Shortcuts to a Happier Life: Essays on Life, Love, and Parenting

By Sean Grover

If happiness is the absence of problems, would anyone ever be happy?

For over 25 years, psychotherapist Sean Grover has worked with people seeking relief from unhappy situations: financial ruin, failed relationships, sudden illness or loss. Life comes with all kinds of built-in hardships, but the most stubborn challenges are the ones we create for ourselves.

"Shortcuts to a Happier Life" is a collection of Sean's most popular essays from his Psychology Today blog, which has gathered over ten million reads and whose audience continues to grow.

"Ultimately, we must wrestle with ourselves to get to the heart of life's complex problems," Sean writes, "Only then can we see beyond the surface issues and develop sustainable solutions."

Designed to inspire reflection and contemplation, and covering topics from heartbreak to social anxiety, Sean's essays highlight uplifting stories to encourage change on the deepest level.

"Shortcuts to a Happier Life" reminds you that self-generated happiness is sustainable even during times of hardship.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Feb 1, 2024
• ISBN: 9798350939156

Sean Grover

SEAN GROVER, LCSW, has worked in child development and adult psychotherapy for 20 years, and maintains one of the largest private group therapy practices in the U.S. He has been quoted in Newsweek, New York Magazine, NPR, and elsewhere about parent-child relationships.

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Praise for Shortcuts to a Happier Life

What a gift to the world! Sean brings his keen insight and vast experience to every essay. Read them in order or skip around. I plan to use this book for myself and as a training tool for my staff.

Diana Gasperoni, Founder & CEO BeWELL Psychotherapy

Shortcuts to a Happier Life captivates readers. Sean’s essays will challenge you to think differently, laugh a little, and reflect on your life."

Liz Morrison, Psychotherapist

Distilled from his years as a psychotherapist, Sean documents how changing one’s perspective can transform a life and capture the creative magic between patient and therapist.

Dr. Julie Low, Psychiatrist, NYU Faculty

Shortcuts to a Happier Life offers self-healing work on every page."

Dr. Leonard Rosenblum, Union Square Spine

Sean Grover’s essays are a joy to read. His care and thoughtfulness leap from the page.

Jonathan Curelop, author of Tanker 10

Wit and wisdom on every other page. Kidding! On every page. I’ll be keeping it handy. You should, too.

Bill Santiago, Comedian and author of Pardon My Spanglish

Sean’s essays are accessible, clarifying, motivating— a perfect starting place for those needing a change.

Ari Brand, Broadway actor, writer and parent

Mr. Grover’s writing cuts right to the heart of America.

Suzanna Bowling, Times Square Chronicles

Shortcuts to a Happier Life

Essays on Life, Love, and Parenting

Sean Grover

ISBN (Print Edition): 979-8-35093-914-9

ISBN (eBook Edition): 979-8-35093-915-6

© 2023. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1: Addiction

When Someone You Love Becomes an Addict

When Someone You Love Relapses

The Inner Voice of a Teenager Addicted to Marijuana

Teens Sharing Drugs Can Be Convicted As Drug Dealers

5 Warning Signs Your Teenager May Be Using Drugs

3 Health Risks Caused by Marijuana Edibles

Chapter 2: Anxiety

The Voice of Panic Attacks

Social Anxiety? Acting Class Can Help

5 Simple Ways to Relieve Stress and Anxiety

The Negative Voices of an Anxiety Disorder

Where Do You Store Stress in Your Body? Top 10 Secret Areas

How Perfectionism Increases Anxiety and Procrastination

Chapter 3: Bullied Parent

How Pushover Parents Raise Bullies

3 Reasons Why Parents Let Their Kids Bully Them

3 Mistakes Parents Make When Their Kids Bully Them

The 3 Types of Children That Bully Their Parents

Signs That You’re An Abused Parent

Chapter 4: Depression

Do You Have Depression or Lifestyle Fatigue?

The Key to Understanding High-Functioning Depression

The Destructive Voice of Self-Shame and How to Break Free

Why Do the Blues Feel So Good?

