Allen

This booklet looks more deeply at establishing a highly functional relationship-a compassionate, responsible relationship.
~“Compassionate for whom?” and “Responsible for what?”
The answers:
Compassion: For yourself. For your partner. On average, in balance. Without compromise.
Responsible: For yourself. For your behaviour and for meeting your needs. Without manipulation. Without compromise.
This booklet takes the learning of "The Responsible, Compassionate Relationship" and expands on them, so that your relationship moves from ordinary to extraordinary.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Wayne C. Allen
• Release date: Jun 26, 2011
• ISBN: 9780987719201

Wayne C. Allen

Wayne C. Allen is the web's Simple Zen Guy. He's a retired psychotherapist who counselled over 1000 clients. Wayne's approach to writing, life, and living comes from his love of Zen. His emphasis is on living in the now, and taking full responsibility for "how everything goes." Wayne's books are written in easy to understand language, and his insights are fresh and to the point. In everything he does, Wayne teaches wholeness, peace, and clarity of thought. You can read more about Wayne's Books at his publishing site. In his spare time he's a painter and photographer. Wayne and Darbella are now travelling the world, teaching, learning, and enjoying “retirement.”

Book preview

A Phoenix Centre Zen Living Guidebook

The Responsible, Compassionate

Relationship

Wayne C. Allen, M.Th

Wayne C. Allen

©2011 Wayne C. Allen, M.Th.

Smashwords Edition

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web site: http://www.phoenixcentre.com/

More books by Wayne C. Allen: http://www.phoenixcentrepress.com/

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Chapter 1: About the Author:

Wayne C. Allen was born in Buffalo, New York in January of 1951.

His interest in psychology and religion led him to Elmhurst Illinois, where he completed a B. A. in both areas (1973). He immigrated to Ontario, Canada in 1975.

In 1981, Wayne received a Masters of Divinity (M.Div) from the University of Toronto (Knox College.) graduated with a Masters in Pastoral Counselling (M.Th) in 1983.

Since 1983, Wayne has been in Private Practice in Ontario, Canada. His interest in Zen, coupled with his fervent belief in self-responsibility, has led him to develop a style of counselling he calls Zen Bodywork Psychotherapy. Combining Body and Breathwork, dialog and teaching, Wayne's approach allows his clients the optimum opportunity for personal growth and insight.

Wayne's expertise in Bodywork and Breathwork has led to public teaching events and media attention. Wayne was recently featured on Body + Health, teaching breathing techniques for stress reduction.

Wayne is the author of four books, the latest (2009) being Half Asleep in the Buddha Hall , a book rooted in Zen-based approaches to self-responsibility.

Getting EXACTLY the Relationship You Want: http://www.phoenixcentre.com/press/getting-exactly/exactly/

Half Asleep in the Buddha Hall: http://www.phoenixcentre.com/press/buddha-index/

This Endless Moment sales page: http://www.phoenixcentre.com/press/this-endless-moment/tem_info/

Subscribe to our Blog and read |Wayne’s musings on life and elegant living—Wayne teaches you excellent communication, focus, and self-responsibility. http://www.phoenixcentre.com/blog

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Chapter 2: Introduction

Trusting you read the first booklet in this series, Building a Deep and Lasting Relationship. This booklet builds upon the insights found there.

It is time to look more deeply at establishing a highly functional relationship, which I call the compassionate, responsible relationship.

Now, the first and most obvious question is, compassionate for whom? and responsible for what?

The answers:

Compassion: For yourself. For your partner. On average, in balance. Without compromise.

Responsible: For yourself. For your behaviour and for meeting your needs. Without manipulation. Without compromise.

That should effectively eliminate 90% of all relationships out there. Most relationships are based upon winning, being declared right, or teaching my spouse all the things she or he is too stupid to figure out for him/herself.

As you have likely noticed, I am an advocate for being a responsible adult. As such, I am responsible, totally, for what I feel, what I do, how I act, and how I choose to relate.

As a responsible adult,

I am not genetically predisposed to be a jerk, although that may be how my parents behaved toward each other.

I am not the victim of others, who I judge are out to get me, despite the fact that some people may not like me or have used their influence to attempt to hurt me.

I am not the wise and all-knowing person who, by force of will, persuades others of the error of their ways, using sarcasm, logic or nattering to change their minds.

As a responsible adult, I have the choice, always, to deepen my relationship, or to alienate myself from my partner. As a responsible adult, I choose to do this no matter what my partner is doing.

Now, if it appears, on the surface, as if a responsible, compassionate relationship is impossible, let me assure you that it is not.

Nor, on the other hand, is it easy.

Easy is falling into the same old bad habits you have always fallen into.

Easy is blaming, rolling around in the mud, using guilt as a weapon.

Easy are all of the manipulative behaviours we discussed in the Relationships booklet.

Now, if you to put this booklet aside and simply make use of what you have learned in the first booklet, you would have a successful relationship.

I call this Level One Change.

You would be able to identify the patterns of behaviour that get you and keep you stuck.

You would be speaking in I language.

You would be identifying what you need and asking for it.

You would be learning to discuss issues through to conclusion rather than simply fighting to win.

Level Two Change is where the action is."

At the level of a responsible, compassionate relationship, we enter into a bond with another person, and that bond is designed, as Scott Peck once put it, to allow each person to actively participate in the Spiritual growth of the other person.

I unpack Peck’s language to mean that, in my relationship with Darbella, we have in each other a witness for what we are learning about ourselves. This witnessing is participation, through dialogue, in the