A Passion for More

By Susan Shapiro Barash

A Passion for More an intimate and trailblazing look at the reasons women in monogamous relationships and marriages take a lover. In this breakthrough book, women confide how they balance the emotional and physical aspects of their trysts.

Follow Susan Shapiro Barash's fascinating and provocative investigation into the reasons why and how a diverse group of women in their twenties to their eighties conduct affairs outside their marriages and committed relationships. Through personal accounts of over seventy women, we get a wide-angle picture of how women choose a lover as a form of self-exploration and agency.

In A Passion for More, Susan breaks down and analyzes the four types of affairs:

— EMPOWERING AFFAIRS

— SEX-DRIVEN AFFAIRS

— LOVE AFFAIRS

— SELF-ESTEEM AFFAIRS



A Passion for More reveals:

 How having a lover helps a woman to remain in an unhappy marriage or relationship,

How women renegotiate a marriage/monogamous relationship after the affair

How women renegotiate a marriage/monogamous relationship after the affair,

How an affair can improve one's marriage/monogamous relationship,

How an affair is often the catalyst to leave a marriage/longstanding relationship.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Meridian Editions
• Release date: Oct 20, 2023
• ISBN: 9781959170020

Book preview

Empowering Affairs

Introduction by Dr. Jessica Lighter

Dr. Jessica Lighter has a Ph.D. in psychology and has been in private practice for twenty-four years. The issues she most often deals with concern women: feminism, dual-career families, divorce, the effects of maternal employment on families.

Dr. Lighter’s feeling is that, since there are more opportunities for women today on every level, women are looking for strategies to balance different aspects of their lives.

"Because women have joined the work force and have more autonomy over their own schedules and make their own money, real money, there is greater opportunity for them to associate with men as their peers and to pick and choose these men as their lovers.

"When a woman wants to meet a man for dinner and she is married, she is now able to pull it off. She has the money to treat for dinner and to pay for the hotel. Twenty-five years ago, this option was not possible. Currently, enough women move in and out of hotels and restaurants as part of their business lives that neither they nor the hotel clerks flinch when a woman registers for a room.

Women have reached a level of parity, an equalization, of power status and economic remuneration. They have allowed themselves to make the same transgressions as their male counterparts of similar status. Such transgressions include extramarital affairs.

Dr. Lighter also recognizes a stage-of-life and age perspective in what transpires with married women and their lovers.

"Today the attitude of a woman in her late twenties or early thirties concerning an affair differs from that of a woman in her late thirties or early forties. The younger woman sees it as a possibility in a lifetime of marriage. These younger women were brought up at a time when women were encouraged to explore and discover their sexuality and received tacit acknowledgment from the media concerning this. What applies to women of any age, however, is the battle against a society where only a male’s sexuality is celebrated.

The entitlement of women in the workplace and in terms of sexuality began in the sixties, but there are periods of greater and lesser progress in their liberation. While the general research will tell you that married women are having affairs in greater numbers, I am not sure whether or not the trend will continue. A woman is now less chained to her marriage because of her monetary and emotional independence. Therefore when this woman remains in her marriage she is doing it out of choice rather than necessity. This in turn may provide for a stronger marriage.

"Sometimes there is the ‘thunderbolt’ that may walk into a woman’s life. The thunderbolt is chemically and electrically shocking, someone who is unexpected, an attraction which shakes a woman up. Perhaps something has been missing for a woman to notice this man, perhaps not. The situation would be identical if the gender roles were reversed. The point is that the woman or man can make a conscious choice to follow the affair through. They have the power and thus the choice.

"The decision to have an affair is not guilt-free for women or men, particularly for women who are brought up to be caregivers and guilt-takers. For these women, a strong component of guilt or shame is often associated with the affair.

"Another phenomenon is the concept of ‘experiencing’ younger men, which is more common today than ever before. Younger men may aid in keeping a marriage intact, as younger women did for married men for so many years. The younger man becomes the object for the older woman as the younger woman has been historically for the older man. A man has traditionally traded his currency, i.e., wealth, power and status, for sexually nubile women. Today women are out there working and excelling and they are now trading in the very same currency for sexually nubile men. These women panic less when they are no longer young and beautiful. Women are presently entering the same sphere. They are attaining the same ability to feel great about themselves as a result of their achievements.

