He Gave Me My True Identity and the Wisdom to Exit My Own Maze

By Mattie Griffin

Through my trials and tribulations, God gave me my identity. I hindered my walk and relationship with God by leaning on my own understanding. Although, as a child, the pain I endured was out of my control, as an adult, the majority was based on the choices I made and the signs I willingly ignored for decades. I blamed others for my lack of love. I was miscomprehending, seeking love from individuals that only comes from God, the Creator. It was my iniquity; it caused the separation between God and me, which hindered my blessings from him. It was also God's grace that helped with the brokenness that crippled and tormented me throughout my life. He rescued me by transforming my circumstances into the center blocks I needed to climb out of the hole I was buried in. My foolishness caused me to make lifelong decisions based on temporary issues. He should have been my ultimate choice. When I was tested, my afflictions bent and twisted the vessels attached to my heart, but God didn't allow me to flatline.

He was the guiding force I needed when I thought I was too broken to be repaired. He rebuilt and molded me to be used for his glory. God's love, through my tests and trials, matured and strengthened me. The things sent to destroy my peace were no competition to the mind-regulating God I serve! This book was written in inspiration to my God, Lord, and Savior, Jesus Christ. He deserves all the praise and honor, and without Him, it wouldn't be me. The blueprint and directions of God's Word are the recipes to all salvation. Above all, I pray that you, too, will understand the importance of obedience and the relationship God desires us to have as we're reconciled with Him.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Christian Faith Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Jan 17, 2024
• ISBN: 9798890439284

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He Gave Me My True Identity and the Wisdom to Exit My Own Maze

Mattie Griffin

ISBN 979-8-89043-927-7 (paperback)

ISBN 979-8-89043-928-4 (digital)

Copyright © 2023 by Mattie Griffin

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods without the prior written permission of the publisher. For permission requests, solicit the publisher via the address below.

Christian Faith Publishing

832 Park Avenue

Meadville, PA 16335

www.christianfaithpublishing.com

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

About the Author

Introduction

My life has always been engaged in turbulence and turmoil, causing disturbance and ruckus. I endured many challenges that led to perplexity, vulnerability, insecurity, anxiety, fear, and nervousness, which all resulted in decades of unending roller coasters of tribulations and brokenheartedness. They caused me to be defenseless by enduring awkwardness as I came to terms with bamboozlement. The truth of my identity was identified through my pain because I wasn't equipped to endure the things that were beyond my comprehension. Assumptions and questions were the discussion among many, trying to unlock the true revelation of my life. Their speculation led to years of rumors and lies. Although I don't owe an explanation to anyone, I decided to release the truth behind my pain. The truth is, I can care less about what individuals' opinions are about me! Most are irrelevant! I only chose to share my story to overcome my pain, also in the hopes of eliminating the hurt and pain brought by others.

I was abandoned by those I love the most, causing damage to my mind, soul, and body, leaving me defenseless as I was exposed to defeat. As I searched, I couldn't find you. Where did you go? You can't run; you can't hide. What has been deeply submerged is now going to be revealed. No longer will you control or hurt me through intimidation, manipulation, or rejection! Stop playing the victim; face your demons! You abusers, manipulators, liars, betrayers, and narcissistic individuals, I will expose you! Deception, betrayal, and deceit will no longer rule the minds and hearts of your victims; we win! As my hands expand to emphasize to my readers. I will release my truth, my pain, and my secrets that were submerged for decades. My mind pondering as I gather my thoughts. Will I, or am I capable? Can what I have knowledge of now be the key to years of affliction, despair, and uncertainty? Years of trying to understand who I was and my purpose in life.

