The Return of the Magnificent Five

By Roy D Perkins

This is the story of five talking dogs, all deceased. The story deals with how these five canines raise hell while they are alive by stealing food, wrecking stuff, chasing other animals, and skinny-dipping and then pulling the same shenanigans after they die. Four of the five dogs were abused by humans when they were alive.

Now that they are dead, the tides have changed. The dogs are telling the humans what to do. In hell, the dogs become correction officers over the humans. In hell, the dogs come face-to-face with those humans who abused them. It’s bad enough for the humans to be hell’s prisoners; it’s much worse with the dogs being the prison wardens. In heaven, the Almighty assigns the dogs tasks to carry out on earth. They accomplish their tasks without regard to pride, ego, vanity, anger, prejudice, or greed. The dogs can’t be bought or conned by any of the humans they meet during their assignments. They carry out their assignments with total objectivity.

The dogs will do anything that the Almighty tells them to do. They know that, during and after their assignments, there are banquets for pigging out, items to wreck, critters to chase, and heated swimming pools. Having immortal bodies, the thrill of being injured, killed, or captured and executed is not there anymore; however, the Almighty sometimes improvises for them.

The main characters are five dogs: Runner, a greyhound, the philosopher; Danny, a greyhound, the spiritual leader; Vinney, a whippet, a risk-taking lunatic; Doggie, a treeing walker coonhound and cocker spaniel mix that will chase anything; and Peanut Butter, a puggle, who is naive with four months of college.

This is a sequel to The Human World from a Canine Point of View.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Oct 18, 2021
• ISBN: 9781662455254

Book preview

Chapter 1

Columbian Poppy Fields

The Almighty assembles the dogs to heaven’s gate. The dogs are omniscient and know the Almighty’s will. Their first assignment is the Columbian poppy fields. They instantly appear in the Columbian poppy fields. They immediately set the fields on fire with a heavenly flame thrower. It’s a huge fire that is getting out of control. It’s even threatening the large house where the growers and smugglers hang out. While the fire is raging, the dogs enter the house through the outside walls. There is an anniversary party going on, or there was one going on.

As the people head for the fields of the inferno, the dogs discover the dining room. Inside the room is a very large table covered with an assortment of foods. There’s enough food for at least twenty people, so it should be sufficient for five dogs. The dogs chow down. They are inhaling slices of pork, roast beef, bologna, chicken, and turkey. What food doesn’t go into the dogs’ stomachs ends up on the floor. This was certainly an unexpected delight.

One of the big shots comes to the dining room. He has an automatic firing rifle with a magazine capable of holding several rounds of ammunition. He fires multiple rounds at the dogs and empties the clip. The bullets have no effect on the dogs. Danny jumps off the table and body slams the guy. The man falls down some cellar stairs, and he is seriously injured. Danny goes back to his meal. Finally, the dogs’ stomachs are full. The fire is now at the front steps of the house. The dogs leisurely stroll outside to use the facilities. They crap and urinate all over the front lawn. By now, the fire has consumed the big house. The dogs are relaxing in the middle of the fire. Here comes someone with a machete. As he starts to swing the machete at the dogs, Runner leaps and grabs him by the throat. Runner almost ripped his head off.

The fire rages on. The dogs are still relaxing in the fire. Meanwhile, five exhausted workers come at the dogs with a variety of weapons. One guy fires a revolver at the dogs. Doggie jumps on the guy, which causes the revolver to accidentally go off. The bullet strikes the guy in his chest and kills him. Another guy comes charging in with a bowie knife. Peanut Butter jumps into action and bites off the guy’s testicles, spits them out, and then bites the guy on the leg. Peanut Butter has severed an artery in the guy’s leg. He bleeds to death on the spot. Another guy races towards the dogs. He has a pitchfork. Vinney charges him and leaps at the guy’s throat. Somehow, the guy ends up as a shish kebab on his own pitchfork. The fork manages to pierce his heart and both lungs. A fourth guy comes at the dogs without a weapon. Danny body slams him, which knocks him to the ground. The man hits his head on a jagged rock. While unconscious, the man bleeds to death. The fifth and last guy comes at the dogs with a bullwhip. As he starts to lash out at the dogs, Runner grabs the whip and wraps it around his neck. Runner begins to pull on the whip, and the whip gets tighter around the guy’s neck. The whip strangles the man to his death. The dogs relax again in the middle of the fire.

