Sanctuary

By Alexandra Berrocal

This book is about growing up Unitarian Universalist. It is also about faith, especially as it relates to bipolar disorder. Since religious mania is a symptom of bipolar disorder, this has an impact on our faith. Unitarian Universalism doesn't mandate belief in a God, either. In fact, within the walls of a Unitarian Universalist church, you

• Language: English
• Publisher: Alexandra Berrocal
• Release date: Jul 28, 2022
• ISBN: 9781088061732

Book preview

1

Title Page

SANCTUARY

A book of essays on faith (with some romantic poetry mixed in)

by

Alexandra Berrocal

[e-mail]

www.deadonthevergeofblooming.wordpress.com

2

Acknowledgments

Thank you to:

Blake Goss

Bobby Corken

Z Dickerson

Matt Judd

Aleksey

Rev Sian Wiltshire

Rev James Ishmael Ford

And everyone else who has helped me edit this book

3

Biography

One of my favorite church songs, one I don’t hear very often, is Be Ye Lamps Unto Yourselves. The lyrics go, "Be ye lamps unto yourselves / be your own confidence / hold to the truth within yourself / as to the only lamp." Outwardly, the lyrics appear to promote holding to your own truth and thinking for yourself. These are good Unitarian Universalist values, although this hymn was inspired by the final words of the Buddha. We very much support thinking for yourself and discovering and holding to your own truth. But I like these lyrics for a very different reason.

Before I proceed, I will explain what Unitarian Universalism (abbreviated to UUism) is.  Unitarian Universalism is an obscure religion that contains social justice themes central to its philosophy and can be atheistic at times.  Whenever anyone asks me what Unitarian Universalism is, I explain that we are a religion that doesn’t really care what you believe if you adhere to a certain code of conduct.  This code of conduct includes things like trying to live in an environmentally friendly manner, giving everyone a voice in things that concern them, honoring the inherent worth and dignity of every person, working towards a better world, and things like that.  We don’t really care if you believe in God or not.  You are free to believe in a Deity, or no deity, or however many deities you want, as long as you don’t harm yourself or others in the process.  This can be hard for people to wrap their head around, since most religions require you to believe in certain things and may even have a book that is central to that faith.  Our faith has neither, which leads some people to conclude that we are not a faith at all.  They are free to hold an opinion, regardless of whether I agree with it.

Some years earlier, when I was a young teenager, my mom and I discussed the tarot card readings we had received at a tarot card workshop at church that day.  We were in a car, on the way to my art class.  She talked about the cards she drew.  Finally, she asked, What card did you draw?

I drew a swords card, which symbolizes intellectual pursuits.  It looked like two people were fighting for control of the sword.  This means a lot to me because I want to unschool.  Unschooling, by the way, has nothing to do with UUism.  It is a relaxed form of homeschooling where the child controls their own education.

My mother then asked, Alexandra, why can’t you let that go?’  You could say that the inability to let go of my desire to unschool, or my desire for freedom, was the root of all my problems at the time.

So, a song telling me to be my own confidence (yes, this is how the lyrics go; it basically means to keep your secrets to yourself) and to hold to the truth within myself as to the only lamp made me sad, but also affirmed how I was living at the time.  When I heard the song a few times, one of the moms at church told me I looked like I had something going on with me and needed to talk about it.  I immediately went downstairs and started playing piano.  I just improvised stuff; I was very good at that in those days.  After a while of this, I went back to the mom and asked her how I looked.  She said I looked better.  

I didn’t talk to anyone.

***

I wasn’t the only one who was struggling.  Jude (one of my three best friends at the time) was depressed, and I was a young sixteen-year-old.  I wasn’t really looking forward to my future; I had no aspirations.  I didn’t think I would have a future worth having.  But I was seeking help for Jude, not myself.  Angela was one of the only other queer people I knew at the time- Reverend Angela, to be exact.  I remember we were having cake at church that day.  I always loved it when we had cake because I love to eat!  And I was asking Angela how best to help my friend Jude.  She said, Just listen to him, and be his friend.  But then she noticed something in my face, or in my eyes, that nobody else in my world had noticed until that moment.  What happened? she asked me in a worried tone.  I don’t think I said anything.