Communication A.D.D.: A Biblical Perspective for Effective Communication

By Dr. Angelina DaSilva

With the hundreds of ways to communicate in the modern world, it seems ironic that people are failing to adequately hear each other. Conflict, strife, and discouragement in relationships are the results of a fundamental breakdown of communication professionally and personally. In Communication A.D.D.: A Biblical Perspective for Effective Communication, Dr. Angelina DaSilva teaches you an easy way to implement techniques that greatly increase your ability to communicate with positive results. In this book based on Biblical principles, Dr. DaSilva challenges you to listen before you speak, to speak with the other persons feelings in mind, and to respond rather than react. By implementing three simple steps, communication becomes easy, effective, and non-threatening, thereby strengthening marital and parental relationships, fostering better work environments, and developing an overall sense of peace and satisfaction in all areas of life. This book will not only benefit you on an emotional level, but it will work to increase your faith by teaching you the ultimate plan for your life through Gods Word. It is an inspirational guidebook designed to help you navigate the rough and often confusing waters of malfunctioning communication so that you can avoid the fallout that dysfunctional communication patterns create. By using the Communication A.D.D. techniques, you will become a better spouse, a better parent, and a better worker simply because youve learned how to communicate on a higher level.

• Language: English
• Publisher: WestBow Press
• Release date: Jan 15, 2015
• ISBN: 9781490863757

Dr. Angelina DaSilva

Dr. Angelina DaSilva is the owner of Christ Centered Family Counseling, LLC. She is a speaker, counselor, life coach and educator. She and her husband have three children. It is her passion to share Christ’s love with others through all the forums in which she is involved.

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Copyright © 2015 Angelina R. DaSilva.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. All rights reserved worldwide. Used by permission. NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION® and NIV® are registered trademarks of Biblica, Inc. Use of either trademark for the offering of goods or services requires the prior written consent of Biblica US, Inc.

All names of persons and certain details of case histories described in this book have been changed to protect the author’s clients. Also, in certain cases, composite case histories have been constructed from actual cases.

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ISBN: 978-1-4908-6376-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-6377-1 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-4908-6375-7 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2014922333

WestBow Press rev. date: 1/15/2015

CONTENTS

Chapter 1   Communication Babble

Chapter 2   Communication Meltdown

Chapter 3   Communication And Temperament Recognition

Chapter 4   Communication Implementation

Chapter 5   Communication A: Acknowledge

Chapter 6   Communication D: Disarm

Chapter 7   Communication D: Defuse

Chapter 8   Communication Add And Temperaments

Chapter 9   Communication Wrap-Up

DEDICATION

First and foremost to the Lord Jesus Christ for being my rock and my foundation – I am the person I am because of the Lord in my life.

To my husband, Marcelo, who encouraged me and put up with me as I wrote and rewrote this book – You will never know how very much I love, appreciate, and thank you for never giving up on me! You bless me everyday by simply being you. It is an honor and a privilege being your wife, and I look forward to our continued journey together. I love you!

To my parents, Leo and Carolyn Natale, who raised me in a Godly home, teaching me from a very young age the grace, mercy and love of God – Dad, your example to me has been more influential than you may ever realize. I am so very deeply humbled by your life and your dedication to Christ. Your example helped root in me the passion I have for people and counseling and for that I am ever thankful. Mom, you are my best friend, my mentor, and my safe place. Thank you for being the kind of woman I will forever aspire to be. I love you both.

To my children, Matthew, Luke and Caroline, who are the gems of my heart – I cannot begin to express the love I have for each of you, and my life will forever be blessed simply because you are in it. I want to thank you for letting me practice this communication technique on you! I know it has made me a better mother to all of you, and I pray that you have learned through it all how to talk to each other and understand people in a way that I did not know when I was your age. I love you all so very much!

INTRODUCTION

It was just after September 11, 2001, when my personal world began to fall apart. While the nation was reeling from the terror attacks, my husband was sinking into a deeper and deeper depression triggered by those attacks. Meanwhile, I was dealing with being the mother of two boys, aged one and two at the time. We had just moved into a new home, and life should have been superb. I had, after all, achieved my dream. I was a wife and mother blessed to be home with her kids. I had a beautiful new home, a husband who provided well, and a family that just seemed perfect. What could go wrong?

It took the downing of iconic buildings and the unraveling of our national security to serve as a wake-up call for my life. While things appeared good on the surface, a deeper examination of my world would eventually reveal cracks that could have ultimately led to the demise of my family. Shortly after 9/11, my husband began to withdraw. He became distant and depressed, and no matter how hard I tried, I simply could not penetrate that exterior. To be honest, I believe I was more bitter than sympathetic. I was bitter that he had the time to be depressed. I was bitter that he seemingly gave the best of himself to his job and, when he returned home, we were left with the scraps. I was bitter that he didn’t seem engaged with his young boys. I was bitter that he was so disconnected from us. I was not very good at hiding my bitterness either. We began to go about our days in a sort of fog. He went his way, and I went mine. I took care of the boys and did what I needed to do around the house while he worked longer and longer hours. We managed to appear the happy couple when we were out and about, but within the walls of our home, we were rapidly falling apart.

About a year later, we thought that perhaps what we needed was a change of scenery. Our new home had begun to feel like a prison. There were too many reminders of the terror attacks in our New Jersey town. The train station, whose platforms used to be filled with bustling commuters into the city, was now filled with pictures of missing people and makeshift memorials. Our mail was delivered to us in irradiated bags because of the anthrax scare that had come on the heels of the attacks. Every day the news would report other potential threats, ranging from another imminent attack to the dangers lurking in our water supply. My husband became convinced that we needed to move to a place where he could ensure our safety. Our brand-new house went on the market, and we began to search for a home more out of harm’s way.

