Don't Take the Bait: A Guide to Healthy Co-Parenting After Divorce

By Doug Case

It's hard to co-parent after the divorce is finalized!

Whether you are navigating through wording in a decree, balancing schedules, finding common ground, dating after divorce, walking through forgiveness, or even just trying to raise kids, it is

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Oct 19, 2022
• ISBN: 9798887380902

Doug Case

Doug Case is the Executive Pastor of HighRidge Church Longview, along with being one of the founding members of Unite Leadership and Transformation Longview. He has worked with amazing leaders, including John Maxwell, Craig Groeschel, Dr. Caroline Leaf, Dr. Dharius Daniels, Willie Robertson, Christine Caine, and many others raising up godly leaders. He has a huge heart for men and women who lead their families biblically and build strong marriages.

Book preview

DontTakeTheBait1.jpg

Don’t Take the Bait

A GUIDE TO HEALTHY

CO-PARENTING AFTER DIVORCE

BY DOUGLAS CASE

Don’t Take the Bait: A Guide to Healthy Co-Parenting After Divorce

Trilogy Christian Publishers A Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Trinity Broadcasting Network

2442 Michelle Drive Tustin, CA 92780

Copyright © 2022 by Douglas Case

Scripture quotations marked MSG are taken from THE MESSAGE, copyright © 1993, 2002, 2018 by Eugene H. Peterson. Used by permission of NavPress. All rights reserved. Represented by Tyndale House Publishers, Inc. Scripture quotations marked NIV are taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.TM Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The NIV and New International Version are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.TM Scripture quotations marked NLV are taken from the New Life Version, Copyright © 1969 and 2003. Used by permission of Barbour Publishing, Inc., Uhrichsville, Ohio 44683. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without written permission from the author. All rights reserved. Printed in the USA.

Rights Department, 2442 Michelle Drive, Tustin, CA 92780.

Trilogy Christian Publishing/TBN and colophon are trademarks of Trinity Broadcasting Network.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Trilogy Christian Publishing.

Trilogy Disclaimer: The views and content expressed in this book are those of the author and may not necessarily reflect the views and doctrine of Trilogy Christian Publishing or the Trinity Broadcasting Network.

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 979-8-88738-089-6

E-ISBN: 979-8-88738-090-2

Dedication

To my amazing wife, Laura Case. Without your support, love, and encouragement, I would not be able to accomplish all that God has planned for me. I am thankful for your warm heart and the love you show me endlessly. Also, to my five awesome, wild kids, you each challenge me to become a better person and father. You keep our lives full and interesting, and I cannot imagine it any other way.

And last but certainly not least, to my pastors, family, and friends that have encouraged me and challenged me in this journey. I appreciate the wisdom and grace you have given me, and it is my prayer that this book can do for others what you have done for me. I am deeply honored to be a part of all that God is doing at HighRidge Church! It is an honor to serve our awesome city of Longview.

I am forever grateful that Jesus saved me, chose me, and loves me.

Introduction

We have five children; we are a blended family. That is how most of my conversations start. I meet someone new, and they ask me to tell them about my family. What I love most, though, is watching their face. I love seeing their reaction when I share those words with them. They look puzzled, shocked, or even surprised. They usually tilt their head and say something like really or that’s interesting.

The shocking part about this statement isn’t that we have five kids. It usually is because they know my occupation; I am a pastor, and they are shocked to hear we have a blended family. If we are being real here, when it comes to the church, we don’t always consider blended families, and we don’t like addressing the issue of divorce. In most churches, we focus on telling people to work on their marriage, and even though I believe it is true, there are times when it is not possible. In addition, we don’t always give parenting tips to people who adopt children or raise someone else’s kids because of a previous marriage or relationship.

That surprises me because the church is one big, blended family. Please hear me, God has a plan for traditional families, and His way, of course, is the master design. He did not get this wrong, and He didn’t intend for divorce; however, we have a God who can redeem and restore anything even when there is brokenness. There are biblical reasons for divorce, and I would never recommend it if you can reconcile; however, statistics show us this is a common trend in society and even the church.

When we think about pastors, we typically think about them serving and leading in church but not what they had to walk through. We are not much different than anyone else. Pastors have failures and shortfalls, and we know God can use anyone because He is using us, some of the most broken people in the world. Jeremiah 30:17 (NIV) states, ‘I will restore you to health and heal your wounds,’ declares the Lord, ‘because you are called an outcast, Zion for whom no one cares.’ That verse speaks to me personally because, at those low moments, I felt like an outcast.

