Insight Out: The 6 Personality Types That Hold the Key to Success in Your Life and Relationships

By Vann Joines, Ph.D.

Why do individuals and couples have such a difficult time understanding one another and getting along? Insight Out provides both the answer and the solution: 1) We have different Personality Adaptations, 2) We live in different worlds, 3) We think there is only one reality, and 4) We often hear other’s requests as criticism of ourselves. By understanding how we adapt in childhood to survive traumatic experiences and meet the expectations of those around us, we can discover how to change those adaptations now in order to create the life and relationships we most desire. Insight Out allows readers to discover their personality type and those of their family members and significant others and its impact on their relationships.

We are born helpless and powerless into a vast, mysterious, and often threatening world. Struggling to survive, we grope for ways to adapt to our surroundings. But with little knowledge and less power to manage our environment, we are likely to come up with primitive, imperfect responses to life’s stresses. Our childhood strategies, disguised as adult behavior, trail us throughout our lives, snowballing into an amalgam of unhappy relationships, short-circuited careers, and unfulfilled dreams. These tactics don’t work very well in adult life, but they are often all we know. Unless we learn more effective strategies, we’re headed for trouble.

Insight Out is about developing both an awareness of our maladaptive strategies and the emotional intelligence to change them. Insight Out offers a step-by-step program for changing our ineffective operating strategies into ones that allow us to become who we were meant to be.

Insight Out shows readers that they already have everything they need “inside.” Now, finally, with a book that merges clear theory with effective tools, readers will be able to cultivate their strengths in ways that change their lives on the outside.

There are six core personality adaptations, three that were developed for survival and three that were developed to perform in a way that met our caretakers’ expectations. Each personality adaptation has its own unique area (feeling, thinking, or behavior) for making contact with the world, an area that produces the most growth and change, and an area where individuals have the greatest defenses. Knowing this information allows us to relate to others in a way that quickly establishes rapport, produces mutual problem-solving, and avoids getting trapped in the other person’s defenses.

There is also a section on how to use a questionnaire that Dr. Joines has developed to access the adaptations, use the resulting profiles to determine what a couple’s relationship will look like, and use that information to make the positive changes they desire.

Insight Out looks in depth at how and why the adaptations develop, how they relate to other people and to problem-solving, and the positive and negative behaviors of each adaptation. The book is packed with engaging examples and vignettes as well as self-help exercises to assist readers in making desired changes. It makes explicit how the way we have adapted affects how we experience the world and perform in it. The insights available in this book enable us to know ourselves fully, to become the best that we can be, and to transform our relationships. “Few books give readers so much information to understand themselves and those they love. This book is a relationship treasure." Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., Co-Director of the Couples Institute.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Outskirts Press
• Release date: Nov 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9781977260093

Vann Joines, Ph.D.

Vann Joines, Ph.D. is a Clinical Psychologist and President and Director of the Southeast Institute for Group and Family Therapy, Chapel Hill, NC. He is an Internationally Acclaimed Teacher and Trainer in Psychotherapy, having taught and trained therapists in over 30 countries. Dr. Joines is a Certified Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst, a Diplomate in Redecision Therapy, and a Fellow and Approved Supervisor in the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy.”

Book preview

Advanced Praise for Insight Out:

In this beautifully written book, Vann Joines makes the complexity of the human personality and our relationships so clear and simple. His development of Personality Adaptations theory, based on Transactional Analysis, and his extensive experience as a psychotherapist, trainer, and teacher, give well researched insight into our earliest needs, strategies, and adaptations to survive. He shows, with engaging illustrations and examples, how each of us develops combinations of personality adaptations, how we relate to others and their personality adaptations, and how this affects how we experience and perform in the world. The insights available in this book enable us to know more of who we are, how to be the best that we can be, how to understand and transform our relationships, and how to co-create our lives with our partners so that we live with more success and vitality.

Adrienne Lee, Certified Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst; Director of The Berne Institute for Transactional Analysis, UK

"After many years of writing for psychotherapists and counsellors, Vann Joines draws on a lifetime of helping others to offer here a book for the lay reader, in which he describes how a combination of temperament, family, childhood and other lifelong influences shape us and make us the person we are.

If you like taxonomies (‘sorting into piles’!), you will love this well-written and thoughtful book. Joines describes how aspects of six basic ways of adapting to the world combine in individuals to create different personality types with characteristic ways of feeling, thinking and behaving. He describes their strengths and weaknesses, their patterns and preferences and, importantly, how they can live more fulfilled lives by maximizing their qualities and avoiding their pitfalls – especially in their relationships. There are chapters on understanding couple relationships and also on enhancing one’s own life.

Joines has a real talent for describing complex ideas and processes in an accessible and engaging way. The book is packed with examples and vignettes as well as some self-help exercises, and the personalities are analyzed incisively and yet with such compassion and naturalness that you never have to start feeling ashamed of your failings!

It would be a help if the reader has a grounding in transactional analysis, but if not, they should start with the Appendix where the author provides a very succinct overview of the major concepts."

Charlotte Sills, Certified Teaching and

Supervising Transactional Analyst

Professor of Coaching, Ashridge Business School.

