Ep. 28 – Avni, Age 11: Being unfairly targeted by a friend’s anger | Dealing with spill-over anger. Avni asks what to do when a friend is angry about someone or something else but takes it out on her.Scroll down for discussion questions, a transcript, and how to submit your child's question.Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER, DrFriendtastic.substack.com, to get episodes sent to your email plus Q&A posts for parents.ENTER THE CONTESTTake a photo of your cat or dog with a (real) copy of my new, funny, and useful book, Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions about Friends and Other Kids (for ages 6-12). Post it on social media with the hashtag #GrowingFeelings. Winners will receive fun pet toys!SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTICAdults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:1) their FIRST NAME (or another name),2) their AGE, and3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your childHave you ever felt like a second-choice friend? How did you handle it? Do you think it’s possible to be good friends with someone if they like someone else more than they like you? Why or why not?Has a friend ever told you that they feel left out or jealous of your other friend? How did you respond?What does “all-or-nothing thinking” mean, when it comes to friendship? Why is it not a good idea?Saying, “You’re mean!” is not a good way to encourage someone to be kinder to you. Why do you think kids sometimes accuse friends of being mean? What are some better ways to communicate so your friends will want to listen when you tell them about a problem?TRANSCRIPTHi, there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.Here’s today’s question:Hi, My name is Avni, and I’m 11-years old. What if my friend is very angry about something, and she lets all her anger on me and my other close friend? What will I do? Hi, Avni. Thanks for sending in your question! That’s such an interesting issue! On the one hand, you care about your friend and want to support her. On the other hand, it sure doesn’t feel good to have a friend lashing out at you, just because she’s mad at someone or something else!A lot of people think that if they feel angry, they have to “let it out.” Research says this is absolutely and completely wrong! Just lashing out at whoever’s around? That’s not helpful, and it’s not kind. So learn from your friend’s example, and try not to take your anger out on others. That doesn’t help anyone feel better, and it could make the situation much worse! Okay, but how can you respond to spill-over anger, when your friend unfairly takes her anger out on you? Try hard not to be mean back to her! You don’t want to get into a contest of who can be meaner! That never ends well!Maybe you did something very tiny or even neutral, but your friend had a big reaction to it. Depending on what you did that triggered her reaction, you might want to apologize–I’m sure you weren’t trying to annoy your friend–but then you might want to comment on her reaction to try to understand it.You could say, “You seem very upset about this. Is something else going on?”Maybe she’ll explain what the real problem is, and you can offer support or comfort. My guess is that’s what she really wants from you.Or maybe she’ll continue to yell at you. If that happens, you could say something like, “I don’t like being yelled at” or “I don’t like how you’re treating me right now” or “I’ll talk to you when you’re feeling calmer.” Then