When Faith Wavers: Learning to Lean on God

By Jenna McCreary

Going from being angry at God to falling on my knees to repent for years of misdirected anger, dealing with a head injury that caused me to have to learn how to read again, to countless injuries, a near-death experience to becoming the biggest hypocrite of them all...what do all of these things have in common? God brought me through all of these issues. When the enemy attacks, we need to cling to God, not run away from him.

I was saved at the very young age of nine. I truly did not understand what this meant at that time. I would learn as I grew up, and I would consider the church that I attended on my own (my family wanted nothing to do with church at that point in time) as my refuge. It was my happy place. I loved being involved with church.

Years later, I would go through something that made me angry at God, and that anger lasted far too long. Thankfully, a friend of mine would recommend something that would make me realize that my anger was misdirected. At that moment, I knew what I had to do. I had to pray and repent.

A few years after this, my marriage looked as though it was too broken to save until God stepped in and did what I thought was impossible. He saved my marriage. He brought my husband and I back together, made us stronger, and we renewed our vows.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Mar 15, 2023
• ISBN: 9781638740117

Book preview

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When Faith Wavers

Learning to Lean on God

Jenna McCreary

ISBN 978-1-63874-010-0 (paperback)

ISBN 978-1-63874-011-7 (digital)

Copyright © 2023 by Jenna McCreary

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Acknowledgments

Introduction

Me

A Little about Me

My Family Life

Early Adult Years

Wavering Faith

When a Friend Dies

Understanding My Anger

Being Redeemed

Attacked by the Enemy

When Your Life Gets Flipped Upside Down

A New Beginning: A Course Correction

Life and Death, Good versus Evil

The Physical Issues

Important People in My Life

Carman

The Hypocritical Me

Being a Hypocrite

Bonus Chapter Chapter 14

Bonus Chapter: My Kids

References

About the Author

To my amazing Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. Without him, this book would have been impossible.

Also, this is dedicated to my wonderful, awesome family. This includes my best friend, Casey Grimm. For the amazing encouragement and support!

In loving memory of Carman Licciardello. Rest in heaven, no more suffering.

Acknowledgments

The Lord gave me the inspiration to write this book. I am so very thankful that I obeyed. This has been an amazing season in my life. A very therapeutic process for me. God is good!

Thank you to Doug for the unending support and encouragement that you have given me during this process. Thank you for letting me have the time to get this book finished. I am so very blessed to have such an amazing spouse that believes in me no matter what I do.

My boys, Brandon, Joshua, Jacob, Christian, and Sebastian, have given me so much encouragement by telling me how proud that they are of me. Their excitement about me writing it has been so very humbling. They do not even realize that they have helped me with this process so very much. I am beyond blessed to have five of the most amazing children.

Thank you to Casey Grimm. The support that you have shown me has been incredible. You are an awesome friend. I will forever be thankful to God for bringing us together to become such wonderful friends. You have been an inspiration to me.

Introduction

We are living in a time that is so uncertain. A country that is so divided, that it is easy to lose sight of why we are here. We turn to self-pity, depression, and things of the world to try and find happiness. We turn against one another, tired of people that disagree with us. These are the times that we forget about God.

This world can become so depressing, especially when we are going through battle after battle with the enemy. These are the times that we need to learn to lean on God. God will never leave us. There comes a time in our lives that we need to look in the mirror. A time for self-reflection. It is during this time that we remember where we should be putting our faith. That is in God, not people. Sometimes we forget this. It is a personal awakening, a time for repentance and growing closer to God. This encompasses the last part of this book. It is about my great awakening.

In this book, you will also read about times that things that I went through that might make you wonder if my faith wavered, but I trusted in God more during these times. However, you will see a time that I was angry at God. You will see what brought me out of that anger at that time. This time was not the proudest time of my life. However, I feel it is important to share with you, the reader.

This book was written to hopefully make you realize that you are not alone. There is no one out there that is perfect. If Christians stop doing what we should be doing, then we become hypocrites. There are ways to find out what to do to correct the mistakes that we have made.

