The Anxious Child— Three Common Errors Parents Make, and How to Avoid Them!  Featuring Dr. Taylor Chesney Today we interview Dr. Taylor Chesney who is the Director of the New York office of the Feeling Good Institute. She specializes in the treatment of children and teens, and today will tell us about the three biggest errors parents make in dealing with anxious kids. Dr. Chesney has been a guest on several of our podcasts in the past (episodes 107 and 263, and Corona Casts 4 and 6) and is a terrific teacher and therapist. She recently taught a 12 week course for therapists working with teens and children (ages 6 to 18) and their parents and brings us some of the highlights today. She always begins treatment by interviewing the child and the parents and pinpoints what they want help with. Then she assesses how hard they are willing to work to bring about that change. The goals may be quite different for the child and the parents. It’s crucial to develop a meaningful therapeutic contract with the children, as well as the parents, as opposed to thinking your role is to “fix” the child for the parents. If the child is less than 11 years old, she meets with the parents first. If the child is 12 and up, she meets with the child first. Either way, she empathizes with the child and encourage them to tell their side of the problem. During or after empathizing, she does Positive Reframing, to show the child what their negative feelings, like depression and anxiety, show about them that’s positive and awesome. For example, if you’re sad about not being invited to a birthday party, it shows that you value friendships, and that you care a lot about other people. If the child is anxious, she will teach them how their anxiety can be helpful. For example, if the child is a good athlete or student, anxiety can be an important motivating force in their success. But sometimes we might get too anxious and feel intensely anxious about something that is not actually dangerous. Then you might experience your anxiety as trouble eating, a belly ache, trouble sleeping, or some other symptom that gets in the way of your optimal functioning. The most important question with parents and children is usually: “Do you want to learn some tools and skills to help you change the way you feel?” She also teaches children and teens what different kinds of emotions are, and the kinds of thoughts that trigger them. For example, if you feel anxious, you’re probably telling yourself that you’re in danger and that something bad is about to happen. If you feel guilty, you’re probably telling yourself that you’ve done something bad, or that you hurt someone you love; and if you’re feeling angry you may be telling yourself that someone is trying to hurt you or take advantage of you. Taylor brings the core cognitive therapy ideas to life with examples that children can understand.  Here’s how she explains the idea, taught by Epictetus nearly 2,000 years ago, that our feelings do not result from what happens to us, but from our thoughts about what’s happening. Let’s say that you got a 90 on a test. How would you feel? You might feel overjoyed if you studied hard and felt like you did a good job and got a wonderful grade. However, if you felt like you had to get a 95 to raise your semester grade in the class to an A, and you even skipped going to the prom to study extra hard, you might feel sad, ashamed, frustrated, angry, and disappointed, telling yourself that you “failed.” Same grade, but two radically different emotional reactions, depending on how you think about your grade. Conclusion: it’s not what happens, but what you tell yourself, that triggers all of your positive and negative feelings. Taylor said that anxiety is incredibly common in her clinic population and that surveys indicate that a whopping 25% of children have an anxiety disorder. She teaches her patients that anxiety in children, teens, and adults results from giving in to the urge to escape from a frig