The Punchline Is Too Long: Over 450 Classic Jokes and Stories

By Jeffrey Reid Baker

If You Like To Laugh,â ©This Book Is For You!
You'll crack up when you find out what happens to:
... the woman who bought the parrot with bad manners."â ©
... the burglar at work who keeps hearing, "Jesus is watching."â ©
... the little old lady who forgot her lifelong friend's name."â ©
... the elderly gentleman who asked the pharmacist for Viagra."â ©
... the 3 guys who had to think to enter heaven on Christmas day."
... Sol and Abe considering the Church offering $1000 to convert."â ©... the cowboy and biker on death row expressing their last wishes." â ©... Bill Gates being given a little cottage in Heaven."â ©
... the moth who went into a podiatrist's office."â ©
... the drunk when he felt the other drunks bald head."â ©
... the guy hanging from a tree root down the shaft of a well."

The author sifted through thousands of the â ©most classic jokes ever toldâ © and edited them down to the absolute â ©BEST OF THE BEST

MAKES A GREAT GIFT!

• Language: English
• Publisher: eBookIt.com
• Release date: Nov 8, 2019
• ISBN: 9781456633998

Book preview

The Punchline …

... Is Too Long

Over 450 of the Funniest Jokes and Stories Ever Told

e  e  e

Collected and Edited by

Jeffrey Reid Baker

Jerbil Books Huntington, NY

Copyright 2019 Jeffrey Reid Baker,

All rights reserved.

Published in eBook format by Jerbil Books

Converted by http://www.eBookIt.com

ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-3399-8

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

www.jerbilbooks.com

To all those people

who told me I was funny.

Especially after I said something.



A number of years ago, I found this sketch on a post-it in my studio. Someone had quickly scribbled it while I was preoccupied. Later the next week, I found out it was one of my students - Cristina. I loved it so much I scanned it, cleaned it up with Photoshop, enlarged it and put it in a frame on the wall. I told Christina that it captured the entire mood of my studio and perhaps of my entire life. It has been in my studio for years now. Many of us will be able to relate because you really can’t tell whether he’s laughing or crying. It’s a constant reminder of that fine line. I thought I would use the opportunity of this book to share it with a larger audience. I often think of this laughing man.

PREFACE

Q: How come there are no jokes about the Jonestown tragedy? A: The punchline is too long!

There are classics. Guernica by Picasso. The 5th Symphony by Beethoven. Star Wars by George Lucas. The story of Luigi and Virginia going on their honeymoon. WAIT! Who the hell are Luigi and Virginia?, you ask. They are the two main characters in one of the funniest stories ever told and it is in this book.

Great jokes are wonderful yet anonymous, stories spread by word-of-mouth alone. They come. But then they go! That’s when I decided to do something.

About 25 years ago, I started saving stories I thought were funny enough to tell and retell when a situation seemed right.

Recently, I looked through roughly 2000 of these stories and edited them down to what I thought were the best 500 for a book. The ones that, frankly, got the biggest laughs again and again.

I compiled and edited this book for people who (A) like telling stories and for people who (B) like hearing stories. As a storyteller I have found that people become curious when you start a good story.

They say laughter is the best medicine. I hope this book lives up to that claim. Put it in a busy place. It will get opened often.

Believe me.

Jeffrey Reid Baker

Huntington, NY

October 2019

BTW: My favorite story is this one-liner from Henny Youngman;

A guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, Hey, Doc! I can’t seem to get along with anybody. Do you think you can help me you big fat slob?"

CONTENTS

PREFACE

ADVICE

AGE

ALIENS

ANATOMY

BABIES

BAR STORIES

(THE) BLIND

CATS & DOGS

CHRISTMAS

COWS

DEATH

DENTISTS

DETECTIVES

DOCTORS

DRUNKS

ELEPHANTS

GENIES

GOLF

INSULTS

JEWISH-ALPS (VAUDEVILLE)

JEWISH

JOBS

KIDS

LAWYERS

LGBT

LIFESTYLE

LITTLE JOHNNY

MEN MEETING WOMEN

MARRIAGE

MEDICAL

MEN

MONEY

MIDEAST

PARROTS

PHILOSOPHY

PIGS

PUN

QUICK THINKING

REDNECK

RELIGION

REVENGE

S. E . X.

SAFETY

SHOPPING

SICK!

