I Don't Like Your Kids (And Other Things I'm Afraid to Admit)

By Laura LeBrun

Ever wonder why Mormons have extreme road rage or why dating a cop is like playing Russian Roulette? Perhaps you are confused as to why you need to shave your butt or how viewing pornography will turn you into a serial killer. Luckily for you, Laura LeBrun answers all this and more with the wisdom of a woman who has been there and has your back! Not for the faint of heart, this book was written to make you laugh while educating you on the horrors of everyday life.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Austin Macauley Publishers
• Release date: Aug 30, 2019
• ISBN: 9781528961172

Laura LeBrun

Laura LeBrun is a jack of all trades and a master of none. Laura currently works as anything that will pay her by day and a writer by night. Her number one passion is making others laugh and making them feel good about themselves.

Book preview

Knockin’

About the Author

Laura LeBrun is a jack of all trades and a master of none. Laura currently works as anything that will pay her by day and a writer by night. Her number one passion is making others laugh and making them feel good about themselves.

Dedication

To my mom, my best friend and confidant, who is most assuredly horrified by this book’s contents. To my wonderful children, who have made me a better person and given me loads of writing material. Finally, to the love of my life, Lord Grady LeBrun, who encouraged me and believed in me every step of the way.

Copyright Information

Copyright © Laura LeBrun (2019)

The right of Laura LeBrun to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with section 77 and 78 of the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publishers.

Any person who commits any unauthorized act in relation to this publication may be liable to criminal prosecution and civil claims for damages.

A CIP catalogue record for this title is available from the British Library.

ISBN 9781528915267 (Paperback)

ISBN 9781528961172 (ePub e-book)

www.austinmacauley.com

First Published (2019)

Austin Macauley Publishers Ltd

25 Canada Square

Canary Wharf

London

E14 5LQ

Introduction

When I was a young girl, I pictured myself as a beautiful actress, waiting to be discovered. I knew that someday I’d be giving the verbal finger to all of my haters. It was generally understood, by myself, that I’d be famous and beautiful and the envy of all my childhood bullies.

Then I realized I am neither beautiful nor a good actress, and I hate being the center of attention. I love making people laugh, but I’d prefer to be invisible when I do it. If my life were a reenactment of The Wizard of Oz, I’d be a mixture of the cowardly lion, and the Great and Powerful Oz, with a handful (or two) of the wicked witch. People would travel from across the land to see me, only to find out I’m a somewhat unattractive middle-aged blob, clacking computer keys for a good laugh. Anything for a laugh.

I discovered early on that I had a talent for making people laugh. Usually, it was because I was tripping over something or making ugly faces. Eventually, I matured into making people laugh with my words. A bit of a class clown, but usually when only a couple of people could hear me.

I started writing some of my observations down to make my mom laugh. She did. It was great. So I continued to write, and others thought I was somewhat clever too. I eventually found my voice, writing for blogs and magazines, trying to shed a humorous light on issues other people could relate to. The best part was, I could write at home, no makeup or pants on, and people would have no idea!

Writing was never my profession, but more of a hobby. So I enjoyed it. Eventually, I decided to see if I could put a few of my essays together for a book. A portion of those essays are what make up this book.

Thanks for going on this journey with me! Good luck and may God be with you!

Butthole Shaving

Earlier today I was shaving my butthole when I thought, Why on earth am I shaving my butthole? Buttholes are not meant to be looked at, let alone shaved. But, shaving away, I realized that we are living in the day and age of the naked mole rat. Forget the year of the tiger, it has been the year of the naked mole rat for several decades now. No hair, no problem. Hair? Many problems. For humans that is. I imagine there are reasons why a naked mole rat is naked. Hold on, let me google this.

Okay, I’m back, and loaded with more facts than I ever needed about these rodents. Apparently, naked mole rats don’t need fur because they live deep in burrows in Eastern Africa. These tunnels are very warm, so naked mole rats don’t need fur to stay warm. If they do get cold, naked mole rats will huddle together and share body heat. Their tunnels are also very dark. This means naked mole rats don’t need fur to protect them from the sun. Being bald has a few positives, other than making you look like one tough fucker! Fur can be a good home for bad parasites like fleas. Without fur, the parasites have nowhere to hide.

