Handle with Care: A young woman's guide to identity, self-worth, purpose, and relationship

By Raquel Alyse

No one and nothing can get inside your heart if you shield it with the knowledge of who God says you are.

If you do not take care of your heart, who will? Handle with Care not only inspires but teaches how to navigate singleness, relationships, identity, and heartbreak in our demanding world through the power of faith, self-worth,

• Language: English
• Publisher: Trilogy Christian Publishing
• Release date: Feb 8, 2022
• ISBN: 9781685560317

Raquel Alyse

Raquel Alyse is a New York-based musician, writer, YouTube creator, entrepreneur, and app developer. Her personal ventures in faith, love, and modern dating inspired her debut novel, Handle with Care.After earning her marketing and CIS degree from Quinnipac University, she is ready to take on the world and spread the glory of God and His kingdom. Follow her adventures on her website Raquelalyse.com.

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Dedication

I dedicate this book and my heart to Jesus, as I would not have a single thing without Him; I will never love another more.

I would like to honor my parents. They have pushed me to seek God first in all things and to handle my experiences with grit and grace and my heart with care. They have inspired me, loved me, protected me, and never placed limits on me or my dreams.

I dedicate this to my future daughters and the women of every generation. This is the diary of my heart for now, and I hope it provides comfort along your journey. I hope you love every part of you, discover your true self, seek God deeper, and grow from your struggles.

Dear Daughter

June 30th, 2021

Dear Daughter,

In pondering to write a journal to my future daughters about the struggles I have faced or am currently facing as a young woman, I noticed that women around me were struggling with similar situations. God developed in me a heart that broke for them; I grew a strong desire to delve deeper into the souls of women and understand where the root of these issues was coming from. The way we are wired, the way we think, the way we feel, and the circumstances we experience feel familiar. Regardless of my walk of life, my mom’s walk, my friends, my cousins, or strangers, it all feels like we keep coming back to the same issues and outcomes. These include an easily affected identity, feelings of brokenness and heartbreak (ache), confusion in relationships, matter of comparison, lack of self-worth, poor relationship behavior, inability to forgive oneself and others, etc. If we all recognize that we deal with similar baggage or experiences, then perhaps we can get through it together, with the knowledge that there is a solution. My story felt like I was the only one living it.

The insecurities I felt snuck their way into the mirror on a bad day. I vividly remember the first day I ever felt insecure. I was in my school’s gymnasium in fourth grade when my friend came to me and said, Skylar just called you a fat, rich, brat, and a bitc*. She was one of my good friends and now had made me feel betrayed, left out, judged, and insecure for the first time.

I cried on the bus home; I cried when I got home, and I remembered those words up until this point in my life. Sometimes it is not the insecurity that takes a toll on us, but it is the time where others solidify that very feeling you already had about yourself that changes everything. Words hold such power that some do not even realize; when people speak these negative words over us, we may feel them to be true. This was the beginning of it all.

As I grew up, I would learn that there would be more days like that one. A few months later, I went to get my first haircut. I stood on the chair so I could see it in the mirror, only to find myself disliking what I saw. I did not even look at my hair; I just looked at my body. Maybe what Skylar said was true.

Fast forward to middle school. I had everything. I won the Best Personality superlative, got asked out by tons of guys, had many friends, had a big house, money, and everything you could want. I knew who I was; I was telling so many kids about God and inviting the popular group to youth group; I was confident. Then, in eighth grade, my friend and I went to a youth group at my church, and it opened my eyes to not only how I viewed myself but also how others viewed me.

The message at the youth group spoke on identity and insecurity. The pastor asked us to go into groups and talk about our thoughts on the message. Are you confident? What are your insecurities and struggles? My friend said, What do you struggle with? To my own surprise, I began to cry uncontrollably because I realized I was more insecure than I thought. My friend looked at me in confusion and said, I had no idea. I genuinely thought you were the most confident girl in school. That moment hit me because I was focused on my insecurities without realizing that no one else was.