"These women are able to take their ‘boy toys’ as men took their mistresses, because a woman’s currency has also increased. She too wants to keep intact her home and family. Therefore her lover may never reach the level where he is a threat to her marriage.

What we are witnessing is a ‘short-term lease’ view of young, sexual men, or men in general, instigated by women. Why upset the whole family when you can lease him, short or long term, for whatever need he fulfills? And so women are coming into their own, adapting these relationships to suit their requirements as men have done throughout the generations.

The question of why certain women act out and others do not vis-á-vis lovers is case-by-case as it is for men, according to Dr. Lighter.

"There is no one answer for so complex an issue. Each person brings her own creativity and set of issues to the situation.

"In the new millennium, our society questions whether marriage is necessary to have children, whether men have to be the larger wage earners in a marriage or relationship, whether mothers have to be under forty to begin a family.

Whether or not to have an affair becomes an issue to consider along with the other changing issues of our time.

Jennifer

Jennifer lives in Los Angeles where she is a freelance dance teacher. She is twenty-eight years old and from a Slovenian background. She has been married for three years and has no children. When she was growing up her parents knew no one who was divorced and presented as a very stable couple. Her childhood was a good one and early in her life she began to dance professionally. She tells us it was a focused upbringing and the family was immersed in relationships with like-minded friends and relatives. This includes her husband, who is three years older and from a similar background and the same culture. They met in a dance competition when they were teenagers.

I can’t say I’m happily married because my husband and I have such different styles. I’m very responsible and he’s not. It drives me crazy. He’s a mess and I see things in the long term. He thinks only in the moment and can act almost too young. He’s not smart enough and doesn’t excite me. He is cute and from a good family. He has the looks and anyone would say how attractive he is but his intelligence is not like mine. I’m disappointed for sure. I’ve been unhappy for ages, watching my husband, waiting for him to change, to be an adult. He has the potential and I keep waiting, while he has made no effort. He’s too spoiled in every way and that’s the problem. In his family his mother is the head of the household and she micro-manages the men. It hasn’t worked out well for her sons and none of them have benefitted. His thought is that his parents will save him. The mother is powerful enough that I’ll go to discuss something important with her and not with him. That’s how it is.

For the last two years, Jennifer has been having an affair with an older man.

"I met my lover when he was helping with a new kitchen in a relative’s apartment. He is the contractor. He is twenty years older, with kids and he’s now separated. He started this divorce a year ago. I love him but I am not in love with him, which is horrible since he’s in love with me. I spend time with him in a mutual friend’s empty apartment. We see each other a few times a week and that has been consistent. He is always kind and warm toward me, very loving and never ever anything else. I think he knows I won’t leave my husband but still hopes I might one day.

At the beginning I thought about my husband and worried how hurt he would be if he ever found out. This man and I are very careful and so I don’t worry about that anymore. Now I feel worse for the lover since he’s so involved with me in every way, truly a friend and a lover. He’s been there for me. This man does everything for me, beyond everything and I don’t always treat him right. Because he’s so in love with me, I feel awful that I can’t return his feelings. He loves me so much, too much; I’ve never had anything like it in my life. When we get to spend time together it calms him down. He needs me and has big plans for me, for us, and I don’t for him. I get to see him easily because we live near each other and have a good set up.

Jennifer feels that the sex in both relationships can be controlled, and this is significant for her.

I keep sex to a minimum with both men. Sex isn’t what pushes either of these relationships, it’s more about personal feelings. I know I have to end the affair because it’s more a convenience. I’m also giving my husband time to see how things can change with him. Would he be able to change? My ambition is that he is able to do better. Meanwhile, I’m also busy with my work and earn enough money as a dance teacher and consultant. I have a large clientele and I’m confident about what I do. I’d like to have another business as well and so I’m focused on that. I’d like more flexibility with time at this point and having a happy marriage would help. If not, it gets too complicated.

Recently Jennifer was on vacation and met another potential lover.

While I was at a resort, I met another man. He hit on me and this time I was intrigued. Could this be the next guy, I thought, because there is some kind of spark. Meeting another person made me wonder about being independent, doing things on my own. I wondered too what another wave of experiences could be. I know I have to be careful who I go with, even if I’m interested. I realize how important it is to be cautious and what would be too much of a risk. I don’t want my husband to learn anything and then how can I start with someone else when I have a lover who would be devastated? I’d prefer to skip all that, unless I can get what I want from my husband or my lover. I don’t think the lover is the answer and while he’s a very good person who has gotten me through circumstances, we won’t end up together. I don’t want to. I try not to think about it because for now we are together.

