Build a High-Nurturance Stepfamily: A Guidebook for Co-Parents

By Peter K. Gerlach

Note: hyperlinks below will take you to the Break the Cycle! Website (formerly "Stepfamily inFormation") that this book and series are based on. Use your browsers "back" button to return to Xlibris.

This is the fourth volume in a series of six dedicated to breaking the epidemic [wounds + unawareness] cycle that promotes Americas tragic divorce divorce epidemic. The prior volume, Stepfamily Courtship (Xlibris.com, 2002), outlines seven Projects to help courting couples make wise commitment decisions.

This book for stepfamily coparents and supporters adds five more projects based on the prior seven ones. If couples didnt do the prior projects (which is common), they can start the first six any time. A sobering reality: if either partner made any unwise courtship choices, its unlikely that doing these other 11 Projects will guard them and their dependents from the five hazards that promote psychological or legal re/divorce. Nonetheless, working at the the projects will give minor kids their best chance at avoiding inherited psychological wounds, and passing them on to their descendents like their unaware ancestors did.

The five post-re/wedding co-parenting projects are:

8) Nourish your re/marriage and steadily keep it your second priority, after personal integrity and wholistic health - except in emrgencies. In complex multi-home stepfamilies this is hard for many couples to do; as they

9) Merge three or more multi-generational biofamilies, and evolve strategies to resolve inevitable values and loyalty conflicts and Persecutor-Victim-Rescuer relationship triangles; while you

10) (a) Build a co-parenting team with your kids other parents, (b) stay current on your kids progress with their many developmental and adjustment needs, and (c) continually adjust and refine your co-parenting job descriptions based on your stepfamily mission statement. Because all nine of these ongoing co-parent projects are complex, confusing, and conflictual

11) Intentionally build a support network for you and your kids, and use it regularly. Finally

12) Help each other (a) stay balanced personally, re/maritally, and co-parentally each day, and (b) enjoy this wholechallenging, en

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris US
• Release date: Nov 12, 2002
• ISBN: 9781469103310

Peter K. Gerlach

Therapist Peter Gerlach has researched stepfamilies professionally since 1979. This series of books and the related non-profit Web site at http://sfhelp.org come from _ an extensive review of stepfamily literature for his Social Work master's thesis, _ over 17,000 hours' classroom and clinical consultation with more than 1,000 co-parents and kids, and _ living in two stepfamilies. An ex engineer, trainer, and manager, Peter has also studied and taught communication skills for 30 years. He's been recovering as an "ACoA" son of two alcoholics since 1986. That led to research on the impact of a low-nurturance environment on young kids, and how clinicians can help survivors heal. Peter is an invited member of the Stepfamily Association of America's Board of Directors and a contributing editor to Your Stepfamily magazine.

Book preview

BUILD A HIGH-

NURTURANCE

STEPFAMILY

A GUIDEBOOK FOR CO-PARENTS

VOLUME 4 OF A DIVORCE-PREVENTION SERIES

PETER K. GERLACH, MSW

COPYRIGHT © 2001 BY PETER K. GERLACH, MSW.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form

or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by

any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the

copyright owner.

This book was printed in the United States of America.

To order additional copies of this book, contact:

Xlibris Corporation

1-888-7-XLIBRIS

www.Xlibris.com

[e-mail]

13554

Contents

Why Read This Book?

First Things First …

Acknowledgements

PART 1: FOUNDATIONS

1) About This Series

2) Get The Most From This Book

3) What’s A High-nurturance Family?

4) A Re/Marital Quiz

5) Stepfamily Realities

6) Why Most U.S. Re/marriages Fail

7) 12 Long-term Co-parent Projects

PART 2: CO-PARENT PROJECTS 8-12

Project 8: Nourish Your Re/marriage

Project 9a) Merge Your Biofamilies

Project 9b) Resolve Merger Stressors

Project10a) Build an Effective Co-parenting Team

Project 10b) Effective Child Discipline In Stepfamilies

Project 11: Build A Support Network

Project 12: Balance All, And Enjoy!

15) Troubleshooting And Recap

PART 3: RESOURCES

A) Worksheet: False-self Traits

B) Stepfamily Adjustment Tasks

C) How We Handle Loyalty Conflicts

D) Worksheet: A Relationship Profile

E) Relationship Strengths And Stressors

F) Discover Your Current Priorities

G) What Your (Step)Kids Need

H) Stepfamily Relationship Terms

I ) Selected Resources

To our millions of kids struggling to survive in

low-nurturance families, and to their co-parents, kin,

and professionals who give their best despite their

inherited wounds and unawareness’s.

Why Read This Book?

This chapter outlines _ why this book (and series) exists, _ who can benefit from reading it, and _ what you’ll find between the covers.

Why Does This Book Exist?