These insecurities took up so much of my confidence, my time, and my thoughts, but they did not affect anyone else. At the end of the day, how much do people care about your imperfections that it consumes their day? The answer is never. I have never looked at something that other people may consider off about someone and thought about it for the rest of the day. If others could not care less about it, why do we let it wreck some of our days? Why would we let it prevent us from going out? Why would we let it ruin our moods or cause us to question our worth or beauty?

Now I was in high school. I would battle the line of confidence and insecurity every now and then. A lot of the time, I felt like the one who did not fit in. I had lost many of my friends because I did not do the things they did. I felt like the girl who was never chosen for the best because she just fell short. She was almost good enough but not quite there. I had gone through self-doubt, a guy ghosting me, heartbreak, the feeling of being invisible, the identity crisis, the lack of feeling purpose in this world, and the struggle that comes with being a woman and a believer. Through my experiences, I am here to tell you that there is a solution to your pain.

They say that love is not an emotion or feeling but rather a commitment. That is why marriage is so hard, according to every married person ever. Because love means you wake up every day and choose to commit yourself to this person and care for them. So loving yourself is not something you just do; it is a choice that you make every day. No matter how badly you messed up the night before or how much weight you gained or because you just got broken up with. It is a choice.

The questions that remain are: How do we stand tall and love ourselves when others notice our imperfections and call them out? How do we stand firm in who God says we are, rather than what man says? How do we not lose sight of His vision and image of us in the doubting? The answer is not simple, in all honesty. It takes reminders. It takes reading the Word and listening to Jesus. It takes acknowledging the thoughts in our head that are not our own voice but the devil’s and the world’s. 

As a result of my journey, I found myself. I still have my bad days, but I am hopeful. My worth is found in my Creator, and so is yours. I know the freedom that comes with a full understanding of who I am. It is dangerous to the enemy and to the world, now that I have found me. Through this newfound knowledge, I unlocked my full potential. Within this potential, I now know my identity outside of the guy I am dating or whether my friends invited me to their hangout. If only you could see what Jesus sees, you would never question yourself. You would never fall out of love with who you are and who you are made to become. You would live freely, without fear of man. You would take risks with the chance of falling because you know that you are falling back on a God who will never forsake you.

As I was writing this chapter, I got a prophetic word from the Lord. It was a vision of God holding a little girl’s face right underneath her chin in the palm of His hand; He said, I got you, my most perfect daughter. Through the process of writing this book, I have felt heartbreak for what some of them go through. I have also felt God’s love for the women of every generation. I feel that these words are from God’s heart to yours.

I hope that you read His words in exchange for a renewed sense of self-worth, a forgiving heart, a life influenced by your Creator, kindness towards yourself, and a main character mentality that provides you with your wildest dreams.

I am still on my journey of growth, and I will be until the day I leave this earth; however, we are in it together and with God. My goal is to bring light to these issues mentioned and provide possible solutions that can assist you in either avoiding a negative experience and or getting through it. My aim is to help you feel less alone and to help you recognize that there is more to life than the struggle you may feel momentarily.

Les Misérables talks about this truth that really spoke to me when I was twenty years old. The quote read, He who does not weep, does not see. Until this point in my life, I felt like I had experienced more than most women around my age had to. While these were arduous circumstances, ones in which I will delve into in the coming chapters, they helped me gain a different perspective of life as a teenager, as a woman, and as a follower of Christ in this world. Through this book, I hope you can see more clearly as a result of your weeping.

I will touch on the experiences I have had in relationships and how God turned the painful ashes of my memories into beautiful purposes. I hope this book can find you in your weakest moments. I hope you are reminded of how wonderfully you were made in the image of Jesus. I hope you recognize that you are not alone. I wanted to write a diary to you so that if or when you might experience the same struggles as me, you can come back to this and feel understood. Hopefully, this gives you increased wisdom to better prepare you for your experiences and decisions. I hope this gives you peace and strength. I hope this gives insight and perseverance. I have kept this whole piece of my heart unfiltered for your sake.