I endured several disappointments and hardships. I have been identified through my pain by secrets, denials, and anguish I endured for years. I wanted to share my truths by exposing them from my childhood and most of my adult life because it is time to finally let go of my past in order to heal and move forward with my future. I found it to be easier to write than to vent to individuals who were only engrossed in the amusement and the entertainment from my pain. It has taken years to acknowledge the truth and accept things as they really were. Before setting down to begin this journey, anxiety emerged immediately because throughout my school years, I was a slow learner, placed in special-education classes. Never good at grammar, sentencing structure, or spelling. Several questions ran through my mind as I began to type: Am I capable? Will I be able to explain or express myself? Will I heal through my writing, or will the hurt continue? Could I even be of help to someone else who is enduring the same abuse?

I learned that anything is possible if you remain consistent and work diligently toward it. Four decades of compressed thoughts and feelings lay submerged under the shame and hurt I have endured over the years. As the thoughts run through my mind, so did doubt and uncertainty. I wasn't sure what to write or how to express my feelings in my writing. I never felt I could complete much of nothing in life, at least that is what I was always told. Writing a book, especially like the one you are about to read, is the hardest thing I ever done in my life. Individuals has misunderstood me before when I tried to explain and express myself on multiple occasions. Throughout my school years, like I mentioned before, I was a slow learner, placed in special-education classes, and teased a lot. Much name-calling and mocking was displayed toward me. I had many complications when it came to writing and solving problems. My comprehension was limited, and it crippled the chance of acceptance. I wanted to learn; I just couldn't understand the material given to me at the time. Every day at school, I was belittled and oppressed. I would be late to class often because I didn't want my peers to see me as I entered in my special ed classes. Even after entering the classroom with other children with learning disabilities, I was mocked! Especially when it came to weekly spelling test. I was always the weakest link.

Many days I cried because of my limitations. I went to my mother for help, but she only had an eighth-grade education herself and didn't have much time to help me. My father only made it to the second grade, and he wasn't around to help either. Both of them only having a little amount of education affected us as children. My siblings and I were behind the other children most of the time. My siblings also lacked understanding and was placed in some of the same classes as I was. God opened our understanding as we grew and matured in age. I was the worst in school because I also had a speech impediment. I always had a problem with pronunciation. Instead of saying school, I would say, stool. There were many words I couldn't pronounce. It was like my tongue got hung-up to the roof of my mouth. This would cause me to become very frustrated and ashamed. My teacher would also become very irritated and send me to the speech therapist next door. It wasn't no one to tutor me or was able to explain to me my schoolwork. Other than my teacher, during this time, who I refused to ask in fear of being mocked by my classmates, I had no one to help me. There's always a reason behind the foolishness of a class clown. Also in fear of being mocked, I would cause a disturbance because I didn't want to be called on, knowing I didn't know the answer to the questions that were being asked. I can recall multiple times when I was in my music class and I didn't understand the notes, so I caused disruption purposely just to be dismissed from the fear of being teased. My teacher didn't want to send me to the office; instead, he made me stand outside of the classroom until class was over.

Some days, it was cold, and on others, it was very hot. I didn't care because it was better than having my peers laugh at me. Despite the truth and painful experiences in my life, as it turned out, good things do come to those who are willing to wait and trust God. This story I'm about to share with you is very difficult to revisit, but I had no other solution if I wanted to truly be healed and be delivered from my past. Years of living in fear and doubt led to manipulation, hurt, defeat, and shame. Throughout my life, I have allowed these things to suffocate the blessings and goals I could have accomplished. Love, respect, loyalty, acceptance, and appreciation from others also were essential elements in my life. They have also been my calamity and what has hunted me for years. I can recall my mother saying, People will never show the same love or respect you show them. I didn't understand until I experienced head on for myself. Regardless of what I heard or seen, I desired and wanted to feel love, be loved, and feel accepted as long as I could remember. Later realizing what can only be sent from God can't result from individuals who refuse to know Him.

