Through Tear-Filled Eyes

By Paula Owston

When my parents were fighting the same lung cancer at the same time in 2009, my world suddenly turned upside down. I had reached a point where I did not care about anything. I believed the Lord had abandoned me in my darkness. I was ready to toss the towel in on everything and walk away. I had no idea how to regain my faith or if I wanted to find it. Through Tear-Filled Eyes is my story.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jan 4, 2013
• ISBN: 9781449777456

Paula Owston

Paula Owston is a native of Mississippi, where she and her husband currently reside. In 2010, she began writing Through Tear-Filled Eyes as part of her healing process and growth in her relationship with God. She soon felt a need to share her story. Her hope is that Through Tear-Filled Eyes will help someone else who may be in a similar situation. She is currently working on her second book.

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Copyright © 2012 Paula Owston

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

ISBN: 978-1-4497-7744-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-7745-6 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4497-7855-2 (hc)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012922296

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Line Editing by Paul Thayer

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, New International Version®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 Biblica. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.

WestBow Press rev. date: 12/3/2012

To my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, whose unfailing love, grace and mercy only scratch the surface of what he has done for me. It was during my test and trials when I came to realize how deeply he loves me. Heavenly Father with all my heart - I love you.

To mom even though you are still battling cancer, your strength and outlook on life have kept us all going during the hard times. Your faith has been a comfort to me as you turn to the Lord to walk you through your own personal struggles. I love you and thank you for the sacrifices you made for me through the years. The little things you have done for me have not gone unnoticed.

In loving memory of my father

Charles H. Neal

August 22, 1933 – March 9, 2010

CONTENTS

Introduction

Chapter 1   Shocking News

Chapter 2   Trying to Cope

Chapter 3   Losing Faith

Chapter 4   Darkness Sets In

Chapter 5   Spiritually Broken

Chapter 6   Seeking God in the Darkness

Chapter 7   Ongoing Struggles

Chapter 8   Finding Faith

Chapter 9   A New Beginning

Poem   My Heart

Introduction

I was about ten years old when I asked my mom why no one named their child Jesus. She simply explained, Because there is only one Jesus, and he is sitting next to God in heaven, Jesus is God’s only son.

I didn’t grow up in the church. What little I knew about God came from Bible stories my mom told me and my siblings. I never fully understood who Jesus was during this time in my life or why he is so important in the grand scheme of things.

When my sister, Lauren, and I were in our early teens, we began talking about going to church. Our class mates at school would mention activities they did in their churches and our curiosity little by little grew. One summer we decided to tell our mom we wanted to attend the local Baptist church the upcoming Sunday.

She smiled and said All right. She then turned gazing at me, You know you will have to wear a skirt or dress, don’t you? Shorts and jeans are not something you can wear to church on Sunday.

Yes, I know. I sighed. I guess I’ll have to borrow one of hers, I responded in a dreadful tone as I pointed to Lauren.

Growing up, a skirt or dress would be the last thing anyone expected to see me wear. I remain a tomboy and still have very little interest in anything girly. I enjoyed playing baseball and football with my older brothers and their friends in our backyard, when they let me. More often than not it would be due to the fact they were a player short.

I was about thirteen when my sister and I started attending church. We soon attended regularly, made new friends, and became active in the youth group. Church became a lot of fun for us and we were zealous about going. We learned more about who Jesus is and we were able to comprehend the Bible stories better.

I believed more in the Bible as time went by and I understood my Sunday school lessons better. Eventually, I realized that I needed to know God on a personal level. I grasped what it means to be separated from God and have faith in him. We are all sinners. Accepting Jesus Christ as God’s son and asking him to forgive us is the only way we have eternal life with God in heaven.

In July 1986 during a church revival service, I asked Jesus for forgiveness and acknowledged him as my Lord and Savior by asking him to save me. I felt a peace inside me nothing like I have ever experienced before.

A spiritual hunger developed in me to learn more about the Lord. My youth leaders, pastor, and youth minister continued to guide me and show me why, as a child of God, we need to study his Word, talk to him regularly through prayer and be obedient to him. The youth retreats, trips, and activities we experienced as a group taught me even more how to grow in my walk with Christ and the importance of keeping Christian friends in my life. My relationship with my Lord grew.

In the fall of 1989 Jordan Kane, our youth and music minister for the past three years announced his resignation. It was not easy for me to hear. His ministry and friendship made an impact on my life. Jordan’s love for the Lord and zest for life touched anyone who knew him. He showed concern for his youth group and was always close by if we needed him. He was an important person to me in my early Christian life. His guidance and support have always meant a lot. Jordon’s last Sunday fell on the church’s homecoming celebration, and he left the following day.

I made an effort to stay in touch with him over the next several years, and I visited him when I could. Eventually, life became busy, and over the next few years we gradually lost touch.

I began working full-time for a printing company close to home in 1995, when I was about twenty-six years old. I worked the graveyard shift. Since I had given up on dating months ago the night hours were not an issue for me. I was content with remaining single and found no one in the area whom I felt was worth my time. I had expressed in a prayer to the Lord about five months ago that if part of his plan for me was marriage, then