Bloody Royale

By Alexandra Berrocal

Bloody Royale is a book of essays about homeschooling, death, the LGBTQ community, friendships, losing friends, being a bad friend, being diagnosed with bipolar disorder, living with bipolar disorder, music, having a passion for music, and being half Latina.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Alexandra Berrocal
• Release date: Jun 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9781088180648

Book preview

1

Homeschooling

The first day that I attended a homeschool writing club was the happiest of my life. Perhaps it was something about the gray tree that we were all climbing, laughing and telling jokes, or pretending to fall down as we did so. Maybe it was when we were throwing sand around, chasing the boys. Maybe it was sliding down the giant metal slide, even though we were all supposedly too old for that. But we were all happy, so that was all that mattered.

When I was little, I owned a necklace that turned blue when I was happy. The carpet of the floor of the room that we did writing club in was blue, too, like my happiness. I might have liked hanging out with the boys at my old school if I hadn’t been too depressed by school to enjoy their company. I really liked the boys at the writing club, though. I liked them better than the other girls did, I think. But I didn’t want to kiss them. I wanted to be friends with them and hang out with them, and be in on their plots to take over the world.

Kayla saying, Poetry is not for me, but it just might be for you, made me bust my guts, just like most of the other submissions that the homeschoolers made to the writing club. Art class doesn’t really compare, does it? said one of the people to me when we were all throwing sand around. I should also mention that in addition to the homeschool writing club, I also went to something called Monday Park Day. That was another place homeschoolers went to hang out. I would take many walks around the lake at Park Day, but there was something captivating about walking around the lake at Writing Club for the first time, talking and laughing with the other girls as we joked about Shannon’s dog being a Republican (one of America’s more right-wing political parties). Back when being a Democrat (an American left-wing party) or a Republican was still a laughing matter. There was also a book club where the intention was to discuss the classics. Most of the time, we discussed zombies. Less often, we discussed the actual book. I was always in stitches because the conversations were always so funny.

But most of all, even though life with other homeschoolers wasn’t always perfect and sometimes I had trouble belonging, I was proud and happy to be where I was. I did not want to go back to school. I loved the freedom that homeschooling gave me; where I could get up and go to the bathroom in the middle of an assignment without having to ask anyone’s permission. I loved that I could start when I wanted, and stop when I wanted. I wouldn’t have been happy to go to school again, and when my Mom put me in a school-like Independent Study, I wasn’t. Because nothing could compare to a morning of homework, an afternoon of writing club, and walking to Teen Open Studio Tuesday evenings where my friend Jude made little toilets and I worked on more serious stuff. You’d think, him being religious, it would be the other way around. But no.

There is a stereotype that all homeschoolers are religious. That stereotype actually has a grain of truth to it. Two of my best homeschooling friends were both Christian. However, they were also respectful people. They didn’t try to convert me to their faith tradition once, even though most non-denominational/evangelical Christians encourage this sort of behavior in their kids. Their parents didn’t homeschool them primarily due to religious faith, either. Jude was getting bullied pretty badly in his old school, and Nikki had read The Teenage Liberation Handbook and had accessed School Survival. My mom says that no family would homeschool a child just because they read a book. With all due respect, she just doesn’t understand. I did a pretty good job hiding my depression from her, but I am not certain that Nikki did as good of a job of hiding her depression from her family. So it is possible that her family took her depression at having to go to school into account when deciding to homeschool her.

2

Headscarves and Music

On the rare occasion that people ask me about my headscarf, they most likely ask if I am Muslim. I am not Muslim, but a Unitarian Universalist. A lot of people don’t know what that is. Basically, what makes our faith tradition unique is that we really don’t care what you believe theology-wise. There are Unitarian Universalists who are atheists, monotheists, and polytheists. You are free to believe whatever you like, we won’t stop you.

