The Journey into a Man's Broken Heart

By Sabur IM

A story is just the formation of words used to paint the picture of an event. My story is not any different. Each word used, is full of emotions, with hopes of painting a portrait of LOVE. I always heard people say, Its better to have LOVED and lost than not to have LOVED at all. And at times, I was completely in agreement with this. Well that was until I LOVED and lost and was never able to LOVE again. I cant blame LOVE for this, but I can blame me. In order to remove the stain that guilt has left on the remaining pieces of my heart, I painted this picture, with my words, in hopes that you will end up appreciating the gift of LOVE.

• Language: English
• Publisher: AuthorHouse
• Release date: Jan 25, 2011
• ISBN: 9781456733957

Sabur IM

Sabur IM, native of Harrisburg, PA, is a passionate artist and hopeless romantic. To no surprise his first published novel is an epic tale of love, pain, misery, and triumph titled The Journey into a Man’s Broken Heart. Despite the fact that this is his first novel, it has already been raved as being “the greatest Love Story written since Romeo & Juliet.”

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© 2011 Sabur IM. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means without the written permission of the author.

First published by AuthorHouse 1/20/2011

ISBN: 978-1-4567-3396-4 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-4567-3395-7 (e)

ISBN: 978-1-4567-3394-0 (dj)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2011900899

Printed in the United States of America

Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models,

and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

This book is printed on acid-free paper.

Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any Web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

Dedication

Even though you are not here for this moment you are still here for this moment. I love you and will see you in due time!

Contents

Chapter 1 Thoughts and Transitions

Chapter 2 My Decision

Chapter 3 6 Days, 6th Night

Chapter 3.5 Here I am Again?

Chapter 4 Lost by Chance

Chapter 5 Restless Rest

Chapter 5.5 Resting while Restless

Chapter 6 The Awakening

Chapter 7 Doctor and Sweet Pain

Chapter 7.5 Dreams of Nightmares and Revenge

Chapter 8 Relaxation Attempts then Shocking Baby Steps

Chapter 9 Changes that don’t Change

Chapter 9.5 Rehab for the SOLE and SOUL

Chapter 10 Back on My Journey

Chapter 10.5 Traveling Down a Familiarly Unfamiliar Road

Chapter 11 And the Journey Ends and Begins

Chapter 12 Moments

Chapter 12.5 Heavenly Moments

Chapter 13 A New Day, A New Life

Chapter 14 Seasons

Chapter 15 Actions of Celebration and Thoughts of Anticipation

Chapter 15.5 The Light is Starting to Dimly Fade at the End of the Tunnel

Chapter 16 A Bond that Cannot Be Broken and Words that Should Not Be Spoken

Chapter 17 Detoured to the Original Path

Chapter 17.5 SIX

Chapter 18 …………………………..

Chapter 19 Here I Stand

Chapter 1

 Thoughts and Transitions

……………………………………………………….I could not believe it. After all of these years, it had finally happened to me. Maybe I should just keep my eyes closed because I am not sure if I am ready to face the next step. It must be Heaven that I made it to because I do not feel any flames burning holes into my flesh or razor-sharp objects plunging into my body. But then again, I am dead and I no longer have a body. Damn, how would I know what really happens in Hell? For all that I know Hell can just be an eternity of me living my biggest fear, which is failure. So I might just fail at everything from this point on and not be able to save anyone, not be able to accomplish anything, just an eternity of being nothing, a pointless existence. All of these thoughts were racing through my mind and I had the answers to none of them. A few minutes ago I thought I was fearless and now here I am, petrified to open my eyes because I am not ready to face eternal damnation in Hell. I was also not ready to truly appreciate the perfection and the divinity of Heaven, if that is what awaited me.

Only twenty-three years old and already I am finished living, just another statistic: one more black male who did not make it to twenty-five. There is so much that I did, but even more that I did not do. Wherever I am at when I open my eyes, I have questions that I hope will be answered. Out of all the days, if this would have happened a week ago, I would have been content, but not today!

What if I open my eyes and this is all just a dream? I will not fool myself. If I was just dreaming I would not feel so at peace. I would be able to remember something that happened before I went to sleep and I would not be lying here wondering if I am dreaming. I am certain that this is not a dream because if it was, I would not be so DAMN scared to open my eyes!!!

Ahhhhhhh…………………Here goes nothing.

……………………………………………………………………. Speechless. Never in my wildest dreams would I ever have expected this.

Heaven………HEAVEN………….it is PERFECT!!!!!! I shouted.

The gates were made up of one large diamond that seemed to stretch on infinitely in both directions. This was not the type of diamond that I saw while I was living, this was flawless. The diamond was as clear as water but as bright as the sun and for some strange reason I did not have to shield or protect my eyes from the radiant glare that bounced off of it from the sun’s beams. It was hard to believe that I was inhaling air this pure: with every breath my being was engulfed with energy and happiness. This……………….this was what I would get to bask in for eternity!

