Fond of a Double Entendre . . . Obviously

By Cormac G. McDermott

Laughs abound on every page as author Cormac G. McDermott presents this collection of jokes and double entendres with wit and verve. He builds jokes around small nuggets of information, culminating in punch lines that shock, amaze, and tickle the funny bone.

From sports to music, from food to the business world, no subject is off limits. Youll never look at the English language the same way again.

A friend said to me, I love Mars bars. I quipped, Public houses on the Red Planet are Mars bars also, but if you and your mates were to consume a bar or two of chocolate, it probably wouldnt lead to you ending up getting involved in a sing-song with aliens!

It makes me laugh when I hear people describing something easy as being like stealing candy from a baby. If you were to try take one of those hash lollipops they sell in Amsterdam away from Biffa Bacons Rastafarian six-month-old, it might be a totally different proposition altogether!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Aug 29, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466946606

Cormac G. McDermott

Cormac G. McDermott is a comic genius. I attained an honours Bachelor of Arts degree in economics during 1994 and then a Master’s degree in economic science a year later at University College, Dublin. Between 1996 and 2002, I worked in insurance, banking and asset management. I have been writing comedy for over a decade. Some of my previously published works include ‘Look!..The Chuckle Book!’, ‘The Comical Macker’, ‘Cormo Schmormo’, ‘Skits Blitz’, ‘Scritti Is Witty’ and ‘Love A Dub Dove’. I live in Dublin, Ireland.

Book preview

Fond

Of A

Double Entendre… obviously

by Cormac G. McDermott

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© Copyright 2012 Cormac G. McDermott.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

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Trafford rev. 07/06/2012

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I’m sure you’ve all heard the one about the guy with tarmac under his armpit ordering a drink for himself and one for the road but had he ended up with brewer’s droop he may not have been able to ‘lay’ his wife but at least he’d have been able to ‘lay’ his driveway instead, ey??!!

While watching England play a friendly match in the run up to the World Cup of 2010 in South Africa the commentator said ‘they wouldn’t rest on their laurels’ . . . . I said to my dad ‘when Oliver Hardy (Lord rest him) refused to sleep in the top bunk he wouldn’t rest on his Laurels either but I suppose it wasn’t long before the England team got themselves into another fine mess also was it??’!!

They used to make beautiful rugs in Persia… . well I believe that greatly pleases the quickly balding Ali Babba… . but not only because he loves to travel in comfort but also because he likes to cover his head with these nice rugs… . he covers the top of his head with glue so his magic carpet flight schedule is not disrupted by ash coming from erupting volcanos in Iceland!!

I asked one of the lads what band was playing on the radio when he replied ‘Aerosmith’ . . . . I quipped ‘if that’s AEROsmith, SNICKERSsmith recorded ‘NUTS Off In An Elevator’!!

I asked a girl who I had sex with if she was a virgin before we made love, as she seemed to know how to do all the right things, when she replied ‘you’re the only one’ . . . . I retorted ‘if I’m the only one who has made love to you ‘fifty million French men who can’t be wrong ‘Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest’’!!

Did you ever hear the one about the frigid vegetarian?? . . . . there’s been about as much ‘meat’ in her as there is in blind Scouse for nuns made on Good Friday!!

A friend of mine said to me one day about a girl I fancied ‘don’t go near her, she’s a man eater’ . . . . I quipped ‘Hannibal Lector is a man eater also but at least she wouldn’t think I’d go well with chiante and some fava beans’!!

I was at a wake when a guy said about the corpse ‘he didn’t have a pick on him in his coffin’ . . . . I quipped ‘Leon Trotsky didn’t have a ‘pick’ on him when he lay in his coffin either but at least he got a mention in ‘No More Heroes’ by The Stranglers’!!

I was out in Leopardstown here in Dublin watching the horses when I got into a disagreement with a man… . I said ‘listen mate, I’m a mirror… . you looked into my face and saw what you didn’t like about yourself’ . . . . he retorted ‘I’m a mirror too’ . . . . I responded ‘if you’re a mirror Michael Jackson (Lord rest him) recorded ‘Man In The RACING POST’!!

I know a guy who said to me when we were kids, because his name was Rush, that Ian (the Liverpool legend) was his uncle… . I retorted ‘if Ian Rush is your uncle David McCallum starred in ‘The Man From Totally Unrelated Great Grand AUNT’!!

I’ve learned that a football referee is referred to as being ‘the man in black’ . . . . I thought to myself ‘Colin Vearncombe was ‘the man in Black’ also but at least he said ‘no need to run and hide’ instead of ‘come here you, you can have that red card’!!

A fellow Liverpool fan said to me just prior to England’s 2010 World Cup campaign that if they were to win the tournament ‘we’d never hear the end of it’ . . . . I quipped ‘we’ll never hear the end of Beethoven’s Unfinished Symphony but at least if they do win it, because Stevie G’s their captain, we might see a Red lift some silverware… . or maybe goldware in relation to Jules Rimet, ey??’!!

