Mirror Mirror... Reflections of Self-Esteem in Relationships and Therapy

By Ronald Mah

Mirror Mirror... Reflections of Self-Esteem in Relationships and Therapy. The request for communications oriented therapy often assumes a need for self-esteem focused therapy. Poor communication directly harms self-esteem and relationships as individuals poorly mirror each other. Comment, complaining, criticizing, contempt, defensiveness, disconnecting emotionally, and divorce are both stages of relationship devolution, but also concepts to assess communication dynamics, relationships, and direct therapy. Blocked or inappropriate expression or feelings, covert communication, open versus closed communication, congruence and connection, stances, games, and dysfunctional rules and rituals are examined for recognizing key relationship problems and therapeutic strategies. The development of self-esteem, relationship to socialization, the Four Principles of Self-Esteem, and mutually reciprocal affects between confrontation and conflict lead to two specific tools: the Four Honorings of Communication and the Working It Out Plan for therapy. In addition, the book presents the eight-step process to build the self-reflective foundations of self-esteem and the projective formulative seven-step process of self-esteem and the 90-Second-A-Day Self-Esteem Prescription Plan.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Ronald Mah
• Release date: Mar 17, 2014
• ISBN: 9781311035271

Ronald Mah

Therapist, educator, author and consultant combine concepts, principles, and philosophy with practical techniques and guidelines for effective and productive results. A Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist (licensed 1994), his experiences include:Psychotherapist: individual, child and teen, couples, and family therapy in private practice in San Leandro, California- specialties include challenging couples, difficult teenagers, Aspergers Syndrome, Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder, learning disabilities, cross and multi-cultural issues, foster children, child development, parenting, and personality disorders;Author: twenty-one project/books on couples therapy for a doctoral program, including substantial work on major complications in couples and couples therapy (including depression, anxiety, domestic violence, personality disorders, addiction, and affairs); articles for the Journal of the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapist (CAMFT) on working with teenagers, elder care issues affecting family dynamics, and assessing dangerous clients, online courses for the National Association of Social Workers- California chapter (NASW-CA) on child abuse prevention, legal and ethical vulnerabilities for professionals, and difficult children, “Difficult Behavior in Early Childhood, Positive Discipline for PreK-3 Classrooms and Beyond” (Corwin Press, 2006), “The One-Minute Temper Tantrum Solution” (Corwin Press, 2008), and “Getting Beyond Bullying and Exclusion, PreK-5, Empowering Children in Inclusive Classrooms,” (Corwin Press, 2009); Asian Pacific Islander Parent Education Support (APIPES) curriculum for the City of San Francisco Department of Human Services (1996), 4th-6th Grade Social Science Reader, Asian-American History, Berkeley Unified School District, Berkeley, CA, (1977), and trainer/speaker of 20 dvds on child development and behavior for Fixed Earth Films, and in another time and career three arts and crafts books for children: two with Symbiosis Press (1985 &1987) and one with Price, Sloan, and Stern (1986);Consultant and trainer: for social services programs working with youth and young adults, Asian-American community mental health, Severe Emotional Disturbance (SED) school programs, therapeutic, social support, and vocational programs for at risk youth, welfare to work programs, Head Start organizations, early childhood education programs and conferences, public, private, and parochial schools and organizations,Clinical supervisor: for therapists in Severe Emotional Disturbance (SED) school programs, child and family therapists in a community counseling agency, Veteran Affairs in-patient clinician working with PTSD and dual diagnoses, foster care services manager for a school district, manager/supervisor for the Trevor Project-San Francisco, and therapists in a high school mental health clinic;Educator: credentialed elementary and secondary teacher, Masters of Psychology instructor for Licensed Marriage & Family Therapy (LMFT) and Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor (LPCC) track students, 16 years in early childhood education, including owning and running a child development center for 11 years, elementary & secondary teaching credentials, community college instructor, and trainer/speaker for staff development and conferences for social services organizations including early childhood development, education, social work, and psychotherapy.Other professional roles: member Ethics Committee for six years and at-large member Board of Directors for four years for the California Association of Marriage & Family Therapist (CAMFT), and member Board of Directors of the California Kindergarten Association (CKA) for two three-year terms.Personal: married since 1981 after dating since 1972 to girlfriend/wife/life partner with two wonderful strong adult daughters, and fourth of five American-born children from immigrant parents- the older of the "second set" of children.

