God Gave Us Beauty from Ashes

By Naomi Smith

At each attempt to make a life changing transition, the authors family secrets would scream to come out. Her need to protect those nearest her would keep her life normal, but tormented on the inside. Her poignant portrayal of a God, who is able to bring their secrets to the healing sunlight of His grace, while loving both the victim as well as the perpetrator, is a saga no one who has been touched by sexual abuse can afford to miss. I will recommend this most helpful volume to many of my clients. A counselor in private practice for over twenty years.

When I arrived at the prison, I had to pass through numerous locked gates on my way to the hospital. How strange and intimidating it felt to hear yet another door lock behind me as we went into the depths of the prison. I couldnt help but feel a twinge of fear as the guards took us past scummy looking men hanging out in the hallways. Finally, we came to my fathers room and I could see him through the open door. He was lying in his bed gazing at the ceiling and his face was shining! He hadnt noticed that I had come, so I stood enraptured, wondering at the change in my Daddys countenance. While I was at the prison, I had a chance to talk alone with the prison doctor, and was encouraged by his comments as well. Your dads story needs to be told, he said to me. He is truly a changed man. Other people need to know that God can change anybody, even child molesters. There are many people inside these locked doors, and outside in the world, who have lost hope that God would do anything for them. Your fathers changed life is a testimony of Gods faithfulness to any sinner who chooses to repent.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Balboa Press
• Release date: Apr 2, 2015
• ISBN: 9781452597713

Naomi Smith

Born the daughter of a pedophile, I wondered why God would chose to miraculously place a baby into such a home as mine. In time I would learn that He isn’t as threatened by our sins as we are, because He sees that He is big enough to bring healing to all, even those who are in the worst of situations. I have come to understand God in ways that I never would have in better circumstances, and I am so thankful for the life I have had, excepting for the ways in which I have hurt other people who are dear to my heart.

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Copyright © 2015 Naomi Smith.

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The author of this book does not dispense medical advice or prescribe the use of any technique as a form of treatment for physical, emotional, or medical problems without the advice of a physician, either directly or indirectly. The intent of the author is only to offer information of a general nature to help you in your quest for emotional and spiritual well-being. In the event you use any of the information in this book for yourself, which is your constitutional right, the author and the publisher assume no responsibility for your actions.

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

ISBN: 978-1-4525-9770-6 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-9772-0 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4525-9771-3 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014919078

Balboa Press rev. date: 03/30/2015

CONTENTS

Dedication

Preface

Introduction

Chapter One Beginning Days

Chapter Two Changing Times

Chapter Three At Grandpa’s Place

Chapter Four Saved By God’s Mercy

Chapter Five Unthinkable Next Event

Chapter Six School Days, New Homes, And New Babies

Chapter Seven White Washed Lives

Chapter Eight The Worst Happens

Chapter Nine Summer Camp

Chapter Ten Dorm Life

Chapter Eleven Eventful Times

Chapter Twelve Growing Up

Chapter Thirteen Graduation And Beyond

Chapter Fourteen Engaged

Chapter Fifteen My Own Way

Chapter Sixteen Anthony’s Wife

Chapter Seventeen Life With Anthony

Chapter Eighteen Visiting Daddy, And Another Baby

Chapter Nineteen Mice, Rattlesnakes And A Dying Baby

Chapter Twenty God’s Word Fulfilled

Chapter Twenty-One Troubles Of Every Kind

Chapter Twenty-Two Miracles At The Pintsized House

Chapter Twenty-Three A Thousand Ways…

Chapter Twenty-Four Growing Pains

Chapter Twenty-Five In Need Of Grace

Chapter Twenty-Six Separated

Chapter Twenty-Seven Divorced

Chapter Twenty-Eight The Most Beautiful House In All The World

Chapter Twenty-Nine Charlie

Chapter Thirty Engaged Again

Chapter Thirty-One A Sad Turn Of Events

Chapter Thirty-Two In Need Of God’s Help

Chapter Thirty-Three Jake’s Story

Chapter Thirty-Four You Will Suffer

Chapter Thirty-Five Now I Will Bless You

Chapter Thirty-Six The Next Chapter…

Chapter Thirty-Seven Going Home

Chapter Thirty-Eight Daddy’s Last Days

Chapter Thirty-Nine Our Disastrous Decisions

Chapter Forty Finally Understanding God Is Big Enough

Epilogue

DEDICATION

I would especially like to dedicate my story to my Heavenly Father, who has walked so faithfully with my family and with me. He has never turned His back on us, in spite of the serious sin problems that we have dealt with. I desire to bring hope to anyone that may feel they are just too broken for even God to fix. He tells us in Jeremiah 29:11, I know the plans that I have for you. Plans to give you hope and a future. He wants to do that for each one of us. Since I have seen Him work in our lives, I want to share our story with you.