Psychotherapist and supervisor in private practice, UK;

Co-Author of Transactional Analysi: A Relational Perspective, Routledge, 2002

In this informative book Vann Joines vividly portrays six personality adaptations that describe how individuals manage their lives. In  non-pathologizing  descriptions the author presents several stimulating examples of how people have used the concept of Personality Adaptations to change their behaviors and improve relationships. The book amalgamates a number of Transactional Analysis concepts into an effective model that can be used by every person to transform how they problem solve and engage in relationships.

Richard Erskine, Ph.D., Certified Teaching and Supervising Transactional Analyst and Licensed Psychoanalyst; Training Director of the Institute for Integrative Psychotherapy, Vancouver, Canada; Author of A Healing Relationship: Commentary on Therapeutic Dialogues, Phoenix Publishing House, 2021

By the same author:

TA Today: A New Introduction to Transactional Analysis, Second Edition

by Ian Stewart and Vann Joines

(Lifespace Publishing, Nottingham and Chapel Hill, 1987, 2012)

Personality Adaptations: A New Guide to Human Understanding in Psychotherapy and Counseling by Vann Joines and Ian Stewart

(Lifespace Publishing, Nottingham and Chapel Hill, 2002)

The Joines Personality Adaptations Questionnaire

by Vann Joines

(Southeast Institute for Group and Family Therapy, Chapel Hill, 2002)

The JPAQ Adminstrative, Scoring, and Interpretive Kit

by Vann Joines

(Southeast Institute for Group and Family Therapy, Chapel Hill, 2002)

Insight Out

The 6 Personality Types that Hold the Key to Success in Your Life and Relationships

All Rights Reserved.

Copyright © 2023 Vann Joines, Ph.D.

v5.0

The opinions expressed in this manuscript are solely the opinions of the author and do not represent the opinions or thoughts of the publisher. The author has represented and warranted full ownership and/or legal right to publish all the materials in this book.

This book may not be reproduced, transmitted, or stored in whole or in part by any means, including graphic, electronic, or mechanical without the express written consent of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Outskirts Press, Inc.

http://www.outskirtspress.com

ISBN: 978-1-9772-6009-3

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022906254

Cover Photo © 2023 www.gettyimages.com.

All rights reserved - used with permission.

Outskirts Press and the OP logo are trademarks belonging to Outskirts Press, Inc.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

To my wife, Chellie, who has taught me so much about successful relationships.

Acknowledgements:

I WANT TO thank my mentors Robert L. Goulding, MD and Mary M. Goulding, MSW who taught me how psychotherapy and personal change can be fun and exciting. I also want to thank Paul Ware, MD for originating the idea of personality adaptations and Taibi Kahler, Ph.D. for his many insights and contributions to the theory. I further want to thank my many clients, students, supervisees, and family who helped me discover so much about how people adapt. A very special thanks also goes to David Payne, Chellie Joines, Jessica D’Andrea, Jonathan Joines, Vann H. Joines, Adam Joines, Brittany Coleman, Rachel Gorman, Alison Sanderson, Dana Nelson and the other staff at Outskirts Press for all their help in bringing this book to publication.

Table of Contents

Part I Adaptation

Introduction

Chapter 1 – We Have Difficulty Understanding Each Other

We Have Different Personality Adaptations

We Don’t Live in the Same World

We Think There is Only One Reality

We Often Hear Other’s Requests as Criticism of Ourselves

Chapter 2 – The Personality Adaptation Model

Key Ideas of This Model

Adaptations Versus Disorders

Descriptive Features of the Six Adaptations

Chapter 3 – How the Adaptations Develop

Surviving Strategies

Underdone Parenting

Overdone Parenting

Inconsistent Parenting

Performing Strategies

Overcontrolling Parenting

Parenting that Overemphasizes Conformity and Achievement

Parenting that Overemphasizes Pleasing Others

Chapter 4 – The Assessing Matrix and How the Personality Adaptations Function in Relation to Other People and to Problem-Solving