The non-profit Stepfamily Association of America estimates that 60% of U.S. re/marriages end in legal divorce. This compares to just under 50% for recent first marriages. Millions of other adults and kids exist miserably in stressful, unhappy homes and families because re/divorce isn’t practical or safe. The / notes that it may be a stepparent’s first union.

Something is very wrong. This series of books proposes what it is, and what to do about it.

his chapter outlines _ why this book (and series) exists,

I’ve studied divorce and stepfamily dynamics full time since 1979. I’ve spent over 17,000 therapeutic and classroom hours with over 1,000 typical stepfamily co-parents (stepparents and bioparents) since 1981. Based on these experiences and my own as a stepson and divorced stepfather, I propose that there are five inter-related reasons for our tragic divorce epidemic: Significant psychological wounds in one or more stepfamily co-parents and kids, inherited from wounded, unaware ancestors; plus . . .

Co-parent unawareness of _ vital concepts about effective parenting and communicating, inner wounding, stepfamily realities and tasks, and healthy grieving; and _ of their own unawareness; plus . . .

Blocked grief of up to three sets of prior losses in co-parents and minor and grown kids; and . . .

Courtship neediness and inevitable reality distortions and denials; and . . .

Little informed support for courting and re/wedded co-parents in the media and in local communities.

These five unseen factors combine to cause average needy men and women like you to pick the wrong people to re/wed (co-parents, kids, and kin), for the wrong reasons, at the wrong time. If you’re re/married and haven’t read the book Stepfamily Courtship [www.xlibris.com], you may have made up to three wrong re/marital and co-parenting choices without knowing it. Major symptoms are significant _ marital and/or _ health problems including addictions, and _ one or more troubled minor or grown kids.

The good news: if the five hazards above are burdening you all, or may, there is much you can do for your kids and yourselves. I urge you partners to start by reading Stepfamily Courtship together, or the Internet equivalent at [http:// sfhelp.org/]. It describes the five hazards you face in some detail, and outlines six projects you can commit to together to avoid or overcome them. The seventh project applies to courting couples.

This book adds five more post-wedding projects you’ll need to protect you all from the hazards above. See an overview of all 12 in Chapter 7. All projects but #7 are concurrent. They vary over time between dormant and active, and many reoccur. Because of the complexity of all these multi-part tasks on top of your other daily activities, Project 12 helps you keep your balances and pace yourselves as your stepfamily adventure unfolds.

Should You Read This Book?

Yes, if you’re one or more of these . . .

A custodial or noncustodial parent _ considering separation or divorce, or _ adjusting to it. If it’s your first such experience, the odds are ~75% that you’ll re/marry within a decade after legal divorce, forming a stepfamily. This is specially true for fathers.

A widowed parent who may re/marry.

A childless adult who wants to court or marry a partner with existing kids.

A divorced parent who’s ex mate may re/marry or already

has.

A re/married co-parent in a new (under five years old) or troubled stepfamily.

A concerned friend or relative of such women and men, specially a grandparent. And/or . . .

A human-service professional who wants to support troubled, divorced or widowed, and re/marrying couples and their kids. This includes clergy, counselors, therapists, educators, welfare workers, doctors, divorce mediators, and family-law legislators, attorneys, and judges. This book is also for the professionals who teach, fund, supervise, certify, and evaluate family-service providers. Most human-service professionals have no training in what you’ll read in this series and the related Web articles.

If you see yourself above and you haven’t read Stepfamily Courtship, you probably don’t know what you don’t know about some key relationship skills (Chapter 4), stepfamily realities (Chapter 5) and the five re/marriage hazards (Chapter 6). Longing for elusive happiness, comfort, love, security, and companionship, most re/marrying co-parents don’t really want to believe the hazards will surely apply to them (reality distortion). The eventual price of this denial is steep: expensive middle-aged legal or psychological re/divorce, shattered dreams and self worth, wizened hope for a contented old age, bitter regrets, and justified anxiety about deeply wounded kids.

This is too awful for most people to face squarely, so we deny our denials, and seek short-term distraction and comforts. This puts millions of living and unborn kids at high risk of painful, wasted years and lives. You don’t have to accept this!

What’s In This Book?

It’s in three sections: foundations, five post-re/marriage projects for co-parents, and resources.

PART 1 provides seven foundations:

Five reasons this series of divorce-prevention books is unique, credible, and useful; and a four-part theory that underlies the series (Chapter 1).

Suggestions on how you can get the most from these books and the related resources (Chapter 2).

28 traits of a high-nurturance family, and a summary of the six psychological wounds that cripple typical co-parents who survived low-nurturance childhoods: i.e. most co-parents (Chapter 3).

A self-assessment quiz on life skills all co-parents and supporters need to know, and pointers to where to find the knowledge (Chapter 4).

An overview of key stepfamily realities, based on 23 years’ research (Chapter 5). These offset almost 60 common myths that most people hold, which cause unrealistic expectations and stress adults and kids. See the Web articles starting at [http:// sfhelp.org/04/myths.htm].