As I approached the gates they slowly opened and I saw the most exhilarating scene. Everyone was joyful, the scenery resembled Earth but the earth here was perfectly nourished, the people, the angels, the animals were all so beautiful. It was impossible to use words to describe the visual delights that were blessing my eyes. All of the families were happy and playing, enjoying every moment together.

What is this feeling? I asked myself as I quickly did a 180-degree turn to see what was behind me, but nothing was there. It must have been the magnificent gates opening to allow others the true privilege of coming into Heaven. One thing that I had noticed was that people had been coming in non-stop but it was only that one time when I felt startled and was compelled to look behind me. I did not think that I should concern myself with this strange feeling; I just thought that it was odd.

The sight of families being reunited, true loves once again being able to complete themselves with their other halves, was so stunning. All of this was occurring in front of my eyes but there I was standing alone. There was so much peace and love in the air and everything surrounding me was perfection but yet I still felt alone. Why? How could I be in Heaven and not be reunited with my loved ones? Those were the questions that I asked myself, hoping that I could somehow search deep down for the answers. Maybe I just never truly loved before or maybe it is because no one close to me had passed. All that I was able to do was come up with maybes for these questions. Even though everyone in Heaven was a family, loving and helping each other, I still could not shake the feeling that I was alone.

Everything could be felt here, the music played by a symphony of angels, the aura of warmth and love that was draped over everyone, the peace that overwhelmed the spirit from the flowing of the waters, the humming of the birds, buzzing of the bees and I felt all of this internally. The homes were not numbered or labeled but still everyone knew which home belonged to them, because each home was perfect to their beholder. I could look down and see my legs and they were physically moving but yet I did not feel them tiring. When I looked up I saw that everyone was wearing different garments and they all had different hair styles but no one cared, no one was judging one another. None of us had to express ourselves verbally, we could just feel each other and we could understand each other without any words ever being exchanged. Some people still spoke but it was just such a spiritual atmosphere that either way everything got communicated and comprehended.

After some time went by, I started to feel less lonely. I would play with the kids and this made me feel at peace: it was like playing with the younger children in my family. However, this only lasted temporarily because as time kept passing I began to feel that emptiness again. How could I not be happy in Heaven? I was beginning to believe that something was wrong with me. Thoughts began to race through my mind and that is when it happened.

On that cool brisk night I felt something deep within my heart, and the feeling that I was feeling was the presence of God. Why can’t I see you? I asked him, but to no surprise there was no response. His presence was felt throughout my entire being, he would allow me to understand the answers to the questions that I had, but verbally, he would not answer. I completely understood: why would God answer to me? I was his child, not the other way around. He made me realize that everything that had yet to happen was because of my choices, choices that I had made and will make in the future. I did not completely understand nor did I know what these choices were/are, but I did know that I could not be completely happy here in Heaven until I made all of them.

Shortly after these thoughts went through my mind I felt the presence leave and I just sat there in deep thought. I knew that I must figure out what my issue was. There was not any reason why I should not be completely happy here. This was paradise, perfect in every way, shape, and form. There was nothing here that was out of place, but yet and still I felt out of place. Please, can I just know the answer to one question? Please!!!!!! I cried out desperately, hoping to somehow get an answer.

Exhausted and almost heartbroken, I just lay back onto the bed, which is when I heard a voice. Why do you have so much pain? the soft voice asked me in a concerned tone.

I quickly turned in the direction from which the voice came, and there I saw a baby, with small fluttering wings, in the opening of the bedroom doorway. What is your name? I asked.

He came completely into the room and quietly said, I am your guardian angel. My name is not important at this point; just know that I am here to put your mind to ease.

Confused, surprised, and full of other mixed emotions I asked, My guardian angel? Why am I just now meeting you? Also, why do I feel like this? Why am I not happy?

You seem so surprised to have a guardian angel! Every one of God’s children was assigned an angel to look over them. Some choose to go astray which we are not able to prevent, due to free will, but still we are always there. You know me and my name. It may take you some time to realize it but in due time everything will come full circle. About why you are not happy, that is a question that is simple and yet extremely complex. You are not happy because you feel alone here. The reason that you feel all alone here is because of two reasons: one, you never truly loved anyone that had passed. Secondly, you are about to make certain decisions that will change everything, said the baby angel.

It was difficult to take this all in at one time. I was not expecting so much excitement in such a short period of time. I wanted to ask so many more questions but I did not want to waste time asking questions that I truly did not need the answers to. My guardian angel just told me that I know him, and that I will remember, but when? I had yet to remember everything that happened during my time alive, which might be the reason that I could not remember him. He did look familiar! Something about his eyes and his nose resembled someone that I know. And what was this decision that I was going to be making? I assumed that asking this would be a waste of time because that will be answered by time. He was looking at me, peacefully. I wondered if he could hear my thoughts even though I was trying to block them.

