Ep. 26 – Abigail, Age 10: Feeling like a second-choice friend | Friendship doesn’t have to be all or nothingAbigail wonders what to do when her two friends would rather play with each other than with her.Scroll down for discussion questions, a transcript, and how to submit your child's question.Like the podcast? Check out my books and webinars at EileenKennedyMoore.com. Subscribe to my NEWSLETTER, DrFriendtastic.substack.com, to get episodes sent to your email plus Q&A posts for parents.ENTER THE CONTESTTake a photo of your cat or dog with a (real) copy of my new, funny, and useful book, Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions about Friends and Other Kids (for ages 6-12). Post it on social media with the hashtag #GrowingFeelings. Winners will receive fun pet toys!SUBMIT A QUESTION TO DR. FRIENDTASTICAdults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:1) their FIRST NAME (or another name),2) their AGE, and3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)Submit the question at DrFriendtastic.com/podcast or email it to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)THINK ABOUT IT QUESTIONS to discuss with your childHave you ever felt like a second-choice friend? How did you handle it? Do you think it’s possible to be good friends with someone if they like someone else more than they like you? Why or why not?Has a friend ever told you that they feel left out or jealous of your other friend? How did you respond?What does “all-or-nothing thinking” mean, when it comes to friendship? Why is it not a good idea?Saying, “You’re mean!” is not a good way to encourage someone to be kinder to you. Why do you think kids sometimes accuse friends of being mean? What are some better ways to communicate so your friends will want to listen when you tell them about a problem?TRANSCRIPTWelcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.Here’s today’s question.My name is Abigail, and I’m 10. My two friends are really good friends, and I think I'm one of their friends, but when one of my friends is not there, and they're like they're sick or something, that friend just hangs out with me so much. But then, once that friend gets better, they just start hanging out with each other, and I don't know, but I just don't exist anymore. ‘Cuz it feels like they're only hanging out with me because like, “Oh, this person is gone, so I’m just going to hang out with this girl cuz she's the best I can get!”Hi, Abigail. Thanks for sending in your question! Ouch! That stings to feel like your friends only want to hang out with you when they don’t have better options! But let’s be careful here: You’re assuming you know what your friends are thinking and feeling–that you’re a second-choice friend, and they don’t really care about you–but you may not be right. It’s possible that the other two girls are closer friends with each other than they are with you. Maybe they live closer together so they see each other more often, or they do some activity together that you don’t do, or they’ve known each other longer, or they just have a very special bond. But just because they have a special connection doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. The fact that you have a good time with these girls one-on-one, and they want to be with you a lot when their other buddy isn’t around, suggests to me that they do like you!Now, you have a few options about how to handle this situation. One option is you could talk to each girl about the situation and ask for what you want them to do. Obviously, you don’t want to say, “You’re mean! You always dump me when your other friend is there!” That’s not going to get the response you want. Instead, you cou