That Best Selling Book By Ray Pennetti

By Ray Pennetti

This book is funny enough to make you laugh out loud.

Ray traveled through forty four states sharing his love of comedy with his audiences. In this book, "That Best Selling Book By Ray Pennetti" you can live out Ray's adventures on the road. Prepare to laugh as you experience these true stories through the eyes of a comedian.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Oct 10, 2023
• ISBN: 9798350912265

Book preview

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Copyright 2023

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

ISBN: 979-8-35091-225-8 (softcover)

ISBN: 979-8-35091-226-5 (eBook)

This is dedicated to the one I love.

Thank you, John Phillips.

Prologue

Your guess is as good as mine.

Preface and Postface

Faces in the crowd.

Apologia

To My Readers:

These stories are true but they span over thirty years and are being told in retrospect. If I have repeated myself, I apologize.

Thank you.

Table of Contents

Prologue

Preface and Postface

Chapter 1 : (see Chapter 2)

Chapter 2 : Beginnings

Chapter 4 : Stories of Stand-Up Comedy

Chapter 3 : (Just Seeing if You Are Paying Attention)

Chapter 5 : Movies

Chapter 6 : Rhode Warrior

Chapter 7 : (Are You Still With Me?)

Chapter 8 : By Land or By Sea

Epilogue : A Martin Quinn Production

Chapter 9 : This and That

Addendum

Appendix

Pancreas

Chapter 1

(see Chapter 2)

Good news! My editor has assured me that everybody has at least one book in them.

So, being as the Old Testament was in use I decided to write this collection of stories that happened to me over the years.

I have so much material to go through that Chapter 1 became expendable. So, to fit the material in, I am going to start at Chapter 2. Chapter 1 was just the adventures of me and an old sea captain anyway.

Chapter 2

Beginnings

Beginnings

When I was a teenager, I had an after school job in the shipping department of a local printing company. There was a guy, about fifty, who had worked there for years. Every day he griped about his job, his hours, his bosses. I wondered how anybody could do a job for that long and hate it. I never forgot that. Nothing is perfect, but comedy is the best thing I have ever done. It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever had. I hope it never stops.

Dear Audience,

I beg of you to forgive me if I repeat any of these stories as they take place over thirty years of traveling and I’m writing from memory.

Thank you. The Author.

My Life after Parkinson’s

Parkinson’s Jokes

My handwriting looks like the scrawling of a second grader during an earthquake. Sad thing is, Parkinson’s has actually improved it. A nurse, who read a DOCTOR’S handwriting all day, told me she couldn’t read the information sheet that I had handed her. And I had TYPED it.

I’m thinking about moving to Alaska. I hate the cold, but with my shaking, I should blend right in.

Shaking makes you look nervous or suspicious. I was in an out-of-state bank and I was trying to fill out a deposit slip. The manager thought I was writing a holdup note and called the police.

Some people can get out of tickets easier than others. Blondes, for example. They can undo a button or two and no ticket. If you have PD and get pulled over by police, shaking while reaching for the registration in the glove compartment: not a good thing. And if you’re a blonde and you shake while reaching for the glove compartment, no ticket AND a dinner invitation.

Airports are another place where Shakers are profiled. Shaking in line will get you strip searched.

Besides the physical trauma, the worst thing about Parkinson’s is that everyone thinks you know Michael J. Fox. Can you get me his autograph?

Sex has gotten better. If I’m really into it, I can vibrate almost as much as a pocket rocket. I slept with one girl and afterwards I told her about the Parkinson’s. She was surprised. I asked her if she hadn’t noticed the tremors. She said that she thought I was just doing a good job.

I quit my acting classes. There aren’t a lot of casting calls for Best Friend with Parkinson’s. Or Neighbor with Parkinson’s. Or Serial Killer with Parkinson’s.

Other diseases have a catchy nickname like cancer. The Big ‘C’. We have people working on it now. But we voted down the Big ‘P’. Sounds like a urinary problem. Or a porn movie title.

There was talk of a million man march as a fundraiser, but it was voted down. A million people with Parkinson’s marching together? It would look like a George Romero zombie film.

Always count your blessings: Sure I have an incurable, debilitating disease, but, on the bright side, Handicapped Plates!

I’ve had to give up my dreams of leading the Boston Pops. Anything I conducted would come out sounding like the Flight of the Bumblebee.

Extra! Extra! Read All About It!

A brief filmography.

My filmography.

Meryl Streep, eat your heart out.

I have been picked as an extra all five times I tried. I must have that look directors want. Like when the villagers attack the castle, or a crowd scene from the Walking Dead.

Anyway, my first film taken by someone other than my father, was the feature, Black Sunday. Sunday was black due to the fact that the Minnesota Vikings did not make it to the Holy Land. As the NFC was represented by the Dallas Cowboys, who beat the Vikings on a Hail Mary pass where the receiver CLEARLY pushed off. But, I digress. By this time, the tickets for the game, travel and hotel had already been purchased. That was back in the day when you could attend a Super Bowl without the wealth of a small country, like Switzerland or kidnapping a DWTS finalist.

I never signed a contract for the movie. But, there was my cousin and I, watching the dot that was Robert Shaw scurrying about. I forget what fictional teams played in the movie. In reality, it was the Pittsburgh Steelers vs. the Dallas Cowboys. I rooted for the terrorists.

The second time I was an extra, my girlfriend at the time auditioned for a commercial with a company that was supplying extras on a movie. After securing an extra role for herself, she asked the all-important question, Can he be in it, too? Perhaps it was the lighting, perhaps it was the ‘tude. ‘Ok’, he said, ending one of the biggest manhunts since Scarlet O’Hara. We got as far as the cutting room floor.

The third film I deigned to be in went through more name changes than Liz Taylor. I think it went straight to video. Then, due to public demand, it went to the bargain bin before you reached the parking lot. If you look, you can see me in line for coffee. Well, the back of my head. It was a good hair day.

My fourth cinematic masterpiece also changed names like an undercover agent. It was the Jimmy Fallon vehicle, Rocket. In this comedy, Fallon teed the spotlight up with Lucy Liu and Tom Arnold, whose handicap was laughter.

My scene took place inside a country club. I got to wear a red club jacket, which, thankfully I couldn’t match with my limited wardrobe. I had no ‘70’s pimp clothing with me. Someday, maybe when he’s hosting the Tonight Show, Fallon will look back on this jovial funfest and pay through the nose to keep it dead and buried.

I turned down my fifth (and so far) final film due to work scheduled and weather. Weather.

Casting was looking for people to fill some of the stands in Yankee Stadium, but it was scheduled in November, so as not to conflict with a potential World Series. But, they were shooting in Yankee Stadium. I am not a Yankee fan. In fact, I hate them. During WWII, had it been Yanks vs. Germans, I would go with the Germans in a coin toss.

Anyway, I figured November weather coupled with the loss of revenue I would realize, meant the obvious choice was to do the comedy shows. It was one of the warmest Novembers on record. Curses, Farmers’ Almanac.

Audience Alert:

Please forgive me if I repeat myself my stenographer is wearing a tight sweater.

These stories are true.

Presidents

Over the years I have had several side jobs besides comedy. One is substitute teaching. Subbing for American History was always fun because of my love of history.

Outside of the orange blob that we previously had in power, we have had several important men serve as President. Some have physical attributes that make them stand out.