When I step back, I realize my work should be my priority. I wish I had a mentor and I know how important it is that I do something for myself and not look to a man for the answer. I do love my husband but we don’t share a view of life. I appreciate my lover, but not enough to run away with him. I want everything in the same person.

What is interesting about Jennifer’s interview is that she is using the men in her life as an exploration of self. She isn’t satisfied with her husband and has doubts about her lover and thus is curious about the next possible man who might enter and could be the answer. It’s as if she’s shopping for men to fill a void when she also appears keenly aware that she has much to offer on her own. She is both hoping to depend on a man who is capable and strong, and cognizant of how this might not be the answer.

Abbie

Abbie, who lives in Nevada, has been married twice. Her first marriage took place when she was twenty-one and lasted for twenty-four years. Four years later, she remarried. Today, at the age of sixty-eight, she tells us that both marriages have been disappointments. When reflecting on her childhood, she says that her parents’ rotten marriage affected her deeply. In high school she wasn’t interested in boys and her mother’s take on her father proved to her that one does not need to have a man to be content. The affair that she had took place during her first marriage and was a wake up call.

After I’d been married to my first husband, George, for fourteen years, I began carrying on with a younger man. I look back on it now and I understand what it was all about, it taught me something. It was tons of fun and I was attracted to him or I wouldn’t have done what I did. He was five years younger and had two small children. We’d met through my husband — he worked at his company and I was working there on occasion — per project. It was a low point for me, I’d gotten hives on my face and neck and the doctors weren’t sure why or how to make them go away. It was awfully hot where we were and that only made it worse. My husband was in the furniture making business and worked long hours, his product was in demand. He was always thinking about his work when he wasn’t at work. It was a time when I was down on myself because I didn’t actually have a career and I was this young housewife supported by my husband. I had all that I wanted and then some, but I wasn’t happy.

Although life was fine materially, Abbie felt adrift and alone during this phase of her marriage.

"There I was, trapped at a young age. By the time I was in my mid-thirties, it seemed natural to explore a little. I know this can be dangerous, and each woman has to consider that. For me, it was fine to get out there because I needed to not be put down, to feel adored.

"Boredom was definitely part of it because I did love my husband, I really did. Except he was too busy to spend time with me. We’d gotten together too young and we had no interests in common. Whatever it was that drew us together had fizzled out by the time I met my lover. My husband was selfish and it made me feel bad. Then this guy, Brad, and I were thrown together whenever I was at the main location of the company. We’d go on errands together, which was innocent enough, except I was very attracted to him. He was like my husband in some ways — how he’d been when we first met. Younger and fun loving, open to all kinds of things. That made it very different. I felt freer because Brad was freer. There was something so appealing about it. You never forget how that felt.

We would go out of our way to be together and end up at restaurants in the beginning. After a while, we’d go to the house while my husband was at work. There was no chance that he’d show up. This went on a few days a week, long before cell phones so there were no phone calls, no texting, that would have been too risky. We were together for months.

When it became too serious, Abbie began to reconsider.

"Brad was getting in deep and I knew I had to end it. We were in bed together one day at the house, naked, and about to have sex. It hit me that it was a huge mistake, how we were all over each other. Even though he couldn’t keep his hands off me, and it was intense, I kept telling myself I wasn’t crossing a line. It was an affair of the mind while we were kissing or teasing each other, but when it became more, I stopped. He was the one who wanted everything. He sometimes seemed like a raging sex addict and that part frightened me. I said I knew damn well I couldn’t do this, we both were married, he had little kids. It almost seemed silly. Had I not said that, who knows what a mess it would have been.

He was sorry and didn’t want to lose what we had, but he listened to me. After that, I didn’t want it to be awkward since we’d still be together for work assignments and clients. I knew it was the smart thing to stop and because I trusted him entirely, I knew he’d listen. We respected each other. I didn’t worry that he’d stalk me and I wanted us to be friends since we’d still be in work situations where we were together.

Once Abbie stopped seeing Brad, she realized what it had meant to her.