In Isaiah 61:2-4 our heavenly Father has promised us that He would comfort all that mourn and that He would "give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they might be called trees of righteousness; the planting of the Lord that He might be glorified. He further states, And they shall build up the former desolations, and they shall repair the waste cities, the desolations of many generations." I simply want to give Him thanks for doing this is my family.

PREFACE

I returned to college when I was forty-five years of age to prepare for ministry. After spending a couple of years at a state university working on my core classes, I transferred to a church college to begin ministry classes. My first assignment there was to write my personal story—as it was felt that no one could help others effectively without understanding their own life, and how God has worked in it, bringing them to a place of peace. I was asked to find someone to help me edit that manuscript, as it would be kept permanently in the files for future students to enjoy.

Immediately I thought of my past writing instructor, who graciously agreed to help me with this new project. After reading my manuscript he commented, I worked for years as an editor for a publishing company, and I feel that you need to share your story, as it could bless many others. Thus was birthed the beginning of God Gave Us Beauty from the Ashes. It has taken me many years to complete this work, editing it repeatedly. Each time through this process I understood myself a little better, and was able to be even more honest with myself, and with you. It is my prayer that this endeavor will help you evaluate your own life—in the light of God’s love—and allow Him to heal the broken places in your own soul. I have wanted to share our story so you might know how God has actually worked in our lives. His ways have amazed me. His patience and mercy are beyond my grasp and I am filled with deep gratitude.

I want to thank all those who have helped me with this work. First of all, I wish to thank my dear husband who has kindly shared me with my computer for countless hours while I toiled with this mission, and who has encouraged me to keep going in moments that I felt incapable of accomplishing my desired goal. Also I would immensely thank a precious friend, a family therapist who understands the complexity of what I am trying to do. She not only encouraged me with the value of my story, but also helped me with the editing. There are others who have assisted me in various ways. You know who you are. I just want to say thank you to you as well.

Though I have spoken candidly about the sins in the lives of individuals in my family I would like to make note of the things that I appreciate in my parents. My father was a hardworking man, who valued me. Even though I didn’t trust him, and in ways I was afraid of him, I understood his high opinion of me, and that understanding gave me a confidence that I would never have had otherwise. I am grateful for the work ethic which he mentored so well, for his creativity, his positive outlook on life and for his desire for God. Even though his sins left scars on my heart, I know that I also have many attributes, which I appreciate, that I gained from him.

And my dear mother always gave me the best she knew how to give. Her love and sacrifice gave me life in a special sense. I value the weeks she spent on her back praying for me, her unborn daughter. Also she taught me how to be a homemaker; to cook, plant a garden and harvest the produce for the coming winter. Her love of people, her willingness to invite them into our home for a meal, or just to listen to their needs, blessed my life with an understanding of the importance of hospitality to one and all. Her story telling abilities brought joy into my childhood, and her faith made me much of what I am. She lived to serve others. I am thankful for all these things!

INTRODUCTION

B eing a pedophile’s daughter, I wondered why God miracously spared my life as my mother, who had been ordered by her doctor to complete bed rest in an attempt to prolong her pregnancy, prayed for me. When she continued in prayer her preterm labor would subside, only to return later. Thus she spent months pleading again and again with God for me, realizing her prayers were essential to my well-being and even my life. It took me a long time to understand why my heavenly Father would chose to give a pedophile a miracle baby.

And why did He also bear patiently, for so many years, with my pedophile Father? After all, aren’t pedophiles hopeless victims of their own sins? When I completed the family circle and lay in bed, similarly pleading for the lives of my unborn, why did God miracously give me my children, knowing that they too were being born into dysfunctional homes?

Aside from the issues I dealt with due to the dysfunction and abuses in my childhood home, I experienced a variety of other challenging things that taught me the truth of Romans 8:28, which states that all things work together for the good of those who trust God.

As I moved into my adult years I had no idea how ill-prepared to deal with marriage, or even other types of relationships, my childhood had left me. I didn’t know how to communicate my thoughts or feelings, having learned by keeping our family’s secret, to simply stuff any negative reactions away somewhere, so no one would know about them. This caused me to fail to build honest connections, which resulted in disaster for me and those close to me. Recognizing that everyone on our planet is broken in different ways, I have shared my personal journey, desiring to encourage others to evaluate how they have been effected by their past. May they be encouraged to allow God’s healing touch in their lives.

