Out of the Developmental Chrysalis in Intimacy and Relationship Therapy

By Ronald Mah

“Out of the Developmental Chrysalis in Intimacy and Relationship Therapy.” Developmental theories offers excellent guidance for assessment, diagnosis, and therapy for adult individuals especially with intimacy and relationship challenges. Expansion of the focus on developmental theories beyond infancy, childhood, and adolescence can enrich therapy for individuals, couples, and families. From the baby's need to be picked up and soothed, early developmental experiences predispose the individual to attachment, intimacy functionality, and relationships in adulthood, including in the couple and in a family as well as in the workplace and socially. Individuals come out of childhood shaped in functional and problematic ways that can enhance or challenge important relationships.

Ten basic rules of developmental theories guides assessment and diagnosis of intimacy and relationship functioning, while also providing guidance for enhancing resiliency and reparative therapeutic relationships. Primary defense mechanisms and theories of the cognitive development are re-examined to enable the therapist to evaluate clinical presentations and provide strategy for therapeutic interventions. A person's apparently immature presentation instead is revealed to be clear clinical cues to the developmental history of individuals, the etiology of behavior, and the goals of therapy. Attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy are viewed from these principles and rules. The therapist is directed how take a transitional authoritative quasi-parental role to promote developmental progression of quantitative change to create the qualitative change that are the goals of therapy.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ronald Mah
• Release date: Dec 16, 2013
• ISBN: 9781311092991

Ronald Mah

Therapist, educator, author and consultant combine concepts, principles, and philosophy with practical techniques and guidelines for effective and productive results. A Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (licensed 1994), his experiences include:Psychotherapist: individual, child and teen, couples, and family therapy in private practice in San Leandro, California- specialties include challenging couples, difficult teenagers, Aspergers Syndrome, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, learning disabilities, cross and multi-cultural issues, foster children, child development, parenting, and personality disorders;Author: twenty-one project/books on couples therapy for a doctoral program, including substantial work on major complications in couples and couples therapy (including depression, anxiety, domestic violence, personality disorders, addiction, and affairs); articles for the Journal of the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapist (CAMFT) on working with teenagers, elder care issues affecting family dynamics, and assessing dangerous clients, online courses for the National Association of Social Workers- California chapter (NASW-CA) on child abuse prevention, legal and ethical vulnerabilities for professionals, and difficult children, “Difficult Behavior in Early Childhood, Positive Discipline for PreK-3 Classrooms and Beyond” (Corwin Press, 2006), “The One-Minute Temper Tantrum Solution” (Corwin Press, 2008), and “Getting Beyond Bullying and Exclusion, PreK-5, Empowering Children in Inclusive Classrooms,” (Corwin Press, 2009); Asian Pacific Islander Parent Education Support (APIPES) curriculum for the City of San Francisco Department of Human Services (1996), 4th-6th Grade Social Science Reader, Asian-American History, Berkeley Unified School District, Berkeley, CA, (1977), and trainer/speaker of 20 dvds on child development and behavior for Fixed Earth Films, and in another time and career three arts and crafts books for children: two with Symbiosis Press (1985 &1987) and one with Price, Sloan, and Stern (1986);Consultant and trainer: for social services programs working with youth and young adults, Asian-American community mental health, Severe Emotional Disturbance (SED) school programs, therapeutic, social support, and vocational programs for at risk youth, welfare to work programs, Head Start organizations, early childhood education programs and conferences, public, private, and parochial schools and organizations,Clinical supervisor: for therapists in Severe Emotional Disturbance (SED) school programs, child and family therapists in a community counseling agency, Veteran Affairs in-patient clinician working with PTSD and dual diagnoses, foster care services manager for a school district, manager/supervisor for the Trevor Project-San Francisco, and therapists in a high school mental health clinic;Educator: credentialed elementary and secondary teacher, Masters of Psychology instructor for Licensed Marriage & Family Therapy (LMFT) and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) track students, 16 years in early childhood education, including owning and running a child development center for 11 years, elementary & secondary teaching credentials, community college instructor, and trainer/speaker for staff development and conferences for social services organizations including early childhood development, education, social work, and psychotherapy.Other professional roles: member Ethics Committee for six years and at-large member Board of Directors for four years for the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapist (CAMFT), and member Board of Directors of the California Kindergarten Association (CKA) for two three-year terms.Personal: married since 1981 after dating since 1972 to girlfriend/wife/life partner with two wonderful strong adult daughters, and fourth of five American-born children from immigrant parents- the older of the "second set" of children.