9 Ways to Cure Your Own Depression

Chapter 5: Grief

How to Heal Your Broken Heart

5 Ways to Deal with Despair That Won’t Go Away

Finding Purpose in Your Pain

5 Reasons Why People May Feel Nothing

Death Shock: How to Recover When a Loved One Dies Suddenly

The Joy of Sadness

How to Recover When Life Crushes You

Chapter 6: Group Therapy

Group Therapy in Your Living Room

Social Anxiety? 3 Reasons to Try Group Therapy

5 Reasons Group Therapy Is The Best Choice for Struggling Teens

5 Ways Group Therapy Empowers You in Relationships

3 Ways Group Therapy is Better Than Individual Therapy

Chapter 7: Happiness

5 Steps to Finding Purpose and Feeling Happier

5 Essential Steps to Be Happier and Achieve Your Dreams

3 Keys to Sustainable Happiness and Joy

Why You Don’t Believe in Happiness Anymore

3 Self-Defeating Habits that Destroy Happiness

6 Habits That Undermine Happiness and Sabotage Growth

Warrior Approach for Sustainable Happiness

Chapter 8: Lifestyle

3 Signs You’re Eccentric, and 3 Reasons That’s a Good Thing

3 Signs You Need a Lifestyle Change

3 Signs That You’re a Prisoner of Your Expectations

3 Traits That Breed Hopelessness and 5 Ways to Create Hope

How to Design a New Lifestyle in 3 Easy Steps

Chapter 9: Parenting

7 Challenges Kids Face That Have Nothing to Do with Parenting

3 Essentials for Healthy Family Communication

How Parents Can Empower Their Daughters

The Blueprint for Raising Happy, Resilient Children

Is Parenting Burnout Destroying Your Marriage?

Top Ten Parenting Mistakes

The Best Technology-Screen Time Contract for Kids

5 Things Parents Do to Enrage Teenagers

The 8 Essentials for Preparing Your Kid for College

How Technology Lowers Emotional Intelligence in Kids

4 Reasons a Bad Marriage Is Worse for Children Than Divorce

How Parents Can Make Their Kids Experts in Happiness

5 Questions for Kids Fearful of Trying New Things

Happy Parents, Happy Kids

Boys Without Fathers: 3 Myths, 3 Miracles

3 Mistakes Parents Make by NOT Considering Boarding School

3 Mistakes Parents Make With Technology

3 Signs Your Child has Learning Disabilities

3 Good Reasons Not to Give Kids Too Many Presents

4 Ways Altruism Produces Happy and Empowered Children

Chapter 10: Psychotherapy

When Therapy Fails

Is Therapy Ruining Your Relationships?

Want to Be a Therapist? 5 Signs You’d Be Great at It

When Therapists and Patients Fall in Love

5 Signs You Have the Wrong Therapist

Chapter 11: Relationships

What Is ‘Toxic Caretaking’?

3 Ways That Grudge-Dumping Destroys Relationships

When Sexual Attraction and Hate Collide

3 Ways ‘Ghosting’ Undermines Your Emotional Health

Why Romantic Relationships Won’t Fill Your Emptiness

Growing Up Without Healthy Emotional Boundaries

Why Narcissists Reject Social Distancing

How to Spot a Bad Friend

How to Make Love Last

How to Break Free of Unhealthy Romantic Relationships

3 Reasons Why You Resent Happy Couples

Do You Have a Controlling Personality?

How Avoiding Conflict Escalates Conflict in Relationships

How Wanting to Be Liked Get You Rejected

Craving Love? Improve Your Relationship With Yourself First

3 Signs You’ve Been Introvert Shamed

Chapter 12: Self-Help

The Healing Power of Hate

Do You Suffer From Shame Shudder?

3 Toxic Mindsets That May Be Poisoning Your Life

How Your Disowned Feelings Are Hurting You

How To Win the Battle With Yourself

Are You Self-Awakened?

Reversing Negative Thinking Through Gratitude

5 Reasons Why Meditation Doesn’t Work for Everyone

Chapter 13: Teenagers

Raising Teenagers in the Age of Anxiety

Why Therapy Fails Many Teenagers

7 Things Teenagers Desperately Need Adults to Understand

Three Signs Your Teen Needs Therapy

3 Rules for Arguing With Teenagers Without Pushing Them Away

The Truth About Teens and Sex

Parents Can Be Arrested for Their Kid’s House Party

Chapter 14: Trauma

3 Signs You May Have Suffered Childhood Emotional Incest

7 Hurts That Never Heal

To my beautiful wife and best friend, Yuko.

Introduction

Almost ten years ago, when I was asked to write a blog for Psychology Today, I had no idea what a blog was. I thought, What an ugly word! Sounds more like a skin infection.

Since then, and one hundred sixty posts later, the When Kids Call The Shots blog has gathered over ten million reads. And no one is more surprised than me.

