The 13Th Step: a Guide to Recovery Through Self-Value

By Susan Joy Kearney

Sue’s sense of humour and zest for life are reflected in her narration. The 13th Step is not about the predatory thirteenth step experienced by some in twelve-step programmes. In this book, Sue helps those who are ready to grasp life firmly and make the changes necessary to live fully. She writes with honesty and integrity about her life experiences and subsequent personal development to create change. She shares all the tools she used to transform her own life, hoping it may be of help to others.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Xlibris AU
• Release date: Oct 17, 2018
• ISBN: 9781984501509

Book preview

THE 13TH STEP

A Guide to Recovery Through Self-Value

SUSAN JOY KEARNEY

Copyright © 2018 by Susan Joy Kearney.

Library of Congress Control Number:    2018909993

ISBN:                  Hardcover                        978-1-9845-0152-3

                            Softcover                           978-1-9845-0151-6

                            eBook                                978-1-9845-0150-9

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

Rev. date: 11/09/2018

Xlibris

1-800-455-039

www.Xlibris.com.au

714549

Contents

Dedication

Acknowledgements

Testimonial

Part 1

Introduction

Love Is the Answer

New and Old Thinking

Expect the Worst

Life Is All Problems of Varying Degrees

Gain Approval at All Costs or Feel Guilt-Ridden for Shocking People

Feel Guilty about Where You’ve Been and Frightened of What’s Around the Corner

Blame Everyone Around You for All Your Unhappiness, Knowing that They Are Totally Responsible for Your Life

My Life

Behaviour Patterns

Part 2

Quotations

Part 3

Quotations Applied to Life

Part 4

Workshop

Exercise: Fantasy Relationship Process

The Six Steps to Change through Forgiveness

The Thirteen Steps to Living the Process

Exercise in Self-Honesty

Acknowledgements And Recommended Reading

DEDICATION

To myself as a reminder of the courage and effort it took to become free.

To my beautiful daughter, Jodie, who survived and still loved me through the most difficult years of my life. I hope she can use these words to correct any of my parental blunders.

To my mum, who, from the other world, still encourages me.

To Susan, who had no sooner learned how to live this life than it was sadly taken away. Her spirit is always urging me, ‘Get on with it.’ Thank you for teaching me so much.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

Jenny Evans, initial editor

Your constant support and encouragement pushed me on through all the times I wanted to give up. My thoughts became legible because of your talent and direction. Your belief in me raised my self-worth daily.

Dr Kati Jacobs

Thank you, Kati, for your friendship and expert advice. How do you repay someone who gives up everything to help meet an unrealistic deadline? You have an amazing talent for instantly knowing what I mean and twisting it into legibility.

Ann De Vos

For being that special friend who hung on every word I wrote or said and told me repeatedly how wonderful and capable I was. I always felt safer knowing you were in my life.

A special thanks to these self-esteem raisers who believed in me more than I did:

• my wonderful dad, Poppy Blood, who gave me such wonderful life skills

• my beautiful aunt and friend Marj Easton, who always told me I could do anything

• my late husband, Vincent Padayachy, who made my life so rich

• Kevin Bell for coming into my life and teaching me that love is ageless

TESTIMONIAL

I spent a day with Sue when my self-esteem was at its lowest. I felt as though nothing positive would ever happen in my life again because I was so unworthy and unlovable.

We talked, laughed and listened to each other. I left at the end of the day feeling lighter, understood, and not alone in my feelings.

I also left with a draft copy of Sue’s book, among others. I started reading and was amazed—it was as though this book had been written specifically for me, about me! I found Sue’s writing style, incorporating her personal narrative with relevant quotes and practical advice on how to change my thought processes, incredibly insightful and helpful.

Michelle Storm (teacher)

Grafton, New South Wales

Australia

PART 1

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INTRODUCTION

When I attended AlAnon and AA meetings, I was astounded by the number of people who went to meetings every night. One man claimed that he hadn’t missed a meeting one day in seventeen years. He was very proud of this achievement. He saw it as much better than the alcoholic life he led before. He spoke about all the terrible things he had done when he was drinking, the abuse of himself and his family. He talked about ultimately losing his family, finding AA and sobriety, and being lucky enough for a second chance with a new wife—a new wife who must share her husband with a daily three-hour meeting where he goes to be constantly reminded of his negative past.

I was very impressed with the work done by these twelve-step programmes, but I was starting to realise that some people were merely transferring their addictions from a substance to the programme itself. I also began to notice in several meetings that my positive attitude and cheerful stories of recovery weren’t well received by some. I came to understand that there were people who were trapped into believing that their particular circumstances entitled them to the indulgence of unhappiness.

For my own growth, I couldn’t see how I was going to grow and become healthy surrounded by unhappy people who remained stuck in the role of victim. I understand the importance of this humbling and levelling process, but I also see that staying attached to the negative aspects of our life can be terribly damaging to our self-worth.

I also didn’t think it was healthy to be continually reminded of the negative aspects of my life when I was trying to be positive and move forward. Our self-worth, this fragile part of us, needs positive maintenance on a daily basis.

After being in this twelve-step programme, my experience was that there is definitely another important step, one that took me towards independence and self-appreciation. The negative perception of myself was limiting my life.

The next step for happiness was that I needed to discover the difference between how I saw myself and my true, unique value and worth. Then I set about to bridge that ever-destructive gap.

I believe once we make this all-important step of raising our selfesteem, we free ourselves of all the painful addictions we use to make life more bearable. It’s not even necessary to find out why we have low selfesteem. We just need to acknowledge that there is a lack and then set about to change it.

The results can be instantaneous. The pain disappears, and the love of life pours in. That’s what happened for me.

The primary reason behind writing The 13th Step is to show that if we don’t raise our self-love, we will always need some external force to find temporary happiness. This step helps us discover security and acceptance within, which leads to peace of mind and a joyful life.

My unhappiness came from an addiction to external love, accepting love at the expense of myself. Finding the security and acceptance within myself made me capable of more love than I have ever known. I have never felt the happiness and sense of completeness that I do today.

This book is about how I learned to value myself enough to move away from painful situations. I learned to remove the need for external validation and took control of my life. This book explains how I came to know I am totally responsible for my life and how I relish the responsibility and all the lessons that go with it.

I learned to push fear out of my life to allow more love and adventure in. This changed the quality of my life dramatically, and this sense of completeness and wholeness can be yours too.

I have read many books to help identify the problems attached to particular life circumstances. I guess everything I have read was meant for me to help change my life. In God’s world, nothing happens by mistake. Each time I finished one book, the next one was waiting somewhere for me—in a shop, at a friend’s place, in the library, in the chemist shop, or at the hairdresser’s. All of them helped me to another stepping stone towards self-awareness.

From where I was standing, the road looked long and hard—a road I didn’t particularly want to travel. I still believed everyone else needed changing and that I was the good guy. Let’s face it. My choices in mates had never been very wise, and I hadn’t heeded the warning signs.

I was pleasant to get along with, a hard worker, and a general all-round peoplepleasing martyr. Couldn’t be me who had a problem. No way!

Not much!

Love Is the Answer

Love is the core of our very being, and the search for it begins at birth and ends at our death. When we receive healthy, unconditional love in our formative years, this is the love we perceive as normal and endeavour to find. If, as children, our needs aren’t met and we are the products of inept parenting, we carry that baggage into our adult relationships.

There is no such thing as a perfect parent! They are products of their own parents’ shortcomings and blindly following the rules of the era and our culture. They can’t possibly fulfil all the needs required of them. No matter how well