A Diary of Change 12 Personal Tools

By Trish Tonaj

A Diary of Change 12 Personal Tools shares an experience about one of life's adventures that revolves around enormous personal and professional change. The foundation to success is sharing a formula for individual Health and Wellness and the personal tools that were used to rebuild a life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Sep 1, 2014
• ISBN: 9781483545707

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C hange M anagement

Well, your life as you know it has changed forever. You’ve experienced something that is life-altering and you’re now wondering what to do?

If we look in the dictionary, there are two definitions for the word change, one as a noun: make or become different the other as a verb: the act or instance of making or becoming different.

Sounds simple enough, but the real question is: How do we manage change?

Change management is described as the process, tools and techniques to manage the people-side of change to achieve a required outcome.

Sounds like a plan. I’m sure you’ll agree we all handle change differently and use various tips and tools throughout the transition.

Here are a few personal events that come to mind, which change your life and require you to re-think your sense of self:

•Birth of a child

•Graduation

•Receipt of an Award

•Winning a game,prize

•Buying your first House

•Achieving a goal

•Getting Married

•Learning a new skill

•Illness

•Finding something you’ve lost

•New job or career

•Divorce or Separation

Whether positive or negative, change requires adaptation. Over the years, I’ve learned that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction that is both predictable and at times, unsettling. How many times have you heard someone say This is not what I expected?

When these things happen we begin to look for common ground, something we can hang onto that feels safe, comfortable and can even for a moment, offer a sense of calm and a feeling of the familiar.

My biggest life-altering experience occurred when I discovered that my husband and best friend had another life with another woman. Eeeeek!

To say that I was unprepared for this change was an understatement. This was an experience that literally, took the wind out my sails and brought me to my knees.

What do you do when that happens?

I wrote down three past events that I considered to be life-altering and asked myself the following questions:

How did I cope?

What did I do to restore balance?

Who was my biggest cheerleader?

Who made me laugh?

How did my friends and family react to the situation?

Am I proud of the way I handled things at the time?

The answers, gave me a sense into my own personal history and provided insight into the changes I required for the future.

After a great deal of reflection, I developed a formula and 12 Personal Tools centred around rebuilding both my personal and professional life. I used them to ease the transition and restore a little balance. I’d like to share them with you in the hope that you may find them useful in your own life experience.

One thing is for certain: everyone’s personal journey has a few bumps in the road.

What I try to keep in mind, is fundamental to change management: What we say and what we do will shape and form the way we are able to move on and enjoy life.

Our response is our legacy and throughout the years our lives are certainly going to change!

S etting The S tage

A MORNING OF SURPRISES

I was lying in bed, running through my to do list for the day, and as I listened to the birds singing just outside my window, the phone rang. It was 7:15 a.m. on a Wednesday in mid-September.

Hello, is Michael home? a man asked.

No, I’m sorry he’s not available, can I take a message?…

No, this is Jeff; do you know who I am?

No, I’m sorry, should I know you?

Yes, your husband has been sleeping with my wife for the last five years.

Pardon

I’m sorry, I’m so sorry; did you have any idea that he’s been having an affair?

I don’t think I’ve ever jumped out of bed so fast. I ran my hands through my hair and put on my robe. Wearing my pyjamas while talking to someone who seemed to know a lot more about my life than I did, was somehow a little unnerving.

Where do you live?

We live in Dallas, Texas.

Then how do they see each other?

They live together at every corporate function, you know, the quarterly meeting is next week. They also send love letters and talk on-line. My computer is being repaired and I needed to send something to the office so I used hers. That’s when I found the letter.

What did the letter say?

I can’t wait to be in your arms again. I’ve missed you so much, I love you, you mean the world to me.

Oh, my God.

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was so cavalier, and he seemed to know so many details.

But, we just returned from celebrating our 20th anniversary on a European cruise. What do you mean did I know he was having an affair?

We just got back, we just got home!

