Secrets in the Garden: The Journey of Life, Love, Lust, Addiction, and Faith

By Savannah Blue and Saphire Blue

Suzette is about to turn fifty and facing a mid-life crisis. Although she has always valued her reputation and what God has commanded of her, she is beginning to question her life’s purpose and worth. As a married woman with limited sexual experiences, her curiosity is now getting the best of her as she realizes her life has become complacent.

As her mind is overtaken by erotic fantasies, Suzette becomes infatuated with what could have been and what she believes she needs in order to be happy and fulfilled. Although she is grounded in her faith, lust has taken over her heart. But everything changes when she has a dream that prompts her to turn to her past for answers and, in the process, reconnects with God as secrets unfold and doors open to reveal her soul. While on a peace-seeking journey, Suzette is encouraged by scripture and prayer as she slowly rekindles the romance in her marriage and delivers a renewed passion to the man who has been perfect for her all along.

Secrets in the Garden shares the inspirational story of a middle-aged woman’s introspective journey as she rediscovers her purpose and peace in life, with help from a loving God.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Archway Publishing
• Release date: Aug 23, 2018
• ISBN: 9781480865105

Savannah Blue

Saphire and Savannah Blue are two women of God who through writing and conversations share many testimonies grounded strong in faith, guided by the wisdom of His word. The authors love connecting with readers through laughter and tears, while finding grace and mercy in every anecdote. Their creative, genuine and realistic nature of writing captures readers as they pull them completely into their story allowing readers to truly connect with the characters. Saphire and Savannah are leaders in the fields of education, sociology, criminal justice, and public service, respectfully holding doctorate, master, and bachelor degrees in their related fields.

Book preview

The Dream

S UZETTE IS HOME ALONE, AND HEADS TO BED. TONIGHT IS JUST AN ORDINARY NIGHT. A night where she follows her same bedtime routine, especially when she is alone. Her husband, Kem is away on business. While she always misses him, she enjoys the alone time. She lays in bed simply staring at the ceiling having a difficult time falling asleep. Her mind is filled with the past, and what she may have missed in almost 50 years of life. While accomplished, she never feels so, and never actually feels satisfied. Many people would jump in line to change places with her, but she never really understands how blessed and highly favored she is. She is always wanting more.

Finally Suzette falls asleep. As she drifts, she tosses a couple of times grabbing her body pillow for more comfort. She falls deeper and deeper into sleep. Her mind clears completely, and she finds herself at peace. For the first time in years, this sleep has freed her spirit, relaxed her mind, and opened her soul.

Deep in sleep Suzette finds herself walking in a place she has never seen, nor has she ever been. It is the most beautiful place she has ever witnessed. She is in awe of the beauty and in her overwhelming feeling of peace. She continues walking and is looking everywhere. Like a kid in a new toy store, she checks everything out. Every flower she comes across, she smells. She marvels at the beauty of all the flowers and the landscape. It is like something out of a fantasy, even better than anything she has ever seen on HGTV or in Better Homes and Gardens. The beauty overtakes her and she finds herself sitting in the middle of the flower garden.

As she sits, someone approaches her. She cannot quite see the face, but she can hear the voice calling her name. She initially tries to ignore it, and remains focused on the peace she is feeling in the garden. The voice continues to speak, and she continues to ignore. The person finally touches her on the shoulder and calls her name again. Suzette looks and modestly smiles, as she is holding a few of the beautiful flowers in her hand.

The voice speaks again, Good day, I see you are caught up in the beauty of the blessings of the Lord.

Suzette simply smiles, and rolls her eyes, continuing to look as she is holding the flowers. The person then sits next to her, and gently takes the flowers from her hands. Suzette looks as to say, who in the world is this person all up in my space, disturbing my peace? Just as she is about to speak with disgust her lips are sealed, and she cannot say a word. She looks dazed and confused, as she knows someone is next to her, but still cannot make out the face, nor is she able to speak.

The person sits and stares at Suzette, still holding the flowers once in her hand. She speaks again asking, Are you sure it is peace that you seek?