An outline of five toxic factors that destroy well over half of American re/marriages (Chapter 6). I suspect three of these cause most first divorces, and promote many other social problems. And . . .

A summary of 12 projects that I believe can help committed couples beat the gloomy re/divorce odds (Chapter 7). These are not (directly) related to the 12 addiction-recovery steps.

PART 2 provides a chapter on each of your five post-re/ wedding projects. Two Project-9 chapters describe _ merging three or more biofamilies, and _ resolving inevitable conflicts from doing do. Project 10 also spans two chapters: _ building a co-parenting team, and _ effective child discipline in stepfamilies. The last chapter offers troubleshooting suggestions, and suggests options and next steps.

These pages include many references to supplementary resources in the Web site [http://sfhelp.org]. The full knowledge base you can access from the books in this series totals well over 1,000 letter-sized printed pages. The design is modular, so you can enter the knowledge base at many portals.

PART 3 offers 10 resources to help you with your 11 ongoing co-parenting projects:

A)   A checklist of 49 behavioral traits of co-parents and kids with significant psychological wounding.

B)   A summary of 36 adjustment tasks unique to typical new stepfamilies. Use this to check your progress.

C)   A worksheet to help you see how you handle loyalty-conflicts in your stepfamily.

D)   A worksheet to help you assess a past or present primary relationship.

E)   A worksheet to help you identify the strengths and stressors of your re/marriage.

F)   A worksheet to help you identify your recent priorities, as judged by your actions.

G)   A summary of over 60 concurrent developmental and family-adjustment tasks that typical stepkids need your help to master.

H)   A glossary: definitions of useful stepfamily and relationship words and terms.

I)   Selected resources: recommended books, newsletters, organizations, Web links, and games. And . . .

A thorough index.

From my 23 years’ experience with stepfamily dynamics, it appears that re/marriage involving prior kids inexorably forces partners to confront who they really are. For most couples, stepfamily-building is equivalent to a psycho-spiritual Outward Bound (wilderness survival) program, with little preparation and no informed guides.

Do you know someone who has returned from a wilderness-survival experience? Those I’ve met usually describe being forced to transcend the ceaseless din and trivia of normal daily distractions, and focus clearly on core personal issues: spirituality, the purpose of their life on Earth, and what blocks and empowers them to manifest their unique talents. If you choose to start or expand a stepfamily, I believe that will steadily invite you and your loved ones to get clearer on the same core personal questions.

If you commit to stepfamily-building with courage, resilience, and willingness to change, truly marvelous things can happen over time. For mates whose psychological wounds and ignorances block them, stepfamily life usually yields years of increasing stress and despair, and middle-aged re/divorce and regret. You can run but you can’t hide would be a relevant sub-heading for American re/marriage licenses.

Two of the premises that underlie the books in this series

are:

Families have existed across all cultures and millennia because they fill a set of personal and social needs better than any other human grouping; and . . .

In their ability to fill their members’ true (vs. surface) needs well enough, families range from low to high nurturance. Chapter 3 proposes 28 factors that determine where a family like yours (or any human group) fits on this continuum.

My clinical experience since 1981 is that most divorced and stepfamily co-parents come from significantly low-nurturance childhoods, through no fault of their wounded, unaware ancestors. They have spent years denying, bemoaning, and/or rationalizing the overt impacts of this, which include divorce, illness, addictions, isolation, depression, aimlessness, and legal, parental, and financial troubles.

Can you co-parents help each other heal your childhood wounds, break the cycle of inherited family dysfunction, and invent alien high-nurturance environments for you and your kids? I say—yes! Courage, patience, and a shared, patient commitment to your version of the 12 projects in this series of books can empower you partners to evolve a healthy, successful stepfamily together, and enjoy priceless rewards along the way.

Welcome to these books and ideas, fellow pilgrim. I hope they help you discern the questions whose answers lead to contentment, serenity, and rich satisfaction across your years. More than that, I hope they motivate and empower you to protect your descendents from the unintended bequest of crippling psychological wounds via working on Project 1. See Chapter 7.

Oak Park, Illinois—October, 2001

First Things First …

Typical divorced and stepfamily co-parents and their supporters don’t know what they don’t know about _ themselves, _ their partners, and _ healthy stepfamily relationships. If you’ve read Stepfamily Courtship in the last several months, scan this chapter to refresh yourself on key learnings.

If you haven’t read it yet, see If you can answer each of the questions below clearly and in some detail. To minimize fooling yourself, answer each of these questions out loud as if you were teaching a class of high school seniors. Option: describe your answer to each of these to your partner or an interested friend.

If you struggle with more than five of these questions, I urge you to read Stepfamily Courtship [www.xlibris.com] before you read this book. That will ground you on the six ongoing co-parent projects that this book is based on (Project 7 is one-time.) Do this even if you’re already re/married. Ignoring this is probably a sign you’re dominated by a false self (p. 450) and don’t know it.

