Tails from the Grooming Table

By Chelsea Esquivel

What does a day in the life of a dog groomer look like? Why is it so expensive to get your dog’s haircut? Does the groomer know she has makeup running down her face? Wait, is that makeup, or is that something that came out the backside of the dog? Is she just going to leave it there while she drinks her coffee? What is the most common dog name? What is the name heard around the store through the loudspeaker that no one will ever forget? What happens if a dog tries to bite? Do I have to have an appointment? Does my groomer actually care about my dog?

I’m your dog groomer. I have to stand on top of the table to work on big dogs. I have to carry your new puppy like a human baby and rock him back and forth to work on his paws and nails. My workday does not just include bathing and haircutting your precious pup. I wish it did.

I get pooped on, peed on, and all manner of bodily fluids have been on my person, yet I still prefer to work with animals over people. And yes, I really do care about your dog.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Jan 5, 2024
• ISBN: 9798886933642

Chelsea Esquivel

Chelsea Esquivel is a born and raised Texas girl with a snappy attitude. Her love of animals started in utero. This love has deepened like fine wine or good cheese; so much so that she has said on too many occasions, she prefers animals to humans. Her husband’s main worry is that she will bring home another pet. Their current household is only three dogs…so far.

Book preview

Preface

All these stories have actually happened to me or my coworkers over the past ten years I’ve been grooming. Names have been changed to protect human dignity. Human dignity is much more fragile than a dog’s dignity.

I was inspired to record my stories down by many family members and friends. It all started while working crazy overtime over holidays and the end of the year. I would come home too exhausted to even tell my husband about my day. I decided to write him a note. Remind me to tell you about Jinx and his mom. Remind me to tell you about impacted anal glands on this poor dog yesterday. I would come home the next day even more tired. I just decided to write a little synopsis of my day so we would still be communicating. Those notes turned into little stories.

I also had to have the funniest or craziest stories summarized or jotted down in order to entertain a young client of mine. Her dog is my dog’s litter mate (sister). Every two months, I would groom Angelica’s dog, and she would ask me, Have you groomed any crazy dogs recently? Any funny stories or mad owners? I would look at my sticky note to remind myself what had happened over the past three months since I’d groomed Lucky.

Angelica can take some credit for giving me the idea to put these all down in a cohesive manner.

These stories are funny because of the crazy, obnoxious, and humorous things that owners and pets have done. I have many request clients that I love dearly, the doggie and their human parents. Many of them are not mentioned in this book, unfortunately. I could not continue to do my job without their support and kindness over the years. They know who they are. My sincere hope is they realize how much I care for them.

Just to reiterate, these events really happened. This is my life as a groomer.

Introduction

Starting with the Head

Is the customer always right…?

No. The customer isn’t, unfortunately.

I love all animals. I grew up with dogs, cats, turtles (my pet turtle is still alive and living with my parents, and he’s older than I am), guinea pigs, bunnies, an iguana, a packman frog, scorpion, tarantula, and numerous fish. I’m not afraid of snakes or bugs. The idea that I tried to be in a field of work other than working with animals is Bonkersville. I wouldn’t have appreciated the work I do now as a groomer if I hadn’t tried something else first.

As a groomer, I know about your pet’s anatomy, fur, coat, skin, teeth, various haircuts, emotions, temperaments, and capabilities. I do this job because I love animals, not people particularly.

Personally, I do not have a poker face. My mother told me as a child, If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. My face didn’t get that memo. My face ‘says’ and reacts. So, when customers have said unbelievably dumb things, I can’t not make a face or roll my eyes. My eyes have a mind of their own and roll themselves. Or my mouth might not say anything ‘fire-able’; however, my jaw has literally dropped. I grimace, I frown, do the ‘Chelsea look’ and many, many other looks that interpret as How did you make it this far in life? I will not say Covid was a good thing. It wasn’t. Wearing masks has been helpful for me, though. However, my eyes and eyebrows are still visible. This has gotten me in some trouble, especially since I work at a corporate salon. These are some of the things that I have seen, experienced, and faced while grooming for ten years.

I work at a corporate salon. In a corporate environment, everyone has a boss or someone higher than them and reports to their direct manager, and then things get run up the power chain. Corporate has extremely strict rules about safety. I agree safety of the pet is the priority. Corporate has many rules and policies to follow.

Independent grooming salons are wonderful, but I personally have worked in a corporate salon for ten years. This is a predominantly female-driven industry (1/5 male to female groomers).

In our salon, there are cameras everywhere to protect us, the groomers, against false accusations and to protect the pet and owners. I love the cameras. Corporate grooming is rewarding; however, it is extremely fast-paced. We are not show groomers. Show Grooming is basically having only a type of breed you groom to prepare them for competitions, conformation and shows. The way a show dog’s coat is groomed and maintained is different and much more frequent than your average pet. That groomer devotes their time to that one breed, sometimes one specific client, to compete in a show. That is not the corporate world. That is not what I do. I would love to be that talented, maybe one day.

