Douglas and the Reluctant Pastor: The Hell Dog and His Sidekick

By Roy D Perkins

This is the story of Pastor Micah Whitfield and his omnipotent and omniscient treeing walker coonhound named Douglas. Micah will gradually discover that Douglas has supernatural powers as endowed to him by the Almighty. Douglas is on a mission from the Almighty. He is to guide and mold Pastor Micah into a fit hellfire-and-brimstone pastor. Douglas has his work cut out for him as Micah is very reluctant to perform his pastoral duties. Douglas is the real pastor of the church. Douglas writes the sermons, leads communion services, leads Bible studies, and does most of all the Christian counseling as Micah is inept at all of them. In exchange, Douglas is rewarded with porterhouse steaks and cheesecake.

Eventually, Douglas becomes known as the Hell Dog. He frequently gives guided tours of hell. Occasionally, he gives a tour of the heavenly realm or Reprobate City. As Douglas and Micah become inseparable, the reader discovers that this "perfect canine" has some flaws. He frequently gets Micah into trouble in the church, on vacation, and during their demonstrations and marches on the capital city and Washington City. Micah is always getting arrested. Douglas is always there to break him out of jail. They frequently become fugitives from injustice. On the other hand, Douglas sometimes does some pro bono work for the police department. He wears a badge that says, "Deputized Outlaw."

Just before vacation, Micah is impeached by the congregation. Douglas gives a long-winded dissertation about salvation and the Almighty. He even takes the entire congregation on a tour of hell. When he is done, Micah has the congregation on his side. This lays the groundwork for putting words into action. The entire congregation is in a "demonstration mode."

• Language: English
• Publisher: Page Publishing, Inc.
• Release date: Dec 14, 2022
• ISBN: 9798886547245

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Douglas and the Reluctant Pastor

The Hell Dog and His Sidekick

Roy D Perkins

Copyright © 2022 Roy D. Perkins

All rights reserved

First Edition

PAGE PUBLISHING

Conneaut Lake, PA

First originally published by Page Publishing 2022

ISBN 979-8-88654-712-2 (pbk)

ISBN 979-8-88654-724-5 (digital)

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

Introduction

Chapter 1

Who Is the Real Counselor?

Chapter 2

Heaven, Hell, and Reprobate City

Chapter 3

The Deacon's Funeral

Chapter 4

Communion Sunday

Chapter 5

Micah's Impeachment

Chapter 6

The Verdict

Chapter 7

On Vacation

Chapter 8

The Investigation

Chapter 9

A Day of Counseling

Chapter 10

The Church's Stand on Issues

Epilogue

About the Author

Introduction

This is the story of Pastor Micah Whitfield and his talking dog, Douglas. Pastor Micah is the spiritual leader of the local nondenominational church and is way over his head. Micah is a recent graduate of seminary in the capital city. After graduating from high school, Micah works his way through college. It takes him seven years to get his bachelor's degree and four more years to get his master's degree. He majors in world history. He has his teaching certificate. While teaching, Micah attends seminary and takes another two years to finish. He is now a member of the clergy. About four months before he finishes seminary, Douglas is born. Douglas is just a puppy when he comes to the Whitfield household.

After finishing seminary, Micah applies for several positions as a pastor for churches in the county. As Micah lives in a small New England town called Wetzel, he wants a position within twenty-five miles from home. As Micah puts out résumés to churches that are looking for pastors, he realizes that he has a big problem. Other than seminary, Micah has no experience in the clergy. He has never read the Bible and has no idea how to lead a flock.

However, Micah has an advantage over other candidates. He has recently discovered that Douglas can talk through mental telepathy. Douglas introduces himself as Douglas to Micah. Douglas is a treeing walker coonhound. Micah believes that Douglas's IQ is higher than his own. Over the course of time, Micah and Douglas have several conversations. Micah discovers that Douglas is very knowledgeable about the Bible, God, heaven, and hell. This can be worthwhile information down the road.