God's grace is amazing. His mercy is never-ending. We need to turn to him and keep him at the center of our lives. It is not difficult to do this, prayer and reading the scriptures. These are two integral things to do to keep God at forefront of our lives. It is so easy to get lost in the world that we need to make sure we do not let this happen to us.

I want this book to encourage you, lift you up, and inspire you. I want you to know that our Father is always there for us. We just need to trust him.

Jenna

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. (Deuteronomy 31:6 NIV)

Part 1

Me

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

—Proverbs 3:5–6 NIV

Chapter 1

A Little about Me

The Lord has done so many amazing things in my life. I pray that you find this book to be an inspiration to you. I want this to be a blessing in your life. To know that Jesus is always there.

I thought it would be best if I give you a little background information about me. This includes how my journey as a Christian was started.

I grew up in a very nonreligious family. My mom never wanted to push church or religion on us because as a kid, it was forced on her. She has been forced to go to a Catholic school, and she hated it. My dad grew up in a Mormon family and attended the Mormon Church. He was not keen on religion either. He had zero interest in pushing Mormonism on us growing up. (I will be forever thankful for that.)

My parents had three kids. I have an older sister and an older brother. I am the baby of the family. Out of all three of us, I was the only one to get involved with a church as a kid. I know this sounds very odd. I will divulge into my family a bit later.

My Christian walk started during a very boring summer vacation for me. It was the summer of 1991. I was nine years old at that time. My dad came home from work; it was in the middle of July. He mentioned to me that a church that was two blocks away from our house had a sign up that was advertising Vacation Bible School (VBS). He knew how bored I had been and asked me if I would be interested in signing up. I jumped at the chance to finally have something to do. Even if it was only a weeklong, it was still something to do. Who knew that attending VBS would forever change my life?

I had an awesome VBS teacher. In a weeks' time, she taught me so much about Jesus that I had never known. Prior to attending VBS, all I knew about Jesus was that he is the reason that we celebrate Christmas and Easter. Being raised in a very nonreligious family; Christmas was about Santa and presents, while Easter was about candy and more presents.

The week of VBS ended with a closing program on Friday night that our family was invited to attend. During this time, our parents would get the chance to see what we did throughout the week. We would also sing for our parents, and then the night ended with a carnival.

At the end of the week, I had so many questions about Jesus. My interest was piqued. I had never known that Jesus died for our sins. I was very interested in knowing more about Jesus. I would get this chance at the closing program on Friday night.

My mom wanted nothing to do with it because it was at church. Anyway, during a short meeting with our teacher, she asked us kids if any of us wanted to know more about Jesus. I took the opportunity and raised my hand. Back then, I could not explain to you the feeling that I had. Now I can tell you that I felt God inviting me to be part of his family. It was an overwhelming feeling for nine-year-old me, but I knew that I could not ignore it. I threw my hand up in the air. After the meeting, I stayed behind, and my teacher prayed with me. It was during this prayer that I invited Jesus into my heart and my life. I felt so happy. I was excited to be saved. Granted, at that age, I really knew nothing about what that meant. However, it came to be the best decision that I ever made in my life. It took me until around the age of twelve to really start to understand and embrace being a Christian.

Being nine years old, I was not sure where I was supposed to go from that point of letting Jesus into my heart. I did not join a church just yet. I did, however, return to VBS at that same church in 1992 when I was ten years old. I had another amazing teacher. I enjoyed the week and learned so much more about Jesus. I was sad though, that was to be my last year attending VBS. The next summer, I would be too old to attend.

I decided to volunteer to help with VBS the next summer. In 1992, when the week ended, I found the director of the program and signed up to help the following summer. I really enjoyed being at that church. I loved learning about Jesus. I was happy.

This is how I finally ended up going to and joining that church. I had been invited to the church by the mom of one of the girls in the class that I had been helping with one summer. This little girl clung to me the entire week because she was the only girl in the class of five-year-olds. I met her mom at the closing program that week. We got to talking and came to realize that our families had known each other. She then invited me to a Sunday church service. Currently, I was twelve years old. I took her up on that invitation. I fell in love with the church, church services, and the people that attended the church. I was in a place where I finally felt like I belonged, and I was accepted. I ended up becoming a regular attendee at the church. Then I became a member at that church.