I felt that no one cared, but that wasn’t the truth. In reality, the church and its leaders were the ones who stepped in and loved me, guided me, and helped me through my mistakes and my divorce. If you have had past hurts from church leaders, I apologize for them. I am sorry that someone hurt you and might have pushed you away from what God intended to help, heal, and restore. But our God intended the church to do exactly what I just shared, to be a healthy place to recover, heal, and grow. In my brokenness, I had to turn from my past patterns of sin and repent. I needed to see that I had someone that cared. I served a God who wanted to restore me, and He placed people in my life to assist with the process.

I have an amazing wife with five kids; yes, we have five kids, as stated above, and I am remarried. God knew what He was doing. Our house is crazy at times! Each one of our kids has its own unique personality. Over the years, my wife and I both worked multiple jobs, served in the church, served our community, completed graduate courses, and had to alternate weekends where we were empty nesters.

What is most amazing is how we met and worked together to give our kids the best future possible for the circumstance they have to walk through. Is our life perfect? Of course not. Do our kids have past hurts and wounds? Of course, they do. But I fully believe in my heart that God is working on those daily. He is restoring what was broken, and He is responsible for fixing what we could not fix.

Years ago, I was walking through my divorce when I decided to visit my pastor, Pastor Tim Ingram, and seek guidance. I wish I could say I was living a clean life, obeying God, and chasing after Him with all I had, but that was not the case. I just got out of the hospital and believed God was nudging me to visit my friend and pastor, Tim Ingram.

I was in the hospital because the stress of the divorce, being rejected from a prior spouse (I had my fair share in it as well), losing time with my daughter, etc., was so stressful that it almost gave me a stroke. The divorce was hard, and instead of seeking God, I was looking for approval. I just wanted to be wanted. While walking through the inevitable pain of divorce, I chose several wrong paths to numb the pain, one of which was internet dating. Not that meeting someone online is a problem; the problem was in my mind I was going to cross boundaries and approach it the wrong way. On top of all that, it was even dumber because my divorce wasn’t even final at the time. I was still married, sleeping around now, and skipping time with my daughter. I would tell people I was alright, but in reality, I was in so much pain and very hurt.

I remember lying in the hospital bed, having my blood pressure the highest it ever has been, when I said out loud, God, if You get me through this, I will do anything You ask. It was a dangerous prayer, but I meant it. I felt the Lord leading me to visit my friend Pastor Tim, who had recently moved to Longview, Texas, and to admit my mistakes to him and seek guidance on where to go from here. Let me help you with one of the best things I can give you; when you are in pain and need help, don’t isolate yourself. Seek out someone who has walked through similar struggles and has the life that you want. They can help you avoid mistakes, make good choices, and can empathize with your pain. Three days later, I obeyed the Lord; I drove to Longview. During that time, I clearly heard the Lord give me direction for my life, that I would be a pastor, and that Longview would be my next home. None of these things were in my plan, but after the bold prayer I prayed in the hospital, I knew God was calling me to obedience and to a life that I always desired but didn’t know how to get on my own. Not only had God spared my life, but He was also healing me physically, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. I owed Him everything; at this point, obedience was the only option.

I repented to Pastor Tim and apologized for not taking his advice about walking in purity. I vividly remember telling him, If God wants me to be married again, He’s going to have to put her on a platform at church. I had no clue that God would do just that, and right after my conversation with Pastor Tim. Actually, it happened the same day!

That evening, walking into HighRidge Longview, I noticed a woman on the platform with a beautiful voice leading worship. I felt the Lord tell me, That is your wife. I remember wrestling with that thought…thinking things like, God, I am broken. I am not ready. I know I told You I would do anything, but this feels like a lot. I surrendered my will to God and introduced myself, and we had a quick conversation. This might sound romantic, but it was not. It was two surrendered, hurt, and broken individuals saying yes to what God had next. This is how most things work out for me; I am hesitant, I hear the Lord speak, nudging me to obey to take the next step of faith, and then hope for the best.

The next night as Laura and I were talking and getting to know each other, I shared my story with her. I shared the good, the bad, and the ugly. I told her we could only be friends until my divorce was finalized. We agreed to pray and fast before we made anything official. (The Bible discusses fasting over seventy times throughout the Word; it is important to God that we align ourselves spiritually with Him when we are making major decisions. Prayer and fasting together will help you hear God’s will and align your heart with His plan. We decided to take this approach because we both knew that we couldn’t walk through another divorce. We have faced that pain by doing it our way before, but this time we wanted to align with God’s Word over our thoughts, fears, feelings, or hesitations.)

Wrapping up our conversation, I knew I had to say something that was hard to say, but obedience was easy at this point because I had done everything so wrong before. I was determined to get this one right; I told Laura that I would not sleep with her until we got married if marriage was what God had for us. She began crying, and I was confused why tears were rolling down her face. I was confident this was the right approach, but I didn’t know why she was crying until she said to me, That is everything I have been waiting to hear. She opened up, stating that it was a mistake