The Human World from a Canine Point of View

By Roy D D Perkins

This is the story of five talking dogs-four living and one dead. It contains about seventy-two thousand words. The story deals with how these canines react to the human world, its rules, and its way of life. Although this is a book of fantasy, it portrays how the dogs might interact with the humans. The dogs try to figure out what makes the humans tick in the manner they do. They are certainly an odd duck species. The story reveals how the dogs live for the moment, not concerned with the future. Meanwhile, the humans live for the future, which may never come. While the dogs are prepared for the next life, the humans are definitely not prepared. The dogs know where they are going. The humans think they are going to one place but are really going to another. It's a story of love, compassion, relationships, endurance, dependence, and independence. The main characters are five dogs: Runner, a greyhound, the leader of the pact Danny, a greyhound, deceased and spiritual leader and earthly advisor Vinney, a whippet and risk-taking lunatic that acts first and thinks later Doggie, a treeing walker coonhound and cocker spaniel mix and an immigrant from West Virginia who is educated and rational Peanut Butter, a pug and beagle mix that is naive and uneducated except for four months in a biology class. Danny, the dead one, communicates with the Almighty frequently. The Almighty informs Danny about the dogs' next adventure as to benefits and hazards. Danny relays the info to Runner. On every adventure, the dogs run against the grain of the law. The Almighty makes sure the dogs never get into trouble. He is an accessory to their crimes, before and after the act. The dogs seem to be invulnerable to prosecution, thanks to the Almighty's playing interference for the dogs.

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Feb 14, 2018
• ISBN: 9781641386593

Book preview

Chapter One

Introduction to Humans

The dogs all gather outside the electric fence. Runner, Vinney, and Peanut Butter have to get through the electric fence around their yard in order to join up with Doggie and Danny. This is sort of a morning ritual. Vinney leads off. Hitting the electricity at forty miles per hour, Vinney barrels right through. He hardly feels the electric current. If Vinney can do it, so can Runner and Peanut Butter. Not as fast as Vinney, Runner races toward the invisible fence. He is shocked but does get through via sheer momentum. Then Peanut Butter takes his turn. He is the slowest dog in the pact. He takes his turn. Peanut Butter doesn’t wear a shock collar yet because the humans haven’t had time to get him one. So Peanut Butter slowly waddles through the electric fence. Danny, being in a spiritual body, can go back and forth without being shocked. All five dogs are now outside the electric fence. They can begin their day, philosophizing, investigating, hunting, trespassing, and seeking out what doesn’t belong to them.

Runner starts talking about the upside and the downside of humans.

Runner says, Boys, let me tell you a little about humans. First of all, don’t trust them as far as you can throw them. If you live with them awhile, you will see that they have certain quirks about them. The easiest way to piss off a human is to urinate or to crap inside their houses. They hate cleaning up after us, especially canine waste products. Vinney, you are the biggest offender here. You are very close to getting kicked out on your ass because you piss and crap on the floor.

Vinney replies, Wait a minute, Runner. I can’t open the door by myself, and at four o’clock in the morning, the humans aren’t up yet to let me outside. What am I supposed to do, hold it in till I explode? Besides, I am pretty darn cute, and those humans love me to pieces. Besides, how do they know I did it?

Runner replies, Vinney, never mind the bullshit. You know you did it. I didn’t do it, and Peanut Butter sleeps all night right next to me. So he didn’t do it. And we all know that the humans didn’t do it.

Doggie chimes in. I remember when I was sick. I had a couple of accidents, but the guy I am living with didn’t seem to mind at all. He understood.

Danny then says, When I was alive, I never crapped on the floor. I was able to hold it till the humans let me out. Now that I am dead, I don’t have a problem of holding it in. I literally never have to go to the bathroom anymore. That’s an upside to being dead.

Peanut Butter says, I only had one accident, which was at another human’s house. They picked me up and urine came out all over the place. The humans who owned the house were a little upset, but they got over it.

Doggie then says, How did we get on this subject?

Runner replies, "We’re on this subject because Vinnie won’t stop crapping and peeing on the floor. I say again, humans don’t like that. Vinnie, Doggie, and Peanut Butter, I am trying to tell you guys how to survive in a human world. Danny, it doesn’t apply to you anymore since you no longer have a physical body. Bottom line, Vinnie, if you don’t change your ways, you’re going to be kicked out. And they might throw us all out. So stop crapping on the floor. Eat less and you will crap less.

Runner then says, Let’s table this matter for another time.