This is not a trivial exercise! Get comfortable and undistracted, and allot at least an hour to respond to these 36 items. Take notes on what you observe and feel as you go, and take breaks as needed along the way. Asterisk or highlight any items you’re specially intrigued or disturbed by. Check each question only if you can clearly answer all sub-questions. If you fudge, you’re cheating yourself and any dependent kids.

Overall

__ 1) Describe _ the five hazards that typical courting co-parents face and _ at least two of their major implications.

   2) Highlight _ each of the 12 projects that co-parents can work on together to overcome these hazards, and _ describe the main goal of each project.

Project 1: Empower Your true Self

   3) Describe _ what a family is, _ why families exist in all human cultures and eras, _ what nurturance means in a family context, and _ at least 15 of the 28 traits of a high-nurturance family.

   4) Describe _ multi-part-personality, _ subself, _ inner family, _ false self, and _ true Self.

   5) Describe _ the six common psychological wounds and _ how they relate to each other.

   6) Describe _ true and _ pseudo recovery (from inner wounds), and at least five of the common benefits that evolve from the former.

   7) Describe six or more of the emotions that signal your true Self is solidly in charge of your inner family (personality). Do you feel a mix of those feelings right now?

Project 2: Effective-communication Skills

   8) Describe _ two factors needed for effective communication; _ the seven communication skills co-parents need to learn, use, and teach their kids; and _ how the skills relate to each other.

   9) Describe _ at least four of the six reasons all people communicate ceaselessly, _ the four types of messages we’re always decoding from each other, _ what a R(espect)-message is, and _ the single most important factor that determines whether important communications are successful or not.

   10) Describe at least five (of about 30) communication process factors that typical co-parents need to be aware of to problem-solve effectively.

Project 3: Accept Your Identity

   11) Describe _ what stepfamily identity is, _ at least five specific signs that co-parents have really accepted their identity, and _ why such acceptance is essential to build a high-nurturance stepfamily.

__ 12) Describe _ what a stepfamily membership conflict is, _ the two types of such conflicts, and _ why re/married mates need to develop a viable strategy to resolve them.

   13) Describe why it’s essential for all stepfamily co-parents to accept that _ both divorced mates, and _ each of their new mates and their relatives, are co-equal members of their new extended (multi-generational) stepfamily.

   14) Describe _ what a family map or genogram is, and _ how co-parents can use one to identify and resolve stepfamily membership conflicts together.

Project 4: Form Realistic Expectations

   15) Describe at least 10 of the ~30 normal stepfamily adjustment tasks that typical new co-parent couples need to work on together, over time.

   16) Describe _ what family structure is, and _ at least 15 of the ~30 common structural differences between typical stepfamilies and intact biofamilies.

   17) Describe at least 10 of the 15 new roles (e.g. like step-cousin) that new-stepfamily adults and kids need to evolve, clarify, and stabilize over time.

   18) Describe at least 10 of the 60 common myths about stepfamilies, and their corresponding realities.

__ 19) Describe and illustrate _ stepfamily loyalty conflict and _ PVR relationship triangle, and _ explain why it’s essential for co-parents to evolve a clear, effective strategy to resolve each of these stressors.

   20) Describe _ the main developmental stages that typical stepfamilies evolve through, and _ the three possible outcomes of this evolution.

   21) Describe why legal battles between divorced co-parents are always lose-lose-lose, and _ what they imply about _ psychological wounds, and _ co-parents’ communication skills.

Project 5: Build a Pro-Grief Home and Stepfamily

__ 22) Describe _ what a loss is, _ the three levels of normal grief, and _ the main phases of each level.

__ 23) Explain _ why blocked grief is common in divorced families and stepfamilies. _ Describe at least seven of the ~12 symptoms of blocked grief, _ the main reason it strangles stepfamily bonding and growth, and _ what a grief policy is.

__ 24) Describe _ at least four of the six factors that promote healthy grieving in persons and families; and _ how _ ignorance, _ normal false-self dominance and _ ineffective communication skills inhibit those factors.

Project 6: Mission Statement and Job Descriptions

__ 25) Describe _ what a family mission statement is, _ who should make them, and _ why they’re more vital in most stepfamilies than in typical biofamilies.

   26) Describe the four sets of concurrent needs that typical stepkids must fill over time, and _ at least 10 needs in each set.

   27) Describe what an effective co-parent is in a divorced-family or stepfamily context.

   28) Describe at least 15 of the ~40 common environmental differences between stepparenting and bioparenting, and _ why clear, shared knowledge of these differences is vital for average stepfamily adults, including grandparents.

   29) Describe what a _ co-parent job description is, _how it relates to a mission statement, and _ why drafting job descriptions (ideally before deciding to re/wed) is essential.

Project 7) Make Three Right Re/marriage Choices

__ 30) Describe at least five meanings of the word marriage.

__31) Describe at least five of the right reasons to commit to stepfamily re/marriage, and at least 10 of the common wrong reasons.