Perhaps the part I found most interesting was that despite being mostly bald, naked mole rats do have hair in an unusual place. They have hair inside their mouths. Can you imagine? I can’t handle hair in my mouth for two seconds, but these gnarly creatures do it on a daily basis! Scientists think that this hair helps them when they dig burrows. Naked mole rats dig with their long front teeth. The hair might keep them from swallowing dirt as they dig. Fascinating, am I right?

Anyhow, back to butthole shaving. Can you tell I just like to say butthole shaving? I’m sincerely disturbed that we as a specie decided one day that females are unattractive if they happen to have hair anywhere but the following places: top of head, and eyebrows. But be careful. You cannot have too much hair in the eyebrow region, nor can you have too little. But that is it. You can NOT have hair anywhere else. Your lack of hair needs to be perfect. Just like you.

Women, you cannot have too big of ears, nose, or belly. Your teeth must be white and even, and your lips plump and ripe for the taking. Your ass and thighs, however, must not be. Neither should the upper arms wiggle when you move. You must have no wrinkles, gray hair, or large moles. Breasts should be full and round, with perfect areolas and nipples. Your clavicle should always have a divot large enough to easily balance a shot glass. Shoulder blades should also be visible to the naked eye, along with ribs, hipbones, wrists, and ankles. Eyelashes should be long, as well as legs. Toes, on the other hand, must not be long, but fingers should. Hair on the head should be thick, and apparently, it is now a good thing to be ‘thicc’. This is thick with two c’s. Don’t ask me what this means, I have no damn idea.

All in all, it is rather easy to be a physically perfect female. We have all the guidelines, so why are we not all Victoria’s Secret models? I suppose we must just be lazy. It isn’t that we are too poor, have different genetics, or that we may not wish to look like the perfect female. It is that we are lazy. Don’t have the money for hundreds of thousands of dollars of plastic surgery? You didn’t want it enough, or you’d have multiple jobs and no expenses. Simple.

Really though, it is hard trying to be the perfect woman. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on surgery, and that was just to help me not pee myself every time I sneeze! Surprisingly, that wasn’t enough to get me in underwear catalogs or runway shows. Jeez, these standards are impossible. You want a woman to be able to not pee AND walk in a straight line? Good luck finding that sir. Wait, it’s easy you say? There are millions of women who can do that? Huh. Good to know.

Despite all the pressure to be perfect, somehow there are people like me who seem to throw social norms to the wind and look… human. I’ve got wrinkles and love handles and too much mustache hair. But I also wear sunscreen and exercise (sometimes…when I feel like it…after my pants don’t fit), shave and wax. I do these things because ultimately, I feel I need to in order to be attractive. It is certainly no fun, and you end up with an itchy butthole, but it is part of life as a woman. Sad to say, it has always been that way to one extent or another, and probably always will be. Hopefully, we can make it more bearable for our daughters by working with our sons to teach them true value in women is not based on appearance but is found within the entire package. I believe it is possible for social progression. I await with bated breath! Until then, however, I’ll be in aisle 3, trying to sneak a scratch at this itchy butthole.

Paula Blart, Mall Cop

Today, a grown-ass man threw a milk carton at me. He was upset about being asked to leave after closing time. I’m not going to lie. It was AWESOME. He threw a MILK CARTON at me. I mean, I had to really hold myself together to keep from laughing. It was delightful.

What a wonderful day and age we live in! One where a 50-year-old man can throw a milk carton at a security guard for reminding him the mall was closing. I stared at him, he stared right back, then booked it out of there. I felt like I should have received a standing ovation for the dignified manner in which I took that pint-sized missile. It ricocheted off my shoulder and bounced happily down the corridor a few times before landing in a sad pile of itself. Personally, I believe that any form of lactose should never be used as a weapon. And the fact that it was infused with the myriad of delights that is chocolate? Jail time should be served.

This is just one example of why being a ‘Mall Cop’ is kind of the best job ever. Well, in all honesty, the pay is absolutely terrible. Also, no one respects you, and you are forced to be called ‘Rent a Cop’, ‘Fake Cop’ and ‘Paul Blart’ for your entire career. Oh, and you’ll probably walk around in public with your pants unzipped or a booger in your nose at least 4 or 5 times a day. For some reason, this is way more embarrassing when you are supposed to be an ‘authority figure’.

However, there are advantages to being a