Ep. 23 – Gage, Age 9: Getting pushed around at recess | Play fighting versus real fighting Gage wonders what to do about a kid who throws him to the ground at recess.Scroll down for discussion questions, a transcript, and how to submit your child's question.Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER, DrFriendtastic.substack.com, to get episodes sent to your email plus Q&A posts for parents.SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTICAdults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:1) their FIRST NAME (or another name),2) their AGE, and3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your childHave you ever had someone be physically too rough with you? What happened? How did you respond? How do you feel about play fighting? Why do you think some kids like it? Why do you think some kids don’t like it?Why is it important to be able to tell the difference between play fighting and real fighting? What do you think are the main differences?Why might social control (using the group’s disapproval to reign someone in) be an effective way to deal with someone who is being too rough?Why is it important to tell a trusted grown-up if someone bigger, stronger, tougher, or more socially powerful than you is picking on you? If you were being bullied, who would you tell? TRANSCRIPTHi, there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.Here’s today’s question:Hi, my name is Gage. I'm 9 years old and there was a boy at my school that used to bully me at recess all the time. He used to throw me around. He used to throw me all the way to the ground, and he was not being cool, and I would love to ask you how I should handle it. Hi, Gage. I’m so sorry to hear you went through that! Being thrown to the ground sounds very scary! And having it happen often? Oof. I bet you dreaded recess! Sometimes, when kids get picked on, they blame themselves and think “If I were more this or less that, they wouldn’t pick on me!” I’m glad you understand that the other kid was not being cool. It’s not OK for anyone to treat you like that. If this kid was bigger, stronger, tougher, or more socially powerful than you, then yes, you’re right: It was bullying. I wish someone had stepped in to keep you safe.I want to talk more broadly about the difference between play fighting and real fighting. Play fighting is sometimes called rough-and-tumble play, horseplay, or roughhousing.  It’s different than real fighting: * In play fights, kids are smiling and having a good time; in real fights, they’re angry or crying. * In play fights, kids take turns “attacking” and being “attacked” and they’re careful not to push or hit too hard. In real fights, the kids are trying to hurt each other. * Play fights often involve a whole group of kids, who like each other and continue to play together. Real fights usually involve only two kids, and they don’t want to be together afterward.Some kids enjoy play fighting. Both boys and girls. They like the challenge of testing their strength and feeling powerful. They might also enjoy pretending to be superheroes or good guys and bad guys.But about four out of every ten boys say they don’t like play fighting, and that’s absolutely fine. There are plenty of other ways to play together. So, what can you do in your situation?First, decide if what’s happening is play fighting or real fighting. If it’s play fighting, and the other kid is friendly, you can say, “This isn’t fun for me. Let’s do something else.” If the oth