The Myth Of Empathy: Why Your Empathy Has No Clothes

By Trent Selbrede

We work hard to build human connections and understanding. Empathy seems like a perfect tool to build our relationships. We feel pain when we see a loved one in pain. We feel joy when we see a family member graduating. Empathy seems to make sense.

Empathy should be okay on the surface, but it's a train wreck. Our egos have pushed us to the point w

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trent Selbrede
• Release date: May 17, 2022
• ISBN: 9798986051512

Trent Selbrede

Trent Selbrede is a hospitality leader and conversation starter. While most of his work has been in hotels, he has also worked in information technology and media. Trent loves to challenge traditional thinking. He has changed his beliefs on goals, investing, retirement, and empathy.

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The Myth Of Empathy

The Myth Of Empathy

Why Your Empathy Has No Clothes

Trent Selbrede

Thought Bricks Media

Copyright © 2022 by Trent Selbrede 1-11325635521

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022907631

ISBN: 9798986051505 (Paperback), 9798986051512 (epub)

Subjects: Psychology: Social Psychology | Self-Help: Emotions | Self-Help: Communication & Social Skills

Cover design: Breea Selbrede

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

First Printing, 2022

Thought Bricks Media

Contents

Dedication

FOREWORD

1 Introduction

2 It Started With

3 Suspend Belief

4 Arguments for Empathy

5 Transition Music

6 Stories

7 Definitions

8 Arguments Against Empathy

9 We Are Fallible

10 Empathy Science

11 Awkward Moments

12 Taking on the World

13 Expertise in Empathy

14 Empathy in Delivering What Others Want

15 Is Empathy THE Disorder?

16 Summary

17 Alternatives

Appendix: Additional Definitions

References

Credits

About the Author

This book is dedicated to:

My family, even the dead ones

(but not the disowned ones)

Everything that Grammarly missed

The Myth Of Empathy

Sonder

n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

- The Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows

FOREWORD

Heather R Younger

I met Trent on LinkedIn several years ago. We have never met in person. Nonetheless, Trent and I have forged a special relationship founded on respect for our differences, both seen and unseen. It is not lost on me that he asked me to write the Foreword for his book, which argues against Empathy, in the textbook sense of the word. It is ironic, because I am someone who teaches about, talks about and writes about Empathy and Compassion. My number one Strength on the Strengths Finder assessment (Trent doesn’t love these assessments either😊) is Empathy, and my team members have often told me that I know how they are feeling before they know how to put those feelings into words.

I am a person who has always been able to see both sides of any situation. As a graduate from law school, many of my friends thought I might be a Supreme Court Justice, because of my ability to remain objective in a heated debate. I have reflected on why I can do this, and it has a lot to do with my back story. I am the product of an interracial family. My mom is White and Jewish and my father is Black and Christian. Growing up in this dynamic in the seventies was already a challenge. To compound the complexity, my maternal grandparents were against the marriage and never accepted my father, and by extension me, into the family. We were different.

I grew up primarily feeling like an outsider whose voice was never called upon to determine my own fate in the family. I knew that my grandmother loved me, by some of the sweet things she’d say and how much she wanted me to succeed in other areas of my life. Our relationship was complicated, but I learned early on to understand that she struggled to meet the perceptions of her community, while she simultaneously had a deep love for me. That was my reality, and I lived a large part of my life in that messiness.

This takes me to this Foreword. It is my great honor to write it. I know how much Trent trusts my ability to see what he has written from both sides of the empathy discussion. Because of our very special relationship, he knows that I will objectively take in his truth. Honestly, some of the pages in this book made me feel uncomfortable. Why? In the pages of this book, Trent is direct, he makes solid arguments founded in research and real-life scenarios that challenge our traditional thinking.

In the work that I do around helping organizational leaders create Cultures of Listening, I spend many of my days either diving deep into employee engagement survey result comments or listening sessions with employees about what they need from the organization at which they work to make them want to stay around. Listening for what is, and isn’t said, is my job.