Small salons have their policies also. I’ve been offered positions at many different independent grooming salons. I have also looked into mobile grooming (a van or RV comes to your home and grooms your pet in the groomer’s vehicle). Mobile grooming isn’t for me at the moment, either.

All groomers keep records about pets, haircuts, and owners. There is no global groomer database, but groomers try to share pertinent information. If a client moves, we reach out to help find a groomer friend for that client and pass on our haircut notes. We want the best for our pups and people. There are enough pets to go around for all the groomers to have plenty of business. It doesn’t hurt my feelings when someone says they like Claire’s groom better. Great! If you’re happy, and your pup is happy, then good for you and Claire.

My competition is myself. I want to improve. As long as the pup is healthy and happy, then I’m happy.

1-Great Dane

All babies are small when they are babies. Yes, but size is relative. An elephant baby is small compared to an adult elephant but giant compared to a human baby. A mouse baby is tiny compared to a human.

Ms. Lee booked an appointment for her dog’s bath. She said she had a Great Dane puppy.

When she came in, we asked if Zeus was coming and if she needed to squeeze this baby in for a bath too.

This is Zeus. He’s a puppy. Ms. Lee asserted.

On this visit, we didn’t say anything because puppy baths have no price difference, and it wasn’t worth an argument. Different breed traits and genes can pop up as the puppy grows, so maybe Zeus is some percentage, Great Dane.

A month or so later, Zeus was back. Beagle markings, hazel soulful eyes, long hound ears, and a howl. Honestly, not a giant nor soon-to-be a giant Great Dane.

Okay, Ms. Lee, we have Zeus down. But if we change his breed to a beagle, you’d be saving some money since he’s not that big… My manager suggests but is rudely cut off.

UM NO! He’s a Great Dane. He’s just a puppy, obviously. All babies are little when they’re born. He’ll grow. Have you never seen puppies before? Like, do you even know what a Great Dane looks like? Ms. Lee demands.

Yes, ma’am, Carrie says politely.

I am in the back of the salon. Have YOU ever seen a Great Dane before? I say out loud, and Carrie turns and glares daggers at me.

We get all types of breeds and all kinds of puppies in the salon. They come in all sizes based on the breed… Carrie tries to start back up and is cut off again.

No! Puppies are puppies, and they’re all the same size, little! I bet you don’t even have children, or you would know. All babies are little, and then they grow to be big. She doggedly states.

No, ma’am, I don’t have children. Carrie admits.

Lord, help her children, I say under my breath. I can’t help it. Fight the stupid with the holy spirit. I can’t fight her physically.

I thought so. Ms. Lee asserts with hands on her hips with emphasis. If you did, you’d know that all babies are little. All puppies are little. She continues to argue.

Okay, no problem. I’ll put a note in that Zeus is a Great Dane. So going forward, the note will be in our system, and he will be locked into the Great Dane price. I’ll have you sign saying that these are your wishes, and Zeus is a Great Dane, and this is what you want. Carrie reassures Ms. Lee and types up all the notes.

She will pay more. We warned her and tried to help. With documentation in our system, she cannot say we overcharged her.

Zeus the ‘Great Dane’ still comes in. He’s a good-looking beagle.

2-Dammit White Dog

Many moons ago, we would announce when a doggie-client left the salon. We don’t do that anymore; this pup could be part of the reason why. We would page over the intercom to advertise the freshly groomed pet to bring more business into the salon.

Thank you, Fluffy, for coming to the salon today!

Fluffy looks great leaving the grooming salon after his bath; book yours today!

Ms. Perkins, a petite, well-dressed, mature, and polite African American woman, came in. She’d never been to the salon before and was dropping her dog off. She wanted to wait for him since they rescued him from the streets and this was his first groom.

We went through the standard health questions to check vaccinations and health records. Then we started to input the information into the database.

We just need to put in the basic info. I inform her. I go through all the basics. Your name, breed of dog, age, color, and dog’s name?

Bettie Perkins. Lab mix, about four years, white, male…

And what’s the baby’s name? I ask again.

Can we leave it blank? Ms. Perkins asks.

Confused, I answer, Not really; we have to have a name for him.

Mumbled and under her breath, Ms. Perkins says, Duuu, Whaaa Dog. Is all I heard.

I’m sorry, what was the name? Sure I’d misheard.

Okay, so promise you won’t judge me. She begs, leaning forward and clutching her dainty Prada bag.

Absolutely. Ma’am, we’ve heard it all. Or…so I thought.