SILLY SHORTS

SPORTS

STEREOTYPE VARIEGATED

TAXES

THE ENGLISH

TRAVEL

STAR TREK

WEIGHT

WOMEN

LATE ARRIVALS VARIEGATED

THE END

ADVICE

A married couple moves into a new apartment and decides to re-paper the dining room. They call on a neighbor who they heard had a dining room the same size as theirs.

They ask him, How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy when you papered your dining room?

Seven, he says.

So they buy seven roles of expensive paper and start papering.

However, when they get to the end of the fourth role, the dining room is finished. Confused, they go back to the neighbor and say, We followed your advice, but we ended up with three extra roles.

He says, Oh … Did that happen to you too?

AGE

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, ‘How many of you have forgiven your enemies?’ All responded except one small elderly lady.

Mrs. Neely? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? I don’t have any, She replied, smiling sweetly.

Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you? Ninety-eight, she replied.

The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.

Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said, I outlived the f*ckers.

e  e  e

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes, and that cute girl in Social Studies lives on the same street and they might see her.

Ten years later, the group of now 25 year old guys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the beer was cheap, the bar had free snacks, the house band was good, there was no cover charge and there were lot of cute girls.

Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was decided they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the booze was good, it was near their gym and, if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be any whiny little kids.

Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the martinis were big and the waitresses wore tight pants.

Ten years later, now 55 years old, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the prices were reasonable, they have a nice wine list and fish is good for your cholesterol.

Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the lighting was good and they have an early bird discount special.

Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because the food was not too spicy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.

Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they had never been there before.

e  e  e

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder! So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat, and three in the back-wide eyed, and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

Ma’am, the officer replies, you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...twenty two miles an hour! the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 was the route number-not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

Before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask-is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time, the officer asks.

Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119

e  e  e

Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby. You know, says Sadie, I’ve been reading this ’Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that’s all they talk about. Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm?

No, says Ester, I think we had Allstate.

e  e  e

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, Windy, isn’t it? Second one says, No, it’s Thursday!

Third one says, So am I, let’s go get a beer.

e  e  e

A man was telling his neighbor, I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.

Really, answered the neighbor. What kind is it? The man looks at his watch and says, ... three thirty.

e  e  e

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split with whipped cream and a cherry.

The waitress asked kindly, Crushed nuts? No, he replied, Hemorrhoids!

e  e  e

An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple’s house. After the meal, the husbands retired to the smoking room for cigars and brandy. As the two elderly gents were talking, one says: Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant. A great restaurant! You should go there.

The other man says: What’s the name of the restaurant?

The first man thinks long and hard I’ll think of it.............It’s near Main Street ... I know the name ... it’s .... uh ... uh .... Wait! ... I got it ..... what’s the name of that flower? .... the one that’s red.............it has thorns.

His friend says: Oh!............You mean a rose?

Yeh. That’s it! Rose! Turning to the kitchen he yells, Hey Rose!! What’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

e  e  e

In certain parts of St. Petersburg, Florida, if everyone happens to me smiling at the same time, it’s automatically declared Halloween.

e  e  e

There are three ages of man: youth, middle age, and Gee, you look good.

e  e  e

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to playing cards a few times a week. One day when playing cards, one looked at the other and said, Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends a long time, but I just can’t think of your name. I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please remind me what your name is.

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared. Finally she said, How soon do you need to know?

e  e  e

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?

George replied, God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he’s fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I’m done *poof* the light goes off.

Wow! commented Dr. Smith, That’s incredible!

A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George’s wife. Ethel, he said, George is doing fine. Physically he’s great. But, I had to call because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that when he gets up during the night to pee - *poof* the light goes on - and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?

Ethel screamed, Oh, my God! He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!

e  e  e

An old woman went into a store and asked the clerk in a shaky voice, Do you know what a d-dildo is? The clerk said, Yes.

In a shaky voice she asked, Do you s-ell them?

Why yes the clerk answered.

In a shakier voice she asked, Do y-you know how t-to use them? I guess so said the clerk.

The old woman, trembling asked, Do y-you know how to t-t-turn them off?

e  e  e

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench seat one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops in at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady behind the counter asked if he needed any help. He says, Yes. Do you have any Italian bread?

She says, Sure, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some? He says, Yes, I want 5 loaves.

She says, "My goodness, 5 loaves. You know, by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it could get hard.’

He says, Why is it everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me!!

e  e  e

One dark night in the