God Gave Us Beauty from Ashes

By Naomi Smith

At each attempt to make a life changing transition, the author’s family secrets would scream to come out. Her need to protect those nearest her would keep her life normal, but tormented on the inside. Her poignant portrayal of a God, who is able to bring their secrets to the healing sunlight of His grace, while loving both the victim as we

• Language: English
• Publisher: TOPLINK PUBLISHING, LLC
• Release date: Aug 14, 2017
• ISBN: 9781947620612

Naomi Smith

Born the daughter of a pedophile, I wondered why God would chose to miraculously place a baby into such a home as mine. In time I would learn that He isn’t as threatened by our sins as we are, because He sees that He is big enough to bring healing to all, even those who are in the worst of situations. I have come to understand God in ways that I never would have in better circumstances, and I am so thankful for the life I have had, excepting for the ways in which I have hurt other people who are dear to my heart.

Book preview

Chapter One

Beginning Days

My parents stood transfixed watching a breath-taking rainbow form across the meadow from where they were standing. It almost seemed possible to touch it. They believed one can never really stand in a rainbow’s end, but somehow this one seemed different.

Let’s walk across the meadow and see if we can stand in it. Mother begged.

Don’t be foolish, Daddy quipped. It isn’t possible to stand in a rainbow’s end.

I know that, she agreed, but there is something unusual about this rainbow. Please walk across the meadow with me, just because I want to see if we might possibly be able to stand in it.

While walking into the beautiful rainbow a feeling of excitement and euphoria rushed over my parents as the brilliant colors danced on their faces and arms. Look! Just look at us! I can’t believe this! Mother squealed in delight as she turned this way and that in amazement as the rainbow flashed on them.

In the midst of this excitement a strong sense of foreboding came over Mother, and joy faded as thoughts pelted her inner being. I think we’re going to have some kind of trouble. I wonder what God is trying to tell me? I know that something isn’t right in our marriage. Is God giving me this rainbow because He’s promising to help me endure the trouble that lies ahead? But Tom is in this unusual rainbow too. God must be promising that He’ll do something for him as well. God sent the first rainbow to Noah long ago as a promise that He’d never destroy the Earth by a flood again. It must be that God is covenanting with us to turn our trouble into a blessing.

Shortly into Mother and Daddy’s second year of marriage, baby Alayne came to bless their home. My mom was especially grateful for the companionship her tiny daughter brought to her. She was lonely because Daddy had been extremely distant since the beginning of their marriage. She was a tall laughing girl with sparkling eyes and long blond curls, whose peers appreciated for her fun loving ways, and they could always count on her to invent something exciting to do! Now, isolated from family and friends, while living in a makeshift cabin far from town, her loneliness seemed unbearable.

Just three days after their wedding day Daddy left Mother, an eighteen year old girl, by herself without transportation or phone for days on end, causing her to feel like a prisoner in her own home, while he worked in the woods as a logger. She eagerly waited his return, longing for talk, but when he returned he’d brush past her to selfishly pursue his own interests. So now she consoled herself with the company of her child. Mother wished Daddy would spend time with her, but at least she finally had the baby to talk to. She felt angry and hurt by his neglect and wondered why he left them alone for such lengths of time without providing firewood, since they were completely dependent on it for heat? What was she supposed to do without even a chainsaw to make any fuel? Things like that made her feel as if she was just his slave. Adding fuel to her frustration, he bought himself a new piano before she had a washing machine, forcing her to wash his greasy, muddy overalls on a washboard. Making matters worse, she still didn’t even have a refrigerator!

Daddy adored Alayne, and thought that she was the most beautiful baby girl ever born. Somehow Mother felt more accepted seeing him doting over their little daughter so affectionately. But fifteen months later baby Tivona arrived and Daddy became angry because he wanted her to be a boy! And he was embarrassed because little Tivona was born with a slightly misshapen head. He treated Mother as if these things were her fault, making her feel that both she and her new little daughter were rejected. As her darling girls grew older it crushed her spirit to watch Daddy spend time with Alayne while he brusquely sent Tivona away. He liked helping Alayne learn to sing, but he would tell Tivona to go play when she tried to join them. His voice tones said, Alayne is beautiful and talented, but you aren’t worth much. I’d be wasting my time trying to help you.

