Bella's Fantastic Fancy Dress Funeral

By Zalia Rey

Who says a funeral can't be a riotous good time?

It didn't come as a shock to anyone who knew her that, at the age of sixty-three, Bella died as outrageously as she lived, in a hotel bathtub surrounded by scandal. The fact that she spent decades meticulously planning her own funeral, and demanded that all the guests dress up as dead celebrities, that was a bit of a surprise.

On a glorious Summer's day in an English garden, Lucille, Jocelyn, Miriam and Carla, Bella's closest friends, transform themselves for the occasion into Boudicca, Queen Victoria, Queen Elizabeth I and Princess Margaret. Fueled by an endless supply of pink champagne and chocolate truffles, they spend a delightfully bawdy afternoon reminiscing and uncovering the mysteries of Bella's life.

This one act play is eighty minutes of heart-warming hilarity, terribly British and really, rather fabulous.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Swash and Buckle
• Release date: Mar 11, 2023
• ISBN: 9798215688380

Book preview

CHARACTERS

LUCILLE

Aged in her sixties. Tall, athletic build of a woman who does yoga every day and exercises regularly. She carries herself with grace. She is the closest friend of the deceased, Bella, having known her since infancy. Dressed as Boudicca in simple robes, with Celtic arm jewellery and headband.

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JOCELYN

Aged in her sixties. A former headmistress, she is direct, blunt, and no-nonsense. Dressed as Queen Victoria.

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MIRIAM

Aged in her fifties. A gentle soul who doesn’t like to cause offence, but with a naughty sense of humour. Dressed as Queen Elizabeth I, her costume is large and prohibits her from moving with ease.

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CARLA

Aged in her fifties. A doctor with a bawdy sense of humour, a loud voice and personality. She is dressed as Princess Margaret.

SYNOPSIS

A costume party with a difference! The play features four women attending a funeral dressed as four deceased members of British royalty. They are there to celebrate the life of their exuberant friend Bella, who pre-planned her own funeral in precise detail to ensure the jolliest time for all her loved ones. The gossip flows as easily as the champagne. Through one story after another, Bella’s life, and the unconditional love that binds these women through decades of friendship, is revealed to us.

SETTING

The action takes place in the early 2000s and has only one location: a British garden on a pleasant summer’s afternoon.

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Suggested set.

Outdoor table and seating for four people.

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Props to be on set prior to the actors.

Bottle of pink champagne in an ice bucket.

Two tall champagne flutes.

Two wide champagne glasses.

Box of chocolate truffles.

A Reserved sign.

A handwritten message on a card.

Four table settings.

Drinking straws under each napkin.

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Additional props introduced throughout the play.

A camera.

Champagne cork.

A handwritten letter.

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Edible props include, but are not limited to, the following.

Plate of chipolatas.

Chocolate truffles.

Pink champagne.

Banoffee pie.

Profiteroles.

Before the play begins the audience should be able to read the following invitation, displayed prominently on stage.

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To those I loved and those who loved me,

Guess what? I’m dead! Come say Bye-Byee.

You can wail and cry until your eyes are puffy,

And your nose is bunged up with snot.

But I’d much rather you laughed with old friends,

And said nice things about me a lot.

As it’s my big day, I get my say,

And what I say is this:

No sober suits, no veiled hats.

Greet everyone with a kiss.

I want to have one last jolly mess.

So you’re all to come in fancy-dress.

The theme is dead icons from the past.

So you’d best get thinking fast.

I’m allowed to come as myself, but I’m the only one.

The rest of you I command to have some bloody fun.

Curse me if you want, but this is my last wish.

Let me down and I’ll haunt your house,

With the stench of rotten fish.

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All my love, Bella.

(Enter JOCELYN.)

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JOCELYN

There you are girls. That’s the table for us, closest to the grub and grog.

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(Enter MIRIAM, struggling with her costume, followed by CARLA and LUCILLE.)

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MIRIAM

Jocelyn, I think - oh bugger this dress. I don’t know why I thought Elizabeth I would be a good idea. I can’t fit into the toilet cubicles even when I’m standing sideways. Thank heavens for disabled toilets. Jocelyn, I think someone else is sitting there, you don’t just leave a bottle of champagne on ice at an empty table.

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JOCELYN

Well, I think that there are no bags or coats here, and that bottle hasn’t even been opened. Whoever put it there clearly wasn’t staking a serious claim. And Miriam, I don’t think it’s wise to hold your dress up quite that high.

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CARLA

Whoever put it there is committing a crime against humanity. It’s positively cruel to leave a pretty little thing like that alone at a party.

(Carla takes the bottle and starts to open it.)

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MIRIAM

Carla, you can’t open it! It’s not ours. Now get up, we need to move. There is a Reserved sign here.

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(Lucille picks up a card on the table and begins to read it.)

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CARLA

(Pops the cork on the bottle)

Don’t flare your nostrils at me Queen Lizzy. This bubbly has been abandoned and I’m performing an act of charity by giving it a good home. Oh, look girls, it’s pink!

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MIRIAM

Don’t you think Carla, and you Jocelyn, that today of all days—

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LUCILLE

Relax Miriam, it’s for us. The boys left us a note.

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MIRIAM

Oh well in that case, pass that glass over here, Carla.

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CARLA

But you haven’t grovelled yet, and acknowledged I was right, and you were wrong.

(Carla passes the glass over anyway and continues pouring.)

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JOCELYN

What’s it say?

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(Lucille passes the card to Jocelyn to read.)

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LUCILLE

Bit quicker please Carla, you’re supposed to be the young spry one. Champagne doesn’t age well.

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CARLA

Just making sure I don’t waste a single drop, your Majesty.

(Carla passes Lucille a glass and continues pouring.)

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JOCELYN

Hello favourite aunties. We hope we got the right brand of Champagne - we’ve chosen the most expensive - and that you like it because there’s a whole case of it for you to chug back. If you look under your napkins, you’ll also find some straws for later in the evening.

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MIRIAM

How thoughtful.

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JOCELYN

"The chocolate truffles are indeed those divine orange truffles from that chocolatier in Bath. So pig out, there’s plenty more where they came from. Mum left strict instructions about your seating arrangements. ‘Make sure you put the girls nearest the grub and grog, and where they can see everybody else to have a good bitch about the costumes.’ Have riotous fun today ladies. It’s what Mum wanted for everyone and from you it’s what she expects."

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CARLA

Bella did a grand job of raising those boys right, lovely manners. Pass over those truffles.

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JOCELYN

Speaking of whom, where are Daniel