Book preview

Out of the Developmental Chrysalis in Intimacy and Relationship Therapy

Published by Ronald Mah at Smashwords

Copyright 2013 Ronald Mah

Ronald Mah's website- www.ronaldmah.com

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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Abstract:

Developmental theories offers excellent guidance for assessment, diagnosis, and therapy for adult individuals especially with intimacy and relationship challenges. Expansion of the focus on developmental theories beyond infancy, childhood, and adolescence can enrich therapy for individuals, couples, and families. From the baby's need to be picked up and soothed, early developmental experiences predispose the individual to attachment, intimacy functionality, and relationships in adulthood, including in the couple and in a family as well as in the workplace and socially. Individuals come out of childhood shaped in functional and problematic ways that can enhance or challenge important relationships.

Ten basic rules of developmental theories guides assessment and diagnosis of intimacy and relationship functioning, while also providing guidance for enhancing resiliency and reparative therapeutic relationships. Primary defense mechanisms and theories of the cognitive development are re-examined to enable the therapist to evaluate clinical presentations and provide strategy for therapeutic interventions. A person's apparently immature presentation instead is revealed to be clear clinical cues to the developmental history of individuals, the etiology of behavior, and the goals of therapy. Attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy are viewed from these principles and rules. The therapist is directed how take a transitional authoritative quasi-parental role to promote developmental progression of quantitative change to create the qualitative change that are the goals of therapy.

link to Table of Contents

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Linked Table of Contents

Abstract

INTRODUCTION: WHY DO YOU PICK A BABY WHO IS CRYING?

Chapter 1: THERAPY AS RE-PARENTING

Chapter 2: BASIC RULES OF DEVELOPMENTAL THEORIES

Chapter 3: DEVELOPMENT HAPPENS IN STAGES

Chapter 4: CRITICAL PERIODS IN DEVELOPMENT

Chapter 5: QUANTITATIVE CHANGES LEAD TO QUALITATIVE CHANGE

Chapter 6: DEVELOPMENT IS SEQUENTIAL & PROGRESSIVE

Chapter 7: SKIPPING OR RUSHING DEVELOPMENT CAUSES PROBLEMS

Chapter 8: GETTING STUCK OR REGRESSING W/ EXCESSIVE STRESS, ABUSE, OR TRAUMA

Chapter 9: DEVELOPMENTAL ENERGY REASSERTS

Chapter10: RESILIENCY ALLOWS FOR DEVELOPMENTAL ENERGY TO BE MET… LATER

Chapter 11: SATIATION TRIGGERS DEVELOPMENTAL PROGRESSION

Chapter 12: ANXIETY & ATTACHMENT

Chapter 13: PRACTICE ANXIETY

Chapter 14: ATTACHMENT THEORY

Chapter 15: REFLECTIVE FUNCTION

Chapter 16: SEPARATION DISTRESS

Chapter 17: EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED THERAPY

Chapter 18: ATTACHMENT INJURY RESOLUTION MODEL

Chapter 19: THERAPEUTIC CUES OF AGE-INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR

Chapter 20: I'M FINE- DENIAL

Chapter 21: YOU'RE THE ONE!- PROJECTION

Chapter 22: I'M SORRY- INTROJECTION

Chapter 23: COGNITIVE DEVELOPMENT PROCESSING AFFECTING RELATIONSHIPS

Chapter 24: MAGIC- PRE-OPERATIONAL THINKING

Chapter 25: IF THIS, THEN THAT- CONCRETE OPERATIONS

Chapter 26: DEPENDING ON, THEN THIS-FORMAL OPERATIONS

Chapter 27: FACILITATING DEVELOPMENT PROGRESSION

Chapter 28: QUANTITATIVE TO QUALITATIVE & CONCRETE TO ABSTRACT

CONCLUSION:

Bibliography

Books by Ronald Mah

Biographic Information

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**Author's Note: Other than public figures or people identified in the media, all other persons in this book are either composites of individuals the author has worked with and/or have been given different names and had their personal identifying information altered to protect and respect their confidentiality.

INTRODUCTION: WHY DO YOU PICK UP A BABY WHO IS CRYING?

Periodically the Ferber method or as it may be incorrectly labeled- the CYO or Cry It Out method gets reviewed (or criticized) for its effectiveness and potential positive or negative consequences on infants. The method is often mischaracterized as recommending parents let their infant children cry it out alone in their cribs until they fall asleep. Ferber never said parents should simply leave their infants in their cribs and shut the bedroom door behind them. His progressive waiting approach allows parents to gradually limit the time they spend in their child's room while providing regular comfort and reassurance — as well as reassuring themselves that the children are okay (babycare.com, 2010). One mother told the therapist that she tried the CYO method with her older daughter. The mother felt her daughter was harmed as she still suffers anxiety as a young adult from being left alone crying in her bedroom. She abandoned the CYO method and subsequently responded more readily to her younger daughter when she cried. She said her younger daughter became a significantly more secure adult who could more readily manage anxiety and stress. The following is for the therapist or other professional to utilize for the discussion on picking up crying babies and longer term effects of that behavior. This commentary does not dismiss the logistical requirements of getting a baby to sleep through the night and parental needs for their own sleep.

