This is Me: Familial Ties, #1

By Angel Frost

I was a daughter and I am a sister. But most importantly I am a mother.  

 

There are no lengths that I would not go to, to protect and save my family from harm.      

As a parent and a mother, how far would you go to protect your children?   

How far would you go to save your family?  How far is far enough? 

  

 The choices I've made might seem selfish to someone looking in from the outside but in my heart, I know the choices I've made were the right ones as hard as it was I tried to do the right thing. 

  

I have my regrets, and one of those is that I've forced my loved ones to live apart.     

But if I had the opportunity to do it all again, I wouldn't change any of the choices I've made as hard as it may seem, I endured it as best as I could. 

 

The lies decimated me from the inside out and the sacrifice of keeping those lies hidden kept us all apart. 

 

One daughter dreaming of a life she should have had.  

 

One son is determined to reunite his family.    

 

 One lie destroyed her.    

 

One emotion will bind brothers to each other.    

 

And a web of spiders brought them all together to save a sister.    

 

Who will be victorious?  

 

This is me….

• Language: English
• Publisher: Angel Frost
• Release date: Feb 5, 2022
• ISBN: 9798201791803

Angel Frost

My name is Michelle and I write under the pen name  Angel Frost. I reside in Cape Town, South Africa. I"m a full-time student pursuing my degree in Clinical Psychology while working on a full-time basis.  I come from a financial services,  training & development as well as educational background.  qualified to Teach English as a Foreign Language. My hobbies are writing, traveling, reading learning new languages, and pilates and swimming. While most of my hobbies are on hold due to COVID, I look forward to the end of this pandemic.

Book preview

Prologue

Isabella

Standing with my back against the wall; I feel the pulsating beat of the music as it vibrates through the wall.  I chuckle to myself thinking how ironic it is, I've never been a crowd kind of person, more along the lines of a wall flower. I would never think of myself as a coward because I prefer not to be noticed even though I've lacked a lot of self-confidence it's not the same thing. I look over the dance floor, from the corner of my eye I can see the door and I can see who comes and goes. Call me paranoid if you like, a professional would even go as far as to say I have PTSD.  

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I look over at the crowd in front of me thinking I'd be grateful to be just like them to not have a care in the world, to live in and for the moment. To be able to forget all my hardships, and be oblivious to the darkness that surrounds them, that holds so much danger if they all but paid attention. I take a sip of the whiskey from the glass in my hand and I feel the warmth of it as it burns all the way through my empty stomach.   

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I wish I could be like them. I wish I could go back; I wish this night could be over and I'd wake up. All of this would be nothing but a dream and I'd wake up from this living nightmare.  Why did I have to do the right thing? Why couldn’t I just walk away? I wish things were different, I wish I was different and not who I am. Why couldn’t I turn a blind eye as anyone else would?  

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I take another sip from the glass with whiskey in it which has started to go warm in my hand. I look over at the crowd again; the people are dancing and grinding on each other. The smell of sweat and sex fills the air and their laughter is starting to make me feel claustrophobic.  I’m starting to suffocate, and I feel the noose tightening around my neck. I raise my left hand as if to remove the invisible noose from around my neck, I start to feel panic; I feel the need to run, and just get out. But where would I go? Wherever I go it'll never be far enough. My breath starts coming faster and faster.  

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I can't do this, I need to run, I need to get out but I know that I wouldn’t get far enough. I look to my right and see an exit sign blinking brightly. I know I won’t make it, I feel the tears well up in my eyes and I thump my head against the wall as I close my eyes, trying to keep the tears at bay and keep the feeling of hopelessness away.  Fuck why me? I whisper. My eyes are closed but I know he's right there, I can feel him closing in on me, like a predator stalking its prey ready to pounce. I have nowhere to go and I have no move to make. My heart is racing and my breaths are laboured, speeding up, faster, and faster limiting my oxygen.   

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I hear the growl in his voice and I shiver but I refuse to open my eyes he will enjoy it too much. Il mio piccolo topo, open your eyes and let me see them fall. Open them now, baby! I want to see it.  

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In my head, I chant you are strong, don’t let him win. You’re okay and it'll be okay.  

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Fuck why me?

Chapter 1

Isabella

Rolling my shoulders to relieve the tension in my neck, I look at the time of my computer and it's close to home time. Oh, Friday! Where have you been? I snicker softly to myself. I can’t wait to get home and just relax. This has been the longest week of my life. My body aches and my mind is exhausted. A warm bath would do wonders and would certainly help to relax my stiff muscles.  I could curl up with a good book and a cup of steaming hot chocolate would just be the cherry on top. 

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I can already taste the top foaming with marshmallows and it sounds like heaven to me right now. All that yummy goodness makes my mouth water and I wipe my mouth to make sure I don’t have any drool on my face just thinking about what awaits me when I get home.

