Look!.. the Chuckle Book!

By Cormac G. McDermott

This book is an extremely witty work in which the author sees the world he lives in from his own unique viewpoint. Allow this book to captivate you as the material is both comic and real-to-life revelation in much of the content of this outstanding masterpiece. From sport, music, life in general, and throughout the various chapters, it will be obvious to the reader that this creation is truly the work of a genius!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trafford Publishing
• Release date: Jul 23, 2012
• ISBN: 9781466947788

Cormac G. McDermott

Cormac G. McDermott is a comic genius. I attained an honours Bachelor of Arts degree in economics during 1994 and then a Master’s degree in economic science a year later at University College, Dublin. Between 1996 and 2002, I worked in insurance, banking and asset management. I have been writing comedy for over a decade. Some of my previously published works include ‘Look!..The Chuckle Book!’, ‘The Comical Macker’, ‘Cormo Schmormo’, ‘Skits Blitz’, ‘Scritti Is Witty’ and ‘Love A Dub Dove’. I live in Dublin, Ireland.

Book preview

Look!..

The Chuckle Book!

Cormac G. McDermott

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© Copyright 2012 Cormac G. McDermott.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the written prior permission of the author.

isbn: 978-1-4669-4779-5 (sc)

isbn: 978-1-4669-4778-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: xxxxxxxxxx

Trafford rev. 07/18/2012

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Contents

CHAPTER 1     STORY GLORY

CHAPTER 2     THE NAME GAME

CHAPTER 3     ARTY FARCEY

CHAPTER 4     THE GREATEST

CHAPTER 5     IT IS I WHO IS THE GREATEST!

CHAPTER 6     STREAM OF SUBCONSCIOUSNESS

CHAPTER 7     SOME BLOKE FOR A JOKE

CHAPTER 8     FOND OF A DOUBLE ENTENDRE

CHAPTER 9     A BOOK OF REVELATIONS

CHAPTER 10   SELF INDULGENCE

CHAPTER 11   REFINER’S FIRE AND FULLER’S SOAP

CHAPTER 1

STORY GLORY

One of my mates told me that after he got a bad injury while playing football he had pins and screws inserted… . I humoured him by retorting ‘were you interested in getting back playing the game or were you more intent on auditioning for the part of Frankenstein?’!!

I remember seeing a comedian some years back who commented that the greyhound he had put a bet on came out of the traps so fast it must have had an onion up his arse!! I said to myself I didn’t think greyhounds had taste buds there!! With further thought I concluded that maybe they do and the reason why they are so skinny is that if they ate they’d have to taste sh*t on its’ way out!!

I’ve seen a certain monger’s commercial vehicles here in Dublin display the slogan If it swims we have it!! Aw yeah?!! Well how about some dodo sperm, a mermaid’s boobs or a Jamaican doing the butterfly up-stream at the mouth of the Mississippi being pursued by the tax evasion unit of the K.K.K.!!

An old college buddy of mine told me there’s a bridge in Dundalk called ‘Bridge Street Bridge’!! Hold on a second!! They name the street after the bridge and then go and name the bridge after the street that was named after the bridge in the first place!! What at all is going on there!!

I heard a story about a bloke who asked this girl up during a slow set but said the next day that when he was dancing with her, because she was so fat, it was ‘just like trying to move a wardrobe’!!

A little favourite of mine is when I went to Merseyside for a weekend of football back during February 1983!! I was sitting in the Gladys Street End of Goodison Park before a 5th Round F.A. Cup tie!! Before the game the guy over the P.A. system was asked to play a request for some Evertonian who had his Swedish pen pal, Ivan Ardon, over for the game!! Needless to say the occupants of the stadium thought this was hilarious!!

I was at a party once where there was only about 15 people at it yet the place was crammed!! The usual expression is to say you couldn’t swing a cat in it!! Well I’ll tell you this apartment was so small you couldn’t even wag a Manx kitten in the kip!!

There’s a fictitious family called the Behan’s!! Now this woman had so many children her uterus would put the collective production lines of Microsoft to shame!! ‘Bless-ed be the orchardness of her womb, Foetus’!! A family of Behans?!! You must be joking!! A f*cking tin of Behans more like it!! There’s the guy who does the marathon whom they call ‘Runner’!! There’s another fella who eats nothing but ‘Chilli con Carne’ whom they call ‘Kidney’!! There’s the nipper who was born in Manila whom they named ‘Phillip’!! Lastly there’s the ‘fister sister’ who is called ‘Les’!!