Some have called me naive, but I believe it is instead an overarching faith that encompasses all that I am. It challenges my thoughts, provokes my feelings, and initiates my actions. With God, all things are on the table, easy to access. We can access His heart, love, faith, peace, grace, mercy, and forgiveness; everything we need to be fulfilled. I believe in healing, in an inexplicable love, in redemption, and in restoration. The way you both view and tell your story is important. You can choose to reach for God or sink in the sand. All of this is to say there is hope, and there is a solution because of the One who sits on the throne. Allow me to explain how to handle your heart with care.

A prayer for you:

Lord, I thank You for the life You have given me. Thank You for choosing me to be Your daughter, a daughter of the King. I pray that You forgive me for judging Your creation, for disliking Your creation, or for viewing myself as less than who You made me to be. I thank You that You know me and that You loved me first. I thank You that You created in me a purpose that will come to pass. I pray for an even greater revelation of my identity in You. I pray that You speak to me through this book. I pray for greater wisdom when I face these situations. I pray that You guide me and that You fill me with Your joy, peace, and love. I pray that You heal my heart, and I thank You that I am already healed. I pray that You protect my heart and help guide me to handle my heart with care. I love You. In Jesus’ name, I pray, amen.

Part 1:

Identity

Love Yourself, Darling

August 3rd, 2021

"I love myself. The quietest. Simplest.

Most powerful. Revolution. Ever"

(Nayyirah Waheed).

When one loves who they are, it opens their eyes to what they deserve, what they can accomplish, and what they want; it is like opening a treasure box that has so much beauty to explode out into the world where no one can stop it. When you love yourself, you respect yourself, which leads to requiring respect from others. A woman who is unapologetically herself, exuding in confidence, is attractive. We do not tend to enjoy being around an insecure, pessimistic person. Perhaps you do not love yourself, or you do, but you still feel insecure. How do you fight it and get to a place of full acceptance for yourself?

Saint Augustine stated, Habit if not resisted becomes necessity. There were some days when I would critique myself and feel negative thoughts about me creep into my mind. Some days it would be comparison; other days, it would be a physical attribute I disliked. I recognized that if I allowed those thoughts to fester because of a lack of control over these thoughts, it would become a part of my everyday life. These thoughts would grow into part of my identity. To prevent this, I needed to know the source of the lies so that I could cut them at their roots. Why did I feel this way? Why did I think these thoughts? There are two aspects that came to mind: the human brain’s tendencies and the devil (enemy).

The Human Brain

Our brains can put deceptive brain messages into our minds that take over our thoughts, emotions, and actions. This can cause us to overreact, overthink, overanalyze, and become filled with the false thought that I am not enough.

Deceptive brain messages are Any false or inaccurate thought, or any unhelpful or distracting impulse, urge, or desire that takes you away from your true goals and intentions in life (i.e., your true self) (Schwartz and Gladding 2011, 4). More importantly, true self is:

Seeing yourself for who you really are based on your sincere striving to embody the values and achieve the goals you truly believe in. It includes approaching yourself, (your true emotions and needs) from a loving, caring, nurturing perspective that is consistent with how your inner guide (wise advocate) sees you.

Schwartz and Gladding 2011, 5

The wise advocate within each of us is the portion of our mind that can see the bigger picture (one’s inherited worth, accomplishments, and capabilities). It can decipher your negative views of yourself, where they came from, and is mindful of the destructiveness of your responses as a result; it wants the best for you, so it encourages you to value your true self (Schwartz and Gladding 2011, 7).

Do you ever receive a compliment and feel like that person is lying? The reason behind that could have sparked from one instance that changed your view of yourself. Perhaps you thought you did well on a test, then you failed it, and your teacher called you dumb. This happened to me, which in turn caused me to view myself as dumb, and that stuck with me for years. I became fearful of exams, fearful of how teachers would perceive me based on the grade I would obtain, and I struggled to study for exams, causing me to do poorly. Once I realized that was a lie based on one traumatic experience, I was able to excel in college. When you have negative thoughts of yourself, it is the same as not using your wise advocate to look at the bigger picture. In my case, the small picture is that I felt dumb because I did poorly on one exam, but the bigger picture is that one exam does not determine my level of ability.