The dogs go back into the house. They go back for a second helping of food. They also look around the house. In the basement are three terrified young women. Because of their omniscience, the dogs know that these women were kidnapped to be slaves for the Columbian drug growers and peddlers. The women’s jobs were to be subservient to the masters of the house. This included sex.

Danny. Ladies, we know your dilemma. Two of you were sold as slaves in the Caribbean. The islands are Costa Rica and Aruba, respectively. Since this was many years ago, your loved ones have given you up for dead. All of you are blondes, and the human traffickers are mostly interested in blond women. Lastly, the third one of you was sold into slavery in Mexico. Your family is still hiring private detectives in the hopes of finding you whether dead or alive. Tell us where you want to go, and we will transport you there immediately. Because of your incarceration by these evil people, you have become addicted to opiates. The Almighty will cure you of your drug dependence.

First woman. We don’t understand. We never heard of talking dogs.

Runner. Well, we do talk. We were sent here by the Almighty. Now, where would you like us to send you ladies?

First woman. My home is in Athens, Ohio. I very much want to go back to my family.

Runner. Considerate it done. Begone to your home in Athens, Ohio.

Second woman. I am from Denver, Colorado. I can’t wait to get home to see my parents.

Doggie. It is as you wish. Begone to your home in Denver, Colorado.

Third woman. I lived many years in Brownsville, Texas. I want to go home to my husband and children.

Peanut Butter. So, let it be done. Begone to your home in Brownsville, Texas.

The dogs scout around and are looking for drug runners or farmers who are trying to get out of there. The men are entrapped by the fire. They are surrounded by the fire. All of them have varying degrees of burns on their bodies.

First man. How the hell can dogs just walk right through fire?

Vinney. Of the seven of you, six of you are here to buy opiates for eventual shipping to the US. You’ve already paid for the drugs and are just waiting for a plane to pick up you and the drugs. All cash on the premises has already been destroyed. As for the six of you, begone to Reprobate City. For the rest of your physical lives, you will roam Reprobate City until you pass on. Then you will go directly to hell.

Danny. As for the last one of you, you are an FBI undercover agent, therefore, begone back to FBI headquarters in Washington City.

The dogs continue to search out survivors of the fire. They find eight more people, six men and two women. The eight people are scorched and are suffering from dehydration. They are astonished at the dogs as they stroll through the fire. A tree falls on Doggie, and it goes right through him. He just keeps on walking.

Doggie. People, we are here to send all of you to your respective destinations. Of the eight of you, five of you are farmers here in the poppy fields. Now, begone to Reprobate City. Two of you work for the Columbian government and are here to get your share of the proceeds. So, begone to Reprobate City. As for you, young lady, you live on the edge of town and wandered over here while you were looking for your cat. Your cat is over there in that area that the fire hasn’t reached yet. So, grab your feline friend and go home. Eventually, you will be in the heavenly realm.

The fire rages on as it burns up acre after acre of unprocessed opiates. At the rate it’s going, it could burn up the whole country of opiates. Field after field goes up in smoke. The atmosphere is consumed by the opiate fires. The fires are definitely out of control. In their traveling, the dogs come across an in-ground swimming pool. The dogs decide to go skinny-dipping for a half hour or so. They can catch up with fire later. Danny relaxes on the bottom of the pool and then does a couple of laps around the pool. Runner practices playing dead in the water, which isn’t any trouble at all because Runner is dead. Doggie is doing laps around the pool and is looking for anything he can bite in the ass. Peanut Butter is paddling around the shallow end. He’s not the greatest swimmer in the world, so he’s playing it safe. He has forgotten that he is already dead. Vinney does a few laps and then dives down to the bottom. He pulls out the plug and pool starts draining. Just before he gets out of the pool, he takes a crap. Vinney hasn’t changed.

