In My Head: Mental Quotes and Poems

By Elisa A Escalante

"In My Head" is a collection of Quotes and poems, primarily about mental anguish, motivation and wisdom over a lifetime. The author writes about experiences she has had through High school, the Air Force, a combat deployment, college academics, the life of a therapist, the struggles with PTSD, depression, drug addiction and everything in between

• Language: English
• Publisher: Elisa Escalante
• Release date: Oct 1, 2022
• ISBN: 9781087935669

Book preview

1

Depression

Depression

I achieve something, and the satisfaction is fleeting. Then, on to the next. Because it is not about achieving what I set out for. It’s about fighting this demon inside that wants to kill me.

            At this point, what I want more than anything, is to look a person in the eyes and smile without it feeling forced. 

       I am fighting... every day... just to get myself back.  Not even to succeed or thrive, just to live.  We are strongest when we seem ‘weak’.  People will see helpless, but what they won’t see is the millions of battles you are fighting within yourself... just to be okay. 

       I worked hard, but never celebrated the hard work. I don’t care how much of a success you are, if you are incapable of celebrating and rewarding yourself, you will have a miserable existence. 

When you live with major depression, happiness is so fleeting, you can’t even trust it.

       Feelings, unlike opinions, cannot be argued or tampered with. They are what they are, and they will always bleed through the rug. 

      If we cannot process, address and heal our mental pain, we will bleed it instead.

You’d be surprised how painful it is to search for peace.

The most important decision you will ever make is whether or not you will continue hating yourself. 

Look deep, find the pain, and recognize what it’s doing to you. You can’t leave this world unscarred, but you can stop the bleeding before it kills you too soon. 

The soul gone from my eyes, 

smile replaced with a frown.

The motivation has died, 

the serotonin gone down.

I had lived my best life, 

and lived in the pits of hell.

Part of my spirit had cried.

Other parts in numbing spells.

Everything witnessed was lies. 

Just a tragic Fairy Tale.

Nightmares all in disguise,

otherwise, the plans fail.

We’re on this tragic ride,

Only way out is death. 

What shame we live to die

suffering through last breath.

           I’m an expert at doing miserable things while feeling miserable.

I want to sing, 

but I have to sit in silence. 

I want to be free,

but I’m consumed with violence. 

I want a different dance. 

Fuck this endless routine. 

I want to feel the magic, 

Why can’t I be me?

I chased happiness every day and forgot that I was supposed to live. Once the ‘dream’ came true, I was empty. Numb, bridges burnt, other options lost, memories of only struggle and isolation. I realized that I had chased the impossible, while neglecting the gift of time. 

We go into this believing our sensitivity will be our greatest strength, only to find out that it will destroy us. Then over time, through all heartache and pain, we learn that we have only two options: become numb or suffer in silence. 

I need to understand this void, and why absolutely nothing and no one can fill it. 

Do not move, do not get up. Give into the lethargy, lay around. You are tired, feel sorry for yourself. Withdraw, go inward. Fuck the present moment. Ruminate, over and over again. Reflect on that past that hurt you, hate life for it. Hate the people around you for it. Get into a vacuum of fun/ highs to escape this feeling. Overcompensate, hurt yourself. Give up, give in. Stop trying. It is rarely worth it. Why am I even here? 

Sometimes you will need people. And if you never develop the ability to ask for help, you will carry the burden of so much unnecessary pain on your shoulders. 

Anyone using the defense mechanisms of numbing and intellectualizing will often get fed the lines of You’re so strong!  You’re absolutely fine, you are doing well.  In some cases, we may feel very strong, in some cases we