A friend of mine described a forty stone bloke we know as a ‘man mountain’ . . . . I quipped ‘Ben Nevis sounds like it’s a man mountain also but at least you could walk around it without feeling the need to carry a map and compass for fear of getting lost unlike with that fat fecker’!!

Another friend of mine once described me as being a raconteur… . I quipped ‘the Spanish Inquisition was a ‘rack-on-tour’ also but at least people listen to me when I talk as opposed to being tortured for speaking out’!!

I was watching a game of football when one of the goalkeepers kept dropping the ball… . one of the lads said ‘he couldn’t catch a cold’ . . . . I quipped ‘he couldn’t even catch a few zzzzz’s if he was a drunk insomniac hit over the head with a sledgehammer having over dosed on sleeping medication’!!

A vet once said to me ‘do you know we clean cats’ . . . . I humorously responded ‘when the Kilkenny hurling team shower after a game, they’re ‘clean Cats’ also but I wouldn’t say you and your colleagues are the ugliest feckers to have ever graced your profession’!!

While listening to a song called ‘Funky Town’ one of my mates asked ‘who recorded that?’ . . . . I replied ‘Lipps Inc.’ . . . . I continued ‘when I sucked on a biro without a cap I had ‘lips ink’ also but at least it didn’t prevent me from penning more than just one piece of work that was noteworthy, did it?’!!

I learned during June 2010 that Real Madrid wanted to give Raul a ‘golden handshake’ before he departed from the club… . I thought ‘CP3O with Parkinson’s disease has a golden handshake also but while he competed in the box office against ‘Battlestar Galactica’ the Spaniard competed as a star in battle for galacticos’!!

A friend of mine who’s big into horse racing told me about a great horse called ‘Man O’War’ . . . . I quipped ‘the antichrist’s pet jellyfish is a Man O’War also but at least the animal was put out to stud as opposed to the dictator who’ll have no needs at all from the opposite sex’!!

I heard a commentator say that a soccer player had given us some ‘magic moments’ . . . . I thought ‘Perry Como gave us ‘Magic Moments’ also and just like the footballer he went all the way to the final whistle, right… dih dih, dih dih dih… dih dih, dih dih dih… dih dih, dih dih dih… duh’!!

A friend of mine said to me during the summer of 2010 ‘I’ve a Honda in my driveway’ . . . . I quipped ‘the Japanese football team have a Honda in their midfield and if he continues to perform he’ll be in for a ‘Civic’ reception in his home town when he returns from South Africa after the World Cup’!!

I was talking with an ex-coach of mine from my schoolboy days when he mentioned that a club we played against were notorious for kicking the opposition off the park… . I humorously joked ‘they may have thought they were great talking about their starting XI but rarely were they ever able to talk about their ENDING XI, the dirty b*stards’!!

We continued to talk about another team of hard lads that did likewise when I quipped ‘they’d kick lumps out of a cancer-ridden leper’s sugar bowl’!!

That’s right, playing against them was a cure for cancer as they’d kick lumps out of you… . I’m telling you even if you had testicular cancer it wouldn’t be long before you had the mark of boot laces ‘cross your scrotum!!

My dad was clearing his flower bed one day during summer when he picked up what he said was a cat turd… . I said ‘no way is that from a cat dad’ . . . . now I’ve heard about the guy who invented cats eyes but if he saw the other end he’d have invented the pencil parer… . however if indeed that turd was from a cat and he saw it’s arseh*le he’d have invented the tea towel holder instead!!

One of my mates went to see a group of female strippers when another one of the lads asked if they ended up with anything on them… . I quipped ‘all they had on them were 500 pairs of bulging eyes… . and by the way the guys definitely had hard-ons on them also’!!

I was listening to Wham when one of my mates asked what song it was… . I replied ‘Edge Of Heaven’ . . . . I continued to add ‘when the lead guitarist with U2 dies he’ll be ‘The Edge Of Heaven’ also where I’m sure The Almighty will take great delight in the rift of ‘In God’s Country’!!

I asked my dad what film he was watching when he answered ‘The 39 Steps’ . . . . I quipped ‘The 39 Steps… . I thought there were only five in Steps myself… . maybe six if you include H’s hairstyle, ey??’!!

A friend said to me ‘I love Mars bars’ . . . . I quipped ‘public houses on the Red Planet are Mars bars also but if you and your mates were to consume a bar or two of chocolate it probably wouldn’t lead to you ending up getting involved in a sing song with aliens’!!

A mate of mine once described his favourite team as being a ‘mean machine’ . . . . I retorted ‘a poker game that doesn’t pay out is a ‘mean machine’ also and just like that