Ep. 13 – Mara, Age 9: Friend doesn’t want her to have other friends. | Dealing with an Octopus Friend________Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER, DrFriendtastic.substack.com, to get episodes sent to your email plus posts for parents. Scroll down for discussion questions and a transcript.SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTICAdults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:1) their FIRST NAME,2) their AGE, and3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your childWhy do you think it’s important to speak up if you hear someone say something mean about your friend? What would you do if you heard someone say something mean about a kid you don’t know well? What would you do if the mean comments were about a kid you know but don’t like?What, if anything, have you learned at school about race and racism? What have you learned about those topics from adult family members?Do you think it matters whether someone said a racist comment on purpose, trying to be hurtful, versus saying it without realizing the comment is hurtful? Why or why not?How do you know when it’s important to talk to an adult about mean or racist comments versus handling the situation yourself?TRANSCRIPTWelcome, I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.Let’s listen to today’s question:Hi, my name is Mara, I’m 9 years old, and my question is: What do we do when a friend wants to keep me all to themselves? Thank you Hi, Mara, that’s a very important question. Thanks for sending it in! Your friend is being what I call an “Octopus Friend.” She’s squeezing you so tightly that it makes you want to get away. Now, we always want to try to imagine things from the other person’s point of view because that helps us to make wise and kind choices. Why do you think your friend wants to keep you all to herself? My guess is that she’s scared of losing you as a friend. Maybe it’s hard for her to make friends, and she really doesn’t have other options of people to play with. That would make the idea of losing you very scary to her. She doesn’t want to be all alone. I can understand that!Maybe there’ve been some changes in your relationship that make her feel less confident about your friendship.Maybe the two of you are doing different activities, so you have less in common, or you’ve been extra busy, so you haven’t spent as much time together as you used to. Maybe you’ve made some new friends, and she’s feeling sad and left behind.Here’s something that happens often in friendships: people sometimes do things, because they’re scared, that bring about exactly what they’re scared of. So, in this case, your friend is probably sensing that you want to move away from her, so she clings more tightly to you, but that makes you want to move away more, which makes her want to cling more, and so on.So, what should you do? It might be tempting to yell at her and say, “Go away! You’re annoying! Leave me alone!” It’s understandable that you would want space if your friend is clinging tightly, but expressing your feelings in that way would be very hurtful. Assuming you still want to be friends with her–just not squished by her–one option could be to include her when you play with other kids. That lets you build your other friendships without hurting her. It also might make your friend feel like she has more friends, which could make her less scared about losing you.Another possibility is to talk to your friend and tell her how much you like her AND