I had thrown myself into the church by the age of fourteen. I started to get more involved with helping with teaching Sunday school. I fit in better with the younger kids. I felt very awkward around the kids that were my age.

When I was fourteen years old, my life was going to school and going to church. When I was home, I was reading the Bible, watching Christian programs, and listening to Christian music. I also would spend time with the kids in the neighborhood doing Bible studies. I had many reasons for getting so involved with church. The main reason, however, was that church felt like my home. It was my refuge, my safe place. Church became the place that I was the happiest at.

This brings me to the most uncomfortable part of this book to write about. My family life. This is a very important aspect of my life for you to understand. This will also be the part of this book that might anger those who think they knew my parents so well. It is different knowing someone as a friend than it is growing up with that person and living with that person every day. The next chapter of my life is going to be raw and, at times, difficult to write about, but it is a vital aspect of my story and how good God has been to me.

People ask me how I know God exists. I know because I have felt his arms wrap around me in times of need. I know because I have seen him there working in my life, taking the bad things, and using them for his good. I have felt his amazing grace and mercy in every aspect of my life! He has never left me in my times of need.

Whoever believes in me, as scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them. (John 7:38 NIV)

Chapter 2

My Family Life

Growing up can be very difficult. It gets especially difficult when you are the black sheep of the family. Even more so when you feel like nothing you do is good enough, no matter how hard you try, you just do not measure up. You also feel like you never will measure up to the expectations that have been put on you. You start to feel worthless. This is compounded when one of your parents tell you that you are basically worthless.

Looking back on my childhood, I often wonder what I did to make my mom dislike me so much. I can remember at six years old on up being called very derogatory names by Mom. I was also told many times that I was worthless and would never make anything of myself. Words that would kill any self-esteem you may have had. Things that take your self-confidence away from you.

My older siblings (brother and sister) seemed to be the superstars of the family. They were the ones that I would always be compared to by my mom. She would constantly ask me, Why can't you be more like your brother and sister? Or, Well, if you were more like your brother and sister. They were straight-A students. I was not. No matter how hard I tried, I was the straight B-plus, A-minus student, with an occasional C thrown into the mix. I was not the perfect student or child. My parents would never believe me when I told them that if I studied for a test, I would fail it. It was true though. The less I studied, the better grade I would get. My grades were not for lack of trying either. I truly did the best that I could, but it was never enough. I was not perfect.

When I was in middle school, I made the commendable achievement list and the honor roll. I was inducted into the honor society, but that was never enough either.

There was one thing that has always bothered me. My mom was there for all the ceremonies that my brother and sister had. She never once came to anything for me. She would always happen to get sick when I had any kind of ceremony. I could understand her getting sick for one or two, but for everything that I had? This was a hard pill for me to swallow. I had felt like I was not worth the time or the effort. It was always just my dad that attended anything for me. There was one award ceremony that I was getting an award for the community service that I had done. My mom told me straight up, It's not for an academic award, so it means nothing. We are not going to the ceremony for a community service award. I was heartbroken. That statement let me truly know how ashamed she was of me.

My parents did nothing but fight twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. There was zero harmony in the house. There was always tension. Mom knew how to hold a grudge and drag fights on for days. You also knew better than to go against anything that Mom said. My brother, sister, and I would often wonder and talk about why they did not just get a divorce. During the fights, Dad would end up throwing the phone into the wall and breaking it, while Mom would just yell at my dad and call him names. A husband should never be made to feel that his wife does not love him if she forgets to call him a certain bad name daily. The house was always a stressful environment.

My mom was not a happy person. This would be the reason that we all reached the point to just agree with her. This way, she would not get angry and lose her mind. Even if it meant throwing another family member under the bus for something. Mom had a knack for telling anyone who would listen to her just what a horrible family that she had. Do not get me wrong here, I was not a perfect child by any means. I made mistakes; I talked back to Mom at times. She would take whatever I did wrong and exaggerate it.

I had no idea what unconditional love was until I had my