Here are the questions for today’s Ask David, featuring special guest, back by popular demand, the extraordinary Dr. Matt May, and of course, our super-special hostess, Dr. Rhonda Barovsky! Why is my dad the way he is? Why are people the way they are? What can you do about positive distortions? More Should Statements! How can you talk to someone who refuses to talk to you?   Why is my dad the way he is? Why are people the way they are? Hi Dr. Burns and Dr. Barovsky! I love your show. Keep up the good work! I'd deeply appreciate your time and insight. My dad is 70, my mom is 67, and I'm 38. Throughout my life my dad has done things like he did earlier tonight. I was at my parent's house and my mom was telling me how Thanksgiving was going to be at my parent's cabin with the whole family like we have in years past at which my point my dad firmly said "No." My mom asked "Why?" and he just shook his head and shortly after walked out of the room to go to the bathroom, shut the door, and said "no" angrily three times in the other room to himself but loud enough for she could hear. He'll seemingly randomly act extremely possessive by angrily forbidding family get togethers, or my mom from doing things, or family to borrow things. He'll just say "No" without further explanation. Always, always, upon asking "Why?" to his "no." He'll either say angrily, "Because I said so!", say nothing, or just repeat "No" further. My mom says sometimes "Can you just gave me a reason?" and it's the same "No", silence, or "because I said so." I don't jump into the aforementioned back and fourth communication because I know such a person can't be changed and don't want to make an argumentative mess. He's never displayed any comfort with expressing the slightest vulnerability. He's very, very silent. All of my life he has displayed bullying type tendencies. Whenever I visit my parents he always shows tremendous eagerness to want to scowl and berate people for the tiniest mistakes (even people he doesn't know in public, like cashiers.) I think even the most skilled of five secrets practitioners might be outmatched. My mom tonight, and all my life, has asked me why is he like this? I've been haunted to try understand this question all my whole life too. So, I'm putting the question to you Dr. Burns and Dr. Barovsky: Why is someone like this? You must've heard of similar situations and have insight? I want to feel compassion and understanding for him. I don't want to live with baggage. And mainly, mainly I just want to relieve myself from anger thinking should, labeling, and overgeneralizing thoughts like "He shouldn't act like this", "He shouldn't be such a bully", "He's being a jerk." Thank you, Mark David’s Reply Thanks, Mark, I can certainly understand your sadness, frustration, and anger, as well as your love and concern for your mom. Scientists don’t yet know why people are the way they are. My focus is on helping people at specific moments of interaction when they want help. You have not asked for help in this email. I do make this type of statement in practically every Ask David episode, but have not had much luck in getting people to listen, because the general questions that have no answers keep rolling in. You say that your dad cannot change. To my ear, this statement is both blaming and untrue. People change at every moment of every day. The real question I always have is this, and it might not interest you. Do YOU want to change the way you interact with him? You and your mom probably both do things that trigger him, like silence, or asking WHY when it is abundantly clear that this response has a 100% guarantee of triggering him. I apologize if this is not the answer you were looking for! David   What can you do about positive distortions? How much information is there in the book (or a particular podcast) on how we address positive distortions most effectively? It is mentioned briefly that these can be more difficult to overcome, because of t