Chapter 1

There were many things that I was ignorant growing up, but the biggest one was, I lacked and wanted to know more about the most was love. It wasn't until I took the time out to read and study after years of being unacquainted with it that I learned it's true meaning. The characteristics of love were something I had very little knowledge of. What I knew was through assumption and not from experience. I explored and searched for the truth. I became more familiar over time, by becoming more engrossed in educating myself as I applied what was missing in my life. Based on the philosophy, as I studied, the question emerges: what is love? According to https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-love2795343 , It is a set of emotions and behaviors characterized by intimacy, passion and commitment. It involves care, closeness, protectiveness, attraction, affection, and trust. Love creates a bond that is developed into friendship and later demonstrated by showing appreciation, respect, and importance of another individual. Being in love was a whole new set of cards. When you're in love, you go beyond love. You find yourself doing and saying things you vowed to never display. You put up with things that normally should have led up to death. Anything an individual love, they will respect, appreciate, and their loyalty would never come into questioning. According to www.typesof.com, there are seven different types of love. They are liking, companionate, empty, fatuous, infatuation, romantic, and consummate. Allow me to enlighten you on these different types of love before moving forward.

Liking love is like the first step of the types of love. Here, there is a high level of intimacy but there are no commitments involved. Individuals have no standards or respect for self or the other individuals associated to them.

The second is companionate love: It refers to a variety of love that is durable, slow to develop and characterized by interdependence and feeling of affection, intimacy, and commitment, but has very little passion toward another.

Third is fatuous love. It is lighthearted, not having any serious purpose or value. It is the unstable and unwilling to commit.

Fourth is infatuation love, an unreasoning love for or sexual attraction to something… Mainly a lustful motive having mindset of satisfying the flesh.

Fifth is romantic love. It is passionate, affectionate, and beautiful. It's magnetic and is not hidden but felt between two individuals.

Sixth is empty love. It is characterized by commitment without passion or intimacy. It's self-explanatory because it's void; nothing is there. The respect is gone, and there are no boundaries. Having this type of love will leave individuals lost and confused because they never get closure that is needed. In many cases, individuals begin to blame self for failed and disappointed relationships. These types of relationship are also one-sided most of the time. One would remain in the relationship just to be connected to someone. They will isolate their own self-worth to ensure the other party self-fulfillment.

The last is consummate love. It is something rehearsed. The players code, all fun and games. A practiced behavior to manipulate. Intimacy, according to psychoanalytic theorist Erik Erikson and his stages of psychosocial development. Intimacy is a key factor that is sought and learned in young adulthood were, if a healthy attachment is formed early in life, adult relationships will be consistent in intimacy… There would be closeness, a feel of belonging and affection. Many individuals lack this intimacy interaction due to multiple reasons. As young men and women, the upbringing and love shown plays a great deal with developing of their self-esteem and self-worth. Those who wasn't given the opportunity to receive the love, affection, and attention spend a lifetime searching for that special someone to fill their void. Some resulting to physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive relationships. Sometimes if those individuals are not strong enough, they will result in suicidal endings as well. Others turn to alcohol and drugs because they were too hurt and gave up on the pursuit of love because of rejection. Some can even become soul-tied to their abuser.

What are soul ties, you ask? Soul ties according to the Web dictionary, Are supernatural bonds that may form between two or more souls, flesh, heart, or bodies. It is a supernatural bond that is not that easily broken. Soul-ties and attachments may be formed through sex, communion, covenant, or a common cause. Many times, individuals confuse soul ties with unconditional love. Some individuals will allow themselves to be manipulated and abuse to fulfill the emptiness they have endured for a period of time. Soul ties can also be very powerful to the point an individual can be affected mentally, physically, and eternally as well. Due to the fact of not allowing the past to be the past, individuals can't heal from past trauma. If a relationship has ended due to whatever reason, it's not wise to rush or involve yourself with another person until ‘Self' has been rebuild first. Soul ties have been known to be harsh and troublesome, to the point individuals only release from them was to consult with a psychologist. Others have also resulted in ritual teas. When breaking the soul ties isn't done correctly, it will cause turmoil in your future relationships. Most of the time, ending in a breakup. While soul ties is very powerful itself, it's even worse when that individual is dealing with his/her own self-worth and years of rejection and manipulation.

