Regressed Memories: Recovered

By Olivia Wolf

This book is about my young adult life when I fell in love and then witnessed something so tragic to me that I blocked it out of my memory. Later in life, through the use of “triggers” my memory was restored.

• Language: English
• Publisher: iUniverse
• Release date: Apr 11, 2024
• ISBN: 9781663258052

Olivia Wolf

The author grew up in a small town in North Dakota into a very poor family. She had a disabling condition with her legs and they could not afford a doctor so they had to use the state institional doctor to treat her legs. It was very effective and she went on to live a full life.

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Copyright © 2023 Olivia Wolf.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

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Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Getty Images are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

Certain stock imagery © Getty Images.

ISBN: 978-1-6632-3714-9 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-6632-5805-2 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2023921882

iUniverse rev. date:  04/05/2024

CONTENTS

Acknowledgements

Foreword

Chapter 1 The night of the outrageous party in high school

Chapter 2 Meeting Sean

Chapter 3 Sean and I in Love

Chapter 4 Seeing Sean at the Dance

Chapter 5 Recalling Sean’s Accident

Chapter 6 The Night I Spent With Sean

Chapter 7 The Rest of the Story, Everything I remembered

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS

A very special thank you to Kara Tollerud for helping in the editing process. Without her, this would not have been a reality.

FOREWORD

This book is a compilation of my memories of the love of my life. I didn’t always have these memories it was only through a process of seeing and hearing triggers of what I said and did during the times we were together that I began to remember the events. Most of these events occurred in the 80’s. I began to process them in the 90’s; finishing most of the work by 1995. The material is so emotionally charging for me I wasn’t able to look at it for years. But I have finally gotten down on paper in book form.

It still amazes me that an event can happen and I can participate fully and then not remember any of it later. Once the triggers became so strong and so many at a time I began to remember the memories I had regressed.

The process of triggering my memory caused me to quit two jobs. The stress of the memories were more than I could handle and perform in a professional position. I still can’t work professionally and as a result I live below the poverty line. Despite all I have been through, I would do it all over again just to have what I have today.

My hope is that these random memories shed some light to someone else going through the process of remembering forgotten events.

The first chapter is a memory of a night I had in high school. After that night when I couldn’t remember anything about it I thought it was because I drank so much alcohol. I have since come to realize that the events were so disturbing to me that I was probably in a state of shock and could not recall the night because of this. This was actually a planned event; whereby the men were wanting to test me to see if I was developmentally delayed from the time I was at the state school as a child. Sean wasn’t actually there, I was just so drunk and the man looked a lot like Sean that I thought that was who he was. To this day I don’t know who they were.

The subsequent chapters are about a man that I dated in high school, who I still love today. Some years later we met up in an apartment complex we would talk for hours in the laundry room. Because the scenarios were so much the same I don’t know on what night what was said or in what order. I have written it in free association style.

CHAPTER 1

T here was a party at an empty farmhouse nine miles south of town. It was a Friday night in the Fall of 1976. I drank two bottles of wine and a pint of Southern Comfort. I went to the back of house to go to the bathroom and fell down in the weeds and passed out. I heard someone calling my name and got up and went into the kitchen. A guy was kneeling on the floor, and he asked where I was, they were looking for you.

I said, I had passed out in the weeds.

I asked what he was sitting on, and he showed me that he was on his legs.

And I said, I needed something to sit on. He patted his knee and I sat on it.

I asked what he was drinking, and he said tequila sunrise. I drank it and spilled some and said I had been spilling all night. A guy came and stood behind him against the cupboard. He had a beard and was wearing a black and red checked jacket. Another guy came walking in and stopped and looked at the other guy. He had a briefcase.

I said, What is this. I’m surrounded by a bunch of beards and pointed to Sam and said, that really isn’t a beard."

The guy I was sitting with asked if I liked beards and I said, I didn’t know. He asked if I wanted to touch it. I touched it and the guy at the cupboard leaned over and I touched his beard and I said, they were both scratchy. He asked if I wanted to kiss it and I said NO!

Another guy walked in, and I asked. What is he doing here, doesn’t he go home on the weekends anymore? Everyone went upstairs. I went upstairs and sat down in the circle.

Lori asked if I knew that guy and pointed to the guy in the red checked jacket. I said, No.

She said, Oh come on think, who does he look like,

I said, I don’t know; he looks like a deer hunter.

She kept egging me on and finally said it’s Sean.

I said, No, it isn’t. I don’t know who he is, but he’s not Sean. Someone said why not. I said, Sean didn’t have a beard.

Lori said, He grew one.

I said, OK if you’re Sean let me see your driver’s license.

He looked at the guy next to him and me and said, I’m not going to show you my driver’s license.

I said, Then you’re not Sean.

He said, Why?

I said, Because if you were Sean, you would show me your license.

Lori said, Oh show it to her. She won’t be able to see it anyway.

Sean gave me his license, but I was seeing double. His buddy told Sean to use that, and Sean told me to look at it very closely. I picked it up and looked at it and then he said, Olivia look at me, and I looked at him and he said, you know who I am.

Of course, I know who you are. Did you think that beard would fool me? Why would you want to fool me?"

He said, Because I wanted to talk to you and I didn’t think you would talk to me.

I asked what he wanted to talk to me about.

I remember him asking me the square root of 13. I said there isn’t one. I said no more trick questions. He asked what the prime numbers on 10 were, and I said two and five.

He tried to give me the MMPI, but I was too drunk to read the questions. So, he read the questions and I answered them.

He also gave me the Rorschach and when the picture of the vagina came up, I said he was crazy if he thought I was going to say that in front of all these people. Sean said, It’s O.K. you can say it.

I said If it’s O.K. then you say it. He looked at his buddy and laughed and I said, Oh, you pussy.

Sean was doing some calculating, and he looked at James and said it’s off the chart.

I said What does that mean?

And he said, It means you’re smart.

I said I don’t want to be smart. I just want to be like everyone else. God, I try so hard. I was pounding the floor.

I heard his buddy say to him, she’s sitting the way they sit up there.

I said What’s wrong with the way I’m sitting?

They showed me a picture of a little girl and boy on the floor. And I said, She’s teaching him how to tie his shoes.

"That’s how I tie shoes. I don’t tie the