Broken Is A State Of Mind: Memoirs of an FND Warrior

By Sandy Gagnon

The trials and tribulations of a woman with a rare disorder called Functional Neurological disorder and what she suffered through to get a diagnosis and with the disorder itself.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Lulu.com
• Release date: Feb 22, 2023
• ISBN: 9781329089648

Book preview

Broken is a State of Mind

Memoirs of an FND Warrior

Sandy Gagnon

Table of Content

INTRODUCTIOn: A little History, if you will …………..4-8

CHAPTER 1:    DERAILED…………………………………...9‐14

CHAPTER 2:      BERNIE AND VOODOO DOLLS…………….15-23

CHAPTER 3:      INDIFFERENCE……………………………..26-35

CHAPTER 4:      BACKS TURNED……………………………36-44

CHAPTER 5:      CLARITY……………………………....……45-52

CHAPTER 6:      HIPPOCRATIC OATH…………………….....53-61

CHAPTER 7:      ANSWERS……………………………….....62-69

CHAPTER 8:      LEARNING TO LIVE AGAIN………………...70-73

CHAPTER 9:      IS THIS REAL………………………………74-80

CHAPTER 10:    HERE WE GO AGAIN…………………….....81-87

Introduction

A Little History, If You Will

    My name is Sandy, or Sam to some, and this is how my story started.

Mom and dad came from similar homes in that they were both from very French families. Each family had five children, two girls and three boys, who grew up with their parents in the home. Though there was love and togetherness, there was also strife. It was a time of war and financial struggles.

My mother and father decided they would put their parent’s errors aside; however, they did decide to take that togetherness and love that they grew up with and provided it to us three kids. They did the best they could and they did a damn good job. We did not need much and we knew, without hesitation, that we were loved and put before everyone and everything else. It did not escape my mind, the lengths they would have gone to, for either of us. As I look back, I would say it was ever so much more than your average

family life. It was the quintessential life, that, so many don’t know, can exist. This is why I would choose to raise my kids in the

same manner.

I was born in the seventies, in Lewiston, Maine, I had two siblings, one sister, and one brother. I am the oldest, with three years between me and my sister, and seven between my brother. We grew up close and we still are. I live just 10 minutes from my sister and her family and my brother lives in Texas with his. Because my brother is living in a different state for the last twenty years, we all keep in touch weekly.

I’m a mother to a loving and comical son, who’s had my love since the moment I felt him kick. A child who stole hearts from the day of his birth. I call him ‘My Miracle Child’ as I had been told by my OBGYN, because of my endometriosis, I may never get pregnant. He went on to say that if I wanted children, I should commence trying; however, there were no guarantees. Miraculously, I conceived within a month and sadly I would never get to have that honor again.

You will never hear me say I was a single mother because his father was one hundred percent there, even though our marriage ended. We remained friends for the sake of our son, and he would eventually gain a second loving mother and father.

Then there’s Keith, my partner in life and love. We started as roommates, and I secretly fell in love with him, rather quickly, and quite unexpectedly. Though, I think he fell in love, almost immediately, also. It was his eyes…. His smile…. His laugh. He was so caring to his family, friends, and even strangers. His humor, of which matched mine, was definitely ‘la pièce de résistance’. We absolutely could not help it! No matter how much either of us resisted, we found ourselves waking up next to each other, most mornings. Here we are nineteen years later, and stronger than ever. We have been best friends and each other’s voice of reason. We’ve laughed daily and picked each other up. Most importantly we have a deep understanding of each other. Why did we resist you ask? It’s not for any other reason than what many others have. We’re coming from a place of hurt and trauma. I’ll fill you in on mine, but Keith’s is his story to tell.

With Keith in my life, I gained a young lady whom I consider my daughter, not my stepdaughter. Brittany is exactly like her father, with the same endearing traits. She is everything I would have wanted if I had been able to conceive again.

As I told you I would, I will fill you in on my trauma and I only tell you this because it will play a small role in my future obstacles. Which is the whole reason for telling my story. A few years after Sean’s father and I divorced, I met someone on a blind date. He wooed me, talked the good talk and walked the good walk. A little more than a year later, we were married. That night the abuse started and looking back now, it seems some days that time flew by and some days just lagged on with abuse. It was the mental, physical, and sexual abuse that drove me to put my affairs in order and leave him.

However, if I hadn’t made that decision already, what my young son was about to say to me will light a fire under my feet. One day, while driving, from his little booster in the back seat, Sean says mommy, I think ‘he’ might love you but I don’t think he treats you very nice! My instant reaction was, failing my