"Brad made me feel more desirable and that was hard to give up. I felt appealing again and those feelings belonged to me. While we were together, I could rationalize it. I hardly knew his wife, I’d only met her a few times. Sure, he knew George well, he worked for the company, but every man I met — every man who hit on me back in the day — was through my husband. The relief I felt that my husband never found out, nor did Brad’s wife, mattered to me.

This affair didn’t do anything for my marriage, it didn’t change how my husband seemed to me. It just helped me get over my upset over my hives, over my decision about work. That was enough actually.

"I have no regrets, the affair showed me something and opened my eyes and I brought it along to my second marriage. I know that George would have thrown me out had he known. He and I were never on the same emotional wave-length and he wasn’t the type to consider why it had happened. He wouldn’t have asked himself what was missing in our marriage. Instead he would have been enraged that he made the money and provided the lifestyle while I went out and had a fling. He was married to his business but expected me to be a certain type of wife. I was secondary in his life and that was hurtful.

All these years late, I understand why women have affairs — it’s almost a natural thing to do. People change and I was someone who would have been happier with my lover than my husband had circumstances been different. My husband and I had changed and grown apart, I needed something new to feel like my old self again, to save myself.

As a mature woman, Abbie has insight into what the affair provided for her. With a husband immersed in his business with no energy for her and her own lack of involvement with a career, this lover gave her a sense of meaning. His attention and caring offered a method to work through her feelings. The decision to halt the affair at a very intense period in the relationship underscores her practical nature. She understood that if she had been discovered with Brad, her husband would be infuriated and unforgiving. Abbie used her affair as a window into her own psyche and was able to benefit from her lover’s attention.

Elaine

Elaine comes from Southern California where she presently lives. She is twenty-six and works as a graphic artist. When she considers her childhood, she depicts her parents as having argued often although they shared the same values for their children in terms of education, marriage and future successes. For the past four years Elaine has been in a long-term monogamous relationship that has the expectations of a marriage. Throughout this commitment, she has been involved with other men. She views her behavior as antithetical to her upbringing and describes her mother as very strict with many rules. While her father was less strict, he followed her mother’s lead. Elaine believes that neither parent would approve or understand her decision to break a vow.

"I’ve been in a serious relationship with Joe ever since I finished college. He is a true partner. Joe and I are from the same hometown and same country originally. We were taught the same first language. We have a lot of things in common and we can relate to each other. Our backgrounds are similar, and we know it’s easy on that level. He loves me but I’m not sure I love him. We have been together for so long because he cares about me. I can’t imagine changing that. He’s doing well, he’s a few years older and in finance. He wants to marry me and everything in our relationship is like being in some young engagement or something.

A few years back, I met my lover, Peter, through a mutual friend. He is from the same country, Singapore, like my partner, Joe and like me. The three of us are all the same race and ethnicity. Peter is my age and single and we get to meet several times a month with lots of texting in between our get-togethers. When we meet, he’ll come to my place if my partner is traveling for work or if he is visiting his family. I really like this other man and I’m so glad when I see him. He’s very different than the guy I’m committed to. He has this lively personality; he’s eccentric and outgoing, and willing to try new things. He doesn’t want to settle down and be with me like we’re a married couple. While Joe isn’t as giving as Peter, he is the one who wants us to be committed and talks about what’s ahead. That’s why I look to Peter for the fun and the excitement. There are no ties, it’s easy.

Elaine describes a pattern where she will go to her lover whenever she is upset with her partner or disappointed.

"If something goes wrong, I go right to Peter to be better. The only one who knows about it is my best friend and she just listens without judging what I’m doing. Joe would be furious if he knew and he would possibly break up with me. He knows nothing, so it’s okay for now. Every once in a while, I wonder if it’s worth the risk, and the answer is no. I do want to be with Joe and I do want us to get married. Except there are the problems that can’t be solved. Or I don’t know how to solve them. I keep going to Peter when Joe and I have an issue. I don’t feel guilty about it because Joe can be unkind. That’s when I’ll turn to Peter for comfort. An issue with Joe is that he lies about small things and it doesn’t work for me. It’s a chronic problem. He’ll lie about being with friends and then he does something else. It might not seem significant, but he always does it and I’m not sure why. What can it mean and who is he?