__32) Describe at least 10 signs that it’s the right time to

re/wed.

__ 33) Describe at least six traits each of the _ right partner, _ right co-parents, and _ right stepkids to re/wed.

__34) Describe at least 10 common stepfamily-courtship

danger signs.

   35) Describe _ why more U.S. stepfamily re/marriages fail emotionally or legally than first marriages, and _ why millions of co-parent couples re/marry anyway.

__ 36) Describe _ the main differences between counseling and therapy, and _ how to assess a competent stepfamily consultant or therapist.

+ + +

Take a stretch, get back in touch with your body, and breathe well. Did these 36 items remind you of anything you’ve experienced before? If so, was it taking an entrance (or final) exam for something important?

Trying to co-manage an average stepfamily effectively is one of the greatest challenges you’ll ever encounter. I hope the scope of this (abbreviated!) test makes that statement more credible to you. Does it make more sense now why well over half of typical U.S. re/wedded mates give up? How many average re/marrying partners do you think could answer even half of these multi-part questions? How many therapists, teachers, family-law attorneys, and clergy could?

Perspective: we’ve just hit the highlights of 7 of 12 projects you’ll need to work at together. This book adds five more sets of goals and subtasks you’ll need to work on patiently together and teach your other stepfamily members and supporters.

If you can’t clearly and confidently describe the answers of at least 25 of these questions to another person, STOP. Don’t buy or read this book yet. Study either Stepfamily Courtship [www.xlibris.com] or Projects 1-7 on the nonprofit Web site [www.sfhelp.org]. For even more perspective, also study and discuss the guidebooks for Projects 1 and 2 (p. 29). As there is no shortcut to learning to fly a jumbo jet, have a baby, or become a heart surgeon, there is no a quick way to learn how to co-manage a complex, dynamic stepfamily well.

One of the best gifts you can give yourselves here is a patient long-range outlook. I agree with what Patricia Papernow writes in her helpful book Becoming a Stepfamily. After respectable research, she concludes that it takes four to 12 or more years after nuptial vows and toasts for typical stepfamilies to merge and stabilize (Project 9). Some never do.

To further clarify what I believe you’ll need to know to build a successful stepfamily, see the quiz in Chapter 4.

# Status check: See where you stand with what you read in this chapter. T = true, F = false, and ? means I’m not sure.

My true Self answered the questions above honestly and thoughtfully (T F ?)

I invested significant time and thought responding to each of these questions (T F ?)

I’m clear on what the next right thing for me to do is. (T

F ?)

I’m _ motivated to discuss this chapter with _ my partner

and _ our other co-parent teammates and supporters now. (T F

?)

Awarenesses . . .

Acknowledgements

The books and Web pages in this series come from a group

of seemingly unrelated experiences over a six-decade journey. The core premises and concepts have been indelibly shaped by . . .

My parents, Glendon and Caroline. They would never have dreamed that our 20 years of living together would have led to these volumes.

My mother’s father, Frank McNair. Without his dedication to our family’s financial security, I could not have taken this journey. He was a stepfather and step-grandfather, and the son of an alcoholic family as I am. From a Pennsylvania horse farm, he rose above that on his own to become a respected and valuable member of Chicago society.

My former wife Liliana and my stepdaughters Jenny and Julie. We innocently tried to make our idealistic step-dream come true, and taught each other our delusions all along our fine and foul years together. I look back with regret and compassion at how much Lana and I didn’t know.

My stepmother Connie, and my stepsisters Candy, Kate, Chris, and Karen. They showed me the warmth and potential that stepfamilies can create. So did Susan Kerwin and her beguiling daughter Jessica.

My many, many teachers and colleagues; notably Drs.

John and Emily Visher; Dr. Esther Wald; Dr. Cliff Sager; Dr. Richard Schwartz; Annette Hulefeld; Dr. Robert Keim, Cathleen Rich; Claudia Black; Rokelle Lerner; Robert Subby; Robert Ackerman; Charles Whitfield; Janet Woititz; Sharon Wegshieder-Cruse; David Wright; Dr. Milton Erickson; Dorothy and Bob Bolton, Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone, Virginia Satir . . . These names represent the scores of authors, presenters, and instructors I have learned from for decades about families, relationships, parenting, communication skills, addiction and trauma recovery, and human development.

Special thanks go to another set of supporters who nurtured the mission in their own ways: Jeanette and Steve Bell, John and Sally Radka, Shirley and Ralph Hutson, Lou and Bill Scanlon, Sr. Elizabeth Bormann, Sr. Cathy Trainer, Paulette Moha, Don and Lorrie Gramer, Jeanne and Joe McLennan, Joanne Webber, David Cohen, and Jackie Needleman. Jeff W., Jane R., Ronnee C., and Danna and Sam E. gave me priceless support during my early recovery years.

