That Loving Feeling: A Couples Guide to Transform Hurt & Criticism into Kindness & Gratitude

By Rick Longinotti MFT

This book is a guide for relationships, in the form of a fictional account of a couples communication workshop and the couples who participate in it. The narrators in the book are Sarah and Gene, a retired couple whose long relationship has hit a rough patch. Other couples are Gina and Doris, whose different living habits are a strain on their relationship; Amir and Mei, who are navigating recovery from an infidelity; and Angela and Dave, a couple with young children who are on the verge of breaking up. The leaders of the class are Jessica and Carlos, who are balancing professional lives and having a family. The couples learn to change their habits of thinking, starting with compassion towards themselves.

This is a book for couples who want to experience more closeness—making everyday conversations more satisfying. It's a book for partners who want to speak up for their needs in a way that their partner can hear them without taking offense. It's a book for couples who want to experience the enjoyment of mutual acceptance and giving to each other.

• Language: English
• Publisher: BookBaby
• Release date: Aug 23, 2023
• ISBN: 9798350912821

Book preview

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For Aviva

That Loving Feeling: A Couples Guide to Transform Hurt &

Criticism into Kindness & Gratitude

©Rick Longinotti, MFT

All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Print ISBN 979-8-35091-281-4

eBook ISBN: 979-8-35091-282-1

Cover design by Jasmine Hromjak

Jackal drawings by Gabe Anjo

Table of Contents

Author’s Preface

How to Read this Book

1. Signing Up

2. Listening to My Voice

3. Why Call this Communication Nonviolent?

4. Teach Me Empathy?

5. Hopeful Stirrings

6. The Care Behind Anger

7. Finding Curiosity

8. Being Kind to Myself

9. No Such Thing as a B-word

10. Grieving Un-met Needs

11. Taming Inner Jackals

12. Not Taking It Personally

13. Apology

14. Gene’s Shame

15. The Trap of Identity

16. My Walk with Gina

17. Don’t Feed the Jackal

18. The Hopeless Jackal

19. Hidden demands

20. Making Requests

21. Gene’s Entitlement Thinking

22. A sore subject

23. Our Routine

24. When NVC Doesn’t Work

25. Saying No with Compassion

26. The Breakup

27. Setting Limits and Making Agreements

28. Setback and repair

29. Infidelity

30. Gratitude

AFTERWORD: The Three Skills of Nonviolent Communication

Author’s Preface

Dear Reader,

Aviva and I had been together for 26 years when a friend invited me to a communication workshop given by a psychologist I had never heard of, Marshall Rosenberg. I felt open to learning, but I really didn’t expect to hear anything that I hadn’t heard before. Yet at that day’s workshop I felt challenged in a way that I had not anticipated. I already valued being able to listen to my partner. And at times I listened well. But I didn’t understand what blocked me from listening well at other times. I already valued self-esteem as essential to a successful relationship. But I wasn’t aware of the self-critical thinking in my head—and how it created defensiveness. I didn’t have a reliable way to move from defending myself to accepting myself in spite of my shortcomings. I already valued moral standards like fairness. But I didn’t realize that basing my arguments on fairness was a subtle guilt trip.

Going to that workshop I’d stumbled on a treasure of how to live in partnership. Aviva and I immersed ourselves in learning Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC), a way to listen without taking offense and to speak with greater likelihood that our partner will understand. One of the most valuable benefits was learning how to transform my habitual thinking, She can be so annoying! I grew to understand the reasons that I get annoyed. Now I remind myself that I am not powerless. I have the tools to communicate my needs.

Inspired by learning these habits of the heart, I quit my electrical contracting business and went back to school to become a marriage and family therapist. Aviva and I started leading couples workshops. The couples who attended appreciated that our role plays were real conflicts from our lives. People laughed in recognition that we share the same insecurities and mistakes. Aviva and I shared our own process of moving from hurt and criticism to kindness and gratitude.