Book preview

Mirror Mirror…

Reflections of Self-Esteem in Relationships and Therapy

Published by Ronald Mah at Smashwords

Copyright 2013 Ronald Mah

Ronald Mah's website- www.ronaldmah.com

Smashwords Edition, License Notes

This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you're reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.

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Abstract:

The request for communications oriented therapy often assumes a need for self-esteem focused therapy. Poor communication directly harms self-esteem and relationships as individuals poorly mirror each other. Comment, complaining, criticizing, contempt, defensiveness, disconnecting emotionally, and divorce are both stages of relationship devolution, but also concepts to assess communication dynamics, relationships, and direct therapy. Blocked or inappropriate expression or feelings, covert communication, open versus closed communication, congruence and connection, stances, games, and dysfunctional rules and rituals are examined for recognizing key relationship problems and therapeutic strategies. The development of self-esteem, relationship to socialization, the Four Principles of Self-Esteem, and mutually reciprocal affects between confrontation and conflict lead to two specific tools: the Four Honorings of Communication and the Working It Out Plan for therapy. In addition, the book presents the eight-step process to build the self-reflective foundations of self-esteem and the projective formulative seven-step process of self-esteem and the 90-Second-A-Day Self-Esteem Prescription Plan.

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Linked Table of Contents

Abstract

Introduction: COMMUNICATIONS ORIENTED THERAPY

Chapter 1: ASSESSMENT

COMMENTING

COMPLAINING

CRITICIZING

CONTEMPT

DEFENSIVENESS

DISCONNECT EMOTIONALLY

DIVORCE

Chapter 2: TREATMENT PLANS & GOALS

Chapter 3: INTERVENTIONS

TERMINATION

Chapter 4: INDICATORS FOR COMMUNICATION THERAPY

BLOCKED OR INAPPROPRIATE EXPRESSION OF FEELINGS

COVERT COMMUNICATION

OPEN VS. CLOSED COMMUNICATION

Chapter 5: DYSFUNCTIONAL RULES & RITUALS

CONGRUENCE AND CONNECTION

STANCES

GAMES

Chapter 6: HOW SELF-ESTEEM IS DEVELOPED

Chapter 7: SELF-ESTEEM & SOCIALIZATION

Chapter 8: CONFRONTATION & CONFLICT

Chapter 9: THE FOUR HONORINGS OF COMMUNICATION

Chapter 10: THE WORKING OUT PLAN

Chapter 11: SELF-ESTEEM THEORY PRINCIPLES

SIGNIFICANCE

MORAL VIRTURE

IDEAL SELF vs. REAL SELF

COUPLES AND MORAL VIRTUE

Chapter 12: POWER AND CONTROL

COMMUNAL POWER AND CONTROL

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR

Chapter 13: COMPETENCE

Chapter 14: FOUNDATIONS OF SELF-ESTEEM

I) KNOW ONESELF

II) BEING A MODEL OF SELF-LOVE

III) TAKE CARE OF ONESELF…FIRST!

IV) BE AVAILABLE

V) CONTRACT OF AVAILABILITY

VI) SEPARATE- THERE'S TWO, NOT ONE

VII) DISTINGUISH LOVE AND LIKE

VIII) UNDERSTAND THE OTHER

Chapter 15: SELF-ESTEEM IN THE RELATIONSHIP

I) VALIDATE THE OTHER PERSON

II) HOLD RESPONSIBILE W/O SHAME, BLAME, & FAULT

SPLIT MILK LEAVES NO STAINS

III) NO ABUSE ALLOWED

IV) SELFCARE

V) CHALLENGE / EXPECTATIONS VS. PUSH/DEMANDS

VI) APPROPRIATE PRAISE

POTENTIAL AND THE INNER FRAUD

VII) INTERNALIZED MOTIVATION

Chapter 16: COMMUNICATION AND BEHAVIOR

DOING THE HARD THING

SELF-ESTEEM & PERFECTION

CONCLUSION: 90 SECONDS A DAY

MESSAGES OF WORTH

A TRUFFLE a WEEK

Bibliography

Books by Ronald Mah

Biographic Information

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**Author's Note: Other than public figures or people identified in the media, all other persons in this book are either composites of individuals the author has worked with and/or have been given different names and had their personal identifying information altered to protect and respect their confidentiality.