By the early winter of 2003, we had sold our house and were gearing up for our move. I will never forget this moment. Our dining room chairs were lined up one in front of the other to make room for some boxes around the table. I was sitting on one of the chairs, pretending to be on a train with my boys, when my husband dropped the bombshell that he was not happy. I looked up, stunned, and waited for what was next. He went on to tell me that he thought it would be best if we weren’t married anymore. He was kind as he told me he thought I deserved better than he could offer. He was compassionate when he said he just wanted to see me happy. He was apologetic when he said he felt awful about everything. I was speechless. I knew things had been bad and that we were pretty much simply going through the motions in our marriage, but I never thought that he would want a divorce! This completely blindsided me. I pleaded with him to let us try counseling before he gave up on us. It was probably the first time I had actually spoken something meaningful to him in months. He agreed to go for at least a couple of sessions, but he was convinced it was over.

We were young and naïve. Even though I had been raised in the church and had a very strong faith, I didn’t give much thought to what kind of counselor we would see. My husband chose a counselor from our insurance network. He went to see her first for a couple of sessions since he was the one who was dealing with the depression. When it was finally my turn to join in on the sessions, I barely had time to sit before the counselor delivered this blow. She said, I think it would be best if the two of you found happiness apart.

My mouth nearly dropped to the floor. Who was this woman to tell me what I should do with my future? How dare she make this estimation having had a mere two-hour view into my life? I looked at my husband, who was busy staring at his hands. I looked back at the woman, and with all the courage I could muster, I said, With all due respect, I think we are going to seek counseling from a Christian counselor. With that, I stood up to leave. Because we still had about forty-five minutes left in our session, she and my husband convinced me to stay for the remainder of the time. While I did stay, I honestly cannot say what was said. I blocked it all out.

When the hour was finally up, I shot out of that office as quickly as I could. As we walked to our car, I urged my husband to allow us to get counseling from a Christian marriage counselor. I told him if he wanted to continue seeing this counselor on his own, then I would agree to that, but together I wanted to pursue Christian counseling. He said he would give it a try.

God is so good. We ended up meeting with a counselor who shared our convictions and who helped us see that we had allowed stress, anxiety, and things out of our control to impact our world. It took several months for us to truly rediscover each other, but we did. Our marriage survived that terrible time and has served as a testimony to others with similar struggles. And while I am most thrilled that my husband and I remain committed and dedicated to each other and our family, another wonderful by-product of that time in our lives continues to bless me.

Prior to my husband and me hitting that marital obstacle, I was studying to be a school counselor. I had just gotten my master’s in learning, cognition, and development and was preparing to move forward in my studies toward becoming a school counselor. It wasn’t until I reflected on the counsel given to us by our insurance-approved counselor telling us to divorce that I realized that there was a need for counselors whose convictions were faith based and lined up with the Word of God. It became apparent to me that if I, a Christian woman whose faith was paramount in her life, had these struggles, then many others were out there looking for guidance in all the wrong places. I promptly changed my direction and went on to receive my PhD in clinical Christian counseling. Later I would become a Certified Christian Life Coach, specializing in health and wellness and women’s issues.

Since then, I have been blessed with the opportunity to work with many families and individuals desiring to achieve balance in their lives—physically, spiritually, and emotionally. That has been my passion from the beginning, and this book is the next manifestation of that desire.

Through counseling and coaching so many people throughout the years, I began to see a pattern emerge. The issues with which most of these people came to me were mere symptoms of a greater problem. Marital infidelity, anxiety, stress, anger, and the inability to forgive all have their roots in a breakdown of communication. I saw this in those I counseled and then, upon doing some self-reflection, realized that I too failed at communicating adequately with my husband at times. What was missing? Why was communication so difficult for people?

From that, I began to truly observe what was happening in people’s relationships. I recognized the need to be right as a common thread in many of the relationships in my office. People wanted so desperately to prove their rightness that they stopped listening to what others were saying. I began to process this and turned to the Word of God for some guidance. What became very clear was that people were putting their needs in front of the needs of those they loved. This went squarely against what Philippians 2:3–4 says: Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. What would happen if we really began to listen to each other and meet the needs of the other person rather than putting our own agendas first? What would that kind of marriage look like? What would our work lives be like? How would our children’s lives be impacted?

I came up with what would later be called Communication ADD and started implementing this technique into my practice. At first I received a bit of backlash from individuals who would question why they had to be the ones giving in all the time. I encouraged them to give it a try and see what happened. Begrudgingly, they did. To everyone’s surprise, once one person started the ADD technique, it became inevitable that the other person followed suit. It is only natural to want to meet other people’s needs when one’s own needs are being met. The process is reciprocal and extremely effective.

Because of the success I had with this in my office, I began to do lectures and workshops on the technique. I gave handouts to my attendees and received many e-mails telling me that those handouts stay tucked inside their purses. One woman told me she had it hanging on her refrigerator as a reminder so that she can communicate well with her husband. I was blessed and a little blown away by this adulation, so I ultimately decided to take this message to a broader audience; hence, this book.

When I look back on what brought me to where I am today, I realize that my marriage unraveling was deeply rooted in a communication breakdown with my husband. I was not communicating well at all with him. I allowed resentment and bitterness to become my communication language, and because of that, we nearly lost everything. However, I am also deeply grateful that he and I experienced those tumultuous times, because it was through them that I gained the insight into where my passion lies. My heart’s desire is to bring this message to the world,