Ep. 7 – Emma, age 11: Friend is a poor sport | Choosing how to respond to a frustrating friend________Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER drfriendtastic.substack.com to get episodes sent to your email.Scroll down for discussion questions and a transcript.SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTICAdults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:1) their FIRST NAME,2) their AGE, and3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)Email the audio file to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your child- Why do you think kids sometimes have trouble handling winning and losing? What have you found useful to comfort yourself when you lose a game?- Have you ever had the experience of being the “worst” player in a game? How did you feel? What did you do?- Do you have a friend who has a habit you find annoying? How have you handled that?- Has anyone ever told you that something you do is annoying or frustrating? What happened? How did you respond?- Why do you think a one-on-one conversation about a problem is likely to go better than a whole group confronting someone about what they’re doing wrong?TRANSCRIPTHi, there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.Here’s today’s question:Hi, I’m Emma, and I’m 11 years old, When my friends and I are playing tag or a game like that, one of my friends always quits the game when it's their turn to be it or be the tagger. When we choose someone else to be the tagger, she rejoins the game, and it's so frustrating! If I was an emoji when this happens, I'd be the frustrated one.Hi, Emma, thanks for your question! Clearly, your friend is not being a good sport: She likes to play tag with all of you, but she bows out when it’s her turn to be “it.” That sounds very frustrating! I wonder why it’s so uncomfortable for your friend to be “it”. This may be one of those situations where we’re not going to be able to solve the problem unless we understand your friend’s point of view. At a neutral time, when it’s just the two of you, so she doesn’t feel ganged up on, you could try saying to your friend, “I’ve noticed you really hate being the tagger when we play tag. How come?” Make sure your tone is curious, not critical. You’re not scolding or arguing; you’re just trying to understand what she’s thinking.Is your friend the slowest runner in your group? It may be that she’s afraid if she becomes the tagger she won’t be able to catch any of the rest of you, and she’ll be stuck as the tagger. If that’s the case, you might be able to solve the problem by adjusting the rules of the game. Maybe you could make a rule that the tagger can ask for a helper if they’re feeling tired or frustrated.Another possibility is to create an extra way to stop being the tagger, besides catching someone. Maybe  the tagger could get done with their turn by touching four specific things on the playground. You can all decide together what those four things are. Trying to understand your friend’s concerns, and adjusting the rules to address those, could make it easier for your friend to handle being the tagger. You could also decide to play a different game when she’s around to avoid the problem.There’s another option for solving this: you could decide just to accept that this is the way your friend is right now. Quitting a game of tag as soon as you’re “it” is not the right way to play the game. But a lot of kids have trouble learning to handle winning and losing. Maybe your friend just needs some growing-up time. If your friend is usually a nice kid b