After a dip in the pool, the dogs decide to do a little sunbathing. Finally, it’s time to get back to their duties. They continue to go around the countryside. They are either stoking old fires or starting new ones. The fires bypass towns and cities but totally devastate the poppy countryside. There’s not enough manpower and equipment in the western hemisphere to quench these fires. The country of Columbia is a raging inferno. They come across a small airport. Apparently, it’s an opiate export station, mainly to the United States. The dogs put a stop to any planes leaving the airport. There are two planes on the runways. They are trying to take off, but the planes won’t move. Both planes are loaded with packages of opiates destined for the US. The dogs destroy the planes by fire which in turn destroys the opiate packages. Vinney loves it. He is used to destroying picnic tables and chairs. Now, he’s destroying airplanes.

The dogs stumble upon a warehouse full of contraband. Vinney and Peanut Butter destroy the warehouse as well as everything that’s in it. It’s getting close to lunchtime.

Doggie. This is just like the good old days. Let’s look for some food to steal.

Peanut Butter. Doggie, I see a small burger place over there. Why don’t we join them for lunch?

Danny. Great idea, Peanut Butter. Let’s go. Charge!

The dogs enter the burger place. There are a whole bunch of prepared meals just sitting on plates. Maybe the owners prepared the meals in anticipation of the dogs’ arrival. The dogs are not waiting for an invitation to eat. They climb on the food table and start eating. The worse part of this job is that they have to remove the containers and chew through the paper wrappers.

Since Doggie is already dead, he doesn’t have to worry about eating onions, garlic, and chocolate. He would just as soon skip the garlic and onions and concentrate on the chocolate. Peanut Butter, while inhaling slices of roast beef, sits on a plate of egg salad. He was never any good at keeping his rectum very clean. None of the dogs particularly care for egg salad anyway. Vinney joins Peanut Butter at the roast beef table. He accidentally craps in a large bowl of salad. Well, dogs don’t eat salads anyway. Danny is munching away at the cold cuts table. He decides to park his ass in the three-bean soup. Dogs don’t eat three-bean soup. Doggie grabs a whole turkey and walks away with it. It will go well with his pork chops. Meanwhile, Runner has found the seafood table. He’s eating shelled lobster, crab, and shrimp. This meal was an unsuspected surprise. It was nice of the people to make them a buffet. There’s no room for dessert.

From the grill, Vinney and Peanut Butter start a fire in the kitchen. It quickly gets out of control. Since the dogs are impervious to fire now, they start eating again. Soon, the entire burger house is engulfed in flames. The people flee for their lives. The dogs leisurely stroll out through a wall.

The fires are everywhere. The entire airport is on fire. The dogs discover thirty-two people huddled together on the outskirts of the airport. Of the thirty-two, twenty are farmers or peddlers of the opiate crops.

Doggie. You twenty people, begone to Reprobate City.

Of the remaining twelve, four are just tourists.

Doggie. You four are being transported to the capital city airport. When you arrive, take the next flight to wherever you wish to go.

Of the remaining eight, six are only curiosity seekers who work for the local town.

Doggie. You six people, go back to work!

The last two people are a reporter and a photographer.

Doggie. You have your story. Take some pictures and get the hell out of here.

Reporter. Who the hell ever heard of a talking dog?

Doggie. Who the hell ever heard of a reporter who could keep his mouth shut? If you don’t want to end up in Reprobate City, get the hell out of here!

The reporter and photographer vacate the premises.

The fires still rage out of control. It’s so bad that the president of Columbia has asked for help from Peru, Ecuador, Venezuela, and Brazil. They all declined to help. They are hosing down their borders just in case, though. The four countries refuse to help not because they dislike the Columbians but because the Columbians wouldn’t share in the opiate profits. The strange thing about this whole affair is that the fires seem to skirt around legitimate farms, businesses, towns, and cities. However, the capital is in jeopardy of burning to the ground. When this is all over, the drug cartel’s multibillion-dollar opiate business may only be a multimillion-dollar business. The fires are so big in Columbia that environmental temperatures in that area have actually risen about two degrees.