In a couple more years, a third baby was on the way. By that time Mother had become thin and quiet. She had entered marriage a bubbling, young woman full of life, but now her spirit was troubled. It had been at least a year since Daddy kissed her affectionately. One day she couldn’t take this distance any longer and determined to do something to break the negative cycle. How my mom longed for him to take her into his arms and hold her close, and to tell her that he appreciated her. He was working in the back forty so it would be a long walk with her heavy belly—but she deeply yearned for affection. She would surprise him with a cold drink! When at last Mother reached Daddy, she only experienced deeper rejection. Daddy took the drink while he coldly retorted, Why in the world did you walk all the way out here with the girls? Can’t you see that I’m busy? You ought to be working too!

There are no moments for me, she thought. Why does he treat me like this?

Mother realized that this pregnancy wasn’t going well, but she worked hard helping with the home chores anyway. If you don’t take things easy, the doctor warned, you could have your baby prematurely. You must stop doing heavy work like chopping wood or hoeing in the garden. You need to rest.

When she explained what the doctor had said, Daddy just snorted, That’s ridiculous! My mom always chopped the firewood and such things during her pregnancies and it didn’t hurt her a bit. How could I manage doing your jobs with all my work? There is no reason to pamper yourself just because you are going to have a baby.

He doesn’t listen to me, she mused. He wants a boy so badly, and maybe this baby will be his boy. So why does he insist that I do such heavy work when it could mean the life of our baby?

Before long Mother gave birth to little Timothy, who was born three months too early.

This beautiful child only lived twenty minutes before breathing his last earthly breath. A part of Mother died and was buried with her much-wanted little boy, but faith took hold of the rainbow promise. Perhaps this is why God gave me the rainbow experience, she reflected. There must be a reason why He let my baby die. I know that He’ll give me back my baby when Jesus comes. Then I’ll get to raise him in heaven where there will be no evil. Maybe God thinks its best that my baby sleep in the grave for now. I know that God loves us and will do what’s best for us. I will just trust Him.

However, Daddy got very upset with Mother because she had lost his boy. He didn’t acknowledge that it was probably his fault little Timothy died, since he made her work when she needed repose. Instead of comforting her, he treated Mother with coldness, and with indifference of her needs. He acted as if she were to blame for losing his baby, even refusing to allow her to plan a little funeral for their tiny son. How comforting it would have been if he had taken her in his arms and cried with her, and if together they had planned a simple service. Her heart ached because that didn’t happen, while her arms ached with the emptiness of her loss.

Nonetheless, it appeared that Daddy learned some things through this sad experience. A couple of years later Mother became pregnant for the fourth time, and when she started having complications Daddy listened to the doctor when he ordered complete bed rest for her. She spent many weeks flat on her back praying not only for her baby’s life, but also that God would especially bless this unborn child spiritually.

A cold December night found Mother once more giving birth. A sweet, quiet Presence filled the room during this birthing experience. She knew of no other way to explain what happened than to say that there was an atmosphere in the room that could be felt in the heart. The awesome sacredness of that moment was such a tender consolation from her heavenly Father that she was deeply comforted. Even the doctor, who claimed that he didn’t believe in God, commented, Something unusual is happening here. I feel a presence that I have never experienced before. It must be a Divine Presence.

When I arrived that night Mother and Daddy named me Naomi. I have always been grateful for those months that mother spent lying on her back, praying for me. I believe they have had a profound impact on my life because I have always had a keen interest in spiritual things. My relationship with my Maker is the central focus of my life. I wish that I could say that I have always listened to His voice in my heart, and followed His will for me. I know that I have failed God many times, but I also know that He has always been patient with me and has forgiven me.

I was a sensitive child, and remarkably, my first memories go way back to my early months. Daddy was building a new home for us; furthermore, we lived in the basement while the upstairs was being finished. I remember sitting on a blanket on the cold cement floor with a few toys around me that didn’t interest me. When my big sisters went outdoors to play in the sunshine, I was drawn to the light that came in through the opened door. Feelings permeated my home that made me feel vulnerable and insecure. I sensed something intangible, heavy, dark and evil flying in the air, and felt as if it might hit me. Because I had been given a special anointing of God’s Spirit at the time of my birth I was enabled to understand spiritually sensitive issues.