I was hanging around a street corner as a teenager when one of the lads came along and said ‘Hey fellas, did you hear that Cabbage’s girlfriend had a baby?’!! I thought to myself ‘I wonder if it’s a boy or girl Brussel Sprout’!!

I’m still very bitter about the way the G.A.A. turned a mandatory one month ban into a 29 day one when The Dubs played Kerry in the 1985 All-Ireland Final for Eoin Liston!! Why couldn’t he have been known as ‘The Suicide Bomber’ from Baghdad instead of the Kingdom!!

I met a guy in ‘The Auld Dubliner’ in Temple Bar here in Dublin once who, when I enquired if he was from Newcastle, replied ‘Close enough mate, I’m from South Shields’!! I quipped ‘I’ve an idea about where that is but I think I can safely say that it’s SOUTH of North Shields’!!

I was talking to an English taxi driver once who was living in Dublin and was dropping me home when the topic of a nearby road called Tonlegee came up in the conversation!! It sparked off something in my mind’s memory file!! Tonlegee is derived from the Irish gaelic ‘Thoin le Gaoith’ which translates as ‘Arse to the wind’!! Listen people, just give me a few pints of stout and a beef lasooni from the Shalamar Restaurant in the city centre and I’d take on a Force 9 gale coming through a wind tunnel!!

George Gillett may have said that he and Tom Hicks would not spend like ‘drunken sailors’ in order to bring success to Liverpool during the summer of 2007… . but that doesn’t mean they shouldn’t have spent like sober sailors interested in having more than just a few drinks!!!!!!

I was watching a game of football between Charlton and Chelsea where the Blues were so on top it was pointless in the Addicks even bringing on Jimmy Floyd Hassel-baink at half time!! I’m telling you they could have brought on the investment manager of ABN Amro and they still would have got feck all in return for their efforts!!

I went to a golf course once and asked one of my mates how I’d do… . his response was ‘you should shoot level’!! I went off and played only to find the course very tough!! When I came back and he asked if I had shot level I replied ‘I was about as level as Seriously Over Par 42’!!!!!!

That plastic pitch in Moscow for a European Championship qualifier during October of 2007 certainly was not conducive to good football and if I was an England fan I’d feel aggrieved… . I mean if you were to smoke a joint you wouldn’t appreciate a used loo brush mixed in would you??!!!!!!

I got into a discussion one day about football where I had a difference of opinion with a fellow Red regarding a player’s ability when I turned around and said ‘he’s about a useful as a thalidomide who’s embarrassed by his hairy armpits wanting to take up beach volleyball’!!

Here’s a joke I sent to a Liverpool website during the episode where the club’s American co-owners were hardly the flavour of the month with the fans and there was apparent interest in a buy-out from the Arabs!!

Liverpool fans should not get too upset about these two Yanks owning the club as if the oil-rich Arab guys took over we might end up having The Beverley Hillbillys on the board and they are all Hicks anyway!! And further still, what if you turned around and said to them that you thought Sheik Mohammed was a Muslim with a Parkinson’s Disease sufferers’ DICk in his hand??!! They’d probably end up blowing the Scousers to fecking pieces!!!!!!

I was watching LiverpoolFCTV one day and they showed The Reds winning the European Cup for the second time at Wembley in 1978 when I got very emotional as it was the night I fell in love with them as a six and a half year old… . now people say ‘Jayziz wept’ but if He had cut His nuts while chopping onions for Judas Iscariot’s bhaji at The Last Supper He wouldn’t have shed as many tears!!!!!!

I went to the United States one summer where it was absolutely scorching… . if I had been sitting in a sauna and Fireman walked in with a pair of hot-pants in his tumble drier I wouldn’t have been as warm!!

I heard a story once about a guy who was getting a bit on the side and everyone knew about it, except his wife, but he thought nobody did!! They used to go to this cabaret where the compere would ask people up to sing!! The husband would get up and warble ‘Suspicious Minds’, which had the crowd sniggering, but when his wife would follow him by crowing ‘You’ve Been Talking In Your Sleep’ the place used to go into absolute hysterics!! True story!!

I once saw a game Liverpool were playing where we were really lucky to get away with a draw… . I’m telling you now we got out of jail more often than a thrice convicted Birdman Of Alcatraz!!

We have J.C. the greatest PROPHET of all… . BSkyB who are looking for great PROFIT!! Now those two words in block are called ‘homophones’ . . . . and that’s precisely what gay people do whenever they’re missing their mammies!!