INTRODUCTION: COMMUNICATIONS ORIENTED THERAPY

We have trouble communicating, says Terry looking over at Bert who nods in begrudging confirmation. Thus, begins the conversation of individual, couple, or family therapy. It could be something deeply personal within the family, but could also be a consultation about a relationship at school, work, or in the community such as in church or youth sports league. The relationship problem could be between the individual and a schoolmate, a work colleague, supervisor or supervisee, fellow parishioner, teammate, or other volunteer. The individual, one or both partners, or one or more family members present this self-assessment to the therapist and set the goal, I (or We) need help communicating better. Somehow how they see themselves and how they see one another does not reflect the images they desire. They implicitly request the accompanying strategy to heal or create intimate and/or more productive relationships. Therapist activity to help the individual, couple, or family communicate better is expected to create a healthy partnership or relationship. A relationship suffers if what is put out to another is not reflected back in kind or in affirmative esteem and relationship building manners. One's partner, prospective partner, or family member fails to be the desired mirror and give back the validation desired. Terry says that Bert seems intent on interpreting what she does and say in a negative way. For his part, Bert can cite chapter and verse of Terry's previous words and actions that have been dismissive or demeaning. There are distortions in the mirror mirror. Yet both readily affirm that the other is a good person and tries very hard to be a good parent. They both claim that they got together with the best intentions and it just did not work out. It was a mutual decision to divorce because it became clear to them that staying together was in no one's best interests- especially the children who would end up witnessing unhappy and resentful parents. They are both in committed new long-term relationships. There is no regret about their failed marital relationship. However, it is the co-parenting relationship that gets messed up they believe with their communication. It has to improve so they can co-parent effectively with the children they both cherish.

The client's assessment and recommended strategy appear to be confirmed by research. …the influence of communication on the quality of marriage and marital satisfaction has been extensively investigated. Research findings (Glick & Gross, 1975; Satir, 1964) emphasize the positive relationship between communication and good marital relationship. Evidence (Haynes, Chavez, & Samuel, 1984) also suggests an association between communication deficits and marital distress (Pollack, et al., 1989, page 620). Happily married spouses communicate enjoyable discourse more often and in various manners. They make higher quality caring gestures specific to spouses. These findings suggest that therapists who help distressed couples restore intimacy, attend to marital positivity, engage in higher quality caring gestures, and establish relationship-enhancing and positive partner-focused cognitions are likely to be the most efficacious (Langhinrichsen-Rohling, 1998, page 208). Distressed husbands who have aggressive behaviors towards wives do not use playful communication such as silly voices, baby talk, and special communication as often as distressed but non-aggressive spouses. One result of marital aggression could be less silly, childlike and trusting behavior between spouses. This type of communication may be a marker of intimacy. Alternatively, it may be that the lack of this type of relationship communication is one of the risk factors for the occurrence of H-to-W (Husband to Wife) violence (Langhinrichsen-Rohling, 1998, page 209). Playful communication is either an indicator or an outcome or poor relationship quality. The invitation to play is not mirrored and the enriching reciprocal cycle of reflected affection and interest is broken or never well established.

Poor communication skills in general may be reciprocally instrumental in emotional disorders and relationship problems. Depressed individuals tend to express less functional conflict communication (e.g., Christensen & Shenk, 1991; Heavy, Christensen, & Malamuth, 1995) and show less problem-solving behavior and more negative and disruptive communication (e.g., Christian, O'Leary, & Vivian, 1994; Jacobson, Dobson, Fruzetti, Schmaling, & Salusky, 1991). Numerous studies with a large variety of perspectives on communication have further demonstrated that maritally distressed couples can be differentiated from nondistressed couples by their communication style (e.g., Heavy, Larson, Zumtobel, & Christensen, 1996). This is particularly true for communication during conflict, with abundant evidence that interactions such as demand/withdrawal (a pattern in which one spouse avoids discussion while the other nags or complains) and mutual avoidance are associated with concurrent marital dissatisfaction (e.g., Caughlin & Huston, 2002; Heavy et al., 1996) (Heene et al., 2005, page 414).