Being the breed of dog that he is, Douglas sometimes gets into trouble. He likes to chase other critters. He will chase anything. Size doesn't matter. That's what treeing walker coonhounds do. This is probably Douglas's only flaw. Douglas tells Micah that he was sent to Earth to help Micah in his endeavor to be a pastor. It's a good thing too because Micah faked his way through seminary. They don't give passing or failing grades there, so just about any philosophy and doctrine will do to meet the criteria for graduation. No one ever flunks out.

Micah works for a box manufacturing company. It doesn't pay a lot of money, but it's enough for him and Douglas. His plan is to quit his job as soon as he lands a position as a pastor in a church. During any given evening, Douglas tutors Micah about the Bible, prophesying, and creating sermons. Douglas has to start from scratch as Micah is biblically illiterate.

Finally, there is an opening in a nondenominational church in town. Micah lands the position as pastor of the church. He interviews for the position and is immediately well received. As the congregation wants to hear a sermon before hiring him, he preaches one Sunday. The message was written by Douglas. The congregation is very much impressed. Micah couldn't have done it on his own. Every night, Douglas imparts wisdom to Micah concerning the Bible and leading the Sunday morning service. Douglas figures that he has about three years' work ahead of him. He has to start from scratch.

Douglas and Micah are becoming quite a team. Micah takes good care of Douglas in regard to food, water, vet care, shelter, and emotional bonding. Douglas loves the affection. In return, Douglas tutors Micah in the ways of being a pastor in a church. Now just where did Douglas get this information on religion? Well, the Almighty endowed him with it before Douglas was ever born. Douglas not only has sound biblical doctrine, but also has other talents and abilities not yet revealed to Micah.

Micah still has his job at the box company in Wetzel. He doesn't want to quit his day job right away. He plans to keep it until he no longer needs Douglas to tutor him. Micah will have that day job for quite some time. As homework, Douglas assigns Micah to take time out to read the entire Bible. Douglas is always there to answer any questions. Douglas tells Micah to use the King James Version or the New American Standard. Reading the Bible is going to take Micah several months to finish. He is always asking questions. Douglas has all the answers.

Early in his ministry at the church, parishioners ask Micah to start a Bible study. He is flabbergasted as he has no idea how to lead a Bible study. He tells the parishioners that he will get back to them as to dates and times. He will have to take a crash course from Douglas. It's too bad that Douglas couldn't just lead the study in the first place. Douglas informs Micah that there are two different types of Bible studies: (1) a book study, whereby a book of the Bible is selected, then the study involves studying chapter by chapter and verse by verse; and (2) a topical study, whereby certain topics or themes are selected and then studied by a preselection of books, chapters, and verses of the Bible. He also tells Micah that most Bible studies are book studies. However, a topical study will be more beneficial for learning about contemporary subjects.

To make it a little easier, Douglas suggests a book study. So Douglas begins to teach Micah how to lead a book study on the Bible. So Douglas has ongoing classes with Micah concerning Bible principles and prophecies, how to lead a Sunday service, and how to lead a Bible study.

Micah: Douglas, I'll bet you're wondering how I ever got through seminary.

Douglas: No, I am not. In seminary, there is no passing or failing. It's impossible to flunk out. And there are a bunch of PhDs just waiting to take your money. All they do is to turn out ignorant pastors. Either the pastors learn on their own in the outside world or get jobs in adjacent vocations. Sooner or later, the congregation might have caught up with you. However, some congregations just put up with ignorant pastors. Don't worry! Your education is just beginning. I'll get you through this mess.

Of late, the congregation has asked Micah to make calls on the sick. Some are in the hospital. This is also unfamiliar territory for Micah.

Micah: Douglas, I've never done this before. Help me out here.

Douglas: Micah, wear that suave-looking trench coat you have. By wearing it, the people will think that you know what you are talking about. I'll make myself invisible. I'll speak to you through mental telepathy. No one else will be able to hear me. If you want to communicate with me, just think about it. I'll get the message. After a half dozen or so sick and hospital visits, you will get the hang of it.