Peanut Butter then asks, What the hell does that mean?

Doggie then says, It means that he’s putting off till next time what he should get done right now.

Runner then says, While we’re just standing around, I’d like to talk about getting sympathy from humans. Now listen up, fellas. The best way to get sympathy from humans is to pretend you are sick or injured. If you throw up, humans will understand. It’s not the same as crapping on the floor. Understand, Vinnie?

Vinnie replies, What’s the difference? It’s only coming out the other end. It just hasn’t been processed yet.

Doggie says, Listen to him, Vinney. It may not make sense to you, but you are in a human world. You better learn to adapt to these human idiosyncrasies. When in India, do as the Indians do.

Peanut Butter then says, Doggie, it’s Rome, not India.

Runner replies, Let’s get back on track here. We were discussing how to get sympathy from those dumb humans. If they believe you are sick or injured, they might even take you to the vet. But don’t worry. The vet is even dumber than the humans you live with. He will tell them that it’s probably a stomach virus that is going around.

Runner continues, Vinney, tell the guys how you get out of going to the vet.

Vinney says, When I am in the car, before they get out of the driveway, I throw up. Believe me, this discourages them from wanting to take me to the vet. It’s a foolproof method for staying home.

Peanut Butter pipes in, What happens if you’re really sick?

Vinney says, The humans put me in the car and tie a plastic bag around my mouth. One human sort of holds the bag in place while another drives. On those occasions, I don’t throw up. The humans don’t understand it and I am not about to tell them.

Doggie then says, I love riding in a car. I never throw up. I don’t even mind going to the vet. I only get upset when this guy leaves me at the vet. The vet hospital is a terrible place that no canine should have to experience. It’s is especially terrible when the vet sticks that rod up into your rectum. It feels like a baseball bat.

Runner then says, Getting back to sympathy from humans. Another way to get sympathy is to let them think that they are the bosses or that they have the upper hand. We all know that humans are too dumb to have the upper hand. They are not capable of being in charge, but always let them think that they are in charge.

Peanut Butter then says, There’s another way. I just jump up into someone’s lap. Humans love that and so do I. I find that buttering up to humans is a good way to get rewards.

Vinney says, Giving humans tongue kisses is the perfect way to soften them up. Lick their faces nonstop even if you just finished licking your rectum. They just love it.

Doggie then says, Wagging your tail also puts them in the mood. They think that you’re happy and content with their infantile bullshit. They’re not smart enough to realize that it’s a completely different matter when a cat wags his tail. That means he is pissed and ready to use his sharp claws.

Danny then says, When I was alive, I used to use my tongue a lot to get my own way. It’s an effective technique for making the humans think that you love them. I gotta tell ya, fellas. There’s a lot to being dead. There is no pain, illness, or curve balls that life throws at us.

Runner then asks, Danny, when do you have to go back?

Danny replies, Well, it’s like this. The Almighty gave the refurbishment job to a couple of ‘single-digit IQ’ angels who don’t know a two-by-four from a hub cap. Needless to say, they have made a few mistakes that warranted starting all over again. It doesn’t matter though. I like it here too.

Peanut Butter then asks, By the way, Danny, what is it like to be dead?

Danny then says, A lot better than being alive.

Runner then says, Let’s get back to sympathy. Can anyone think of other ways to get sympathy?"

Peanut Butter then says, There’s one sure way to get sympathy. As a matter of fact, I’ve done this a couple of times. I am saying to just take off for two or three days. Humans become distraught over the loss of you. They cry themselves to sleep and even pray to the Almighty. When you do come back, they are so happy to see you that you can get away with anything. The humans think you got loss. However, with my part beagle nose, I can find my way home from anyplace. This last time I took off and never returned. They probably think that I am dead. Maybe, someday, I’ll go back, but I am very happy where I am right now.

Runner then says, That’s quite a testimony, Peanut Butter. I guess it’s true that absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Vinney then says, I have a great relationship with the humans at my house. I am very happy where I am. Who else would let me crap on the floor?

Doggie speaks up and says, I could not be with a better human. I love him to pieces. I would never leave him. I don’t need the sympathy. I want to be with him forever.

Runner then says, Let’s go wandering for a while and see how much trouble we can stir up. It looks like there’s some trash up that hill. Let’s go look around.

After thoroughly checking out the area, sniffing around, nibbling on a couple pieces of cheese pizza, taking a crap, and staking their claim on the territory with their urine, Runner calls another meeting.

