Overcoming Loneliness Part 2-- A Master Class on the Feared Fantasy Technique Featuring Dr. Orly Marmur This is the second of a two-part series on loneliness, featuring the courageous personal work of Dr. Orly Marmur with Drs. David Burns and Jill Levitt as co-therapists. After Orly shared her story, we worked on helping her learn to use the Five Secrets, especially the Disarming Technique and Inquiry, to develop closer relationships with others. Jill described the philosophy of this approach as learning to be ”interested” in others—encouraging them to talk about themselves—rather than trying to be “interesting" or "impressive," which is usually a losing battle. We also worked with the Feared Fantasy technique to help Orly deal with her fear of rejection. Essentially, we explained that we would enter an Alice-in-Wonderland Nightmare World where there were two weird rules:. If you think people are judging you or looking down on you, they really are! In this Nightmare World, people are not polite but get right in your face and tell you all the negative thoughts they’re having about you. We asked Orly to describe the worst criticisms she thought her friends might have about her. Here’s the list: We’re not really interested in you. You don’t really say or create anything interesting. You are by yourself. We have families. You’re not funny enough. You’re not fun enough. You’re too intellectual. You’re too political. You’re a liability. Orly bravely took the role of herself to kick things off, and Jill and David played the role of the “friends from hell,” and verbalized these criticisms to Orly. At first Orly struggled to respond effectively to the critical statements. She got stuck defending herself at times, and forgot to express interest in the critic and the specific criticisms. David and Jill modeled more effective responses, using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication, including The Disarming Technique (finding truth in the criticisms), Inquiry (ask for more information with a spirit of curiosity) Thought and Feeling Empathy (acknowledging how the critic was thinking and feeling) “I Feel” Statements (sharing feelings like sadness, shame, and loneliness in an open, respectful way) and Stroking (expressing positive regard for the critic, even in the heat of battle). Orly did a fantastic job, as you’ll hear on the podcast, and we did some role reversals to refine certain responses. The goal of the Feared Fantasy is not so much to prepare for rejection in the real world, since very few people would ever say these things in such a harsh and open way. The Feared Fantasy “Monster” actually exists primarily in your own mind. But since most of us never think about the thing we fear, we don’t realize or discover that the monster has no teeth. That is to say that by engaging with your greatest interpersonal fears, you discover that if someone were to attack you with over the top vague criticisms, you would survive, and it would reveal something terrible about the other person, not about you! The Feared Fantasy Technique brings this to life in a dramatic, emotional, and vivid way. At the end of the session there was a dramatic reduction in all of Orly's scores on the Emotions Table of her Dailly Mood log. Her Unhappiness dropped from 40 to 0 Anxiety dropped from 100 to 5 Shame went from 85 to 0 Worthlessness dropped from 95 to 0 Loneliness fell from 100 to 10 Self-consciousness fell from 8 to 5 Hopelessness fell from 100 to 5 Stuck and defeated fell from 100 to 0 Resentment fell from 90 to 0 Disappointed in myself fell from 100 to 0 As you can see, there was a dramatic reduction in all of her scores. We asked Orly what the most important healing elements during the session were. What techniques were that were most helpful. Orly said that the empathy from Jill and David was really  important as she felt heard and accepted. The Feared Fantasy Technique also made a huge difference, as it taught her what she wanted, which was to