I am the darkness

By Alexandra Berrocal

This is a cookbook about living with depression. Granted, I live with bipolar, but this cookbook focuses more on living with the depressive aspect of things. There are also lots of kick-ass recipes in this book, many of which are either Asian or Asian-inspired. Come for the bok choy, stay for the mental health!

• Language: English
• Publisher: Alexandra Berrocal
• Release date: Mar 9, 2024
• ISBN: 9798869234421

Book preview

1

Prologue

One time, Jason, Nikki, and I were hanging out on Balboa Island. We had all just gotten vanilla ice cream cones, and were eating them together. We were standing in a small cluster. Unfortunately, my mom saw. She walked over, took the ice cream out of my hand, and said something along the lines of Oh no you don’t.

She said it in a really nasally, condescending tone of voice, like she was the queen and I was a spoiled princess. I just remember the shocked look on Jason and Nikki’s faces.

2

The Beginning

My Mom wasn’t always snatching ice cream cones out of my hand. Sometimes, she wasn’t so weird about food. My Mom could, when she put her mind to it, make some amazing homemade ice cream. She didn’t use low-fat milk to make it, either. She made the real thing, with real milk and cream and sugar and everything. The flavor I remember most from her is vanilla. I remember how silky the ice cream was. It wasn’t too sweet, which was a welcome change from how sweet store-bought ice cream is. I just remember it being very milky and smooth, not bland. The vanilla was very much there, different from store bought ice cream. She just let me eat it in peace.

But that’s ok. I think that can be excused.

I used to have a bit of a weird relationship with food. I often ate too much. I never purged it, like a bulimic would. But I would often sneak around between meals and at night and eat obscene amounts of tortillas, lemon bars, salsa, or whatever else was around, really. My Mom didn’t like this. She called it stealing, as if the food in the fridge only belonged to her and not to the whole family. I don’t know. It’s hard to remember those days. Luckily, going to college helped my relationship with food a lot. As long as I got two large meals a day, I was happy, and I didn’t feel compelled to munch. It really helped, and today I have a decent relationship with food. It hasn’t exactly done wonders for my waistline, but I am still a lot healthier now.

DUMPLING WRAPPERS

4 cups all-purpose flour

2 teaspoons salt

1-and-a-½ cups water

Put flour in a large bowl. Put salt into a large measuring cup. Bring water to a boil. When the water is boiling, take it off the stove and put it into the measuring cup. Stir to dissolve the salt. Gradually pour the salt water into the bowl of flour. Stir as you do so. Mix until well-combined. Start kneading the dough. When it is smooth and well-incorporated, knead it for 2 or 3 minutes more. When you are done with this, wrap it tightly in plastic wrap and let it rest for 30 minutes at room temperature. When the dough is rested, cut into quarters. Roll one quarter into a log about a foot long. Cut the log in half twice. You should have four pieces. Cut each piece into three pieces. Flatten one piece with the heel of your hand. A rolling pin can do the rest. Repeat until all of the dough is made into wrappers.

It is best to fill and shape these wrappers before freezing them.

3

Asking for it

To be fair, this wasn’t really Rachel’s fault. I was literally asking for this.

When I was young, Aunt Rachel tried very hard to lose weight. She ate Jenny Craig (that’s a diet company) food for her every meal, and snack. Whenever I spent the night with her, she bought extra so I could have some too. She had reservations about doing this at first. However, she saw that diet food didn’t kill me and I liked it, so she kept doing it. And the diet food tasted good. I really did like it. So in this way, I was trained into Jenny Craig from an early age. I don’t blame my aunt, though. Like I said, I literally asked for it. However, I didn’t ask for any food from my music mentor, who would later become my aunt’s producer as well.

4

Crab Rangoon Dumplings

One time, I was at my music mentor’s house with him and his (at the time) girlfriend. He decided to make me pierogies. Pierogies are like dumplings with mashed potatoes in the middle. My friend, the VanLifer James, also enjoys making pierogies for family and friends. He says they are easy to make, and bring up good memories for him. I guess some people are just pierogi people. Many years later, I would travel with James. It wasn’t a one hundred authentic experience, because we didn’t sleep in his car like he usually does. We slept in cheap but still reasonably nice hotel rooms. We ate food in fast food places. I can’t say he took me out to any restaurants.

The only dumplings I have ever made for people are crab rangoon dumplings, and those are rather labor intensive.

Anyway, yes. I remember the way he boiled the frozen dumplings.

CRAB RANGOON DUMPLINGS

8 ounces cream cheese

8 ounces imitation crabmeat

2 green onions, minced

A squeeze of lemon juice

½ teaspoon salt

Dumpling wrappers

Ghee

Place all ingredients in a medium bowl except for dumpling wrappers and ghee. Allow to come to room temperature. Knead with your hands until combined. Taste and adjust seasoning as desired. Be careful not to add too much salt! It’s ok to freeze these dumplings if you have too much for one day. Proceed to fill your wrappers and pan-fry your dumplings!

5

Pan-frying Dumplings

So my aunt used to take me to restaurants a lot. She said she had to, because she couldn’t just feed me diet food all the time. I love to eat, so I usually ate all of what they gave me. My aunt would just sit there, watching me. My mom thought it was weird, when she heard about it. I didn’t think it was weird at all. I would just eat my food, and chat, while my aunt watched me eat. She took me to restaurants for every meal. She seldom cooked for me.

HOW TO PAN-FRY DUMPLINGS

Heat a large nonstick or cast iron pan over medium-high heat (on my stove I heat it to about 6). Add one and a half tablespoons of oil and make sure it is evenly distributed around the pan. Put your dumplings in the pan. Make sure there is plenty of space between them so they don’t stick together. Fry until bottoms