Suzette is still unable to respond and unpretentiously looks at the person sitting beside her. The one she does not know, nor can she fully see. He is your perfect peace. He is who you shall seek and follow, and only then will you find yourself at peace.

Suzette still unable to speak thinks, who is he, and better yet who is this person talking to me? The voice speaks again, calling her name, Suzette, you have to live everyday like you are in the garden. Your mind must be open and clear. You must learn to relax your mind, and open your soul. You have gotten comfortable, and have forgotten who has carried you all these years. You know what you need to do to be at peace, but you have gotten comfortable in doing things the old way. That is your comfort zone. You play life safely because you don’t believe you can be happy without going the extra mile to make others happy. You also don’t even know what makes you happy. You seek peace, but you will not allow yourself to receive peace. You also play things dangerously, and you think you are safe in your own danger, because you have not acted on any of your thoughts. Your thoughts in your mind are beginning to cloud your judgement and pull you down a path that will disturb the peace you seek.

Suzette looks at the person again, trying to see the face, but is still unable to see clearly. She turns and looks towards the garden and towards the flowers to see if something is wrong with her vision, and she continues to see their beauty and all the vibrant colors. Suzette looks puzzled, wondering how this person knows her, let alone her thoughts. What is going on?

The voice continues, Your thoughts are opening a vessel for the devil to attack you. You must be mindful of his attacks. The devil wants to emotionally paralyze you. He is attempting to cloud your mind with negativity and confusion so he can attack. You can easily discover what the devil fears most by seeing what he uses to frighten you. God is working to protect you, guide you and shield you, but you must draw yourself closer to him. God is protecting you from a breakdown. You must not breakaway. You cannot take this all on your own, you must seek him. You don’t always have to be the leader. You do not follow well, that’s a trust issue. Trust him. He has put many good people in your life; people you can trust. People that will support you; Kem is one of them. He was created for you, and you for him. You only make matters worse when you take on everything. While you are busy supporting others, and searching for your peace; your life and faith is faltering. You must remain focused. Do not lose focus of your assignment; his assignment for you. You must stop investing your emotions in people who don’t get you, they will never get you. There are people who will never understand or support what God is doing in your life, they never will, and that is okay. The show will still go on. This is your season. This is your season for peace and blessings. Grab hold of it and do not let go.

Suzette begins crying and the voice lingers, Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid. Suzette, did you know that ‘Do not be afraid,’ is referenced 365 times in the Bible for a reason. As a reminder for you not to be afraid each and every day. He is with you and he will always be. It does not mean he expects perfection, but he does expect you to follow him and to trust him.

Suzette continues crying and again attempts to speak. Still unable to do so, she reflects, but I do not know how?

The voice responds as if Suzette was heard. He is not asking you to lead, he is asking you to follow. You don’t always have to be in charge. Matter of fact know that you are not, he is. The reason God has not shown up yet for you is because you are trying to do it all alone. When you exhaust all of your Earthly abilities and all of your resources that is when he will step in. He is watching and waiting. You are not alone. Many people struggle with allowing others to see them as human or vulnerable. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s a place where you smuggle your real feelings and emotions. Unfortunately it is normal. You will feel better when you share your truth. And the best place to start is with him, and then yourself.

In tears, Suzette looks again at the flowers in the garden, still unable to respond. She ponders, I must be dreaming.

The voice replies, If the dream is good, it comes from God. Remember God is with you and he sees and knows all. You keep trying to peak and see it all at one time. God is waiting for you to get out of the way. God has closed your lips so you can listen. Listen! You keep looking to see me, you do not need to see who I am. I will reveal myself to you when you need me most. Yet right now I need you to focus on him and the peace you seek. God made you a promise, now trust it and get out the way. You must ask God. Remember anything that you ask of him, is not outside of his will. Ask him! Trust him! Remember God has not called you to be successful, he has called you to be faithful. You must regain your focus and only then will you really be at peace. God can turn it around for you. Position yourself in a posture to receive what you desire. Change your posture and defeat it in the spirit. Don’t talk to it. Don’t fantasize about what you think you need and want. You will never get where you are going, because your commitment is weak. Your commitment is supposed to be strong all the time, not you. Talk to God. Remember he can and he will.