This book is a guide for satisfying relationships, in the form of a fictional account of a couples communication class. The fictional characters who attend the class are drawn from my own relationship, my counseling practice, and nearly two decades of couples workshops that Aviva and I have led.

Nonviolent Communication is not just a tool for communication. It’s really about changing our habits of thinking, starting with compassion towards ourselves. I’ve seen changes in myself and, as Aviva can attest, I’m not done yet. The more I can empathize with myself, the more I get free from judgmental thinking of her and others. My kindness towards myself spills out towards Aviva. The things that used to annoy me lose power over me. I’m enjoying the sweetness of my love for Aviva and receiving her kindness and gratitude.

I put my heart into this book in the hope that you will find this story enjoyable and that it will contribute to your relationship.

- Rick Longinotti, MFT

How to Read this Book

Gene and Sarah are the characters whose journal entries narrate each chapter. They are fictional, yet their experiences are not. They are composites of myself and the people I’ve gotten to know.

At the end of most chapters is a list of takeaways that I think many readers will find helpful. Depending on how you like to learn, you may want to start by reading the Afterword: The Three Skills of Nonviolent Communication.

Changing deep-seated habits requires more than an intellectual examination of alternatives. We need to feel an emotional response to the alternatives. That’s my purpose in making this relationship guide into a story where the characters evoke emotions. That said, I know how hard it can be to find time for reading. So if your time is limited, here are the parts of the book that contain key topics:

If you find yourself feeling defensive or hurt, read Ch 8, Being Kind to Myself, as well as Ch 9, No Such Thing as a B-word, an account of women practicing self-empathy, and Ch 11, Taming Inner Jackals, with men practicing self-empathy.

For improving listening skills, read Ch 4, Teach Me Empathy?

For expressing your requests in a way that is more likely to be received with understanding, read Ch 19, Hidden Demands, and Ch 20, Making Requests

For making heartfelt apologies (without guilt spoiling the apology) read Ch 13, Apology

To learn more about Nonviolent Communication, go to the website of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, cnvc.org, the hub of a network of over 900 teachers of NVC throughout the world. Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life is available at https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/. See my website, RickLonginotti.com, for my classes and individual sessions with couples.

1.

Signing Up

Gene’s journal

April 9

Sarah was preparing dinner for our daughter’s visit and I was at the kitchen table cutting onions, zucchini and cauliflower. Sarah said, If Amanda starts talking about her new love interest, I think you should just keep it positive and not ask any questions.

I was instantly irritated. I know how to talk to my daughter!

Sarah’s eyes narrowed in annoyance. Then why did she stop talking to you for a month last year? As she shook her head I watched her gray curly bangs wag across her forehead. This sign of disapproval put me off. I flashed on being attracted to those bangs thirty-five years ago. I used to be amused when her bangs shook in reaction to someone’s petty dishonesty. I called them her bullshit detector antenna.

I defended, It’s because she took something I said personally. I didn’t mean anything critical. As I spoke I got more upset that I was having to defend myself. You’re so critical of me! I want my old wife back. As soon those words escaped my mouth I readied myself for Sarah’s angry response. When she didn’t come back with anger, I waited for signs of an icy chill—the sign that she was deeply offended.

Sarah’s response was unexpectedly calm. I’ve been asking you to go to couples counseling with me. But you don’t seem to want to. So I have a different proposal.

Now her calmness made sense. She had me on the ropes. She walked leisurely over to her desk in the alcove off the kitchen, picked up a piece of paper, and handed it to me. It was an announcement for a couples workshop led by Jessica Vasquez and her husband. Here, look at this. It says she’s a psychology professor at SF State. Do you know her?

I met Jessica before retiring from teaching anthropology at SF State two years ago. She leads a peer-counseling program that is popular among students. She seems down to earth. She is the daughter of immigrants from Mexico who worked in the fields during her childhood. I think she’s deeply committed to her students.