I’m profoundly grateful to the many hundreds of stepfamily co-parents and kids with whom I’ve consulted in classrooms, over the phone and Internet, and in my office since 1981. These wonderfully normal, special, often troubled people really taught me about the marvelous kaleidoscope of daily stepfamily challenges, heartaches, and delights. In a very real sense, this book is a synthesis of their rich human sagas and my own.

I’ m also thankful for the encouragement, wisdom, and spirit of authoress and stepmom Gloria Lintermans. She helped me draft the first version of what has developed into this series of books, and introduced me to the arcane world of publishing.

Over all, I’m grateful to the One who guides us all, and for my emerging Self.

PART 1: FOUNDATIONS

1)   About this series

2)   Get the most from reading this book.

3)   What’s a high-nurturance family?

4)   A re/marital quiz.

5)   Stepfamily realities.

6)   Why most U.S. re/marriages fail.

7)   Overview: 12 long-term co-parent projects

1) About This Series

How to build a successful high-nurturance stepfamily is a complex subject. I have studied it professionally for 23 years, and have lived in two stepfamilies. This is the fourth book in a series for lay and clinical readers that outlines what I’ve learned.

This chapter highlights the three prior books in this recovery and divorce-prevention series, and five reasons why the series is unique in the genre of stepfamily literature:

+ The intended audience (not just stepparents).

+ My life experience, training, and writing style.

+ The five remarital hazards and 12 projects.

+ The four-part theory underlying these; and . . .

+ The extensive non-profit Web site that augments this series of books with hundreds of articles and worksheets, and provides links to other resources.

In my research since 1979, I’ve read over 350 lay and professional books and articles about divorced families and stepfamilies. In preparing to write this series, I scanned over 35 stepfamily books in print in 2000. I have read others that are out of print. Most lay books for stepfamily adults are autobiographic, anecdotal, and superficial. Many of these are written by impassioned stepparents for other stepparents (usually stepmoms), excluding their bioparent-mates. While interesting and validating, none of these writings acknowledge the five hazards you’ll read about here, or offer protections against them. Only Stepfamily Realities, by Australian clinician Margaret Newman, explores the inner world of typical co-parents in any depth.

None of the handful of books by clinicians methodically explores the connection between co-parents’ childhoods, their personalities, their mate choice/s, and high rate of U.S. (re)divorce.

I believe the guidelines that these well-meaning authors offer largely focus on solving surface problems, not the underlying ones. For instance, most authors counsel readers to communicate openly and honestly, and have realistic expectations. The authors don’t describe what effective communication is, why most co-parents can’t do it, and what they need to learn. Virtually none of these books propose more than a handful of realistic stepfamily expectations. This series identifies over 60. Not one of the books I’ve read explores stepfamily grieving in any depth, what to do if an adult or child is blocked in their mourning, or why acting on this is essential (Project 5).

Prior Books in This Series

This series proposes 12 projects (Chapter 7) that courting and remarried co-parents can work at to neutralize the five unavoidable hazards in Chapter 6. The four foundation books in this series, and their related Web pages, focus on these core topics:

Understanding, assessing for, and recovering from, psychological wounds from a low-nurturance childhood;

Seven essential communication (relationship) skills.

Seven projects (ideally) for courting co-parent couples.

Five more post-re/wedding projects for co-parenting partners (this book).

Beyond reducing (re)divorce, my overarching goal is to raise public awareness of a menace far more pervasive, deadly, and costly than AIDS: the toxic personal and social impacts of low-nurturance parenting. These impacts spring from six emotional-spiritual wounds (p. 69) that automatically result from adaptive false-self formation in early childhood. After 15 years’ clinical study, I strongly suspect these unseen wounds are a key contributor to most of our major social problems. Currently, few people know about the harmful dominance of a well-meaning false self.

The first three books in this series are:

Who’s Really Running Your Life? Free Your Self from Custody, and Guard Your Kids [www.xlibris.com]. This Project 1 guidebook describes a way to assess for and recover from toxic pychological wounding. Based on two professional externships and two decades of clinical experience, this book outlines an effective way to heal the false self-dominance that can result from too little childhood nurturance: inner family therapy, or parts work. Assessing co-parents and kids for psychological wounds, and working together on effective recovery programs, are the themes of co-parent Project 1. Success at all 11 other projects depends on partners making significant progress with this one. For the gist of this book, see the Internet articles and worksheets at [http://sfhelp.org/01/links01.htm].

Satisfactions—7 Relationship Skills You Need to Know [www.xlibris.com]. Typical stepfamilies are extraordinarily complex and conflictual. I estimate over 90% of the hundreds of troubled divorced and re/married couples I’ve consulted with couldn’t define effective problem solving, or do it. This left them mired in arguing, avoiding, manipulating, controlling, fighting, hinting, threatening, blaming, repressing, and withdrawing. These increase stress, leave needs unmet, and promote eventual emotional and legal re/divorce.