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People think just because you work as an administrator you do nothing but sit on your ass and google shit all day. Let me tell you, this is shit is no joke particularly with a boss like mine.  He leaves everything for the last minute, jeez talk about chaos and unprofessionalism, it would literally describe who my boss is.  I’m not even sure how he is able to dress appropriately for work. I smile at the thought of this morning. 

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Mr. Lee came running in late as usual and old Betty decided today is the day. Payback is a bitch, we've been telling him about the possessed elevator, that requires repairs. But no! He's too cheap to have it fixed and this time old Betty decided to strike on him; ripping his coat in half.

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It was hilarious to watch a grown man play tug of war with an elevator trying to pull his coat out of a closed door. After his coat was ripped in half he then proceeded to have a whole conversation with it and this was all in front of the whole office. It was totally priceless but no one dared to laugh out loud too afraid of the repercussions of his unpredictable nature.

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I look over my computer and I see Olly approaching me and the smile I've had on my face immediately vanishes. Hey Isabella, a few of us are heading over to Jimmy's. Would you like to join us? Uhmmm. I pretend to look around as if waiting for something or someone to magically appear so that I don’t really have to answer or speak to him. Come on Isabella; it'll be fun. He shows me his hands palms up. Everyone in the office is going. 

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I don’t want to sound like an utter loser with no plans but I have no intention of spending my time with people who don’t even have the decency to greet or acknowledge my existence. No, but thanks for the invite Olly, maybe next time. 

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His face lights up. Oh, no no no this can’t be good. Yeah, so listen I have a few friends coming over from out of town and they've been dying to check out the sites. We are going to hit up some clubs and do some outdoor stuff. Before he can even think of asking if I’m free, I blurt out. Oh, that sounds really cool. I’m actually meeting some friends to help out our one girlfriend with her wedding plans. The smile he had on his face has all but disappeared and I see the way he scrunches up his face and I just know is that he’s about to try another angle. And I hear the best sound ever. Hey paapie, maamie!

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I see the way he grimaces as he looks at my best friend Lou. She is the epitome of a Spanish girl except for a bit more height with long black wavy hair, dark brown eyes, a caramel glow to her skin, and lots and lots of sass. I cover my laugh with a cough behind my hand. I've just been saved by the fucking bell, I love my best friend even if she's loud, obnoxious, and in your face. She's wearing her Friday get up as she likes to call it a red low V-neck sweater, a black skin-tight skirt, large hoop earrings, and a pair of leopard print heels. I know totally inappropriate work attire even for a Friday but I think every time Mr. Lee balks up the courage to tell her to tone it down; he just about loses his tongue. It's the funniest thing to witness; I’m surprised he has swallowed his own tongue yet.

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I see snapping fingers in front of my face and realize I’ve totally spaced out on the entire exchange. I look across the room and see Olly speed walking to the elevator. Smiling, I look into my best friend's face, thanks for that.

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No problem maamie. But you are going to have to tell him you’re not interested or he's just going to keep trying until you give in or tell him to take a hike because you don’t feel the same way. Looking away I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear feeling totally awkward, yeah I’m 20 years old but I’m really not looking for any male attention. So what are we doing tonight maamie? It's Friday which is bueno, there’s no work tomorrow. Argh, no. Nothing I’m going home. Come on Isa, I haven't seen you all week. Yeah you have, we work together every day doofus. Come on it's just a few drinks.

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No, I can’t. I need to save money to help my mom. I see the change in her face, she's about to rip me a new one and I brace myself for it. Come on Isa, you never come out with me anymore. You can’t keep shutting me or the rest of the whole world out, life is going to pass you by sweetie. You’re young; you're supposed to be irresponsible and have fun with your bestest friend in the whole world. I can’t go out looking frumpy without you.

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I look down not wanting to say anything. Look this is not about your mom; it’s about you. So don’t start that shit with me. You can bullshit other people but I can see right through it. You can’t keep putting your life on hold for her. She's your mom, not your kid. She has a problem and she needs to learn to deal with it. If she can’t admit that she has a problem, then that’s on her not you. It’s not your job to fix her, okay! Or is this about?

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Just don’t say it, Lou, please. Sniffing I look up into Lou's face and I see the sadness I feel reflecting back at me. I’m pathetic and a loser. Maamie, I’m sorry I love you, you are my sister from another mister and I’m saying this to help you not to hurt you. Turning to my bag I grab some Kleenex and wipe my nose and eyes. Adios Mio, you're so disgusting wiping your nose and then your eyes with the same fucking Kleenex. Nasty! She makes a face and it makes me smile.