I don’t remember actually moving upstairs, but I recall appreciating the light there after we moved in. How I loved the cheery colors in our new kitchen in contrast to that awful basement. There was bright blue, red, and yellow specks in the shiny new linoleum. The walls were a lovely white, and the cupboards were painted a brilliant blue.

Chapter Two

Changing Times

I was learning to drink from a cup by myself, and found that to be a challenge. I would try not to spill my milk, but sometimes I still had accidents. These accidents irritated Daddy. Naomi, he would scold, you must be more careful. Look at the mess you just made! We don’t need you wasting your food like that! This scolding made me feel all tight and scared inside.

One day Mother passed Daddy a large bowl of gravy, and somehow he dropped it. As it crashed onto our pretty floor the glass bowl broke into many pieces. I didn’t know whether to feel scared because he might get angry, or to laugh because it was funny that he had made a mess after scolding me for doing that. I saw my big sisters smirking and knew they wanted to laugh as well. Not a word was said, and Mother quickly cleaned up his mess.

Another time, Alayne and Tivona let me go with them for a walk out in the beautiful sunshine down a trail into the woods. I loved all the wild flowers, and wanted to stop and examine them one by one. My sisters became impatient and insisted we go home. They were sorry that they had let me come along—I was just too poky. Finally we made it back into our yard and I climbed onto a pile of lumber stacked there.

Come here Naomi, Alayne said, as she reached towards me. You are going to fall! Not wanting to listen to her, I backed away. Again she said, Come here! I continued to back up and fell off the far end. As I was crying over the fall I started walking across the lawn towards the front door to Mama. But there in the grass was an ugly black snake slithering along. A shiver of fear went down my little back as I hurried inside to safety.

At the age of about two and a half, I understood more fully something of the intangible darkness that I sometimes sensed in our home. I was alone in my bedroom one day when Daddy approached me and said, If you will let me see in your panties, you can look in mine. I knew instinctively that what Daddy wanted us to do was wrong. Something fearful caught within me, and a tight feeling came into my tummy and spread out into my chest. A sense of fear, darkness and evil quickly surrounded me that caused me to want to run away as fast as I could!

NO Daddy, I firmly said while I ran from him. As I think about this experience today I feel a powerful sense of gratitude to God for sending His Holy Spirit to me in my time of need, and protecting me from awful things. I believe that Mother’s intense and continued prayers for me before I was born had allowed the angels to give me special protection, enabling my baby heart some understanding of the danger that Daddy was to me. I am forever thankful that I had a praying mother! Though she failed me in many ways during my life, I feel extremely blessed for the spiritual support she gave me going back even to prenatal days.

I didn’t feel the same towards Daddy after that. I had never felt really good about him, but now I felt as if the dark scary things flying around our home had come close, causing me to never want to be alone with him. Even though this incident indelibly impacted me, so much so that I clearly remember it today, life still continued on quite normally. I believe God gave me a miracle of grace. For He alone can shield us from the evil that permeates our space so that we might have peace, and even joy, while going through difficult things.

Not long after that experience with Daddy, he brought home a tiny orphaned fawn which had come across his path in the woods while logging. How I enjoyed that sweet little baby, and it must have liked me too, because sometimes it would suck on my ear. It was a joy to hold its bottle at feeding time. When winter came our pet fawn had become a good friend to the whole family. We girls enjoyed playing outdoors in the snow. Sometimes we would run and slide on the ice in the driveway, and the fawn would run with us and slide too! She was so much fun and even seemed to be quite mischievous. One day in the spring Mother baked an apple pie and placed it on the kitchen counter to cool. When the door was left open the deer ran in, grabbed the pie in her mouth and fled. Mother wasn’t pleased with her then!

My parents never kept our pet penned up, so as she got older she often wandered into the woods. What a sad day for us when she came slowly into the yard bleeding from her shoulder. Mother examined her carefully and determined that she had a bullet wound. Someone had shot our pet, even though she had kept a large red collar on her neck. We girls began sobbing a little as our mother led our deer to the barn where she tried to stop the bleeding, but it was no use, and so our poor friend laid its head in her lap and died. Mother’s eyes were full of tears, and we girls couldn’t hold back our heart wrenching sobs as we looked at the dead body of our dear pal.