This Project 2 guidebook outlines and illustrates seven communication skills I’ve studied and taught for over 30 years:

Awareness of up to 30 aspects of what’s going on in you, in your partner, between you, and around you. Usually you only need awareness of seven of them.

Clear thinking, vs. vague words and unfocused mental processing.

Digging down to the true needs beneath current surface problems, and discerning who can best fill those needs.

Empathic listening: hearing with your heart.

Respectful assertion, vs. submission or aggression.

Metatalk: cooperatively discussing how you communicate. And . . .

Win-win problem solving, or conflict resolution.

Can you describe each of these skills and when it’s best used? If not, you’re probably used to communicating at well below half of your potential effectiveness. Stepfamily co-parents urgently need these skills to resolve waves of unexpected conflicts in and between their several homes. The disputes arise over stepfamily identity and membership; values, priorities, and loyalties; tangible and financial assets; family roles, rules, and rituals; child discipline, custody, visitations, education, and financial support; stepchild adoption, child conceptions, and everyday living.

Helping each other learn and use these seven skills and teaching them to other family members are the goals of co-parent Project 2. Satisfactions will help anyone interested in getting more of their daily needs met at home and at work. A bonus: These seven skills work just as well among the clamorous subselves that comprise your inner family: your personality. This book expands on the Web pages at [http://sfhelp.org/ 02/links02.htm].

The third book in this re/divorce-prevention series is . . .

Stepfamily Courtship—How to Make Three Right Re/ marriage Choices. [www.xlibris.com]. My studies and experience suggest that because of the five hazards above, typical love-struck co-parent partners unwittingly choose . . .

the wrong people (partner, ex mates, stepkids and kin) to re/wed; for . . .

the wrong reasons (e.g. to rescue, avoid loneliness, legitimize lust, and/or gain social normalcy), at . . .

the wrong time (before grieving prior losses, reducing unawarenesses and inner wounds, and learning stepfamily realities).

This book outlines seven projects to help courting co-parents make three right choices, and give themselves and their minor kids the best chance for long-term stepfamily contentment. If you’re re/married and haven’t yet begun these projects, you can begin the first six of them (Chapter 7) at any time. A related learning resource for couples is the free 8-module course on these seven projects on the Web at [http://sfhelp.org/07/bhsiy intro.htm].

Based on these four books, other volumes in this series will focus on resolving specific stepfamily problems grouped by _ mates, _ co-parents, and _ stepparents and stepkids. All these articles and books are based on the five hazards and 12-projects. They’re available now on the Web at [http://sfhelp.org/ Rx/dx.htm]. A final book on doing effective therapy with stepfamilies is planned for clinicians.

Why This Series is Unique

These books and Web pages are unique in five ways. The first is the scope: they’re written specifically to courting and remarried couples and their ex mates and supporters, not just to stepparents. The second is . . .

My Unique Background

The content and design of this series of books comes from a wide range of learning and experience over 63 years . . .

A Stanford University bachelor’s degree in Mechanical Engineering (BSME). That led to 17 years’ work for GT&E and

IBM in a range of engineering, marketing, teaching, and management roles. Followed by . . .

23 years’ research on clinical and lay stepfamily literature, including a 180-page master’s-degree thesis that took two years to write. Stepfamily experts Lawrence Ganong and Marilyn Coleman judged it to be a Ph.D.-level effort. Since 1981, I’ve had . . .

Over 17,000 hours of clinical consultations with ~1,000 typical Midwestern divorced and stepfamily adults, and some of their kids; and over 3,000 warm-line phone calls to the nonprofit Stepfamily Association of Illinois since 1981. I’ve also spent . . .

Two years moderating the Stepfamily Issues forum at [http://www.divorcenet.com], and responding to co-parenting questions on [www.allexperts.com]; and . . .

I’ve given over 100 lay and clinical seminars on stepfamily-related issues, including classes at Governor’s State and Northern Illinois Universities.

Seven years on the board of a large community mental health center, including a term as President, taught me much. So did my years of personal experience as a stepson, stepgrandson, stepbrother, and stepfather of two minor girls. And . . .

I have been in personal recovery since 1985 from growing up in a very low-nurturance (double alcoholic) family. I have worked clinically with scores of adults doing similar personal-healing work. The insights and empathy gained from these 16 years, and from studying many clinicians who have gone before me, shape these pages. I know what stepfamily divorce feels like, too.

Unique Topics

These are the only books for courting and re/married co-parents which propose five interactive hazards which cause typical American couples make three wrong re/marital decisions, despite life experience, love, desire, and common sense.

No other stepfamily or remarriage books outline 12 specific projects to neutralize these five hazards. The 12 wasn’t planned, and has no (direct) connection to the 12 steps in addiction-recovery programs.

Unique Web Resources

This series of books is supplemented by over 600 free, educational Web pages at [http://sfhelp.org]. These richly-hyperlinked pages fall into three groups . . .