Listen, I found the letter on my wife’s computer yesterday. She had told me that the affair was over a few years ago, but unfortunately she has now admitted that they’ve been seeing each other the whole time. She went to a friend’s house last night because I lost my temper.

Did you know they were together last week in Galveston?

His voice sounded a little desperate, but somehow, in the centre of my heart, or the pit of my stomach, I knew he was telling the truth.

Galveston, Galveston Texas?

Ya, they were together last Wednesday night. I suppose he told you he was away on business.

We had returned the previous Saturday from our trip. My birthday had been on Monday and he had left Tuesday. The trip hadn’t been planned, but the office called Monday asking that he go visit a client in Texas.

Ya, he was in Texas alright but he was with my wife. I’m so sorry. You’ll never know how sorry I am to have to be the one to tell you. But I just couldn’t take it anymore.

He couldn’t take it anymore. How would he like to be in my shoes?

I was stunned. I’m sure I had that deer-in-the-headlights look on my face. Not only was my husband having an affair but it would appear that the three of them had known about it for a very long time and had, in fact, established some sort of relationship!

I can’t believe what you’re telling me. How long have you known?

Well, I’ve actually known almost from the beginning. Caroline and I have been going to couples counselling to try and save our marriage. We’ve been together for almost 30 years and married for 28. We met in college and have been together ever since. We have three children and one granddaughter. Our son is in his last year of high school.

You know, Michael, doesn’t have many nice things to say about you but you sound like such a nice lady. I’ve been corresponding with him over the last few years and he was supposed to be leaving my wife alone so we could work on our relationship. I made some mistakes and now I’m paying for it. Your husband was around at the right time and he was a good friend to her; he became her confidant, someone she trusted. Did you know that last Christmas he called her 18 times? What kind of family do you have if he can call my wife that many times on Christmas Day?

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I knew something hadn’t been right between us, and I’d even asked him if he were having an affair but he had sworn that he wasn’t. He said he knew how I felt about people who lied to their spouses and he said he would never do that!

I went through different events of the previous few months to see if there had been anything lately that had struck me as unusual, or more usual, as of late. I just couldn’t put my finger on any one thing. I’d asked Michael to go to counselling and he had always had an excuse: his job, his schedule. Didn’t I want him to make more money so that we could have a better life? I could remember him saying that he was only going to have such a hectic travel schedule for another five years: at that point we would be able to move to the US and buy our retirement property.

Well, I hate to tell you, but he is a liar and a coward, Jeff was saying.

Oh, my God.

My husband was another woman’s knight in shining armor! All I could think of was, who was going to save me? And how could someone sleep with someone else’s husband? What kind of woman was she? I was in shock.

Jeff now began to give me his version of events, one that made his wife sound like a damsel in distress and Michael like a common stalker.

I’ve actually known Michael for a few years because I work in the same industry he was saying. Did you know that he got Caroline a job with his company a few years ago? We all met at a corporate function. Caroline went to Toronto a few months later to visit a friend and they apparently had dinner – that’s when it all began.

You know, your husband, he’s not a very nice guy. I know everyone thinks he’s really friendly, happy-go-lucky, but, whenever I saw him out on the road he was the life of the party. Going to strip clubs, laughing, joking and acting like he was single, really whooping it up! He definitely didn’t seem like he was married. I’m so sorry.

Oh my God, how does someone do this? I can’t believe what you’re telling me. We were high school sweethearts and we’ve been married for 20 years. He had been my best friend for 30 years. This was the man I’d renewed my wedding vows with twice, and who I thought was my soul mate. This couldn’t actually be happening.

My heart was beating so fast I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I knew I was in shock and that my life would now never be the same again and, of course, Michael was away on another business trip and at that moment I couldn’t even remember where he was.

I finally caught my breath. I’m sorry, but I can’t talk to you anymore. I have to go. I said Good-bye.

I just stood there, in the middle of my home office, staring blankly out the window. I felt like I was going to be sick. The tears hadn’t started, yet.