Suzette, lifts her head and is now looking at the ceiling in her room. She sits up and looks around the room, wiping her tears. She doesn’t know what just happened. She questions her dream and her feeling of peace. She questions the beautiful flowers she saw and held, and even questions the conversation. Sitting on the edge of the bed crying, she awakes completely. The message while clear in her sleep, doesn’t seem to be as clear now. Suzette wipes her eyes and turns on the news for a few minutes before she gets moving for work. She heads to work not giving her dream a second thought. She moves about her day, counting down the hours until the end of the work day.

That evening Suzette comes home from work and turns on her favorite Pandora station and cooks dinner. She is hopeful that Kem will come home early from his trip, but since he doesn’t she gets ready for bed. Whew, thank God this day is over.

The Prayer

S UZETTE GOES TO BED LIKE SHE NORMALLY DOES. SHE POURS HER A GLASS OF WINE, turns on some of her favorite slow jams from back in the day and begins writing in her journal. Her journal is her safe place. The place where she writes all of her fears, her dreams, and where she communicates with herself. In her journal she is free to express any emotion, and every feeling. Suzette is an only child, and she generally keeps to herself. She has had a few close friends, but even with them there was never a sense of trust that she has built with anyone to share any secrets, and definitely not her desires and fantasies. Her journal is that place, her journal is her best friend, her confidant. When she gets lost in her head, and she does on many occasions, she begins to write. She has a very hard time expressing her feelings, but for some reason when she writes it all becomes clear.

She writes as if she is writing a movie. Her writing while simple, expresses her true thoughts and they are so clear she can see them in action, living out right before her eyes. Suzette is a day dreamer, she thinks about everything. She is very personal, sensitive and caring. However, rarely does she let go and let others see her sensitive side. She is very reserved and always tries to do what is right. She is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination. She has needs, and craves acceptance just like everyone else. She is very good at hiding her sadness and her confusion. Suzette is secretly suffering, and no one realizes it, not even her. Instead she buries herself into her career and her family, usually neglecting herself and her own desires. Don’t be confused, Suzette is very happy and is living a happy life. She just craves much more.

Tonight, her trip to bed was a little different. She pours her favorite wine and gets under the covers and begins writing. She starts thinking about the garden and the conversation she had last night in her dream. The one sided conversation with a person she does not know, nor could she see. This time instead of simple ideas, thoughts and dreams, she decides to write a letter to God. Suzette begins to write such a modest letter. This letter is short, much shorter than many of her journal entries, yet in its briefness, it speaks volumes. She knows God knows her heart and she doesn’t need to say much for him to understand her needs.

Dear God,

Thank you for blessing me with beautiful kids and a wonderful family. I appreciate you standing by my side, and lifting me when I needed encouragement. I appreciate you carrying me when I felt I could not go further, and of course guiding me when I needed answers. Tonight I asked you to show me the way. In your image you created me, and I know you have created the right man for me. His flesh is my flesh and his bone is my bone, we are one. Yet, I cannot help but wonder if there is more for me. I have always tried to live the right way, and I know I am not perfect, but I strive for perfection. I have never smoked, done drugs or had an affair. I am so thankful for the life I have, but right now I need more. Please cover me with your blood, cover me with your guidance. I need you and I need you even more now. I am in a place of confusion and I ask you for clarity. I ask you to help me learn to trust and to communicate. I ask you to remove fear from my heart and not allow fear to rob me of the good things you have prepared for me. Protect me from a breakdown and from breaking away from you. Please send me someone to help guide me as I feel I am confused, I feel that I am losing myself and I feel myself falling into temptation. Help me O’ Lord, I need you now.

Letting Go

S EVERAL DAYS GO BY AND SUZETTE’S MIND BEGINS TO WANDER AND REMINISCENCE. While her dream and prayer are somewhat fresh in her mind, she cannot help but to think about her past and what she may have missed. She questions if there is something in her past that she should have done differently. Something that could have impacted her present and her future.

She questions, is it something from my past that I am missing? Am I being warned about something? Is he….Nah, let me get my big butt out here and walk!