. . . articles and worksheets that cover much of the same material as the books in this series, organized by the 12 co-parent projects;

. . . over 80 articles proposing specific solutions to common stepfamily relationship problems, based on the 12 projects [http://sfhelp.org^x^dx.htm]; and . . .

. . . a summary of selected stepfamily resources like the ones in Part 3 of this book.

These Web pages are updated periodically. You’ll find many pointers to these Web resources [..**/****.htm] throughout these pages. Add the pointers to the base address to access the page: e.g. [http://sfhelp.org/**/***.htm] (without the brackets).

Unique Foundations

The ideas in this series of books and Web pages integrate four fields of knowledge. I believe no co-parents and few or no family professionals have ever studied and combined these four in a divorce and stepfamily context:

An integrated model of wholistic personal, relationship, and family health. This includes a theory on how low psychospiritual nurturance promotes formation of a protective «false self» in young kids. I believe this is probably the least understood, most potent cause of American divorce and other social ills. Project 1 in this series proposes how to assess for significant psychological wounds, and offers experience-based options on how to proactively reduce them and their impacts, over time.

The second knowledge-base is proven family-systems and family therapy ideas, which have matured since their cultural introduction two generations ago. These are the first books for co-parents and clinicians written by an engineer-therapist (BSME-MSW) to apply family-systems ideas to _ our inner family of personality subselves and _ our outer (step)family systems. Inner and outer family-system concepts allow understanding and resolving complex stepfamily relationship problems. I write this after 11 years’ experience doing inner family therapy with scores of average men and women. No other published lay or clinical stepfamily author has this knowledge and perspective, so far.

Thirdly, Project 2 invites co-parents to improve their problem-solving effectiveness by using seven learnable communication skills (see Satisfactions in Selected Resources). I write about these skills after 30 years’ experience studying, practicing, and teaching them professionally. And fourth . . .

Project 5 invites co-parents to learn healthy grieving basics, and then evaluate themselves and other stepfamily members for blocked grief. This project is based on a three-level model of healthy and blocked grief. My experience is that such blockage in adults and kids is a major unseen contributor to personal, relationship, and family distress. I’ve never found another stepfamily or parenting book that examines this in any detail, or suggests specific options to help co-parents _ assess for it and _ unblock it.

Bottom line: these stepfamily books for co-parents and supporters are practical, realistic, specific, and unique in many ways. They define five major hazards most co-parent partners face, and offer 12 solutions and many resources to overcome them. This series focuses on discovery, recovery, and prevention of inherited family emotional-spiritual neglect.

Another unique feature about these books is the Status check and Reality check exercises throughout the chapters. These encourage you to _ stop and assess your reaction to what you just read, and to _ experiment with the concepts to see if they’re credible. Here’s the first one:

# Status check: See where you stand on reading further now: T = true, F = false, and ? = I’m not sure.

I think this book and series is probably a credible source of stepfamily guidance. (T F ?)

The author seems qualified to write this. (T F ?) I’m interested in reading more now. (T F ?)

Awarenesses . . .

This is an information-rich book. If you’re a serious student, it will take you significant time to read, absorb, and apply. The next chapter suggests how you can harvest the most long-term benefit from doing that.

2) Get The Most From This Book

Whether you’re a co-parent (stepparent or bioparent) or a stepfamily supporter, reading this series and the related Web resources will probably challenge your patience, commitment, and some life-long beliefs. Your need to build a high-nurturance stepfamily and avoid re/divorce will determine what you get from the ideas here. This chapter suggests how you can harvest the most long-term benefits from investing time in this book. Recall that the «/ in re/marriage and re/divorce" notes that it may be a stepparent’s first union.

In my experience, most first-marriage, divorced, and stepfamily co-parents are ruled by myopic, well-meaning false selves (p. 349). Few know it until they’re in real recovery from psychological wounds (Project 1). False selves are relentlessly impatient and focused on short-term comfort. If you’re controlled by a false self now, I suspect those narrow-focused and/ or young subselves will feel bored with what follows.

A keystone ability I encourage you partners to grow is sensing at any moment who’s really running your life: your true Self (capital S) or some other personality subselves. If the former is true, you’ll feel some mix of these: light, centered, calm, up, alert, awake, grounded, focused, resilient, clear, energized, purposeful, sure, and strong. When a false self controls you, you’ll feel some combination of anxious (worried), bored, unfocused, angry, confused, distracted, sluggish, spacey, numb, heavy, frustrated, weary, skeptical, critical, or nothing.

What are you feeling right now? You’ll need your Self in charge to get the most from this chapter and book . . .

The first step toward harvesting the most from this book and series is to . . .

Prepare Your Mind

Choose a long-range attitude vs. seeking immediate answers. The two chapters on Project 9 (Part 2) will show you why it takes most re/married co-parents four or more years after re/wedding to merge and stabilize