You know what surprised me the most after reading this book? How much Trent and I believe in the same thing. I did not walk away more disconnected from Trent, but more connected to him. He doesn’t make the argument against the purity of empathy to divide us, but rather to enlighten us. His tone and use of reasoning allowed me to keep (mostly) an open-mind and heart.

Here is where I agree with Trent. The word empathy has been overused, oversimplified, and tainted with ego. To be empathetic toward someone’s situation should never be about you, but about the other person. While I do believe that we can empathize with someone in the moment, I don’t believe that we can empathize with their complete experience after having only one or limited interactions with that person. Finally, I believe that deep listening and compassionate action are the most important things we can do for any person.

As I mentioned before, Trent and I agree more than we disagree on the topic of Empathy. The point that he and I don’t see things the same are in the areas of emotions and sharing our similar stories. I believe that we are emotional beings and that bringing our full selves into an interaction with another human is critical for us to truly hear them. I cannot completely rid myself of my own backstory when conversing with someone else, but I should minimize that backstory so that I can truly hear the other person and not attribute my backstory to their current situation. If I am not emotionally aware and receptive, I cannot really begin to know how to exercise compassionate action. It is in being emotionally aware and even connected to another being that I can meet them in that moment to listen to them and act on their behalf, if necessary.

Secondly, in this book, Trent argues that we should not attempt to share our story to relate to another person’s current situation, because it makes it all about us and moves that person’s current need to the backburner. While I can see how this could happen, especially if we don’t keep in mind our purpose in the interaction, if we are truly leaning in to hear what they are saying through their words and in the non-verbal cues, we should only use our stories to help them see a way out of their current predicament. Having said that, the story we tell should not be used to show how we measure up or how much we are the same. Rather, we should use stories to illustrate that the concept of what they are going through isn’t completely foreign to us. The story opens the other person’s heart to receive compassionate counsel or action on our behalf.

After reading this book, I am more convinced that the antidote to assumptions, judgment, and ego is to listen, deeply, which involves asking the right questions with a focus on serving the other not serving me. Do I still believe in empathy? Yes, I do, and I believe that we must go beneath the surface of formulaic responses focused on getting something from someone instead of listening to give something to someone.

Hats off to Trent for solidifying my belief in this truth through his deep dive into empathy. I know you will enjoy the journey too, but you must take it with an open mind and an open heart. Enjoy your journey to discovery!

My best,

Heather R Younger

Founder and CEO, Employee Fanatix, and Best-selling author of, The Art of Caring Leadership

1

Introduction

In the story The Emperor's New Clothes by Hans Christian Andersen, two swindlers make fake garments for the emperor. Allegedly, only the purest people could see them. If the people could not see them, they were labeled undesirable or unfit for the job. He ends up walking the kingdom naked and people are afraid to question the authenticity and beauty of his garments. This story has become an idiom for people who have become afraid to criticize something because the wisdom of the masses believes it is good.

Empathy appears to be warm and fuzzy on the outside, but on the inside, it’s a dumpster fire. It’s the emperor's fake clothes.

Empathy is well-intended. We work hard to build human connections and understanding. Empathy seems like a perfect tool to build our relationships. We feel pain when we see a loved one in pain. We feel joy when we see a family member graduating. Empathy seems to make sense.

Empathy should be okay on the surface, but it’s a train wreck. There are so many problems with it that a book had to be written about it. Our egos have pushed us to the point where it is detrimental. Instead of growing connections, it acts as a wedge. Instead of a deeper understanding of others, it causes us to focus on ourselves.

When I say that empathy is defective, people tend to bristle. They often come to its defense without considering any other viewpoint. The thought that empathy is full of flaws creates some kind of visceral reaction. It’s a bit ironic when people can't empathize with this position.

This book will show why empathy is broken. It will show how it became bastardized and why we should stop using the word altogether. If you stick with it, you will see some valid points.

Before we start, let’s be clear. This stance on empathy is not the antithesis of empathy. There is no proposal for an