Boy from Tallinn

By Alexandra Berrocal

I was friends with a neo-Nazi for three months. Being an autistic, queer, half-Hispanic woman, this is rather unusual. However, if you want to know more about him and about us, feel free to give this book a whirl. I hope you will at least be entertained.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Alexandra Berrocal
• Release date: Jul 12, 2023
• ISBN: 9781088192924

Book preview

1

Dedication

For anyone who has ever had a loved one become a neo-Nazi

2

A Remix of Your Guts

The year was 2022.

I had stopped attending the Zoom meetings for the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance earlier in the year and was looking for a replacement. I came across one called Mask online, on Discord. There were people in crisis right, left, and center with all kinds of mental health issues, and no professionals or certified peer mentors there to help them. It was a disaster. I was a victim of some anti-Semitic teasing there. But moments later, Mica sent me his first message.

-hey! I think I’ve seen you around! You’re part of the attic, right?- he said

The Attic is another mental health server, not as large as Mask.

-yeah, but I’m not very active on there- I replied

-you american?- he asked

-yes. You?- I answered

-nah. I’m from Estonia- he replied

-you don’t say! Isn’t that the country that won its independence by singing?- I asked.

-well that’s how it started, yes. That’s cool! I never thought an American would know about Estonia- he answered.

Independence by singing. I knew a little about that.

Estonia has a very unusual history. Unlike most countries in the world, they won their independence by singing. Like India, as far as I know, they gained their independence largely nonviolently. Because of this, as far as I know, singing is particularly important in their culture, particularly choral singing. It is a Baltic country that is next door to Russia, Lithuania, and Latvia. The capital is Tallinn, where Mica lives.

I smiled and sent him a smiley emoji.

-do people still sing a lot?- I asked.

-it’s dying out with the younger generation- he said.

-that’s sad- I said.

-well…I can’t really sing. I have a lisp and an accent. I’ve lost my voice.- he said.

One of the first things he did was send me a clip of Rammstein singing their song, Amerika. He also sent me the lyric translation, since the song was in German. I found nothing objectionable in the lyrics, and the song was pretty good. However, I know that Rammstein is a pretty controversial band due to imagery used in some of their music videos and concerts. However, Mica also sent me a clip of Metallica singing Master of Puppets. That was pretty good too. I never went on to listen to either song again, or explore their genres however.

-you’re mixed race I believe- he said.

What does race have to do with it? I was annoyed. I thought it was a dumb remark. Yes, I am mixed race, but I don’t want to discuss that with everyone I come across on the internet.

I told him I had autism. He said -wait what kind of autism?-

I said -high functioning autism- A lot of autistic people don’t like functioning labels, but I don’t mind them too much. If I were more involved in the autism community, I might mind, but for now I don’t.

-what do you think of neo-Nazis, anyway?- he asked.

I said, -I think they’re misguided at best, and dangerous at worst-

-the holocaust didn’t happen- he said

Oh brother I thought not another one.

The reason I didn’t immediately block him is that I didn’t take him very seriously. I thought of Nazis as something that mainly existed during World War II, and had little relevance anymore. I wouldn’t learn the scope of the world’s Nazi problem until I started my own research into the topic, some months later.

Also, during my last hospitalization (I was twenty-one years old), I was on the same ward with a Holocaust denier. I am not sure if he was a white supremacist, he may well have been. Since there was nowhere else for me to flee to (I was already fleeing an anti-semitic woman on the ward next door), I had no choice but to make friends with this man. I did such a good job of this that