Lovedecisions: A Dad Talks With His Daughter About Lasting Relationships

By Donald R. Harvey

To a little girl, a dad always seems to have the right answer to everything. He knows how to tie shoelaces, build tree houses, and catch fireflies. But as little girls grow up, the challenges begin to change. As these little girls grow into independent young women, questions about love, relationships, and marriages prevail. Combining letters to his daughter Paige with his sound principles as a seasoned marriage therapist, Donald Harvey's new book strikes the perfect balance between a dad's caring thoughts and a professional's wise insights.

Throughout the book, the author tenderly discusses several issues and considerations that young women should keep in mind as they date and seek to develop lasting and healthy relationships. Topics include:

• Some people aren't marriage material.
• Is this relationship making me a better person?
• True intimacy: God's best for your sex life
• Am I settling for less than I deserve?
• When should a relationship be broken?

The perfect gift for any daughter, lovedecisions encourages young women to embrace who they are and seek out the partner that they deserve.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Thomas Nelson
• Release date: Jun 3, 2003
• ISBN: 9781418516291

Book preview

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lovedecisions

lovedecisions

A father talks with his daughter

about lasting relationships

Dr. Donald Harvey

Lovedecision_0003_001

LOVEDECISIONS © 2003 Donald R. Harvey. All rights reserved. No portion of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, photocopy, recording, or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the publisher.

Published by W Publishing Group, a Division of Thomas Nelson, Inc., P. O. Box 141000, Nashville, Tennessee 37214.

Unless otherwise indicated, Scripture verses are quoted from the Revised Standard Version of the Bible, copyright © 1952 (2nd edition, 1971) by the Division of Christian Education of the National Council of the Churches of Christ in the USA. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Other Scripture passages are from the following sources:

The King James Version of the Bible (KJV).

The Holy Bible, New International Version (NIV). Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zon-dervan Bible Publishers.

The New American Standard Bible (NASB), © 1960, 1977 by the Lockman Foundation.

The New English Bible (NEB), copyright © 1961, 1970, The Delegates of the Oxford University Press and the Syndics of the Cambridge University Press, Tyndale House, Cambridge, United Kingdom.

Names of persons and details of their stories shared in this volume have been changed to protect their privacy. Some illustrations are composites.

We went from zero to love in nothin’ flat in chapter 5 is from the song Love Happens Like That by Aaron G. Baerker Sr., Anthony Smith, Ron Harbin, copyright 1997. Blind Sparrow Music/BMI (admin. by ICG)/O-Tex Music/BMI/Kim Williams Music/ASCAP/Sony/Cross Keys Publishing Co., Inc./ASCAP/Notes to Music/ASCAP/Maverick Music/ASCAP. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Harvey, Donald R. (Donald Reid), 1948–

lovedecisions : a father talks with his daughter about lasting relationships / Donald Harvey.

p. cm.

ISBN 0-8499-1793-X (hardcover)

1. Man–woman relationships. 2. Man–woman relatinships—Religious aspects— Christianity. 3. Love. 4. Love—Religious aspects—Christianity. I. Title: Father talks with his daughter about lasting relationships. II. Title.

HQ801.H3523 2003

306.7–dc21

2003004636

Printed in the United States of America

03 04 05 06 07 BVG 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

To Jan and Paige,

the two women in my life.

Each in her own way has

taught me the meaning of love –

and to love deeply.

Contents

Introduction: The Story of lovedecisions

1. Dear Paige

PART 1: WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT LOVE

BEFORE YOU GET STARTED

2. You Will Have to Leave Home

3. What Is Will Be

4. Some People Aren’t Marriage Material

5. Experience Every Season Together

6. Everybody Brings Something to Marriage

PART 2: SIX QUESTIONS YOU NEED TO ASK

ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP

7. Are Things Getting Better—for Me and for Us?

8. Is Control an Issue?

9. Is This a Mutual Relationship?

10. Are We Able to Deal with Our Conflicts?

11. Is He Mr. Right, or Am I Settling for Less Than I Deserve?

12. Am I Number One?

PART 3: WHEN THINGS AREN’T GOING WELL

13. When Should a Relationship End?

14. Breaking Up Is Hard to Do

PART 4: THE SPIRITUAL SIDE OF

LOVE AND RELATIONSHIPS

15. Be What You Want to Find

16. True Intimacy: God’s Best for Your Sex Life

17. Dear Dad

Introduction: The Story of lovedecisions

IN A REAL SENSE, I’ve been talking to my daughter, Paige, about love and lasting relationships for almost twenty-five years. Every time I kissed her mother, Jan, or apologized to Jan when something I had said needlessly hurt her feelings, or gave up something that was important to me so that Jan could have or do something that was important to her, or risked the safety found in keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself by disclosing something personal and private, or shared Jan’s times of both joy and pain—every time I did these things, I was talking to Paige about love. For good or bad, nothing has spoken louder to Paige than my marriage to her mother.

And every time I was there for Paige—whether in sacrificing my needs for hers or in listening to her stories, really hearing what she was trying to say, understanding that she was different than I and appreciating it, respecting her as a person of worth uniquely created and loved by God, bringing her to His throne—every time I did these things, I was talking to Paige about love. In these ways, I have modeled love to Paige for many years. This has affected not only who she is but who she will seek as her mate. I’m a therapist. I know things like this. I also know my influence has not ended just because Paige is all grown up now. Developmentally, Paige is at a place now—more than ever before—where my words, and not just my life, can also be of influence.

