The Mask of Masculinity: How Men Can Reclaim Their Identity, Lead, and Love with Vulnerability

By Dr. Eddie Connor

What does it mean to be a man? How do we define manhood and masculinity? These are just some of the questions that Dr. Eddie Connor always wondered about from boyhood to manhood.

Faced with the dilemma of growing up without his father and being diagnosed with stage four cancer, he journeyed on a path from heartbreak to healing and bitterness to forgiveness. Through self-development and emotional healing, he transformed his trauma into a testimony.

In "The Mask of Masculinity," Dr. Eddie empowers and equips you with transparent truths by showing you how to find freedom from trauma, develop your emotional intelligence, mental well-being, communicate more effectively, redefine masculinity, and discover victory spiritually.

Masculinity has always been a mask because it causes us to hide what we must heal from inside. Each chapter will empower you to find freedom from psychological pain and emotional incarceration. "The Mask of Masculinity" unveils how men can reclaim their identity, lead, and love with vulnerability.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Jun 14, 2022
• ISBN: 9798986199313

Book preview

INTRODUCTION

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When you talk about the meaning of masculinity, oftentimes the conversation can be murky. What does it mean to be a man? What is manhood and masculinity? How do you define masculinity? Is it based on perceptions from society? How does masculinity impact our identity?

Societal perceptions have beclouded the essence of manhood and masculinity in conjunction with our identity. The word masculinity is associated with strength and virility but what about accountability and integrity? Oftentimes, masculinity embraces what is tangible but shuns the emotional. We cannot ignore the EQ and IQ of our human experience.

Much of what we hear about masculinity is that it’s toxic and that’s the farthest thing from the truth. Masculinity is loving, strong, protecting, and caring for one another. It does not berate it builds.

The prefix of masculinity is pronounced mask. In this precarious pandemic, our new norm are the masks we wear. However, we have always worn a mask even prior to COVID-19. Our mask was our money, muscles, good looks, clothes, clout, physicality, and social standing in society. It was a façade that clouded our identity and relationships. Now, it’s time to remove the interpersonal mask and heal from our past, in order to walk in the power of our purpose.

Oftentimes as men we go through life wearing a mask because the rules of masculinity are always being redefined and remixed. You can’t truly be yourself without discovering who you are, your purpose, and removing the mask that shields your identity.

Too often we hide our real identity because we don’t want anybody to see the hurting boy internally that’s behind our rage. We want to hide the shame behind our supposed shine. We are grappling with father wounds and covering it with financial resources. We have shunned showing any vulnerability for the sake of being referred to as weak.

The pandemic taught us that it’s important to wear a mask by protecting yourself and others. Secondly, just because you wear a mask doesn’t mean you wear a muzzle. We must be bold enough to speak about the ills of society and remedy the maladies, especially as it relates to us as men. Struggle should never strangle us. If anything it should strengthen us.

Peter Glick, a Lawrence University professor said, The notion is masculinity is a status that you constantly have to prove. Societal implications of masculinity or what people think is manly, is something that’s hard to achieve and easily lost. Men compensate by acting out in risky ways when their masculinity is slighted and undefined. The risky behaviors driven by hypermasculinity and hypersexuality lead to lust, pride, ego, and living a life void of purpose.

Interestingly enough, you can’t spell mental health without the words men heal. You can’t spell mentor without men. You also can’t spell menopause and menstruation without men too. I guess we’re the problem and solution all in one. I wrote this book to be a tool of support and provide strategies for our brothers in society.

A lot of times as men, we have masked our hurt and pain. I used to believe that pain was weakness leaving the body but it affected my mentality. It’s important to address and unmask the pain rather than to ignore it or cover it. We must proactively recover from it.

The fictitious imagery of masculinity has clouded our identity. Society has a myopic view of masculinity. It has fragmented and framed muscles, money, and a Mercedes as a barometer for masculinity and manhood. When in actuality you can have all of that and still be void of the true nature of a man. True masculinity must come with maturity.

One thing we fail to mention is that men need mentors. The power of mentorship is not solely passing wisdom from a top-down approach, of the older to the younger generation. Mentorship connects us concurrently as we learn from our peers and senior men in society. Proverbs 27:17 affirms, Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend. We must strengthen our brethren.

The same encouragement we need when we are young is oftentimes the same encouragement we will need as we grow older. We need mentors, advisors, and accountability partners. There is nothing wrong with seeking advice, counseling, therapy, wisdom, support, and receiving help. It’s not a sign of weakness or being less of a man. So many of our brothers are losing the battle to depression, addiction, pornography, alcoholism, and pains of the past that keep us scarred. You don’t have to die in your dilemma. You can be free to be the man that God has called and created you to be.

There is a quote that suggests, If we build strong boys we won’t have to repair broken men. Boyhood is a sprint but manhood is a marathon. How do you run your race when society tries to dictate your pace? What do you do when you were only socialized to be strong but are a broken man internally? Where can a man go without always having to appear strong?

Back in the 1990s, the R&B group Boyz II Men penned a song Khalil (interlude). The group poignantly and euphoniously sang the lyrics, No one to guide me I’m all alone. No one to cry on. I need shelter from the rain to ease the pain of changing from boys to men. The lyrics encapsulate the dilemma that boys and men are grappling with internally. Who can we talk to? How do we cry when we have been told crying is for girls? As a consequence we keep the pain inside and express it with rage on the outside. We suffer in silence. We don’t verbalize, rather we internalize. We disregard our he-motions. We need care and correction when we stumble because even strong men struggle.

