A Broken Man: The Rocky Shoals of Marriage, Remarriage and Divorce

By Joseph Tyler

This is a story about a broken man. That broken man was me. I was unable to see the signs of a broken marriage and kept believing with my body and soul along with my Christian beliefs in one hand that everything would sort itself out! It is certainly true that in the land of the blind, the one-eyed man is king. I was blinded for not reading the signs of a failing marriage. Now on the other side, I was now in a position to search for true happiness, which, I have found through a positive mental attitude (PMA).

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse UK
• Release date: Mar 4, 2016
• ISBN: 9781504997430

Joseph Tyler

Joseph Tyler has led a very interesting life, a life that has virtually taken him around the world and back again. He was a long-term career soldier who joined the army as a boy at the age of fifteen. Throughout his thirty-year military career, he worked hard and played hard, which gained him credibility, earning him many promotions until he retired in 1992 as a major. He has always strived to help those less fortunate than himself and devoted much of his spare time in helping raise much-needed funds for many charities and organisations. His literary talents have in the past resulted in him writing articles for ‘The Angling Times,’ ‘The Sea Angler,’ and ‘The Boat Angler’ magazines, along with many charity journals. In 1994, he also wrote ‘Fishing Marks for the Sea Angler: Selsey Bill to Anvil Point’. Following his retirement from the army, he has written another book, ‘How We Built the Gambia Army’. The title doesn’t fully depict what the book is about, as he also writes about the many in-country charitable events that he led whilst serving in West Africa. He has written this book as a personal plight, not realising that his then-wife, Sally-Ann, had fallen out of love with him. He was blinded by the signs and signals, which, in the end, he realised were there all along. He, having carried out so much research to help him come to terms with his situation, has chosen again to think of others by releasing his story and research in the hope that, as he states, ‘if [he] can help prevent one person from going through the pain and anguish which [he has] gone through, then [he] will feel that [he has] achieved what [he] set out to do’.

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© 2016 Joseph Tyler. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

Published by AuthorHouse  03/03/2016

ISBN: 978-1-5049-9744-7 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-5049-9743-0 (e)

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Contents

Introduction

Happiness

Sadness

Expectation

Development

Progress!

Failings

Baggage and Excess Baggage

The Letters I Wrote

Excess Baggage

Harmony or Not?

Did I Do the Right Thing?

Where Do I Go for Help?

Addictive Behaviour

Addressing Fears

Building Confidence

Common Relationship Problems

Conflict Resolution and Mediation

Domestic Violence

Financial Settlement Advice

Friends

Improving Communication

Mental Well-Being

Physical Well-Being

Reignite Your Sex Life

Relationship Breakdown Signs and Signals

Relationship Emotional Support and Advice

Relationship Health Check

Relationship Review

Sharing Responsibilities

Separation Advice

Divorce Advice and Information

Conclusion

Introduction

This book is quite controversial in that it is the realisation of a real situation. Since the inception of my intent to write this book, I have had the opportunity to speak and be introduced to countless people who have been faced with a similar situation to my own.

I fully appreciate that these days it is not unusual for both men and women to be married a number of times throughout their lives. Also, the reasons why these marriages break down differ and are sensitive to a greater or lesser degree.

I have taken the opportunity to draw your attention to some of the pitfalls, should you be contemplating divorce for the first or second (or even later) time. In addition, I hope to direct you to areas where you possibly need some help to see and understand more clearly what you should do next!

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This book is dedicated to my children, Sam and Alexander, who without knowing departed from my life when I deserted them in search of happiness with a new family; I have regretted my actions for a number of years and long for the time when we can truly be reunited, after finding them again and now occasionally communicating.

Also my dearest friends Eddy and Shaz who took me in when I needed them most; they helped me come to terms with the situation in which I found myself needing help and I had to cry out for it; they heard my cries and helped me realise just what I was missing in a loving family relationship and helped me move on. My written words can only begin to convey my thanks to you both.

Lastly, my dearest friend and confidant Douglas Hulme (Doug), who had to listen to my words of sorrow and grief throughout the whole situation; he acted not only as a confidant but also my counsellor, for which I will always be infinitely grateful. Doug has been my truest friend for more than twenty-five years; he is the chief executive of the Second Chance Children’s Charity, a group with which I have been associated for those same years, helping drive projects forward and raising much-needed funds for the benefit of the children of the charity who in the main need special help; a number of them have been referred to the charity after suffering mental, sexual, or physical abuse. Their website is www.second-chance.org.uk

Happiness

I joined the army as a young man, as many others did, where I fought and played hard for my country. Then I thought I had met my ideal girl and decided to settle down to military life with a delightful wife.

After a long courtship and a subsequent tour of duty in the Middle East, I returned to duty in the UK in early 1969, with my wife-to-be residing in Germany. Later that year I arranged to be posted back to Germany so that we could be reunited and redevelop our relationship before getting married in September 1969. I was blessed with a great relationship, and nine months from our wedding night came along our first child, a beautiful little girl who was born in a British military hospital in West Germany on 27 May 1970. This was my Sam, and I was the proudest father in the world. Nobody could take that away from me. I was on cloud nine.