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Come on chika we're not getting paid overtime for this. How about some margies; mmmhm? You'll feel right as rain. Locking my draw and shutting down my computer, I follow Lou to the elevator. The floor is practically empty and Lou shouts loudly, the queens have left the building while the clicking of her heels echoes across the floor.

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Standing in the elevator, I can't help but be confronted by my own reflection staring back at me and it makes me uncomfortable, so I look down at my clothes instead. I feel like an utter loser standing next to her, I’m 5.5, chubby with a pair of baggy jeans which aren't fuck baggy they're tight as hell, and an I love nerds t-shirt and my white converse. My brown hair is in a messy bun on top of my head and my blue eyes look weird with the red blotches from crying. Lou watches me carefully, as I look at myself and she knows what I’m thinking. She knows I want to run because my insecurities are getting the better of me and it's hard to not feel intimated.

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Hermana! Don’t you dare! Don’t even think about it! Fuck how does she do that? You look fine; you're my best friend even if you look like you work in IT and haven’t seen sunlight in ages. She throws her head back and cackles like a nutter and I find myself laughing too. Maybe this isn’t such a bad idea. I roll my shoulders trying to get rid of the tension I feel, fucking hell I need that soak sometime this weekend. Making our way inside Rolling Hills, I look around and I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for but Lou waves me over to a table close to the window. It’s not our usual table but the place is unusually packed even for a Friday.

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What are we going to do first? Drinks or food? Food and drinks at the same time? We both say in unison. Jinx we break out into giggles. What are you going to have Isa? Um, nachos and you?  Quesadillas. Half & half? I ask. Totally maamie and that’s why you're my bestie.

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Excuse me miss, we would like to place an order. Sure doll. What can I get you? Can we get 2 margaritas, 1 nacho extra hot, and 1 quesadilla please? Full or half portions ladies? Lou looks over at me and smiles. Full please. Uhm, Lou you know full portions are like for a family right. I feel nervous for some reason. So hermana, um. Lou only calls me that when she feels bad or if she thinks I'm upset. I invited Lisa and Jules to join us for food and drinks. Really! Why? I thought you said you’d look frumpy without me, you haven’t seen me all week blah blah blah and you know for some God forsaken reason she hates me. Jules is amazing but why her? Folding my arms across my chest I give her my angriest stare. I know I’m acting like a petulant child but really this was supposed to be stress-free margaritas with my best friend. She whispers back sorry, hermana. 

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YES, GALS! Make way baby make way. Overhead I hear the bell of the door chime and my eyes lock onto Jules. Oh my God, he looks like a fucking unicorn. His blond hair has pink tips and he has a Mohawk, he's wearing a ripped pair of jeans with a white t-shirt that has seen better days with all those rips and holes; and a black leather jacket. The only thing that’s really missing from his whole outfit is a crop and a ball gag. Bursting out with laughter the woman across from me gives me the stink eye and I’m oh so tempted to stick my tongue out at her and ask what are you looking at lady?  

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I am so caught up in the outfit Jules is wearing that I don’t even notice, Lisa. Yes, that’s how little she means to me not because I am trying to be purposely hurtful but she just a super mean bitch with a capital B. Lisa stops in front of me and frowns. She looks over to Lou then back at me.  She speaks softly enough for me to hear her only. Oh, Lou didn’t say you were going to be here. As if hearing her name Lou looks over at us dragging her attention away from Jules after gushing over his outfit. She narrows her eyes at Lisa but goes back to talking to Jules. Lisa fake air kisses me and takes a seat opposite me. Jules comes around and hugs me it feels like a genuine hug but you never know with him. Mmmh must be in a good mood.  

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So babies I have some amaaaaazing news! I GOT IT! What did you get Jules? Jeez Isa, where have you been living? Under a rock? Lou coughs. Sorry I haven’t really been in touch with Jules lately. Lisa mutters underneath her breath, yeah seems you haven’t been touched in a while and maybe a bit touched in the head too she snickers behind her hand. I pretend I didn’t hear her. I start my chant in my head: its okay, you're okay, its fine, your fine; breath Isa don’t let her know she got to you. I look down and blink furiously I don’t want her to know she made me cry. Fuck!

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I try to listen to the conversation and just ignore Lisa's comments. I’m going to Africa babies! This is going to be so exciting, I can't wait. That’s amazing Jules congratulations. 'Thanks, Isa. Well, there’s more news well actually it’s not mine to share but Lisa's. The waiter has just brought our drinks and set mine in front of me. I take a huge gulp to calm my nerves. Maamie will you slow down! We haven’t even heard all the news yet." Lisa turns her attention to everyone at the table but makes an effort to block me out. Wow.