As they travel along, the dogs aid and comfort the innocent people while throwing the guilty people into Reprobate City. There have also been several deaths whether it be accidental or at the paws of the dogs. One drug lord takes his machine gun and fires a hundred bullets at the dogs. The dogs are not hurt, but he does kill his own son in the process. Doggie assigns him to Reprobate City. In another situation, a member of the cartel uses a military flame thrower on the dogs. It doesn’t harm the dogs, but it does cause the fire to get bigger and to burn faster. It blows up in his face. Although the cartel member is wounded, Vinney sends him to Reprobate City. In another instance, a cartel member drives a Sherman tank at the dogs. After firing several rounds, the dogs are unhurt. Peanut Butter sends the driver to Reprobate City and the tank to hell where it blows up in the abyss. The daughter of a cartel member decides to toss a hand grenade at the dogs. She is a little confused, though. When she pulls the pin, she drops the grenade and throws the pin at the dogs. Her body is in pieces and her spirit is in hell. Then, there is the case of the sniper. He keeps shooting at the dogs from a couple of hundred yards away to no avail. The dogs transport themselves to where he is shooting from. Then, Danny puts him in Reprobate City. Then, there is the guy who saturates the dogs with a poisonous gas, so he thinks. When it is over, he is dead.

From the fires, the Columbian economy is devastated. Immediately, the Columbian peso is becoming worthless due to accelerated inflation. There’s an effort by the populace to convert Columbian pesos into any other currency. Fortunately for the drug kingpins, much of their money is in Swiss bank accounts or in banks in the Caiman Islands. Columbia has become a third-world nation overnight. There is rioting in the streets. There’s a threat of an overthrow of the government. A rebel force has been born and has control of the military. The drug cartel has formed its own military. Civil war is breaking out. Federal troops are everywhere in an attempt to maintain law and order. Destruction of the poppy fields has created a multiplier effect on the economy.

As the drug cartel has lost billions in revenue, the cartel authorizes that a bounty be put on the five dogs. It basically says, Wanted dead: five dogs for criminal activities. Reward: ten million American dollars for each dead dog. The dogs’ pictures are posted all over the place. Apparently, the drug peddlers don’t realize that the five dogs are already dead. They have spiritual bodies. They cannot be hurt or killed. The dogs are just elated over the fact that they are on the Columbian shit list.

Peanut Butter. It’s about time that we got some recognition for what we do. This is even better than having our pictures on the post office wall. Our pictures are posted all over Columbia. We are the Magnificent Five. It took a lot of years, but it was worth the wait. Everywhere we went, the Almighty provided a smorgasbord of food. We didn’t get to chase anything, but a whole bunch of people were chasing us. It’s the thrill of being caught all over again.

Vinney. I love our assignment that the Almighty gave us. We just didn’t get to destroy tables and chairs. We destroyed a whole country. Let’s go glean the fields and burn up any remnants that we might have missed.

Danny. There’s a Columbian military base up ahead. Let’s go hit the chow hall.

The dogs arrive at the designated area and enter the dining area.

Doggie. I found the steaks. They are delicious. Come on, fellas, there’s enough here for an army. I can’t eat all these steaks myself.

Danny. We hit pay dirt. They are not overcooked either. It’s just the way I like them.

Vinney. These steaks taste just like the Almighty prepares for us. I don’t see him around though.

Doggie. Thanks for the meal.

Peanut Butter. If I keep eating these steaks, I am gonna gain back those thirty pounds that I lost when I died. Oh well, fat or skinny, I am one good-looking canine.

Runner. This is one of the best meals I’ve ever had. And they have not had time to soak them in that crappy A-1 steak sauce. Here come the soldiers with their guns.