A military life whether army, navy, or air force, certainly puts a lot of pressure on the little lady left at home, when her man is away doing his bit for queen and country. This has been the case for centuries and nothing has changed. When apprised of the situation before contemplating marriage, military man is always told that his wife will endure a very lonely life when he is away on duty. Now come on, how many people would really believe that? But believe me, as the years of marriage pass, it becomes more and more real. I know; I was that soldier, and I was in love. Our second child, a son, Alexander, was born back in the UK, also in a military hospital on 2 December 1971.

The years started to fly by, and we moved between Germany and the UK about every two years. This put additional pressures on my wife, even though by now the routine of moving between continents had established itself.

My good lady was expected to help pack up the home into boxes and move every time her husband earned a promotion. Some couples couldn’t accept the situation and took the opportunity to buy their own property in the UK and live separate lives, with the husband trying to get home to visit when he could, due to his military commitments.

I wasn’t one of these, as my wife and I loved each other and wished to stay together as the team we undoubtedly were. As I gained various promotions, to a certain extent my wife did also, and our team grew stronger. As a result, before I knew it, she was running the local military Wives Club, helping to take care and pass on advice and guidance to the younger wives, as we had had a similar advantage years before. You see, nothing had really changed; as the carbon faded, you just stuck in another sheet and carried on until it faded again! As we grew with the military way of life, we accepted it as our lot. We had some exciting times visiting just about all places of interest in Germany, but as we got older, we had to make a decision to send both our children off to boarding school for their continued solid education.

Sam sat the entrance exam for the Brighton and Hove High School for Girls. She passed with flying colours and settled into life away from home, but slowly at first. There were times when she showed signs of home sickness so serious that I really thought I was going to have to take her out of the school. However, into her second year her attitude to boarding school life changed, and a tremendous positive attitude took over. I guess it was because she was no longer a fresher!

Just like her dad, Sam never took anything for granted and worked extremely hard to achieve her results, the like of which most of us only dream about. I used to visit both her and my son Alexander, at the Royal Alexandra and Albert School in Reigate, Surrey, as often as I could when I was back in the UK. Both Sam and Alexander used to fly out to wherever we were serving to spend their school holidays with us. It gave my wife and me something to look forward to.

I was extremely proud (and still am) of both my children and what they were and had achieved. Just like their dad, they both worked and played hard. But because they were away, both my wife and I suddenly found that our children as our common interest were no longer bodily with us day and night. Although we each had our own interests, there was no substitute for having our children around us, both watching and helping them to grow up into respectful young adults. If there are any regrets that I have, then it is exactly that. Given the opportunity, would they have gone to boarding school! I would like to have thought not; but thinking again, would either of them have achieved what they undoubtedly have now, if they hadn’t gone away to school?

As it happened I was promoted to warrant rank and posted back to the UK to the Ministry of Defence in Middlesex, now with a chance to see our children most weekends. Two fantastic years followed, even to the extent of being able to attend their schools for parents’ days and sports days alike, the expected things that most parents get to do for and with their children, in a stable loving environment somewhere in the UK.

My life was about to change, although at the time I really didn’t appreciate it. Following my tour of duty in the Ministry of Defence, I was selected for a commission, but I turned it down, as I felt I was too young and not ready for the additional responsibility; As a result, I was posted to Bordon in Hampshire (yes, staying in the UK), where we took the opportunity to purchase our first house.

Then the war for the Falklands came in 1982. My boss, a relatively young captain, was posted to the Falklands, and I was left carrying out his job managing a work force of fifteen civilian staff along with a group of military personnel. After ten months of doing the job of a captain, I was appraised by my local brigadier commander as to why I felt previously that I didn’t want to accept the commission I was selected for at a previous promotion review board. Well I must admit, my reply was now totally different, as I now felt ready to accept the additional responsibility that went with the rank, let alone the additional salary which came in very handy as we had just purchased our first property.

I was subsequently sent on a commissioning course in March 1983, and to be honest I never looked back. I was about to embark on a new way of life! Moving into the officer’s mess was quite a daunting experience, not only for me but also for my wife, who approached the transition with trepidation. We had now embarked on a completely different way of life and the expectation which went along with it.

I was posted to Germany with my wife. Our normal way of life had changed, and the children were now alone weekends at their boarding schools.

We arrived in Osnabruck, and I took up my post as Administrative and Security Officer of a Royal Electrical and Mechanical Engineering (REME) workshop. I had a fantastic boss, a chap by the name of Mike Huntley. We became great friends and got to know exactly what we both expected of each other. This posting was extremely busy, which again left my wife to fend on her own for a greater part of the time. She became very involved with the Wives Club for the benefit of the younger wives. She excelled in helping the younger girls especially as she had previously undergone exactly what they were going through now. There is no better teacher than those who have previously been through the experiences themselves, and she loved having this opportunity to pass on her knowledge.