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I'm pregnant! She screeches and I feel my ears ring. They're all congratulating her and I hear the bell above the door chime. I freeze not looking around I feel the hair on the back of my neck and my arms stand to attention. I feel frozen in place, I look to the right and see the biggest man I've ever seen his wearing blue suit pants with a white rolled-up shirt and red hair but I can’t see his face. He walks slowly as if searching for something or someone I see him turn towards our table and I look away. I feel the hard stare but I’m too afraid to look up and to look in his direction.

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You know when you are faced by a wild animal or a dog, your body freezes but your mind is telling you to run but your body refuses as if knowing that by running the animal will give chase. I’m brought out of my haze by a sharp kick to the shin. I hop up in my seat and collide with the waiter as he places the food in front of me. In slow motion, I feel the food fall over me and I look across my seat and see Lisa's lips curl up into an ugly smile and she gives a loud cackle.

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I turn to Jules and he lets out a hollow laugh as if to appease the rest of the table. I’m covered in avocado, sour cream, and tomato, with hot sauce as it drips down my face, I feel the sting in my eyes and run to the bathroom trying desperately not to knock into or touch any of the tables or patrons. Using the back of my hand, I try to stop the food from going into my eyes. My vision becomes blurry with tears, and food so I don’t see the wall of muscles in front of me that I just ran into.

Without looking up, I stammer an apology Iii.....I'm sssssorry. I can’t make myself look up. I’m ashamed and embarrassed, everyone is gawking at me. I feel like they're pointing fingers at me and laughing. I look up and gasp, it’s the mountain man with the red hair I step back and he steps forward. The sheer size of him has made me forget my tears and the fact that I’ve got a whole plate of food in my hair he doesn’t look angry. However; the scar on his face is an angry red color and it makes his blue eyes stand out against his red hair and white shirt.  I wait for him to step aside but he just stares, I don’t think I could speak even if I wanted to it's as if I’ve lost the ability to speak as seconds pass he finally realizes he's blocking my escape.

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I slide past him making sure I don’t touch any part of him or any of the nearby tables and make a dash for the bathroom. I faintly hear Lou's heels clicking on tiles as she calls out my name. Just great! Everyone is going to know what a loser I am along with my name before the end of the night. The corridor leading to the bathroom is long and its dark there are a few lights out and as I move closer to the bathroom I try to take slow deep breaths to calm myself. The floor creaks and I look to the left nothing and I look to the right still nothing. My heart is racing. I start my chant in my head: its okay, you're okay, it's fine, you're fine, breathe Isa.

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Walking inside the bathroom I lean against the closed door and just let out a heavy breath. I remove my hair from the bun and shake out the food and squeeze out the sauce. Using some of the roller towels I wash my face. Next, I try to wipe off the sauce from my t-shirt but it won’t come out. I close my eyes and lean with my head against the mirror. I start my chant in my head: it’s okay, you're okay, its fine, your fine; just breathe.

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I stand there staring at myself in the mirror and after what feels like forever, I realize that Lou hasn't come into the bathroom. I start my chant in my head: it’s okay, you're okay, it's fine, you’re fine breathe Isa. I let out a hard breath and decide to walk out with my head high so what I had my dinner swirled all over my head so what if I cried in front of the entire diner. I open the bathroom door, it's dark but I can make out two figures against the wall. Fucking hell! It's Lou and the mountain man. His lips cover her mouth, his leg between her thighs and his hand against her neck holding her in place.

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She looks as if she trying to climb a tree and he looks as if he's trying to swallow her whole. Instead of the shame, hurtful tears, and embarrassment, I felt just a few minutes ago all of that is gone in an instant, and in its place is pure rage. The anger keeps boiling inside of me, and I don't even know which part of me is in control right now the irrational part of my brain or the anger or the hurt I felt. She dragged me here against my will, invited Lisa who she knows hates me, I've embarrassed myself and she couldn't even be bothered to check on me and at this point all I see is red. I call out to her. Lou, Lou. LOU. Mountain man turns his head while he looks around disorientated, I grab Lou and we run as if the hounds of hell are after us. Well me more than her because I’m dragging her along with me.   

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I get to our table and see that most of the people have cleared out of the place and I’m not sure for how long I was actually in the bathroom but thank fuck, for the emptiness. Jules still sits at the table, he gets up as if to hug me and I hold out my hand, palm out to stop him. I’m sorry Isa. I’m angry, hurt, and frustrated so I just mutter its fine and I grab our things. Standing in front of rolling hills I push Lou against the wall. WTF! What the fuck is wrong with you Lou? Damnit. In a small voice, she says I’m sorry hermana. I....I and she looks away. She looks as if she’s drunk but I know she can’t be. I call over a cab and she climbs in after me.

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She seems to have pulled herself together. I’m sorry hermana, I was on my way to find you and um. It’s fine. I look out as we drive past all the pedestrians laughing and enjoying their Friday night. I don’t