She is out walking as she does most days and she begins thinking about a former boyfriend she had in college. Meditating while walking she counts, three, four, five, what the hell…She immediately starts thinking of the one she let get away, all because the time had come where she feared the expectation of sex would come up. Isn’t that what guys want? This is the guy about whom she felt a very strong connection. One that to this day she has always dreamt and wondered about. The man she was the closest to and the one whom she first thought that sex was actually a possibility, before her husband.

He was the perfect man. He was John, and John was fine as hell. He was a football player, with a body that would make your draws fall completely off. He was 6’5, tall, strong and handsome, and no one on campus looked like him. The kind of man that had a sexy way about him; he walked like he knew he was hung and like he knew it was good. He was also one that was studious and sweet, yet very strong and sincere. He had a way of tending to her every need. The late night massages, and the flowers he would pick or send to her almost weekly. As an added bonus he also provided her foot and back rubs on a daily basis. His massages were such that they made a girl pray for a happy ending. He had her heart, and was close to touching her soul.

Still walking, she recalled laying in his bed one night in nothing but some short-shorts and a sports bra. This is what she considered to be sexy at the time. As he laid on the floor studying and doing his chemistry assignment, she simply fantasized as he had his ink pen in his mouth reading his chemistry book. It started to cross her mind, that perhaps she should just make a move on him. It had been four months, the longest she had been with anyone. He was gentle, he was nurturing and he was loving. She wasn’t sure if she loved him, but she knew his body was calling her name. His simpleness excited her; she always felt safe in his arms. She loved his focus, yet wanted him to be a little more dominating. He was the nice guy, the one women would sometimes complain about, claiming he was too nice of a guy. While Suzette loved that about him, now being curious about sex herself, she wanted him to take charge and just take it. Deep down inside, she knew he was not that type, and unfortunately neither was she. He respected her way too much. For once, she didn’t want respect, she wanted John. This was it, this was the time. Suzette looked at him, and moved across the bed and started rubbing his head. He leaned back in adoration, and smiled. She began rubbing his large, muscular shoulders as he put his head back right in between her legs. He took his pen out of his mouth and pushed his book away from him. She was nervous, yet continued to passionately kiss him, proceeding to kiss him more and more. For a few moments she lost herself. She thought, Fuck it, I’m going in. I am closer to him then I have ever been to anyone. I think I like him a lot, and hell I am 19 years old. She slid down on him and straddled him. She could feel him getting harder and harder as they caressed one another. The size of him growing amazed her. They continued kissing and it felt like they had been kissing for hours.

Suzette started to feel things she had never felt before. She felt the hardness of his penis protruding even more though his cotton shorts. Suzette became a little scared, and pulled back. John looked at her, and replied, Baby, are you ok?

She smiled, Yes.

They continued kissing and now she felt her insides become hot as a fire breathing dragon.

What the hell is going on? She asked herself.

He began rubbing her breasts, and she swallowed deeply her next breath. Again still straddling him on the floor next to his bed. She was getting more and more excited, and could feel that he was as well. She was throbbing in places she never even knew had a pulse. She felt herself becoming completed aroused. She felt herself becoming extremely wet between her legs as he kissed her and touched her ever so gently, yet attentively. He stopped slowly, and looked at her, gazing intensely in her eyes. Suzette gazed back at him.

She pondered, what was going on, was this supposed to be happening, does this mean I love him?

The Lesson

Q UESTIONS NEVER ANSWERED. ALL OTHER MEN FROM THIS DAY FORWARD WHERE compared to him. To her, John was the man that made her panties so wet, without ever touching the inside of them. To get John out of her mind, Suzette put herself back on the market. She really wasn’t looking for anything, as she still had John on the mind. The way he made her feel that one night in his dorm room continued to intrigue her. After that night, they were never together again. Out of fear, Suzette distanced herself from him. She knew she couldn’t trust herself to be around him. Being with John was going to get her a one way ticket to hell. He made her want to do things that would make Karma Sutra blush. Things she wanted to do to John would make her friend Sharon take the back seat to their weekly Sexpert lessons. John was amazing, and Suzette knew it. Everything about him was perfect, except the