I’ve received dozens of letters of thanks from folks who drew inspiration and encouragement from the posts:

A US Air Force pilot who discovered the upside of growing up without a dad in Boys Without Fathers: 3 Myths, 3 Miracles.

A grieving widow who drew strength from Death Shock: How to Recover When a Loved One Dies Suddenly.

A woman in London who found answers for her vocal problems in Where Do You Store Stress in Your Body? Top 10 Secret Areas.

A devastated father struggling with his son’s suicide found comfort in How to Recover When Life Crushes You.

A stressed-out mother in Russia, struggling with defiant twin boys, applauded the practical solutions in the Bullied Parent posts.

It moves me deeply that so many took the time to write letters. My writing goal has always been guiding people toward hope in moments of despair. As Buddhist peace activist Daisaku Ikeda writes:

Life is filled with all sorts of struggles and sufferings. Problems are unavoidable. They are an inescapable reality of life. Our only alternative is to become strong.

Many of these articles grew from my struggles and discoveries in therapy. I wrote some of them in the middle of sleepless nights or during solitary walks by the Hudson River. Others were inspired by the courage and resilience demonstrated every week by the folks in my therapy groups.

I hope you find some strength and clarity in the pages that follow. Until then, I’ll keep blogging. (Is that really a word?)

Chapter 1:

Addiction

When Someone You Love Becomes an Addict

3 Ways to Care For Yourself and Find Help.

Addiction is a disease like no other. It doesn’t appear on X-rays, nor is it an injury or allergy with a simple cure. It’s a phantom that travels through families, crossing decades, and suddenly reappears in new generations. It destroys marriages and devastates relationships. Today, with the outbreak of prescription drug abuse, it can be even harder to recognize signs of addiction.

Whether the person is a sibling, parent, friend, son, or daughter, your world falls apart when someone you love destroys themselves with substances. You’d willingly sacrifice all you have for that person to be right again.

Desperate for relief, you may lie to yourself:

She’s doing better.

I can trust him again.

"I should beoptimistic."

You may try to talk sense to them, but your efforts to help are met with callous anger.

I’m fine. Leave me alone.

Stop worrying! You’re making me feel worse.

Why don’t you believe me?

Perhaps the person you love stands before you, wild-eyed, body trembling for a fix. In such unforgettable moments, you feel your heartbreak.

Sooner or later, hopelessness wears you down. Everything is tested: your faith, relationships, and even trust in yourself. You may wander down the path of self-blame:

This is my fault.

I should have seen the signs.

What was I thinking?

There are no easy answers when dealing with addiction. You want your love to be enough -- unfortunately, it isn’t. But you can take action to strengthen yourself and weaken its spell.

Care for the Caregiver

When you’re tending to someone in crisis, a rare friend asks, How are you doing? The addicted person takes up so much time and space it’s common to neglect themselves. Here’s how best to help yourself and those you love.

Seek Out Support

Find a group, hire a professional, and attend a meeting. The internet is full of free support programs for families and individuals. Addiction is one of the most complex and complicated diagnoses. Talking out your feelings and sharing your experience will help more than you think. If you’re hesitant, bring a friend. Nothing is more powerful than being in the presence of people who share your experience and come out whole again. Bottom line: Don’t go it alone.

Practice Self Care

Stress can have a profoundly negative effect on your physical and emotional health. That’s why you must take care of yourself even more. Long walks are excellent for clearing your head. Surround yourself with nurturing friends. See a movie, visit a gallery, go to a concert. Such tasks may seem mundane, but they will raise your spirits and give your mind a break from the stress it desperately needs.

Pace Yourself

Sometimes, no matter what you do, someone won’t listen. Another person’s will is ultimately beyond our power. Until they are ready to get help or hit bottom, do your best to stay firm. You’re not giving up on them; you’re remaining supportive. Hopefully, the moment will arrive, they will turn to you for help and accept your support. Remember: recovery is a long journey that can’t be rushed.

A New Beginning: A Story

A family reunited with their daughter, who had nearly died of an overdose. She had spent two months in a girls’ wilderness program deep in the mountains of Georgia, far from the urban life she knew. When they last saw her, her thin body was marked with cuts, her face bruised from hitting herself.

Sending her there, without a doubt, was the most excruciating decision they had ever made as parents. She said she would never speak to them again—ever.

The visiting day arrives. The mother and father drive their rented car up the gravel road and park. They look like frightened children, out of place in the overgrown forest, unsure of what to expect.