I’d obviously been wandering around the upper level of the house as Jeff and I spoke, trying to digest all this information.

I could not believe what I’d heard.

I had to talk to Michael. He would explain that this man was insane and had obviously called the wrong house! This could not be happening. I looked at the clock on top of the armoire and could not believe it was 8:15 a.m. I’d actually been on the phone for an hour talking to someone I didn’t know, but who had now changed my life forever. I couldn’t think clearly, I felt panicky, but finally after a few minutes I realized there was only one thing I could do: call Michael and find out if it was true. See what he had to say, maybe he could explain.

I walked downstairs to put out the dog and I noticed that the sun was shining. It was going to be a beautiful warm September day. I looked up into the bright blue sky and was surprised to see that there wasn’t a black cloud hanging over my house. I picked up the phone and dialed the oooh-so-familiar number.

Michael had been on the road now for five years. A 48-hour husband, I used to say, because he’d fly in on a Friday night and be gone again either Sunday night or Monday morning. We would talk three or four times a day, always friendly chit-chat, but in the last few months, come to think of it, he had been turning off his phone at night and not calling before he went to bed. Why did I think of that now as he picked up the phone?

Gooood morning, I didn’t expect to hear from you this early.

Who is Caroline?

Our rep in Texas why?

Just a sales rep? I think she’s the women you’ve been sleeping with for the last five years. I just got off the phone with her husband.

Silence.

Don’t you have anything to say?

Still silence. Then, finally…

I didn’t want you to find out this way.

WHAT!

So you don’t deny it?

No

And then the tears started, I couldn’t breathe and my voice began to crack.

How long has this been going on?

Not for five years!

What do you mean, not for five years? You swore to me that you weren’t having an affair when I asked you. That it was only a mid-life crisis. Things were going to get better.

Now I was raising my voice, yelling at the telephone and wishing I could read the expression on his face, but so much of our relationship over the last few years had been conducted on the phone. How sad to know that our marriage was reduced to fleeting moments of cell phone air time.

What do you mean, not for five years? Oh my God, what have you got to say for yourself?

Silence.

Say something!

What do you want me to say? It’s true. I’ve met someone else.

MET SOMEONE ELSE, is that all you’ve got to say? I can’t believe what I’m hearing. What about last week in Galveston? Were you sleeping with her last week?

Yes

Three days after we get back from celebrating our 20th Anniversary? I can’t believe after everything we’ve been through that you would do this to me. Boy, you really are your mother’s son aren’t you? It’s true what they say; the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Does it?

By then I was gasping for air; my chest felt tight and I was sobbing to the man who had once been my knight in shining armor. The man I no longer knew.

Michael, I can’t believe what you’ve done.

I must have ranted on for a while because there was just silence. My face was wet from crying, my hair was standing on end and the sash from my robe was hanging around my ankle. The dog was now standing at the door looking for her breakfast. I’d completely forgotten I’d even put her outside.

He didn’t say a thing. No apologies, no explanations,no… nothing.

Just silence.

Later, someone told me I’d had the element of surprise on my side. Although the three of them knew all the sordid details, they had become quite comfortable with the existing arrangement.

I was now not only the victim, but also the bad guy ruining their little soirée and forcing everyone to face the facts and make some hard decisions. The fact that Michael hardly spoke gave me an indication of his true feelings.

He obviously had moved on emotionally. It would appear that the only thing he was angry about was that he’d been caught.

I gave myself exactly three hours to have a shower, pull myself together and call my corporate lawyer for a referral to someone specializing in family law. By the early afternoon I had an appointment for the Friday morning with someone who could at least give me an idea as to what I could expect. This would give me the bargaining edge when I met with Michael on the weekend. He was coming over on Saturday to pick up some clothes he needed for his meetings next week and I planned to be prepared.

What was I going do? How was I going to survive?

I’d recently dissolved my business as we were supposed to be moving to the US. I had no income! What the hell was I going to do?