Exercise

Part II The Personality Adaptations in Depth

Chapter 5 – The Creative Daydreamer

Meet John

General Description

Childhood Development, Parenting Style, and Early Messages

The Creative-Daydreamer on the Assessing Matrix

Personality Structure

Rackets and Games

Scripts

Contact Doors

How Best to Interact with a Creative Daydreamer

A Creative Daydreamer and Their Relationships

Relationship with Other Adaptations

Chapter 6 – The Charming Manipulator

Meet Crystal

General Description

Childhood Development, Parenting Style, and Early Messages

The Charming Manipulator on the Assessing Matrix

Personality Structure

Rackets and Games

Script

Contact Doors

How Best to Interact with a Charming Manipulator

A Charming Manipulator and Their Relationships

Relationship with Other Adaptations

Chapter 7 – The Brilliant Skeptic

Meet Natalie

General Description

Childhood Development, Parenting Style, and Early Messages

The Brilliant Skeptic on the Assessing Matrix

Personality Structure

Rackets and Games

Script

Contact Doors

How to Best Interact with a Brilliant Skeptic

A Brilliant Skeptic and Their Relationships

Relationship with Other Adaptations

Chapter 8 – The Playful Resister

Meet Ravi

General Description

Childhood Development, Parenting Style, and Early Messages

The Playful Resister on the Assessing Matrix

Personality Structure

Rackets and Games

Script

Contact Doors

How Best to Interact with a Playful Resister

A Playful Resister and Their Relationships

Relationship with Other Adaptations

Chapter 9 – The Responsible Workaholic

Meet Jamal

General Description

Childhood Development, Parenting Style, and Early Messages

The Responsible Workaholic on the Assessing Matrix

Personality Structure

Rackets and Games

Script

Contact Doors

How Best to Interact with a Responsible Workaholic

A Responsible Workaholic and Their Relationships

Relationship with Other Adaptations

Chapter 10 – The Enthusiastic-Overreactor

Meet Anisha

General Description

Childhood Development, Parenting Style and Early Messages

The Enthusiastic-Overreactor on The Assessing Matrix

Personality Structure

Rackets and Games

Script

Contact Doors

How to Best Interact with an Enthusiastic Overreactor

An Enthusiastic Overreactor and Their Relationships

Relationship with Other Adaptations

Chapter 11 – Barely Surviving, Doggedly Surviving, or Fully Thriving?

Chapter 12 – Combinations of Adaptations

Creative Daydreamer and Enthusiastic Overreactor

Creative Daydreamer and Responsible Workaholic

Creative Daydreamer and Brilliant Skeptic

Creative Daydreamer and Playful Resister

Creative Daydreamer and Charming Manipulator

Charming Manipulator and Enthusiastic Overreactor

Charming Manipulator and Responsible Workaholic

Charming Manipulator and Brilliant Skeptic

Charming Manipulator and Playful Resister

Brilliant Skeptic and Enthusiastic Overreactor

Brilliant Skeptic and Responsible Workaholic

Brilliant Skeptic and Playful Resister

Additional Adaptations

Chapter 13 – Measuring Your Adaptations

Consider Harry and Emily

Part III Put Your Best Self Forward

Chapter 14 – Let Go of the Negative Sides of Your Adaptations and Utilize the Positive

How Did We Get Where We Are?

Creative Daydreamer

Resources and Possible Pitfalls

Important Areas of Growth

Charming Manipulator

Resources and Possible Pitfalls

Important Areas of Growth

Brilliant Skeptic

Resources and Possible Pitfalls

Important Areas for Growth

Playful Resister

Resources and Possible Pitfalls

Important Areas for Growth

Responsible Workaholic

Resources and Possible Pitfalls

Important Areas of Growth

Enthusiastic Overreactor

Resources and Possible Pitfalls

Important Areas for Growth

Exercise

Chapter 15 – Transform Your Relationships

Remember John and Natalie?

Crystal and Vicky

Ravi and Ahmed

Jamal and Clarissa

Anisha and Rian

Some of the More Difficult Relationship Combinations

A Creative Daydreamer and an Enthusiastic Overreactor

A Brilliant Skeptic and an Enthusiastic Overreactor

A Responsible Workaholic and a Playful Resister

A Charming Manipulator and a Brilliant Skeptic

A Charming Manipulator and a Creative Daydreamer

Chapter 16 – Reclaim Your True Self

Closing Thoughts

Appendix A – Brief Theory of Transactional Analysis

References

About the Author

PART I

ADAPTATION

Introduction

IN MY 50 plus years as a psychotherapist, teacher, and supervisor of other therapists, my search for the most effective ways to help people change has been guided by two primary questions: 1) Why do people behave as they do? and 2) What is the most effective way to help people change unwanted behaviors in themselves and their relationships?

I have found that the best answers to those questions come from knowing about how we adapt our personality in childhood. We choose certain behaviors to survive both physically and psychologically and to meet the demands of our parents and other early authority figures. Adaptation simply means how we adjust our behavior to get along well in our environment.

Having previously written a book for professionals with co-author, Ian Stewart, about the personality adaptations (Joines and Stewart, 2002), I decided to write this book for the general public so that they might benefit from this information as well.

In this book, you will discover your own personality adaptations and those of your family members and friends, the positive and negative aspects of these adaptations, why you get along well with certain people and have conflicts with others, how you can relate best with each adaptation, and how you can make the changes in yourself that you want in order to have the kind of life and relationships you desire.

Our Early Experience

We are born helpless and powerless into a vast, mysterious, and often threatening world. Struggling to survive, we grope for ways to adapt to our surroundings. But with little knowledge and less power to manage our environment, we are likely to come up with primitive, imperfect responses to life’s stresses. These responses are based on our physical and emotional needs (the need to be fed, held, consoled, seen, heard, protected, validated, loved, etc.) and instinct. They represent the best options we have available at the time. They also make good sense given the way we are interpreting things from our limited child perspective. But unless we learn more effective strategies later, whether from supportive families and communities or through therapy, we’re headed for trouble. Our childhood strategies, disguised as adult behavior, negatively influence us throughout our lives, snowballing into an amalgam of unhappy relationships, short-circuited careers, and unfulfilled dreams. While they enabled us to survive in childhood, these tactics