Seconds later, their daughter is running breathlessly down a hill toward them, waving, hair wild and unkempt, clothes stained with the muck of the woods.

Mom! Dad!

They almost don’t recognize her. How long had it been since she called them that?

They fall into each other’s arms, wrapped in a single, timeless embrace, their bodies shaking with emotion. In the distance, the addiction counselors, like mountain angels, watch, tend to open fire, and exchange smiles. No one notices the light rain trickling through the pines.

After a long while, their daughter attempts to speak, her face wet with tears, words caught in her throat, then finally she whispers:

Thank you...for...not giving up...on me.

And in a single magical moment—everything changed. Much work was still needed, but hope returned and was gaining momentum. True healing could now begin.

What You Can Do Today

Caring for someone who is addicted is a test of love. Seek support. Reach out to friends, talk to professionals, re-engage your spiritual practice, or start one. An enormous community of people in recovery, everyday heroes, waiting to help you. Such actions will give you hope, even when your situation feels hopeless.

When Someone You Love Relapses

And 3 Steps to Get Help Today.

You trusted him. He promised you that he’d changed and convinced you that he’d learned his lesson, that his days of using drugs and alcohol were over. He finished a rehab program and celebrated the anniversary of his abstinence with you. He hugged and thanked you for being there and for not abandoning him.

And you felt relief in your soul. The dark cloud that hung over and overshadowed everything finally lifted. You could breathe again and sleep again. You told yourself, I grew from this pain. I am a better person for it. More humane, more compassionate, more understanding. You congratulated yourself on staying strong. You didn’t give up on him. You made it through the worst life could throw at you. Now you could finally get back to enjoying your time together. You don’t have to hide your prescription drugs anymore.

Then, one day, you notice that dark clouds are gathering again. Things don’t seem right. You have a sense that the lies are back. You push the thought away. You tell yourself, It’s not true. I’m just being paranoid. You engage in reckless optimism, ignoring the signs in front of you. Maybe it’s because you don’t think your heart could recover again; you don’t think you could survive another relapse.

How many times can a heartbreak before it can’t be mended?

Slowly, it dawns on you: the old behaviors have returned. He looks different, talks differently. Something in his manner seems false and calculated.

When you dare to talk to him, tell yourself, Be gentle. Talk from a place of love. You even practice what to say. After all, you want to be mindful.

When you express your concerns, he becomes enraged. Why can’t you believe in me? he yells, You’re the problem. You’re the cause of this —not me.

You feel ashamed. You feel embarrassed. You apologize. But, deep down, you know something is wrong again. Something is broken. You can’t ignore it anymore.

Who do you turn to? Who do you tell?

Your Recovery

It’s impossible to describe your pain when someone you love relapses. Your world turns upside down. You discover so many lies and falsehoods you don’t know what’s real anymore.

Your recovery starts when you step away from trying to help the one you love and focus on helping yourself. Here are three critical steps toward feeling whole again:

Find a Support Group

In over twenty years of working as a therapist, I’ve found nothing more powerful than a group of people struggling together. The empathy of peers and the love and support of individuals who share your experience are healing. Look online, call an 800 number, find a group, and go.

Avoid Isolation

There will be the impulse to withdraw, isolate yourself, and hide from others. Please don’t do it. Isolate breeds depression, anxiety, and fear. It makes problems feel insurmountable. Force yourself out, go for walks, go to the gym, and go to the theater. Keep seeing friends, keep being active—keep living.

Stop Enabling

Addicts thrive on empty promises. You may want to believe that they can stop using drugs and alcohol on their own. The reality is it’s rare for someone to recover without professional support. Unless they are willing to get help, there’s very little you can do.

One Day at a Time

Gather support. Find the angels in your life and reach out to them. Renew your faith, turn to loved ones, and keep striving. You can’t control addiction but can take charge of your own life.

The Inner Voice of a Teenager Addicted to Marijuana

Nothing is coming between me and smoking. Nothing.

I had my first hit in middle school, in a park near my house, hanging out, basically doing nothing. My friend took out a joint his brother gave him for his thirteenth birthday. Sounds sketchy, right? But his brother is a straight-A student. He wasn’t a drug dealer.

To be honest, I wasn’t into it. I coughed so much it burned my throat. But I had this euphoric feeling that I never had before—total freedom. Everything I worried about went away, like thinking I was too short, nerdy, or worrying about my acne. It all disappeared.