Individual therapy often includes helping the individual express him or herself in therapy, but critically to the important people in his or her life. Couple or family therapy normally includes working with the partners or family members on communication and problem solving. This presumes that relationship problems are significantly due to difficulty resolving differences. Over the course of a relationship, there is potential for issues to arise and intensify. Terry and Bert's early idyllic relationship did not stand up well to the challenges of a mature relationship over time and children. Cramer (2003, page 86) reported a cross-sectional study in which the duration of romantic relationships was positively related to the frequency of differences of opinion over minor issues and the frequency of negative experiences in trying to resolve these differences. Observations of couples and as reported by couples both identify conflict resolution skills as indicative of positive relationships. The ability to negotiate differences is a fundamental relationship skill between one person and another- a person, his or her community or environment. Development of the ability to negotiate is essential both to survival and to the enhancement of the quality of life (Pizer and Pizer, 2006, page 76).

Virginia Satir's early work while at Mental Research Institute was considered to be a communication model. She emphasized people interacting with each other in a 'straight' manner (Banmen, 2002, page 17). Satir felt that people survive depending on communication of any form: verbal or non-verbal, conscious or unconscious. Clear, free-flowing communication is critical for conveying essential information among people. Many obstacles may prevent this: words and expressions have multiple denotations and connotations, individuals have different rules of generalization, abstraction, and deduction, one or both parties may lack the skills needed for asking for or giving the clarifications necessary for the avoidance of misunderstandings (Moore and Kramer, 1999, page 429-30). Communication is complicated because of differences between verbal and non-verbal communication. Contradictory messages cause challenges for the recipient of communication. An appropriate response to one part of a communication may be inappropriate for different co-existing but contradictory message also embedded in the communication. This especially harms children who have no skills (or habits, or motivation) to ask for clarification when they encounter double messages (Moore and Kramer, 1999, page 429-30). The harm often continues into adulthood especially in relationships when one or another person become confused about the intent of the one expressing him or herself.

Virginia Satir's process of change is a way to assist people in making choices that raise self-esteem, provide self-accountability or responsibility, and move a person toward being more congruent with self and others… Transformation within the change process, using the Satir model, is based on connecting people at the level of their yearnings, expectations, perceptions, and feelings (Satir, Banmen, Gerber, & Gamori, 1991). The result of that connection is seen in a person's ability to share, value, and accept themselves in making conscious, congruent choices. As we become more consciously congruent, we grow more whole, we are open to new discoveries, and we want to understand more. We seek out new opportunities to test what we do know, versus the judgment or misdirected advice of others. The search for the resources that people possess within themselves, as opposed to focusing on what 'should or could have been' brings us to the place of 'transformation.' The goal is not to eliminate what no longer works, but to add to what already exists to 'transform' the meaning and understanding of the entire event (Satir et al., 1991). The transformational change process is about having more, not because someone gave it to you, but because you uncovered the resource within you that is already sufficient. The goal is to change and transform the behavior, not to eliminate it. When we attempt to eradicate something in our lives, the physical and emotional cost is often very high, frequently resulting in people returning to a prior level of coping. Looking at change through this transformational lens, we can help people in the process of discovery, awareness building, and understanding, transforming their survival stances into more congruent ways of speaking their truth at that moment in time (Satir et al., 1991 (Sayles, 2002, page 94).