The dogs keep eating. Bullets can’t hurt them. As the dogs become full, they start crapping everywhere. The soldiers start shooting at the dogs with automatic rifles. The soldiers immediately recognize the dogs from the posted pictures. They are after the rewards. Five dead dogs translate into fifty million US dollars. The soldiers destroy the entire mess hall, but the dogs are unscathed. Peanut Butter is sick of the loud noises from the gunfire, so he sends the soldiers to Reprobate City. Now, the dogs can finish their meals and relax in the South American sun.

As the dogs travel on, there is occasional sniper fire from afar. It seems that everyone is after the reward money that is on the heads of the dogs. Every time a sniper takes a shot at the dogs, Peanut Butter sends him to Reprobate City. That gives Vinney an idea.

Vinney. Why don’t we all go to Reprobate City? We can chase the people there, or maybe, the people can chase us. They have spiritual bodies too, so no one will get hurt.

Bear in mind, most of Vinney’s ideas are ridiculous.

Danny. Vinney, you know very well that only humans are allowed in Reprobate City or hell. On the other hand, we’d be just visiting. Okay, let’s go.

The dogs arrive in Reprobate City. They find one guy and begin to chase him. However, he’s just too slow. Humans don’t move very quickly. The dogs soon discover that visiting Reprobate City was a bad idea. In Reprobate City, there is nothing to chase except humans, and they are too slow. There’s nothing to wreck except titanium wheat stalks. There is no food to steal, and there aren’t any swimming holes. The guy they were chasing asks if they would take him when they leave.

Man. Hey, you guys, take me with you back to earth.

Doggie. Mister, we may not do that because first, it’s not in the Almighty’s will, and second, you are a resident here because you are a rapist and a murderer. You will be here for the rest of your life. When you die, you will be transported to hell for eternity. We are just visiting here.

Runner. Let’s go to hell. We might find some of those rotten humans who were rotten to us when we were alive on earth. We could taunt the shit out of them.

Danny. We can go. However, between the liquid fire and the salt, I don’t think that we can make their existence in hell any worse than it already is.

The dogs arrive in hell. There, they meet Abraham, the overseer.

Abraham. Hi, fellas. Go taunt any of my residents. They deserve it. Some of those sons a bitches will be familiar to you.

For the rest of the day, the dogs visit with people from their earthly lives. Peanut Butter sees one of his human acquaintances from the earthly life. This guy was one of his abusers and hated Peanut Butter. He begs Peanut Butter to get him out of hell. But no one can take a lost soul out of hell. Vinney sees one of his human acquaintances from the time he was in North Carolina. The woman promises Vinney everything if Vinney would just take her out of this forsaken place. However, it’s not within Vinney’s power to remove her from hell. Danny sees one of his human acquaintances from the dog track. The man asks for water and desperately wants to escape. The man is getting his just rewards and can never leave the infernal regions. The man forgets that he never gave Danny enough food at the dog track. Runner meets several people from the dog track. One of them used to hit Runner with a 2 × 4 all the time. He has selective memory, though. Runner can do nothing for these people. Doggie, on the other hand, can’t find anyone who hurt him while he was on earth. He only remembers the good relationship that he had with the one human he ever knew. That human is still alive.

Danny. We’re leaving now. We’re going to set some more fires in Columbia. Doggie, while the rest of us are burning up Columbia, you go visit with your human friend for a while. Meet us back in Columbia.

Doggie. I’ll see you guys in a little while.

Doggie goes to his friend’s home. It is certainly a tearful reunion. Doggie tells his friend that he will be waiting for him in the heavenly realm. They spend all afternoon together. Doggie tells his friend that when time comes, he will go with him through the tunnel of light. Finally, it’s time for Doggie to leave. He has to set more fires in Columbia. Doggie arrives in Columbia. He sees that his friends are encountering machine gun fire from a few drug peddlers. There are pockets of resistance here and there. Peanut Butter then sends them to Reprobate City.

After a while, Columbia is just a wasteland. Eventually, it will grow back though, so the drug cartel can start all over again. They have completed their first assignment. They return to the heavenly realm.