I do not know the reasoning behind this question, but am I the only person to ever feel like this? I mean was there or is there anyone else that feels or felt lonely here? I asked.

Well, this too is a difficult question to answer. There was one other person and while he was here he had completely different feelings than you. Actually, the only similarity between the two of you was that neither of you were/are happy here… Before you ask the answer is yes, you will meet him one day! stated my guardian angel, as he awkwardly looked me in the eyes.

He quickly broke eye contact and became flushed with a look of sadness. He looked as though something terrible was currently happening and he was being forced to watch it. I felt distant because I had no idea what I could do to ease his pain. One thing that I can say is that he did comfort me by informing me that I would eventually meet this mystery man that shared or shares the same confusion and emptiness here in Heaven. Meeting someone else that actually experienced this same emotional journey would most likely ease my mind and relax away the loneliness.

Feeling like I was finally getting this emptiness filled I said to the baby angel, I only have two more questions that I need to ask you! But before I ask I just wanted to take this time to thank you for coming to me. You sitting here with me, helping me to understand what is happening is truly making me feel better. And I thank you!!……Now to my final questions. The first question is the more important of the two. How come I can’t remember my life, well, the life I had before here? I mean some things I do remember, but most of them I don’t. The thing is, I can’t even remember how I died. The second question is kind of difficult; when I first entered through the gates I felt something. I can’t explain it, but I really felt something. Since then I have had this feeling that it was something important but when it initially happened I made myself believe that it was nothing. What it is I’m asking is, is that something that I should concern myself with?

Once I finished I looked at the angel. I swear that his face looked exactly like that of someone whom I had known for all of my life. So young and innocent, yet his eyes were completely full of fear and sadness. He said to me, I’m sorry! I’m sorry that I can’t save you. I’m sorry!!! When you remember me, just remember that it was not meant to be! I don’t hate you nor do I feel any type of resentment towards you. I love you and know that you love me. As far as the answer to your questions, you don’t remember anything because you are supposed to be at peace first. Well, you should be accepting the fact that you died and that your former life is over and nothing that happened during that time can be changed. If everybody remembered their complete pasts right away they would not be able to achieve the internal peace that one should feel when one reaches Heaven. Eventually, over time, all of your memories, the good and the bad ones, will come to you. The memories will surface at a time when you are able to understand them. You, however, are remembering parts of your past immediately without reaching that inner peace. Your other question goes back to something that I have previously told you. And it is now apparent that you have already met him. I’m supposed to let you choose your own path and no matter what I do you will, but please can you not do it, PLEASE?

Tears flooded to the eyes of my guardian angel, and in a moment’s time he began to cry. I did not know what the future was holding but I did know that it was causing the baby angel an overwhelming amount of pain. Seeing this, I now knew that when I was faced with my future decision I would not go through with it. It was not possible; I could not see myself causing him any more pain than I already was and I had not even done anything. While I was processing these thoughts through my mind I began to feel calm. I did not know where it came from, but I could see that my guardian angel felt it too.

He used his hands to clear his face and in the same motion he looked at me and smiled. Seeing that he was feeling better I felt the happiest that I had felt my entire time there. To me, there is nothing worse than knowing that I made someone cry. Out of nowhere I had this flash memory of her. As these memories processed, my spirits began to down. I never had the chance to tell her that I was sorry. All of the times that I hurt her could not be apologized for, due to my time running out. Well, I guess that I would have the chance to make up for the bad times once we reunite. Then I could prove to her that I loved her. I knew that once she got here everything would be all right; she and my family would make me feel complete.

Guardian, I am happy now. I am sorry that I made you cry but everything will be all right from here on! I told my angel.

He continued to simultaneously smile and wipe his tears, only pausing to say, I hope so, I wish that you will stay this happy! I hope that I am seeing the wrong future!

After he said this he slowly begin to vanish from my room. I did not know what it was that he was talking about but what I did know is that I would prove him wrong. All that I could do now was smile and just enjoy the positive spirits in the air while sitting in the chair beside my bed. In this position I could relax while canvassing the entire room. This perfect bedroom, in this perfect home, in HEAVEN! When I looked down at my glass floor I noticed that there were some diamonds resting there. Amazed at the clarity of these stones, I realized that they were the tears from my guardian angel. That was so ironic: from the pain that I caused my angel something so beautiful came to be. These diamonds would serve as something great; they would be a constant reminder of the pain that I would cause my angel if I did the wrong thing.