I grew up without a father. I was angry, bitter, depressed, and frustrated that the man I looked like the most, cared for me the least. I had to forgive him for not being there for me and now I serve as a mentor to boys and men. I had to learn that just because you don’t have a father doesn’t mean you don’t have a future and not having a daddy doesn’t disqualify you from your destiny. The essence of manhood and masculinity is about maturity, integrity, responsibility, and vulnerability.

I wrote this book to empower men to reclaim their identity, lead, and love with vulnerability. As an author, this is my fourteenth book and it’s symbolic because the number fourteen means deliverance. This is probably the most important book that I have ever written. Each page is a symbolic rites of passage into manhood and masculinity, finding freedom and deliverance from emotional trauma.

The title of the book is on the spine because this book has a lot of backbone. If us as men are going to measure up to the meaning of manhood, we have to have a foundational backbone with principles and standards that we live by. If you have no standards to stand on, then you will fall for anything.

As you read and process the wisdom on the pages, I believe this book will be a beacon of breakthrough for you, your son, brother, father, grandfather, mentees, and loved ones too.

As a man, wearing your heart on your sleeve much less expressing your heart on paper has never been the macho or masculine thing to do. Yes, we are men of strength but not men of steel. The mythical Superman stories or comic book characters don’t replace the essence of our character which is to feel, communicate, express, verbalize joy or even pain. Being able to give voice to our emotions and struggles is our superpower.

I understand that I’m more like Clark Kent than Superman. I’m more like T’Challa than Black Panther. There is more to a man than anger and rage. We even desire more than just sex, silence, and a sandwich. Within us is compassion, vision, and responsiveness. Sometimes you have to dig a little deeper to unravel what has been buried.

Sadly, vulnerability and masculinity rarely coexist in the same space. It’s often in dichotomy. Our vulnerability is often castigated as femininity. I realize there is still more work to do as we make strides to inundate healed masculinity in society.

In a time of toxic masculinity, chest beating bravado, and alpha male affinity, we must tap into our true identity and authenticity more than ever before. It only transpires when we see love as an asset rather than a liability. Love mends hearts, heals wounds, and empowers us to wear our crown as a king. Love leads and lifts us to our highest form of authenticity, masculinity, and vulnerability.

Thank you for supporting and I pray this book is a blessing as you’re reading. Since sharing is caring, spread the word throughout your network and via social media.

Please post your five-star review via online retail sites. Reach out and let me know how this book has empowered you.

I often say, The revolution will not only be televised. It will be digitized. Please connect with me and join my digital community at www.DrEddieAcademy.com for more empowerment. Connect with me on social media for more inspiration and insight on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter: @EddieConnorJr. In addition, be sure to post a copy of your book on any of the social media sites and use the hashtag #TheMaskOfMasculinity.

So, without further ado, let’s flip the page and write a new chapter. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. You can lead a man to knowledge but you can’t make him think.

Get ready to expand the elasticity of your thinking as you’re reading. It’s time to seize your vision with clarity in the power of your true identity and masculinity.

CHAPTER 1

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KING

Every king has a crown over his head that one day he will grow tall enough to wear.

The great abolitionist, Frederick Douglass declared, If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Indeed, where there is no progress, there is no strength. You didn’t make it this far to stay where you are. Move forward by any means necessary. Every lesson is a blessing, preparing you for life’s testing.

ROYALTY

I define KING as Keenly Intelligent Noble Gentleman. In I Peter 2:9 it declares, But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should show forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness, into His marvelous light. A real king recognizes his royalty and that he has a treasure within himself. In essence, he rises up to resurrect the God given gifts and talents within, by empowering himself and others.

God has not given up on you. Don’t give up on yourself. Be determined to turn your mess into a message, your test into a testimony, your misery into ministry, and your stumbling block into a stepping stone. I’m a living witness that God will use your setback as a setup for your greatest comeback. He will turn your great mess into greatness. He will transform your tragedy into strategy to grow stronger.

The strength I developed was shaped and sharpened, through adversity. Even as a teenager, battling stage four cancer, chemotherapy, radiation, and growing up without a father, I had to believe in spite of the odds stacked against me. My most challenging setback became a platform for my greatest comeback.

SURVIVE TO THRIVE

I’m reminded that life is not only about the drive to thrive in good times. It’s also about the power to survive in bad times. Faith gives you hope, hope gives you strength, and that strength sustains you on the road to success.

MANAGE AND MANIFEST

A real man maintains, manages, and manifests his destiny, by using God’s manual because he has a mandate on his life. It’s time to man up and become the king that God intended for you to be.

There is a rich reservoir of resilience on the inside which is greater than what you possess on the outside. Never forget that the greater the obstacle, the greater the opportunity.

I CAN SEE CLEARLY NOW

Brothers, if we walk through life with the scales over our eyes, blinded by our issues, we will never see our promised future. We must become conduits of power in our communities. When you are a man with vision, God gifts you to produce, protect, and provide for the people that are in your life. Take off the scales and the mask. Walk boldly into your future with vision as a king.

NO IS NEW OPPORTUNITY

Discover, realize, recognize, and utilize your purpose to inspire the world. No dream is unreachable. No vision is unachievable and no goal is unattainable. You must have the faith to work for what you believe in. See every no as new opportunity and every place of rejection as direction. In the process give back, so that you can help somebody move forward!

BMW

Understand that your value is not connected to how much money you have or what you drive. It’s about what drives you. What ignites your engine and fuels you? It’s not about driving a BMW. It’s about being a BMW: Black Man Working.

When you realize that your identity is infused with divinity, you can achieve your possibilities. My brother you must recognize and realize that greatness flows through your DNA. For to whom much