I deeply desired to be a blessing to humanity and a fruitful servant of God, but instead I failed in many ways—yet God in His mercy continued to teach me slowly, painfully, but thoroughly many things that I would never have learned if my life had been different. I find myself grateful for all that has taken place, except my mistakes which have hurt others so deeply, because of the wisdom that has come to me through these struggles. I learned that God is so much bigger than any sin problem or dysfunction that we might have. Thus He is not threatened by these things as we are, and is therefore able to bring good out of evil, blessings from curses, and beauty from our ashes.

God Gave Us Beauty from the Ashes-Naomi Smith

CHAPTER ONE

BEGINNING DAYS

M y parents stood transfixed watching a breath-taking rainbow form across the meadow from where they were standing. It almost seemed possible to touch it. They believed one can never really stand in a rainbow’s end, but somehow this one seemed different.

Let’s walk across the meadow and see if we can stand in it. Mother begged.

Don’t be foolish, Daddy quipped. It isn’t possible to stand in a rainbow’s end.

I know that, she agreed, but there is something unusual about this rainbow. Please walk across the meadow with me, just because I want to see if we might possibly be able to stand in it.

While walking into the beautiful rainbow a feeling of excitement and euphoria rushed over my parents as the brilliant colors danced on their faces and arms. Look! Just look at us! I can’t believe this! Mother squealed in delight as she turned this way and that in amazement as the rainbow flashed on them.

In the midst of this excitement a strong sense of foreboding came over Mother, and joy faded as thoughts pelted her inner being. I think we’re going to have some kind of trouble. I wonder what God is trying to tell me? I know that something isn’t right in our marriage. Is God giving me this rainbow because He’s promising to help me endure the trouble that lies ahead? But Tom is in this unusual rainbow too. God must be promising that He’ll do something for him as well. God sent the first rainbow to Noah long ago as a promise that He’d never destroy the Earth by a flood again. It must be that God is covenanting with us to turn our trouble into a blessing.

Shortly into Mother and Daddy’s second year of marriage, baby Alayne came to bless their home. My mom was especially grateful for the companionship her tiny daughter brought to her. She was lonely because Daddy had been extremely distant since the beginning of their marriage. She had been a tall laughing girl with sparkling eyes and long blond curls, whose peers appreciated for her fun loving ways, and they could always count on her to invent something exciting to do! Now, isolated from family and friends, while living in a makeshift cabin far from town, her loneliness seemed unbearable.

Just three days after their wedding day Daddy had left Mother, an eighteen year old girl, by herself without transportation or phone for days on end, causing her to feel like a prisoner in her own home, while he worked in the woods as a logger. She eagerly waited his return, longing for talk, but when he returned he’d brush past her to selfishly pursue his own interests. So now she consoled herself with the company of her child. Mother wished Daddy would spend time with her, but at least she finally had the baby to talk to. She felt angry and hurt by his neglect and wondered why he left them alone for such lengths of time without providing firewood, since they were completely dependent on it for heat? What was she supposed to do without even a chainsaw to make any fuel? Things like that made her feel as if she was just his slave. Adding fuel to her frustration, he bought himself a new piano before she had a washing machine, forcing her to wash his greasy, muddy overalls on a washboard. Making matters worse, she still didn’t even have a refrigerator!

Daddy adored Alayne, and thought that she was the most beautiful baby girl ever born. Somehow Mother felt more accepted seeing him doting over their little daughter so affectionately. But fifteen months later baby Tivona arrived and Daddy became angry because he had wanted her to be a boy! And he was embarrassed because little Tivona was born with a slightly misshapen head. He treated Mother as if these things were her fault, making her feel as if both she and her new little daughter were rejected. As her darling girls grew older it crushed her spirit to watch Daddy spend time with Alayne while he brusquely sent Tivona away. He liked helping Alayne learn to sing, but he would tell Tivona to go play when she tried to join them. His voice tones said, Alayne is beautiful and talented, but you aren’t worth much. I’d be wasting my time trying to help you.

In a couple more years, a third baby was on the way. By that time Mother had become thin and quiet. She had entered marriage a bubbling, young woman full of life, but now her spirit was troubled. It had been at least a year since Daddy kissed her affectionately. One day she couldn’t take this distance any longer and determined to do something to break the negative cycle. How my mom longed for him to take her into his arms and hold her close, and to tell her that he appreciated her. He was working in the back forty so it would be a long walk with her heavy belly—but she had to have a kiss. She would surprise him with a cold drink! When at last Mother reached Daddy, she only experienced deeper rejection. Daddy took the drink while he coldly retorted, Why in the world did you walk all the way out here with the girls? Can’t you see that I’m busy? You ought to be working too!