There is a difference between emotions and emotional sensations that you should pay close attention to. An emotion is something you feel based on a true event, i.e., losing a grandparent and feeling sad. An emotional sensation is based on deceptive brain messages, i.e., feeling like people do not care about you, even though you have twenty friends and a family who loves you. Emotional sensations cause you to act in ways that will prevent you from living as your true self and achieving your goals. Perhaps you can find comfort in the fact that your negative thought patterns are scientifically normal, and there are changes you can make if you become aware that these are lies about you, not facts (Schwartz and Gladding 2011, 11-12).

Our deceptive messages become a cycle that can be difficult to break because your brain associates the negative thought or desire with an uncomfortable physical or emotional sensation, leading to an unhealthy action that you do to feel temporary relief. Let’s break this down.

First, you should become aware of your negative self-talk. The deceptive message could be, I am not good enough, I do not matter, I do not deserve to be happy, No one likes me, etc. The emotional sensation would be anxiety, depression, physical sickness, or things of that nature. Your response could be poor eating, avoidance, holding yourself back, alcohol, or other actions. If you want to control your life on healthy terms, you should take meaningful time to become aware of the false thoughts your brain is telling you so that you can run towards your true goals and values, rather than run away because you believe you are unworthy or incapable (Schwartz and Gladding 2011, 15).

Your brain is not you because it is run by a chemical imbalance that sparks from one moment of trauma and influences the brain’s thought patterns. It receives information from the environment, processing it in an automatic way. No thought or awareness is involved, and it does not include your true self or wise advocate into its processes (Schwartz and Gladding 2011, 22). Thankfully, we have our minds, which can give us back our control. Your mind integrates the view of the wise advocate and [uses] insight, awareness, morals, and values to guide your responses and empower you to make choices that are in your long-term best interest, while the brain uses survival of the fittest tactics (Schwartz and Gladding 2011, 23). If you recognize the emotional sensation, then you can better control how you view yourself and stop the poor thoughts in their tracks.

It is easy to feel hopeless and sit in these thoughts; sometimes, we think, This really is who I am; it won’t change, but it can. You were not given a life sentence to not feeling good enough. So what steps should you take to combat the deceptive messages and reverse your thoughts?

One, make mental notes, which is becoming aware and then focusing attention on any thought, urge, sensation, or event as it arises. This will help you recognize what has become a pattern in your brain. My repeated unhealthy thoughts were, I am not good enough. Once you recognize this deceptive brain message, you should relabel it as illogical and irrational. Then you must reframe it into telling yourself, I am good enough because I was made in Jesus’ image. What you just did is use your wise advocate to detect the deceptive brain message (Schwartz and Gladding 2011, 33-34). You are not your brain, so take control of it! This notion will also help you fight off the lies of the devil.

The Enemy

I believe the more important between the influence of our brain’s tendencies and lies of the enemy is the latter. Unfortunately, the enemy knows our weaknesses and can use them to negatively influence us, whether that be our thoughts or our feelings. In 1 Chronicles 21:1, we see that Satan influenced David to count or number the individuals in Israel, which was against God’s command. Through this, we see that the enemy was able to influence David; however, we ultimately do not have to agree, act upon, or partner with the thought of the enemy. Someone may tell you that you are unloved, for example, but it is your decision whether you partner with it or not. The authority is in your hands because we are given free will. Therefore, again, we do not have a life sentence to these negative thoughts. If you are conscious of the areas that you are the weakest in, you can take those emotions and thoughts captive before the enemy gains control, like how we must be mindful of our brain’s deceptive messages and avoid partnering with them.

The existence of familiar spirits is one that not many individuals are aware of. Familiar spirits are evil spirits that observe our behaviors and use them against us. My struggle was the power I gave to guys in relation to my identity, so at my weak points, the enemy specifically used the guys in my life to impact my views of myself. Another struggle of mine was feeling incapable sometimes in what the Lord had called me to do. That is why the enemy used the people that mean the most to me and have influence over my life to tell me that I was not wise enough to write this book or that I was not doing it well enough. The enemy is good at pinpointing our weak spots and attacking them until they can no longer affect us, then he moves on to something else. In James 4:7, it says, …resist the devil and he will flee from you. If we do