Runner says, Gather around, guys. We’ve had a good time for four or five hours now. In a couple of hours, we’ll be heading back. I would like to open up a round robin discussion again concerning our relationship with the humans. Humans like to have control of their dogs. It’s probably best that you cooperate in some fashion. It does have its rewards. Would anyone like to elaborate on the subject?

Peanut Butter chimes in. Those humans don’t have control of me and never will. If I think that the humans are getting too close for comfort or that the leash is getting too short, I just take off. That’s how I ended up with the humans I am with now. I am an independent beagle pug mix. I don’t want to answer to anyone, especially humans.

Runner then says, Okay, so we have an independent beagle pug. Does anyone else have anything to say?

Doggie speaks up. I have a great relationship with my human. We have sort of compromised on who has control of whom. We take care of each other. He takes care of me as far as food, shelter, and the vet while I act a guard dog at the house. We each have a role to play, which we do very well. I love our arrangement.

Danny then says, When I was alive, I allowed the humans to believe that they were the bosses. I was so laidback that I could do whatever I wanted. They were good to me and that’s what’s important. Now, the Almighty has control over me. And if those two dumb angels don’t finish that heavenly refurbishment project, I’ll never get back. Those two angels can go no lower on the IQ scale. The two IQs combined can’t be more than a single digit.

Vinney then says, I am uncontrollable. Whatever I think of, I just do. Most of the time, I am on the humans’ shit list. They all think that I am mentally ill.

Danny then says, We think you are mentally ill too.

Vinney says, I am an independent canine. I don’t think of consequences. I don’t care what these humans think. They don’t have control of me and never will.

Runner then says, Well, independence may be good but I caution you, Vinney, never sever the umbilical cord. You can’t take care of yourself like you think you can. When the cord between you and your mother was severed, a new one immediately grew between you and the humans. By the way, don’t pay any attention to the felines. No one owns or controls a cat. They are very independent and just don’t give a shit. Well, let’s retire for the day and go back to our respective human hosts. Weather permitting and providing there are no vet appointments, we’ll meet back here tomorrow.

They arrive back home at the electric fence. Doggie heads up the road to his house. He has no electric fence in his way. He is greeted with love and kisses from his human. He eats supper and then sacks out in his canine bed. The human is watching television. Danny walks right through the electric fence, which has no effect on his spiritual body. He doesn’t need doors. He walks through walls. He also eats and then retires to his old spot on the couch. Peanut Butter just struts through the electric fence without issue. He hopes that the humans never get him a new collar. He has supper and goes upstairs where he too sacks out. Vinnie gets a good running start and runs right through the electric fence at a high rate of speed. The fence didn’t have time to jolt him. Vinnie has supper and goes upstairs and conks out with one of the humans. Runner runs as fast as he can through the fence but is still zapped and a bit dazed. He has a few bites to eat and sleeps downstairs on the living room couch. Runner cannot negotiate stairs, especially going down. Danny never could either.

Chapter Two

Gleaning according to Runner

The next day, it’s raining, so they don’t meet again till the following day. Rainy days are the best days for sleeping in. Again, Doggie is on the outside of the fence, just waiting. Peanut Butter casually walks through the fence. Danny leisurely strolls through the fence. Vinney races through the fence at lightning speed. Runner goes as fast as he can through the electric fence but still gets zapped. Finally, they are all outside the electric fence and ready for this morning’s activities.

Runner says, Listen up, guys. There’s a small poultry farm a couple of miles down the road. I was thinking that we could go there and have some fun after my little talk.

Vinney says, The hell with your little talk. Let’s go now.

Doggie then says, Let’s take a couple of minutes and listen to him. Then we can go chase chickens.

Danny says, I am game for anything you guys want to do. It will be easy for me to catch them. They can’t see or hear me. Only canines can see or hear me.

Runner then says, This morning, I want to discuss gleaning the fields.

Peanut Butter asks, What the hell does gleaning mean?

Runner then says, If you hold your horses, I will elaborate.

Peanut Butter then asks, What the hell does elaborate mean?

Runner then says, Let me explain. Thousands of years ago, in biblical days, the rich fathers would have servants pick their crops. They were told to leave a little behind so that the poor could glean the fields. The poor would then take what is left in the fields.

Doggie then says, Runner, just what the hell are you driving at?

Runner then says, It’s just this. We are going to glean garbage cans and dumpsters. Human are food wasters. Their dumps, dumpsters, and garbage cans are filled with tasty delights. At every restaurant, there is a dumpster. Every home has a garbage can. And to top it off, the town dump is about six or seven miles down the road. So what do you say, guys? Are you in?