However, we do care about you following seven principles, which is sort of like a code of conduct. It includes things like following the democratic process when possible, caring for the Earth, honoring the inherent worth and dignity of every person, trying to be just equitable and compassionate when relating to people, the right of conscience, a free and responsible search for truth, working for a just and peaceful world, and things like that. Politically, we tend to lean to the left. However, conservative Unitarian Universalists do exist. One example is Margaret, from Orange Coast Unitarian Universalist Church, who laughed at me when I said schools are authoritarian. Another example is a Unitarian Universalist who once wrote to UU World saying they tended to be more conservative than other Unitarian Universalists, and so objected to the article in last quarter’s issue for such-and-such a reason. Yet another example is the only climate-denier at the Unitarian Universalist Church of Fullerton…I think his name is Doug. Although these people can be maddening to deal with, they are working for a fair and peaceful world in their own way and thus can still be called Unitarian Universalists in my judgment. Part of Unitarian Universalism (at least to me) is developing your own spiritual path and following it. I have been influenced by various religions in this process.

Zen Buddhism is one religion that has really influenced me. Before that, my religion was yoga. I know yoga isn’t typically considered a religion, but it was mine. However, I have been told that my current beliefs have more in common with Reform Judaism than anything else. I have also had some rather transcendental experiences with math, although I know that isn’t typically thought of as a religion or spiritual path either. I also read the entire Koran when I was sixteen, although unfortunately I remember little of it. I also didn’t have anything in the way of guidance, so I probably completely misunderstood it.

I am not offended by people assuming I am Muslim, unless the people in question are Islamophobic assholes who will proceed to tell me that I should not wear a headscarf because it oppresses women. To be fair, sometimes it does oppress women. It depends on where you are, and your social and historical context. If you want to be fair about it, you should probably criticize married Orthodox Jewish women covering their hair too.

You could argue that the concept of modesty is misogynistic. Indeed, you could make a very good argument for that. However, I would also argue that even in non-religious cultures we have modesty. There aren’t many American women who are comfortable walking around the street showing their breasts, for example.

I guess a lot of people feel that you should have modesty within reason, but still enjoy a degree of modesty. Or, you want everyone to adopt your standards of modesty, which may or may not be problematic. Some critics also see hijab as an extension of Corinthians from the Christian Bible, which is sexist because that Bible verse basically says that women should cover their heads to show that they are inferior to men. This is probably why so many people hate hijab so much. They see it as an extension of this history. My former friend Neil is like this. When I brought up this subject with him, as it relates to hijab, he said, Where do you think hijab came from?!?

But does veiling have to be a female thing? It makes me think of my nephew, Nathan, who gripes, Why does veiling have to be a girl thing? And why does it have to be a religious thing? So I sent him a video explaining the most basic Wrapunzel wrap, the Regal Wrap. When his thirst was not quenched, I sent him my pumpkin Melody and my pink Signature scarf, my two favorite scarves at the time, along with a velvet headband. I don’t remember which one wound up being his favorite. It didn’t answer his question, but he got some joy out of it.

Headcovering the way I (mostly) do is actually very rare in Unitarian Universalism as well. I have only met two other Unitarian Universalist women who practice it, Tova and Jay. Jay is a practicing Muslimah as well as a Unitarian Universalist. Tova is a seminary student who may have graduated by now. I used to have a friend named Mileena who covered too. I remember on one occasion, I gave her an orange sari scarf. I did not know how useful sari scarves were for covering at the time, if I had known I might have kept it. But no. I gave it to her, and hopefully she got plenty of good use out of it. I gave my therapist a pastel Signature scarf. I actually went out and bought a duplicate about a year later. But she really appreciated it at the time, because the pastel Signature has a lot of seafoam green in it and she really likes seafoam green. My therapist does not cover her head, but probably uses it a lot anyway. I find it hard to imagine wearing a scarf any other way than as a headscarf, but apparently plenty of other people have better imaginations than I do.

In the end, though, headcovering is just something I do. I do it for me. I do it to feel pretty. I do it to say fuck you to a culture that tells me I have to show skin to be beautiful. I also do it to say fuck you to a culture that tells me I have to be thin to be beautiful. I say fuck you to a culture that places such emphasis on my looks, anyway, instead of who I am as a person. Granted, I can be pretty shitty. But I’d rather be known for that than for my beautiful hair. I also cover because I want more control over how I look. Once, I went to a hair stylist and he made my hair look a bit masculine by accident. I loved it, but have never been able to recreate the look. So I prefer to cover my hair, as an act of control. Also, scarves are easier for me to style than hair is. I could never do anything with my