Why do you pick up a baby who is crying?

The baby is in distress over discomfort, hunger, being startled, and so forth. Babies are completely helpless and dependent on their parents or caregivers for their every need and for remedy for their every distress. Babies in distress who are not attended to, slide into despair. You can hear the difference in their cry. Often you can hear anger in their cry.

Why do you pick up a baby who is crying?

Because babies not only are not able to self-care, they do not know how to self-soothe! You pick up the baby to soothe him or her so that he or she doesn't go into despair, which ignites a whole set of other emotional and psychological issues potentially.

Why do you pick up a baby who is crying?

Because as the caregiver soothes the baby, three important things happen. First, the baby is soothed and his or her distress recedes rather than intensifies into despair. The baby crying can be distressful to his or her caregivers. As the caregiver responds, the baby gradually accrues repeated fundamental messages of worth. The caregiving and soothing shows him/her that his or her distress matters to someone. Specifically, that he or she matters to the intimate caregiver- usually the parent or parents. The caregiver cares and will respond by meeting his or her needs and nurturing. The baby experiences that someone both is available and will attend to him/her. Second, the baby learns from the model and experience.

I first began working with children in a volunteer community program our group of college students had initiated. One of the kids fell and got a bump. Hurt, she began crying. I instinctively picked her up, put her on my hip, and began swaying gently from side to side. I remember wondering, Where'd THAT come from!? Of course, that came from my pre-cognitive memory of being held and rocked by my mother. Many years later, I was rocking our sleepy 8-month-old baby girl tucked in the crock of my arm and gently patting her on the back with the other hand. I thought she was asleep. With her arm tucked under my arm holding me as I held her, suddenly I felt her little hand patting me on the back! This is the baby who became the girl… the teen… and the young woman 20+ years later who is still nurturing others as she has embarked on a career working with young people, as well as nurturing and soothing her close intimate relationships. The second consequence of soothing a baby is that he or she experiences the model of soothing and learns how to soothe others. Babies who are soothed become the children and adults who then apply this model throughout life to soothe the important individuals in their lives.

The third and equally (arguably most) important consequence is that the baby learns how to self-soothe. The baby eventually learns to rock him/herself gently the way the caregiver has rocked him/her. He or she eventually learns to caress him/herself around his or her face and body, the way the caregiver has caressed him/her. He or she eventually learns to murmur in the same tone (but in baby language) the gentle nurturing sounds that he or she has heard from the caregiver. Babies learn how to self-soothe by being soothed by loving caretakers.

Babies that are soothed learn and are modeled behaviors that they eventually use to soothe others as they grow older.

Babies that learn how to self-soothe become children, teenagers, and adults who know how to self-soothe and know how to soothe others.

Babies that DO NOT learn how to self-soothe become children, teenagers, and adults who DO NOT know how to self-soothe or soothe others. Problematic consequences for individuals throughout life are likely. This is another way to conceptualize or describe insecure attachment, which in turn predicts future relationship problems.

Children who do not know how to self-soothe will stay distressed, anxious, and fearful. They will act out to gain the fourth cousin twice removed of nurturing- that is, negative attention. They take the negative attention because that is all they feel they can get. They act with anger because others have not been available or attentive, and in preparation for the anger their behavior will elicit. Ironically, adults need to celebrate their acting out, because their acting out is a cry for help. Unfortunately, adults such as parents or teachers or therapists are often drawn to trying to manage the negative behavior, and fail to recognize the call for soothing. Attempts to shape or re-structure behavior, that is, discipline leave the dynamic devoid of soothing. The cry has not been duly attended to which frustrates, scares, and angers the child. The cry for help although the baby or child may not know it, is also a cry of hope. Babies that stop crying have lost hope. This can result in the failure to thrive syndrome. The child silently depressed in the corner of the classroom or isolated in his or her bedroom who does not act out, may be the one who is most in distress. He or she may have gone beyond distress. Having lost hope, he or she may slide deeply into depression. Teens and adults who do not know how to self-soothe will also behave and make choices that draw negative attention because they cannot get soothing. They may do so with classmates, teammates, at a job, and in a couple and suffer the consequences.

Teenagers and adults who do not know how to self-soothe, may use alcohol, drugs, sex, food, self-injury, and any number of other dysfunctional behaviors in order to self-soothe. If they lose hope, they may also fall into patterns of short-term gratuitous or hedonistic behaviors that can be self-destructive. Long-term goals or dreams become irrelevant with repeated life experiences and acquired views of hopelessness and helplessness.

Teenagers and adults who do not know how to self-soothe, will get into a relationship with another person, and demand that that person always perfectly soothe them when they are in need. And, if for some reason, that person fails to soothe them when their distress spirals immediately into anger and despair,