Peanut Butter speaks up. Runner, the humans give us enough to eat. If I feast out on dump stuff, I won’t have room for supper when I go home.

Doggie then says, Yeah, my guy gives me more than enough to eat every day, plus I get treats to boot.

Vinney, says, Can we get into trouble by gleaning the dumps?

Runner then says, That’s possible if there is some crotchety old human hanging around.

Vinney then says, Great. I am in. Let’s go do it. If we get caught, I can run like the wind.

Runner then says, Except for Vinney, you guys don’t understand. It’s the thrill of possibly getting caught. Besides, dump food is always better than human home cooking or store-bought dog food. I tell you what. Let’s go scrounge the dumps and knock over some garbage cans. Then we’ll go chase some chickens as we planned.

Vinney says, That sounds like a plan to me. If we get caught, I’ll decoy those beer belly humans into chasing me. That way, the rest of you can run like hell into the woods.

Peanut Butter says, That’s okay with me. If I get lost, my nose will get me home. This is going to be a lot of fun. I hope some human comes out and yells at us. We can bark and growl at him.

Doggie says, Sometimes dump food makes me sick. But that’s okay. If my human thinks I have an upset stomach, he’ll love me to pieces. It will be more convincing if I throw up on the floor though. Too be honest, this guy will love me whether I throw up or not. So I say, let’s do it.

Danny says his two cents’ worth. Guys, basically, I am going along for the ride. I’ll eat some of the dump food. I don’t get sick anymore since I dropped dead in the humans living room. And if the shouting and shooting start, I’ll just sit on the side lines and enjoy the show. I sure wish the humans could see and hear me. It would be so much more fun. Then, they could chase me too.

Runner says, Okay, it’s a done deal. By the way, don’t hurt or kill the chickens. If there are no injuries or death, the humans will probably go inside and forget about it. However, if we accidentally bump off a few chickens, the humans will call the cops. Then, there will be an investigation. The humans will give a description of us to the human cops. If they trace us down to our human families, then the humans will have to make financial restitution. They won’t like that. They don’t like to part with their money. So does everyone understand that we are only to stir up a ruckus for a few minutes and then take off for parts unknown?"

Danny then says, This is a catastrophe waiting to happen. Let’s go. If I have to wait for those two dumb angels to refurbish heaven, I might as well have some fun.

The dogs arrive at the chicken farm. However, their plan is about to go amuck. Runner, Vinney, Peanut Butter, and Doggie start chasing the chickens. Danny just sits and watches the commotion. The chickens are plucking like no tomorrow. The air is full of feathers. The farm is in chaos. All of a sudden, the farmer comes out with a ten-gauge shotgun loaded with buckshot. He’s shooting and reloading repeatedly. All four dogs hightail it for the woods. Danny just sits there and chuckles.

In the process, the farmer has shot several of his chickens. It’s a miracle that there are no fatalities. He goes back in the house and calls the chicken police. The farmer reports to the cops that a pact of dogs was after his chickens. Fortunately, in the chaos, the farmer did not get a good description except for a fat one that is short to the ground and a big one that looked like a deer.

Later on in the woods, the dogs check out their wounds. Danny escaped unscathed as he is invisible to humans. He has a spiritual body. He is still laughing. Runner took a couple of BBs in his side. He is hurting a little, but it’s not fatal. He still had a good time. Doggie got hit in the rear end. Two BBs just missed his rectum. He too is hurting, but he too will survive. Vinnie took a BB in the side of his head, but it seemed to have no effect on him. He wants to do it again sometime. Peanut Butter was so low to the ground that the farmer shot his chickens instead. He escaped without injury. He never had so much fun in his life.

When the dogs get home, the humans are baffled. What the hell has happened? Although Peanut Butter seems fine, the side of Vinney’s head is a little swollen and Runner’s side is a little swollen. At Doggie’s house, Doggie is acting strangely. He can’t sit on his butt. It’s a little swollen. Both families make arrangement for the dogs to visit the vet. In all three cases, of Runner, Vinney, and Doggie, the vets determine that they were shot with bb’s. He notifies the cops who are different from the cops that the farmer called. All the dogs are restricted to barracks for a few days. No one knows what’s going on because none of the dogs are talking. They all want to recreate that event.

Chapter Three

Raccoons or Skunks according to Danny or Doggie

After several days, all