Transformation requires that it be experienced, felt, integrated, and practiced within the individual, couple, or family. As the individual is able to integrate new parts, it mitigates potential conflict in experiencing and developing his or her relationship with the new self that has self-esteem. The therapist takes a critical role in integration to consolidate important changes in perceptions, feelings, beliefs, and behaviors. New ways of feeling and experiencing oneself that were once odd and uncomfortable become progressively more comfortable and familiar. The therapist tries to get the individual, couple, or family to make choices in life without making choices for them. By supporting the individual and his or her choice, the therapist helps him or her stay in control. This therapeutic approach keeps them in charge of their lives and acknowledges the trust and willingness of the person to take risks, bringing us back once again to anchor the transformation that happened (Sayles, 2002, page 107). The individual, couple, or family take experiences in the change process and practice them as homework. It is important to integrate behavior and is critical to change. When the individual or the partners or family members collectively examine what they have experienced in therapy about change, they consider new possibilities. This practice increases self-esteem and value as they take away and use this new way of relating to themselves and to each other (Sayles, 2002, page 108). The therapist continually facilitates transformation by which the individual, couple, or family experiences at deep levels the possibility that they can control what is felt, believed, and experienced. Within the individual are older held memories that bring him or her to experience pain that can be felt again, and then adapted and currently re-integrated. The resultant individual, couple, or family have belief in self, raising self-esteem, and gain the knowledge that change is viable, as it has occurred. Transformational change happens as people embrace the pain of the past in the present and feel the difference in the core of their being. The process of transformation begins with a person, full of possibility, taking the risk 'to be more fully human'" (Sayles, 2002, page 109).

Satir's model has some fundamental beliefs that may be shared by various theories and by the therapist:

1. There is a strong belief that change is always possible, even if change can only take place inside of the person. These changes might include feelings, perceptions, and expectations.

2. Therapy sessions need to be experiential in order to bring about second level change. This involves a change in being, not only in doing or feeling.

3. The problem is not the problem; coping is the problem. Therefore, therapy focuses on improving one's coping instead of just solving one's problems.

4. Feelings belong to us and, therefore, we can learn to change them, manage them, and enjoy them.

5. Therapy sets positively directional goals and resolves the impact of negative experiences.

6. Therapy is systemic, both intrapsychically and interactively.

7. People have the resources they need to cope and grow. Therapy is one vehicle to harness these resources to help people change.

8. Most people choose familiarity over the discomfort or fear of change, especially during times of stress (Banmen, 2002, page 8).

When the therapist holds and conducts therapy from these beliefs, implicit and explicit affirmative messages come forth naturally to individuals in relationships. Confidence that change is possible comes through the therapist in numerous ways verbally and non-verbally- intentionally and unintentionally. Therapist confidence that the individual, couple, or family are capable, resourceful, and powerful is also communicated. The mindset of the therapist focuses on change in being rather than doing, clear goals, and on coping with problems, rather than the problems themselves. This gives further messages that therapy is purposeful. As with confidence in almost any theoretical orientation, the self-assured yet sensitive therapist communicates to the client a purposeful therapeutic container and process of therapy.

The Satir model focuses on three major areas for therapeutic intervention: the intrapsychic, the interactive, and the family-of-origin. Therapy may begin with a simple question to gain some description of important events, Well, tell me, what brings you here today? An individual may present his or her story of unhappiness and his or her hopes for therapy. The Satir model may differ from other orientations and initial session process, since it wants the story only to provide basic context for therapy. The therapist would then ask exploratory questions to reveal the internal- intrapsychic experience of the individual, his or her feelings, perceptions, expectations, and yearnings:

How do you feel right now?

How did you feel when your spouse left?

How did you express or handle your feelings?

How do you see yourself now that your wife left?

How do you see your partner now that he or she left you?

What other feelings are you aware of?

What hopes and expectations did you have of your marriage?

What did you possibly contribute to make the break up take place?

What deeper longings are you aware of?

An individual's answers begin to reveal his or her internal or intrapsychic experience. The therapist should then set goals related to the individual's internal experiences. The individual may want to feel better and more positive about him or herself and the relationship. There may be unfulfilled expectations and yearnings that have caused reactive negative feelings lately. There may be hope for self-forgiveness, self-love, and self-acceptance, including becoming able to appreciate accomplishments and a positive identity. The individual, couple, and/or family need to commit to goals. Now, the therapist helps the client to change whatever is in the way of experiencing some harmony, some self-worth, and some sense of accepting and empowering himself. He needs to resolve his disappointment, his possible guilt, his anger, hurt, and sadness. The focus, initially, is to work on the intrapsychic area before focusing on the interactive area of his life. Goals are positively directionally framed to provide the client with a focus for change (Banmen, 2002, page 9-11).

The second focus of the Satir model is the interactive domain. Some theoretical models, particularly behaviorally oriented