Mother tried to comfort us and said, One day soon Jesus will come back to earth with all His shining angels. We will meet Him in the air, and return to heaven with Him where everything is bright and beautiful, but best of all there will be no more awful things like this happening.

I thought about what she had said, and wanted Jesus to come so badly. That night I had a magnificent dream of Jesus coming back! In this dream, Jesus return with His hosts of angels was even more beautiful than I had imagined when Mother talked about it. The glory of that scene filled me with awe that has never been forgotten, and today I long for His coming with an intensity that is difficult to explain. I am tired of hearing about the sorrows of earth, and deeply desire that Better Land where innocent little children and animals will never be hurt again. I’m comforted, knowing that the things of this earth are only temporary. We can endure bad things knowing that they will end.

The following spring we went to visit Daddy’s parents. I can’t remember meeting my grandparents before then. Grandpa paced around the house talking loudly. He repulsed me, but I was drawn to my plump little grandma who was soft spoken and kindly. When she hugged me tight I felt all warm inside. I noticed how much taller and slimmer my mother was as she stood next to her. After Grandma hugged me, she scurried around her kitchen fixing a good supper for us on an old-fashioned wood cook stove! Marvelous smells came from something in a kettle that she kept stirring. Grandma said it was chocolate pudding but Mother had never made that, so I didn’t know what it would taste like. I hoped we would eat soon so I could try it.

Finally we all sat around Grandma’s cozy kitchen table and talked a long time while we ate our stew and cornbread. I wished the grownups would hurry up and finish eating those things so I could taste the pudding, but Grandpa was talking to Daddy about selling his place to us. They just kept on talking and it seemed as if they would never get around to the pudding. Finally Grandma thought to dish it up. It was the most delicious thing ever made, tastier than anything Mother served.

Before long Daddy found a buyer for our pretty home, and Mother began packing everything into boxes for our move. Then he built side racks for his logging truck, and loaded up our furniture along with all those boxes. My tricycle was perched on the very top. I was afraid that it might fall off and be ruined, but then I watched him tying everything down very carefully. I noted that several times the ropes went around my trike. Daddy was strong, and he was thorough in his work, so I felt somewhat relieved.

We girls were going to ride with Mother in the car to our new home, but she had to load as many things as possible into the car with us. She made us sit in the car while she piled things all around us, and last of all she put our big yellow kitty into the car and quickly shut the door before he had time to jump out. I could scarcely wiggle things were crammed in around me so tightly, but the kitty curled up on my lap with some other things and purred! I felt special that he had chosen to be with me, and it didn’t seem quite so lonely to leave our home behind with him there. He never got to come into our house, so it was lovely holding him in the car. Most everything about the move was a little scary and exciting all at once, so the drive to the new place seemed to take forever.

Chapter Three

At Grandpa’s Place

My big sisters and I raced around the yard exploring our new place. Grandpa and Grandma had farmed this property for a long time, so there were several aging outbuildings and even a great old barn! We climbed the wooden ladder nailed to the framing posts, and discovered the loft full of nice soft hay in which to play. I tensed when we noticed that a few boards were missing here and there. Fearing I might drop to the floor below, I watched my steps more closely. Tivona saw a rope hanging from the rafters and grabbed it; she swung out over the pile of hay and let go, squealing as she landed in the hay. I jumped up and down clapping my hands in excitement. While part of me really wanted to try swinging out like that, the other part of me was relieved when Alayne said that I was too small to swing that way.

My sister Tivona was a tomboy who loved to play in the mud, and sometimes I enjoyed playing with her. One day we had a bang-up time getting real muddy while catching tadpoles in the pond. A bit later we innocently wandered into the house. When Mother saw us covered in mud she insisted, You girls get into the tub at once! You’re going to get muck all over the house, and I’ve barely finished mopping the floors!

Tivona filled the claw-foot tub with hot water and bubbly-soap, and then we climbed in. Soon we discovered it was great fun to stand on the back of the tub and slide down into the soapy water. I don’t know why our howls of laughter didn’t advert Mother’s attention to what was going on, but we were having a grand time making the worst mess conceivable. Suddenly Tivona fell from the top of the tub, and before I could blink, she hit her mouth on its edge breaking off her front tooth. Sadly, Tivona had to live for years with a gaping hole in her smile—adding more fuel to Daddy’s hot rejection of her.

Sometimes