Yes, I like her. Thoughts swirled in my head. I felt embarrassed at the thought that Jessica would see that at age 65 I was having marital issues. Yet I sensed I would agree to go to the workshop, in spite of my embarrassment. I had just said something rude that in other circumstances might have brought chilly silence for a couple of days.

Besides, I was sure Jessica would keep my participation confidential. I responded, I guess it’s never too late to learn something.

Sarah’s eyes brightened. Good. So you’re OK if I sign us up? The class goes for nine weeks. It’s on Monday nights which are free for both of us.

I figured a couples workshop might help us get through this weird time of conflict that we’re having. When I said, I want my old wife back, it felt like the truth. I don’t remember us bickering like we have in the last couple of years. Oh, we had our blowout arguments over the years. But now every day it seems she takes offense about something. We’ve been around each other more since I retired. But it seems to me that there’s more to it than proximity. I seem to be on guard, ready for her to find fault with me: I didn’t speak to her the right way. I didn’t speak to our son or daughter the right way. Even if it was years ago it’s still fresh with her. She was embarrassed about the way I told a story to friends. Then there are the countless decisions where our disagreements seem harder than before: whether to buy another car, where to go on vacation. And after all these years she doesn’t like the way I wash the dishes. That actually bothers her a lot.

As I write about my complaints, they seem like things she and I should be able to figure out on our own. I tell myself to just let go of my resentments. Then there are times when my patience evaporates. I erupt. It’s as if I’ve been harboring resentments that I don’t even know about. Maybe this couples class will help.

I had another reason to say yes to the class. The flier said it was based on the practice of Nonviolent Communication, developed by Marshall Rosenberg. Years ago I went to a workshop led by Rosenberg and found him refreshing. One of the first things out of his mouth was, I’m not going to tell you anything you don’t already know.

Hallelujah! I thought. He’s not a self-anointed guru. He let his audience know that he sometimes has a hard time practicing these communication skills with people who are close to him. Growing up in urban Detroit he learned what he called jackal thinking. Expletives flew out of his mouth when someone cut him off in traffic, or when some authority figure tried to throw his weight around. He needed to develop a compassionate attitude towards himself, and found a way to relate to others where both parties could get their needs met.

Rosenberg’s approach had perked up my anthropologist’s interest. He had a conviction that when society tries to influence people to act morally through rules and social pressure, it often backfires. People rebel against social pressure. Rosenberg argued that our relationships are laden with guilt when we are rule-bound. He believed that people have a natural instinct of generosity that is a more powerful motivator than guilt. He said his Nonviolent Communication aims to liberate that natural generosity from the obstacles in its way. Rosenberg articulated in his own way what my teacher Stuart Schlegel discovered living with the Teduray people in the rainforest of Mindanao, Giving is the most fun game we humans know how to play.

Lost in thought, I was staring out the multi-pane window watching the fog blow in across the sea of small houses in the valley stretching out to Daly City. Sarah crossed in front of my vision and sat down at the kitchen table. She smiled, The class is called Couples Tuneup. It’s for couples who are functioning well—like us. I figured she was trying to ease the threat to my ego: the professor becoming the student, admitting that our marriage needs help.

I told Sarah yes.

Oh good! She got up and threw her arms around me. As I began to celebrate averting the icy chill, she let go of the hug. Wait a minute. I’m mad at you. But her face told me she wasn’t terribly offended.

I joked, Hey I’m agreeing to go to husband rehab. Doesn’t that score some points?

Yes. Sarah smiled. And it’s not husband rehab. It’s for both of us to improve communication.

Right. I responded. Sarah probably thought I had the most to learn from this class. I don’t deny that. But there was a part of me that wanted her to learn too. Could she stop being critical of me?

Sarah’s journal

April 9

It feels good to return to writing in a journal. I had been doing it since I was a teenager, and stopped around ten years ago. I’m amazed I found quiet moments for journal writing between mothering two kids and teaching high school. I had an idea that it would help Gene and me get the most out of the class if he and I kept notes and we discussed them. Gene said he was already planning to make notes on the class. Later we edited our notes with the help of the recordings we made of the classes.