What could have been days, even years, went by, and I grew happier. The reason that I had not thought about the time is because I was so happy: time really served no purpose to me anymore. I enjoyed being with the angels and the other families here. Sometimes I just sat, watching everything around me, and taking it all in. It was true beauty, from the people to the exotic plants and animals: perfection! The angels were something that I never could have pictured. Every time that I saw one I was more impressed by the radiance of their skin, the memorizing tones of their voices, their flowing and angelic wings, everything about them captivated my every sense. Knowing that at one point in my future I could become an angel only made me happier.

Some of the people in Heaven were old while others were young. After asking around I learned that the babies that were here were at a younger age because that age was how old they were at the time that they passed. As far as everyone else, they were at the age that they were happiest. Knowing that everyone was in perfect harmony only makes me happier. The babies were full of innocence and every time that they talked it was like music and calmness for the soul.

Every so often I would see my angel but we never had the opportunity to speak; that was, until one day. I was home sleeping when I felt someone in the room with me: it was my angel. He looked extremely happy as he sat watching me from the chair in the corner of my room. The chair was a white plush micro fiber chair with white and gold upholstery. It was to the right of my bed, so the light from the window behind me caused a slight glare as it reflected off of the upholstery back into my eyes. I used my left hand to shield the glare from blinding me. I could see his little wings flapping in the air; the image reminded me of a puppy’s tail wagging. It was funny to watch him kick his little legs as they pressed against the chair; they were not even long enough to hang off of the chair.

Before I started to talk to him I swung myself around to the right side of my bed, so that I was in a sitting position. I stood up and walked to the corner of the bed and sat down again. I wanted to be as close to him as possible. Every night, since we first met, I went to sleep, holding the diamond tears close to my heart which is why I clinched my right hand tight so that I could count and ensure that I had all of them. There were a total of six diamonds that were left from the night that I met my guardian angel.

Thank you! I said. That was the first thing that I felt compelled to say.

He just smiled at me and said, No, thank you! I just wanted to come by and say sorry for breaking down like that the other night. I was just afraid that I would lose you, again. It took some time but I realized that you can never lose people; they just go away for a while. Just so you know, my complete family has not yet reunited with me. I just thought that you should know that, so you can see that we have something in common.

It got quiet for a few seconds, which is when I smiled and asked, So, what’s your name?

He smiled and tears begin to roll down his chubby cheeks. He did not stop them because there were only a few and these tears were tears of happiness. I never saw a baby so cute! He looked so familiar but yet I could not determine where it was that I know him from. After the last tear fell from his cheek and crystallized on the chair, he looked at me with his light brown eyes and said, I was hoping that you could tell me. See, I died before my parents could name me, so I was wondering if you could give me one. That is why I told you that you would know my name; it’s because you are the one that will be giving it to me!

Speechless, I felt like this was the biggest honor that I was ever awarded. Who would have ever though that I would first go to Heaven and then be able to name an angel? I then opened my right hand and looked at these six flawless diamond tears and said, Your name is Six!

He began to laugh and in the middle of his laughter he flew over to me and gave me the biggest hug that I have ever received. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You do not know how much this means to me! I will always love you! He shouted.

After he told me this, Six and I just sat in the room and talked. Time seemed to stand still; either that or time flew by. I am not sure because time was not important any more. I was at peace; therefore, I did not have to sit alone and contemplate my future dilemmas. Joking around and playing with Six, there was something about it; it gave me a feeling that I cannot really put into words. Six was more than just my guardian angel, he was my friend, my family, and there was just something about him that made me feel complete. He being here made me so happy and I thanked God for assigning him to me.

There were days that he was not around and I would spend those days trying to figure out why he looked so familiar. It irritated me sometimes because I knew for certain that I knew who he was, I just could not put it together. His face looked so familiar, he looked identical to someone, but I was unable to remember who that someone was yet.

There was not any rush; after she got here and we first worked out our differences, I was sure that she would recognize him. I missed her so much, as well as my family and friends. The only difference, which complicated my emotions, was that I knew that I would reunite with my family and friends. However, with her, things would take time. I was not too concerned about it taking time because Heaven was forever and also because I know that true love conquered all! I now realized that she was the owner of my heart and that I loved her more than anything; it took me dying to recognize what I had and also how I felt. It felt good, though; no more fighting the feelings that I had, no more lies, no more cheating: the only thing that remained was LOVE. I knew that once she got here she would be so happy, not only because it was perfect here but also because she would finally receive the love that she had shown and given me over the years. She spent so much time waiting for the growth and she would finally get the opportunity to see it. While processing these thoughts, I slouched in the chair that was normally occupied by Six. I could picture the two of us rolling around on the bed, the smell of her hair, the softness of her skin, the gentle breaths that sent chills down my arms every time she spoke. Not only could I imagine the moments between her and me but I could picture the ones that she and I could spend with Six.

While I was playing the visions of my own little family out in my mind, a smile came over my once-relaxed face. As this occurred, Six entered the room. He came over to the chair that he unofficially claimed as his. I smiled and signaled for