We moved into a very large married quarter; if my memory serves me correctly, we had six bedrooms with just the two of us rattling around in it. In fact, we were lost in such a large house. Despite all, we tried to occupy our time, I knew that our marriage was starting to creak. We were starting to drift apart and, with our children back in school in the UK, had very little to occupy our spare time and thoughts. It was getting tough for the both of us, but we didn’t mention it to anyone, for fear it might affect my career. Boy, was I wrong; this was when we needed some help instead of being the ones passing out the help to others; we just didn’t know who to ask or how!

After eighteen months in the job my confidence and acceptance of my responsibilities had literally taken over my life. Although I was still in love with my wife, I felt that we were drifting apart somewhat. However, due to my success with the job, I was subsequently recommended and selected to take on a new challenge; my next posting was to become the Quartermaster and Training Officer of the British Army Training Team (BATT) in the Gambia West Africa.

The title sounded great, but I had no idea what the job entailed – and come to that, at the time I didn’t even know where the Gambia was! What I also didn’t know was that the job was about to totally take over my life. I was to be responsible for the recruiting and training of the Gambia National Army, a total of 1,500 men to be recruited and trained to take over the duties of overt and covert operations for the protection of His Excellency the President of the Gambia. This was to be achieved with a small team, consisting of four British Army Warrant Officers, along with an Engineering Officer. I was away quite a lot, visiting many villages in the interior and selecting the best men to recruit into the Army. I was in effect working over fourteen hours a day in the tropics, I became totally drained, yet achieved some excellent results. Sadly, it was at the expense of my marriage. I had almost become a stranger to my wife, and despite all my efforts to maintain a loving relationship, we continued to drift apart.

This three-year period of my life, although militarily a success, was a disaster as far as my marital relationship was concerned. We no longer had the same interests, and there were no young families for my wife to nurture, something she was very good at. It was, however, fantastic when our children visited during school holidays for their time in the sun. The trouble was I had very little time to enjoy life with them when they were on holiday with us. I have subsequently written a book on this period of my life entitled How We Built the Gambia Army.

I stayed in the Gambia for over three years. Initially it was only intended for me to be there for two years, but the president requested that I stay because of the success of the job which I had created. I left more than a part of me in the Gambia; I left my life. Our send-off from West Africa was extremely stressful, and I broke down as soon as we entered the aircraft.

On return to the UK, I was posted back to Bordon in Hampshire where we moved into married quarters and I was promoted to major. I moved to take over Headquarter Company, at the School of Electrical and Mechanical Engineering (SEME). Now I was unhappy in my marriage and also with my new job back in the UK. After such a fantastic hands-on job in Africa, there was absolutely no way that I could get the same job satisfaction from flying a desk, as I had made myself into a totally hands-on type of guy.

To go with my new job, I had to attend a very sensitive course at Bristol University, to teach me how to deal with some of the more difficult, sensitive subjects which some of our younger families get involved in.

For the very first time in my life, I met someone on this course with whom I felt with a certainty I was totally compatible. Her name was Sally-Ann, and our love for each other grew so very quickly, neither of us could believe it. The course started on 14 March 1991 and was split into two parts, both of one week duration. The period in between was taken up by carrying out a live case study about a young military couple who couldn’t have children and had turned to drugs and alcohol in an attempt to take the stress out of their lives. However, their marriage turned to violence, and the young soldier was subsequently charged by the military and underwent a trial by court martial.

Sally-Ann and I got together to work on this case before the second part of the course. Sally-Ann was at this time living with her husband in married quarters in Aldershot, and I in my house on the South Coast in Hampshire. By this time, we believed we were in love with each other.

Sadness

We were both unhappy in our first marriages, and this chance meeting had now turned into a strong relationship in a very short time, but I guess when you fall in love, you instantly know that this is the one, or so you believe.

The situation was unbearable for me, still living in my matrimonial home, which was a little three-bedroom house on the south coast. I was full of guilt, and I tried to keep the knowledge of my new-found love away from my wife, but this was short lived. I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to deceive her any longer. Sally-Ann and I had now become infatuated with each other, and we had decided to inform our respective spouses that we wanted to initiate divorce proceedings.

My wife just couldn’t and wouldn’t accept a divorce as being the way forward, She tried to block the divorce on religious grounds. Being a Catholic, although not practicing during our marriage, she had decided that she wasn’t going to make it easy!

It was very difficult to keep the situation quiet within my military community, and I know that Sally-Ann was in effect suffering the same situation, so I moved into accommodations in the officer’s mess. Soon all sorts of reports were circulating on our present situation, and I found that I couldn’t just continue to live in the mess; I was fortunate that a very good friend of mine was into the house letting business, and he offered us a house in the area short-term, whilst we sorted our new lives out. We agreed that we would tell our respective partners on 4 August that divorce proceedings were to be served on them; this shocked everyone, who I felt sure just didn’t or couldn’t believe that this was the real thing. How wrong they were. We moved into our rented house together on 21 August 1991.

What was to follow didn’t make sense at all; Sally-Ann’s husband challenged our divorce on military grounds, being as we were both serving officers of the Queen. Our superiors were from the old school and felt that, although nothing should stand in the way of true love, still, the military doctrine just didn’t recognise that acts of love could possibly take place between brother officers and their wives and that I should give serious consideration