Chapter 2

The abuse, shame, and rejection are the hardest to accept in life, especially from those we loved the most and those we looked up to. Now, that I have explained the basics of some of the different loves and soul ties. I can now enlighten you to my years of battling with them all. I demonstrated what I thought love to be at the particular time. Many things go on behind closed doors. Secrets of much abuse, neglect, manipulation, and regrets have occurred. Although hidden from the public eyes but never escaping the hearts and minds of the victims. As a young child, dating back to my toddler age. My mother was enduring extreme hardship from trying to raise us on her own. During this time, my father was engrossed in other affairs of his own. Mother did all she knew to do, but it wasn't enough. The department of human services became involved, which led to the removable of all my mother's children from the home. We were taken and placed in a foster home until things were suitable for us to return to our mother. I hated being away from my mother. I cried every day as I waited to be reunited with her. The wait was over a three-month time frame. Daily, I observed the door opening as other children arrived while others departed. It was the worst experience in my life because of the things that took place behind closed doors. It was the beginning of my molestation and abuse.

I never understood how we was removed from a home where we were loved to a place of pain and mistreatment. There were many boys and no separation from the girls. We slept six to a bed. When the door closed, the torture would start! The older boys would force themselves on top of me! I would cry out for help as I tried to fight them off. The staff there ignored my cries for help most of the time. There were only two times after I had screamed to the top of my lungs that someone entered the room. My abusers would convince the person in charge that I was only screaming because I was afraid of the dark. She believed them, but it didn't change anything. She didn't remove me from their presence; instead, she left me there defenseless and afraid! They laughed as they mocked me while they would continue to pull at my clothing. I will never forget; Easter Sunday was in a few days.

The staff boiled several dozens of eggs for us to have to eat. I stuffed my jaws as I sat there across from my abusers. When the backs of the staff were turned, they made ugly faces and threw pieces of their eggs at me. The more eggs I had eaten, the more my stomach would make loud noises as I became gassy. Wind broke, but I wouldn't say anything because eggs had an odor of their own and not much attention was made. The smell increased as I continued to release the gas. As one finished eating at the table, we were dismissed for a bath before going to bed. I noticed the leader of my abusers was finished and was told to gather his things for bed. I waited just when he had entered and was enjoying his bath. I pushed and pushed, and the smell was very noticeable! The staff searched to locate the smell. I looked down at the table, trying to not make eye contact. Then it was all out in the opening! An overflowing of waste, up to my waistline, overflowed my pants! The staff member who had left me in the room with my abusers, picked me up, only using the garment of my shirt!

Mad and disgusted, she pulled and snatched my top off then held me up by one arm as she did the same with my bottoms! Instead of washing me, she placed me in the tub with my abuser. His eyes expanded as it was him this time doing all the screaming to the top of his lungs. He jumped out the tub crying and ran to the bedroom to dress himself. He was so upset as he shared with the other children that this was his moment of disgust. The staff had left me in the tub for hours. It wasn't until they had cleaned the kitchen and put the rest of the children to bed when I heard someone inquired about me.

She then poked her head around the corner as I sat in the dark in the cold water. She looked in disgust as she verbally expressed her frustration of having to clean me. She then put on gloves as she poured water from a small container over my body. Then she aggressively pulled me back and forth as her top lip touched her nose. Finally, I was clean enough for bed. I was okay because her aggressiveness was nothing compared to the boys, and the fact that, by this time, my abusers were already asleep made it even better. On the days that followed, the other boys and girls laughed and mocked me. The attacks continued as the months passed by. Just because the age of a child makes them a minor doesn't mean they can't be an abuser, leaving the results of an adult. Thank God, the day came! Mother had worked herself to the bone. Everything was now suitable for us to return home! They gathered my siblings and I and put us in the car.

The day was so beautiful; the sun was shining bright. I heard the nearby birds as they tweeted! The social worker was this tall, thin redheaded woman who was very nice to us as well. As she drove and we were close to our home, we all looked like turtles on a log as we were filled with the excitement of reuniting with our mother. As the car was about to