I realize that not everyone is able to respond to words in the same manner. Sometimes our ability to hear is impacted by who is doing the talking. So I have to ask myself, Have I earned the right by deed to say what needs to be said? At other times, our ability to hear is impacted by our own level of emotional well-being.We are created as both intellectual and emotional beings—we think and we feel. As such, there is a ratio combining these two aspects that depicts our ability to listen. Those of us who function with a big I and a little e (I/e)—the rational folks—seem to benefit most from hearing words. And those of us who function with a big E and a little i (E/i)—the emotionally driven folks—benefit least from them. But no matter where we fall in these ratios, none of us is completely beyond the influence of words.

I haven’t been perfect as a husband or a father, but I believe I’ve earned the right to say some things about love and what it takes to successfully build a lasting relationship. And although Paige has already made the break from youth to adulthood, she is still in the process of making what I call lovedecisions. She is ready to listen. In this book I share the things I want to say, but more importantly, these are the crucial things I want Paige—and other young women who are considering lifetime relationships— to know about love.

SOME UNIQUE FEATURES OF THIS BOOK

Lovedecisions is like no other book I have written and has several unique qualities. The title itself is unusual. Obviously, lovedecisions is not a real word. Every time I type it into the computer a red squiggly line appears under it, alerting me to my typo. But it so captures the essence, challenge, and task of the single young-adult state that it just leapt off the page as I was writing it. So I have kept it. This book is written for those in the lovedecisions phase of life.

Another unique quality is the amount of time I have been working on this book. It has required seven years to complete. I began writing lovedecisions, and involving Paige in the editing process, when she left for college. There were things I wanted her to know about love, and this was a way for me to say them. I continued writing as she took the next adult step and entered the world of work and career.

During those seven years, she has dated several young men— some seriously, some not. If you could see how beautiful she is, you would understand why! But that is as it should be; we learn a lot in relationships, both short and long. Jokingly, I have accused Paige of keeping me in content. As of this writing, she is still in the lovedecisions phase—still single and unattached, and still making good decisions about love.

Finally, most books are not written with e-mails preceding each chapter. I have chosen to use the e-mails for two reasons: I wanted to quickly and succinctly identify the focus of each chapter, and this was a way of doing that. But also, I wanted to bring a little warmth to the content of the chapters that follow.

Paige and I have grown closer as we have discussed her relationships and developed this book.Of course, the names and circumstances have been altered to protect the privacy of the people who have been Paige’s friends and acquaintances over the years. But other than that, these e-mails are composites of actual communications we have had. Sometimes we talked by phone, sometimes through e-mail, and sometimes face to face on those occasions when she was either home from school or I had made arrangements to travel through Oklahoma on business. More recently, as she has become a career woman in Nashville, we have had opportunities to share lunch or dinner. These have become precious times in a dad’s life. I will be forever indebted for what being a dad to Paige has meant to me.

Dr. Donald Harvey

1

Dear Paige

To: [e-mail]

From: [e-mail]

Subject: You’re growing up!

Dear Paige,

You have been such a bright spot in my life. I’ve watched you grow from an infant totally dependent upon your mother and me for your every need to a beautiful young woman whose life seems to be defined by the term independent. This experience has been both emotional and educational for me. We have laughed together—and cried. And, of course, there is that special bond we share—the love of a good spy movie.

Think of all of the things I would have missed if you hadn’t been in my life. There’s been that progressive movement in transportation— from trikes to bikes to cars. Teaching you to drive was an experience I will never forget (and one that I would not want to repeat!). Our family vacations and trips have given me a second childhood. Your love of the sun and water has taken me to three coasts. We’ve picked up seashells, watched the whales, and dodged surfers together. Then there were the extracurricular activities—the lessons and recitals and watching you cheerlead. And can we forget my introduction to the world of acting when supporting you in your modeling career led me to being a part of a television commercial? Most importantly, I would have missed out on all your love—progressively expressed from Daddy, I love you so much to Dad, you’re the bomb and most recently to Dad, I respect you more than you know.

It seemed like you would always be my little girl—always looking to me for advice, always wanting me to help you accomplish something. But time has a way of crushing our fantasies. Now I cry just watching television commercials that end with the father giving his daughter away at her wedding. I know one day that will be me. I don’t think I’m ready yet . . .

I remember when you first started to date— at least, the official dates—when the boys came by the house and actually picked you up versus your meeting by chance at the mall. Being a marriage and family therapist, I know how to make people feel at ease, and I also know how to make them feel uncomfortable. I wanted to meet each young man in person—and was never very interested in making him feel at ease. It was OK with me if your dates always felt a little intimidated.

All of that changed when you left for college. Your mother told me one day, You know, you’re going to have to be nicer to the boys Paige dates from now on. Each one could be a potential son-in-law.

I knew what she was saying. The game had changed. You had done more than graduate from high school. You had moved into the time in your life when your list of special people would include more than just your family; you had moved into the time for making lovedecisions. The importance of your dating relationships had been kicked up a notch. Each new guy was now a potential husband.

This is an important time in your life. The relationships you enter now are more significant. Your decisions are more lasting. When you were younger, I had more influence on the decisions you made. You were my little girl. Though a part of that will never change, you are almost totally on your own now.

Paige, I love you very much, and I have a lot of