There are no moments for me, she thought. Why does he treat me like this?

Mother realized that this pregnancy wasn’t going well, but she worked hard helping with the home chores anyway. If you don’t take things easy, the doctor warned, you could have your baby prematurely. You must stop doing heavy work like chopping wood or hoeing in the garden. You need to rest.

When she explained what the doctor had said, Daddy just snorted, That’s ridiculous! My mom always worked hard during her pregnancies and it didn’t hurt her a bit. How could I manage doing your jobs with all my work? There is no reason to pamper yourself just because you are going to have a baby.

He doesn’t listen to me, she mused. He wants a boy so badly, and maybe this baby will be his boy. So why does he insist that I do such heavy work when it could mean the life of our baby?

Before long Mother gave birth to little Timothy, who was born three months too early.

This beautiful child only lived twenty minutes before breathing his last earthly breath. A part of Mother died and was buried with her much-wanted little boy, but faith took hold of the rainbow promise. Perhaps this is why God gave me the rainbow experience, she reflected. There must be a reason why He let my baby die. I know that He’ll give me back my baby when Jesus comes. Then I’ll get to raise him in heaven where there will be no evil. Maybe God thinks its best that my baby sleep in the grave for now. I know that God loves us and will do what’s best for us. I will just trust Him.

However, Daddy got very upset with Mother because she had lost his boy. He didn’t acknowledge that it was probably his fault little Timothy died, since he made her work when she needed repose. Instead of comforting her, he treated Mother with coldness, and with indifference of her needs. He acted as if she were to blame for losing his baby, even refusing to allow her to plan a little funeral for their tiny son. How comforting it would have been if he had taken her in his arms and cried with her, and if together they had planned a simple service. Her heart ached because that didn’t happen, while her arms ached with the emptiness of her loss.

Nonetheless, it appeared that Daddy learned some things through this sad experience. A couple of years later Mother became pregnant for the fourth time, and when she started having complications Daddy listened to the doctor when he ordered complete bed rest for her. She spent many weeks flat on her back praying not only for her baby’s life, but also that God would especially bless this unborn child spiritually.

A cold December night found Mother once more giving birth. A sweet, quiet Presence filled the room during this birthing experience. She knew of no other way to explain what happened than to say that there was an atmosphere in the room that could be felt in the heart. The awesome sacredness of that moment was such a tender consolation from her heavenly Father that she was deeply comforted. Even the doctor, who claimed that he didn’t believe in God, commented, Something unusual is happening here. I feel a presence that I have never experienced before. It must be a Divine Presence.

When I arrived that night Mother and Daddy named me Naomi. I have always been grateful for those months that mother spent lying on her back, praying for me. I believe they have had a profound impact on my life because I have always had a keen interest in spiritual things. My relationship with my Maker is the central focus of my life. I wish that I could say that I have always listened to His voice in my heart, and followed His will for me. I know that I have failed God many times, but I also know that He has always been patient with me and has forgiven me.

I was a sensitive child, and remarkably, my first memories go way back to my early months. Daddy was building a new home for us; furthermore, we lived in the basement while the upstairs was being finished. I remember sitting on a blanket on the cold cement floor with a few toys around me that didn’t interest me. When my big sisters went outdoors to play in the sunshine, I was drawn to the light that came in through the opened door. Feelings permeated my home that made me feel vulnerable and insecure. I sensed something intangible, heavy, dark and evil flying in the air, and felt as if it might hit me. Because I had been given a special anointing of God’s Spirit at the time of my birth I was enabled to understand spiritually sensitive issues.

I don’t remember actually moving upstairs, but I recall appreciating the light there after we moved in. How I loved the cheery colors in our new kitchen in contrast to that awful basement. There was bright blue, red, and yellow specks in the shiny new linoleum. The walls were a lovely white, and the cupboards were painted a brilliant blue.

CHAPTER TWO

CHANGING TIMES

I was learning to drink from a cup by myself, and found that to be a challenge. I would try not to spill my milk, but sometimes I still had accidents. These accidents irritated Daddy. Naomi, he would scold, you must be more careful. Look at the mess you just made! We don’t need you wasting your food like that! This scolding made me feel all tight and scared inside.

One day Mother passed Daddy a large bowl of gravy, and somehow he dropped it. As it crashed onto our pretty floor the glass bowl broke into many pieces. I didn’t know whether to feel scared because he might get angry, or to laugh because it was funny that he had made a mess after scolding me for doing that. I saw my big sisters smirking and knew they wanted to laugh as well. Not a word was said, and Mother quickly cleaned up his