Attending a workshop with Marshall Rosenberg years ago intrigued Gene. He told me, I don’t know if I buy everything about Rosenberg’s approach, but he makes an interesting case that our natural generosity is our most powerful motivation.

At the time I didn’t want to pursue Gene’s musings on human nature. I was just glad he was thinking about generosity. Maybe that generous spirit would shine in my direction. It’s funny about Gene. When he turns his student brain onto something, he’s got the discipline to make it part of his life. I stifled a giggle at my mental image of Gene reading through a stack of books on generosity. Maybe that would help!

After so many years together I am feeling discouraged about our relationship. Gene complains that I am frequently finding fault with him. There is more than a grain of truth in that. I seem to have exhausted my reservoir of patience with him. Maybe I am just tired of taking it, meaning accepting situations that I am unhappy about. My mother’s maxims prepared me for a life of accepting things that I didn’t like. I experienced plenty of acceptance (or was it resignation?) working in the school system. But in the prayer of the 12-step Program, accepting is meant for things you can’t change. Maybe in my relationship I’ve been accepting things that I can change. I think that was my mother’s mistake. I think it looked to her as if she didn’t have alternatives. I was determined not to follow her path.

We have conflicts on a daily basis about a variety of things big and small: Gene getting indignant that I want to hire someone to replace the bathroom window (He says he can do it) or that I want to have input on where to invest our savings (I didn’t used to care). The one that flared up yesterday is when I tried to prep him to avoid a clash with our daughter. He took offense.

Maybe my biggest source of dissatisfaction is our lack of companionship. When we first got together I knew that Gene wasn’t a great conversationalist. I thought of him as still water that ran deep. I was attracted to his calm demeanor. It balanced my emotional reactivity. Gene would tell me that he was attracted to me on account of my expressive reactions. He liked that I didn’t bottle up my feelings. When we both experienced something in the world that was poignant or something unjust, my reactions spoke for both of us. I think it gave Gene an opening to express himself. When we were first together, we would stay up late talking. These days, Gene is a master of the one-word response. Some of our best conversations happen after he downs coffee to stay alert while driving on a long trip. He gets positively chatty. But he doesn’t drink coffee at home. So I rarely feel like I am truly engaged with him.

Gene is a kind man and a loving father to our grown children. I love him dearly. But he has a hard time being present. When I’m telling a story his eyes tell me that he has drifted off onto some other thought— like preparing for his blog writing. I guess I harbored a wish that when he retired he would be more present for me—that we would have deep conversations that brought us closer together. Instead our daily lives seem best characterized as what toddlers do with each other: parallel play. In the morning, Gene begins working on his blog or email correspondence, while I take care of tasks and keep up with friends or our children. In the late afternoon he heads out for a long walk or a bicycle ride or puts some time into the yard. We have dinner together, which I’m glad about. But often Gene wants to turn on the news while we eat. I’m a bit embarrassed to admit that I want something more. Is that unreasonable?

2.

Listening to My Voice

Sarah

May 2: Workshop Day 1

Workshop Leaders: Jessica and Carlos

Couples besides us:

Doris and Gina

Dave and Angela

Amir and Mei

Gene and I approached the public library on 24th St. and Valencia where the workshop was to be held. I was dismayed to feel butterflies in my gut. Somehow I thought that I shouldn’t get nervous about going to a couples class. But there it was, the old familiar unease.

As we walked towards the door of the workshop, my anxiety increased. I thought, Why did I sign up for this? If they want us to reveal ourselves in front of the group, I’m out of here. I was kicking myself for pressing Gene to agree to this. On the way here he actually seemed excited to see what the workshop was about. What if he likes it and I want to go home? That’s what I get for trying to manipulate—no—that’s his word—for trying to make our marriage better. One of us needs to take the initiative and it’s not him!"

It felt good to get stirred up. It gave me the determination that I