It means I can’t trust him. So I don’t feel guilty when I turn to Peter because Joe has made me angry. The strange part is that I trust Peter and I don’t think he’d lie about anything. In our case, I’m the one who isn’t truthful. He knows I have a partner, but he really isn’t aware of the level of commitment. He is always trying to see me more and he’ll text and ask if Joe is around or if he’s traveling. Peter makes it sound lighthearted, like I’m dating someone else, that’s all, but it isn’t the case.

I sleep with both men at the same time when it can’t be avoided. I try not to think about it. Sex is different, both are very good at it but their styles are not the same. When I’m not with Peter I think about him. Yet I could give him up — even though I don’t want to — and I cannot give up Joe. That has to be happening.

Although she isn’t overly concerned about being discovered, Elaine is aware of the risks and her feelings for both men.

"I am always guarded and slightly on edge when I’m with Peter. Like I’m playing some sort of game when I know my goal is to pursue my long-term relationship with Joe. I’m not sure about my family, but his family wants us to end up together. I realize that Joe has also made sacrifices for me. Our families know each other, we have the same friends, and it all fits well, it’s safe. Besides, Joe is there for me, I can be emotional and he’ll calm me down. I’m not sure how it will play out since Peter is a way for me to get through and not be shaken. Most of the time Joe is okay, except for every week or two when we argue. There’s this time period where it’s good, then the fighting begins.

I am in love with Joe and not in love with Peter. With him it’s another kind of love, less strong. I’m more adventurous with him in terms of sex and what we talk about. I know that I’m more open and it’s a more independent relationship for me. I’m not dependent on him at all. With Joe there’s that day-to-day stuff where we seem to depend on each other.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s karma in this. Will Joe do the same thing to me if he finds out and I get very afraid? I tell myself I should stop with Peter but since Joe doesn’t know and I could easily stop if I want, I keep it going. If we did stop, I think that Peter would get over it too. Right now he knows he’s not the most important one in my life and he’s okay with it. Except when he occasionally gets jealous and there’s this tone when he asks if Joe is around. That’s how it’s playing out and for today I’m fine with a lover and a partner.

Elaine is quite aware of her need for her lover in her life and isn’t able to give him up. She is committed to Joe but her doubts haven’t been addressed. Instead she seeks her lover as an escape and for comfort. Although Elaine tells us that Joe is more important and her love for him is more profound, her attachment to Peter has not been put to the test. She might not realize the depth of feeling she has for her lover. She claims she is able to let him go and projects that they would both manage a breakup, yet she isn’t willing stop seeing him at present. Elaine’s experience is emblematic of an affair that makes the primary relationship more manageable.

Sarah

A forty-five-year-old woman, Sarah, spoke in a throaty, confident voice about her experiences with her lovers. What was most striking was her ability to analyze her own sexuality and the results she expected from these relationships.

It was obvious from meeting Sarah that she has a heightened self-awareness and is in touch with her specific needs. Her upbringing was not conventional and she feels it is that exposure that allows her to proceed as she does.

She described her first marriage as unusual.

My husband was older by a substantial number of years. After a time I began to grow as a person and he began to feel insecure that I’d leave him for a younger man. He began to belittle me in many areas and made me feel worthless and inept in every aspect of my life. He enjoyed being a Pygmalion, educating me, introducing me to a higher quality of life, a material life.

The trouble came when Sarah began to develop on her own. By that time they had a child. She portrays herself as fairly desperate. When she was in her late twenties, he pulled the ropes tighter and tighter. If she went out with friends or to work, he would check on her to see that she was at the place she claimed to be.

Although she was not involved with anyone else, her husband did not believe it. Soon after, they became divorced, an unexpectedly benign episode.

The divorce was easy because I made the decision to get free from him, thinking it was more important than any material thing I might have to fight for.

When asked how she felt about men during this interval, Sarah defined her needs.

I was looking to other men for affirmation that I was still an attractive human being. I was very intimidated by men. At the end, we did not get divorced right away but split up physically. My husband moved away and I got involved with someone. It was not a love-seeking relationship but an affirmation of my worth. I wanted to feel beautiful, desired, strong, intelligent. I had lost all that.

She considered herself still married, although separated, and it was at this juncture that she began to take on lovers. She had two lovers at the same time, which she described as predominantly physical relationships.

"Both