There was some guy called Ferrero is in the semi-finals of the U.S. Open tennis tournament at Flushing Meadows in New York back during 2003!! I wonder if his wife’s maiden name is Rocher, she didn’t drop it when they became one and they have a symbiotic sex life where he covers his nuts in chocolate!!

Here’s one that was written during the period when Robbie Keane was having difficulty playing well for Liverpool… . it was written just before Christmas 2008!!

If Robbie K doesn’t start playing well for The Reds he’ll end up being a bigger flop than when Eva Herzigova takes off her Wonderbra… . Rafa B signing him will make as much sense as Burt Reynolds calling a baboon ‘the hairy arseh*le’!!!!!

I was in primary school with a guy called Patrick McGlue!! One day he was absent either sick or pulling his mother’s shopping trolley as he used to when there was a knock on the classroom door!! A little fella from a lower grade walked in and asked ‘Excuse me sir, do you have any Evostick?’!! One of my classmates stood up and humorously said ‘Sorry mate, he’s not in today’!! We went into fits but there was a bit of trouble when GaGa was in for lessons next!!

I heard a story of a poor unfortunate who had his scrotum painted with ‘Hammerite’ during his ‘stag’ by some friends!! Now I’ve heard of some blokes in desperate need of a ‘blow job’ but never one in need of a ‘blow torch’!!

I was watching a game of soccer during World Cup 1994 while Mexico were playing!! One of their players committed a terrible foul and the lads I was watching the game with began to debate as to whether it merited a red or yellow card to which I commented ‘I certainly hope the ref doesn’t produce a Green Card or there’ll be pandemonium’!!

I was watching the opening of the 2008/2009 Premiership season when one of my mates remarked, on seeing the table, that Newcastle were in ninth position despite having yet to play their first game!! I turned around and said that ‘if they don’t play at all this season they might even get a place in Europe’!!!!!!

I knew a guy who raced a horse and always complained that it kept on being beaten by a ‘short nose’ . . . . to which I replied ‘you should get Pinocchio in the saddle and see how the land lies’!!

I was sitting in the dressing room of a local football team I used to play for when somebody remarked that only nine had showed up… . I had been playing so badly at the time that I quipped ‘I suppose that promotes me to third choice substitute’!!

I know a family called Watchhorn… . it wouldn’t be that funny but for the fact that one of the sons gets rather excited in his pants whenever he encounters a nice Rolex!! Come to think of it, I get a bit of a BayWatch-horn myself whenever I see Pamela Anderson bouncing down the beach in that red swimsuit of hers!!!!!!

I told a mate of mine that a funeral I went to one day was ‘very touching’ . . . . when he replied ‘was it really??’ I humorously retorted ‘yeah, it was even more ‘touching’ than a group of drunk octopuses at a wet t-shirt competition involving mermaids’!!

I am a sufferer of schizophrenia and with the onset of my psychosis and the way my problems developed I’m telling you now I was probably amongst the most confused people who’ve ever existed… . if I had been a crossed-eyed dyslexic who was asked to organise Japanese alphabet spaghetti I couldn’t have been more confused!!!!!

Here’s one I made up after a fictitious cousin of mine had been cheated on by his Oriental wife!!

Don’t worry mate, tell her she’s welcome to stick her gang bang thang up the ying yang… . as far as I’m concerned she’s also welcome to suck the sour kraut out of Adolf Hitler’s sh*te… . and returning closer to the Orient, she’s also welcome to suck the rat poison out of Mouse Tse Tung’s saki-filled uline sample!!!!!

It really annoys me how voters in Ireland rationalise their option to have kept Bertie Ahern and the Fianna Fail party in government for over a decade by just coming up with the notion that Bertie was a ‘cute whore’ . . . . well let me tell you all Lady Marmalade with pig-tails is a cute whore but she wasn’t put in a position where she could make a b*llix of a consistent budget surplus over the space of ten years or so!!!!!

Rumour has it the guy who played the maracas in the Eighties band Dr. Hook and Gabrielle are teaming up to record ‘When A Woman Wants To Fall In Love With A Beautiful Man’!! Or maybe ‘Sexy Eye’, Prince’s ‘AnotherloverHOLEinyourhead’, Kim Carnes’ ‘Betty Davis Eyes’ being called ‘Bless Ya Lazy Eyes’ recorded with Blink 182 or what about Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers re-recording the classic ‘Islands In The Stream’ but calling it ‘Eye-lids In The Extreme’ as a dedication to their patches!!

I was in the pub one night watching Liverpool play a Champions League game when I bumped into an old primary school buddy of mine… . he must have