I decided right then and there, I need to get more.

Before you judge me, I’m not a loser with a sad story. No one in my family does drugs, and my parents aren’t abusive. I’m not from a poor neighborhood. I love my mom and dad; my brother and I are best friends. On winter breaks, when I was little, we visited Disney World and my grandparents in Florida.

I guess you could say we’re an all-American family.

But smoking weed just feels so good. That’s all I think about now. When I’m not high, I’m thinking about getting high. When my supply is low, I think about buying more weed or bumming some off a friend. I can’t imagine not having weed on me. Man, that would so suck.

Even when my parents caught me smoking in my room, and I promised I wouldn’t do it again, I knew I was lying. I smoked later that night. My mom cries, and my dad has this defeated look. They’re so dramatic. They need to chill out. Even my brother is dumping on me, saying that I’ve changed, that I’m hurting Mom and Dad.

Honesty, I don’t care what he says. Nothing is coming between me and smoking. Nothing.

I get high alone now. I don’t need friends. I smoke before school, in the stairwell during lunch, behind the gym after school. I don’t need a reason to get high. Honestly, I forget what it feels like not to be high.

Most days, I can’t stand my parents. They’re always sniffing around my room. Judging me. They make me want to smoke more. I can’t wait to move out. I tell them that weed isn’t addictive, but they won’t listen.

There are so many ways to get high, too. You can roll or bake; they even have weed gummy bears. My friend’s parents smoke with him. How cool is that? They even taught him how to make weed butter.

Last week, I got a vape pen. I traded my guitar for it. Now, I can smoke anywhere. Sometimes, I even take a few hits in the back of my English class. The other kids stare and shake their heads like they’re better than me. But I don’t care. That’s why I quit sports and band. They’re all uptight and stupid.

The truth is, weed just makes everything better. If I watch a movie, I watch it high. If I skateboard, I ride high. I even ate dinner with my family high. They can’t even tell anymore.

I owe everything to weed. Weed is a part of my identity. I don’t know who I would be without it."

I Tried to Cut Back

"Honestly, I’ve tried to smoke less. But I just can’t. Seriously. Last year, I went two or three days without smoking, and I had a wicked panic attack. My hands were sweating; my heart was racing. Thank God my friend let me hit his pipe after school. I took a few puffs, and I calmed right down.

Weed is good for me. It helps me. It helps a lot of people. Even doctors describe it. Is that the word? Described?

Whatever.

Now, all the kids at school are obsessed with college applications. What a joke! Spending all that money. Stressing about grades—for what? Honestly, I feel sorry for them. I stopped worrying about my grades a long time ago.

Most days, you’ll find me chillin’ in my bedroom. Watching YouTube videos or playing Fortnite. And smoking, of course.

I’m not an addict. Seriously, I’m not. I’m a good person. And if you think that I’m addicted to weed, well, whatever. Get over yourself."

Teens Sharing Drugs Can Be Convicted As Drug Dealers

Parents beware, your kid could end up in jail.

It’s a situation that happens daily throughout the country. Teens meet in local parks, homes, or parties after school to get high together. Obtaining illegal substances has never been easier thanks to technological advances, such as cell phones, the Internet, and social media. Many teens report having drugs delivered right to their front door while their parents are home. Others order drugs on the dark web and receive them in the mail.

Before we explore the impact of the law, let’s examine substance abuse use among teenagers.

What Drugs Are Teens Using?

According to Addiction Resource, the United States is the second largest consumer of marijuana in the world. A recent CNN report notes that 24 percent of high school teenagers polled admitted to using marijuana in the last year.

Though marijuana and alcohol remain the dominant drugs teens use, prescription drugs, which are far more powerful and addictive, are gaining popularity. According to The Foundation for a Drug-Free World, 90 percent of prescription drug addicts reported using prescription drugs in middle school or high school. This is supported by a National Institute on Drug Abuse report, which notes that 25 percent of prescription drug abusers started using prescription drugs before they were 13 years old.

How Can Teens Afford to Buy Drugs?

Honest Marijuana suggests that the average price for medium-quality marijuana is $9-15 a gram, which should produce 1.5 joints. However, vaping and cannabis oil pens are gaining in popularity because they’re virtually odor-free and can be quickly hidden, which makes them ideal for smoking in school or other public places.

You can track the current street prices for prescription drugs on StreetRx. Here’s a sample of the going rates for prescription drugs in major