Micah: You have the power to make yourself invisible too?

Douglas: Yes. I can do a lot of other stuff too. But let's not rush into it.

Douglas and Micah pull this ruse for several months before Micah finally is able to do it on his own.

Most of the time, Douglas is right beside Micah in the Sunday service, but Douglas hasn't told Micah yet. Micah is not very good at serving communion in church, so Douglas prompts him as to what's next. Micah does whatever Douglas tells him to do in the communion service. Micah isn't too confident about asking for the blessing on the bread or cup, so he always has the deacons do it. Douglas tells him that he must learn to do it himself, but Micah isn't listening. Micah is simply terrible about explaining the communion Bible passage, even though he has led the communion service dozens of times.

Douglas is Micah's invisible mouthpiece.

Douglas: Micah, you must explain to the congregation the consequences of taking communion unworthily.

Micah: "How can I explain it to the congregation if I don't understand it myself? What does the scripture mean when it says death?"

Douglas: It means one can physically die if one is not serious and repentant. Just why the hell did you get into the clergy business anyway?

Micah: Because I wasn't able to do anything else. I am not good with my hands or my brain.

Douglas: You are not very good at pastoring either.

Micah: Douglas, I never wanted to be a pastor, but one has to do something for a living. I thought it would be a lot easier. I am sure the Almighty realizes that I am a fraud. I should be doing something else.

Douglas: You should have been a history teacher. You would have done well in that field. Lecture to your students for the entire class period, and occasionally, give an exam with all essay questions. That way, you could grade the papers subjectively. Essay questions are always very opinionated.

Micah: At the time, I couldn't find a job as a history teacher. So I got my master's in religion. And I still don't know a bloody thing about the Almighty.

Douglas: You are blessed that the congregation hasn't booted your ass out of this church. This isn't your ordinary church social club. Its doctrine is pretty close to being accurate. When they hired you, they figured that they could mold you into something you weren't. They didn't have too much money, so they sort of had to take you.

Micah: Do you think that they might be on to me?

Douglas: Certainly, they are on to you. They just don't know what to do with you. The flock is a very literate biblically speaking. However, no one in the congregation wants the job as pastor. That's why they hired you. They were hoping to train you, but you turned out to be untrainable. As a person, you are terrific, but as a pastor, you suck. You weren't called to be a pastor.

Micah: I never really wanted to be a pastor. I'd been better at teaching school. But you have to go where the jobs are. As a result, I am in a job that I don't want and can't do. Just what am I supposed to do now? We need money to pay the rent, to buy groceries, and to put gas in the car.

Douglas: If I continue to tutor you, in five or six years, you will get the hang of it. However, your heart still won't be in it. The Almighty didn't call you. You called yourself. You figured it would be easy. You found out differently. Good pastors are born, not made on the job.

Micah: Let's go over the bread and the cup again. What are we giving thanks for again? I am still very much confused.

Douglas: The bread is for the broken body on the cross, and the cup is for the shed blood on the cross. You should not always rely on your deacons to give thanks for the bread and the cup. You have to stand on your own two feet.

Micah: Maybe I should stand on my own two feet in another vocation.

Douglas: Now you're getting the picture.

The congregation is fully aware that Micah is stumbling his way through the communion service. The congregation is literally carrying his ass, and the congregation is getting tired of it. As inept as Micah is, he does deliver an inspiring and thought-provoking sermon. Little does the congregation know that Douglas is actually preparing them. Some people think that he's getting them from the internet. They haven't been able to find them on the internet though.

Don't ask Micah any questions about his sermons though. He would have to consult with Douglas. Most of the time, Micah reads them with a flare of elegancy. It's sort of like the president who reads a prepared speech. He can add, change, or delete along the way as he sees fit. However, Micah prefers to stick strictly to the script. Although Micah is a fair public speaker, he rarely goes out on a limb to ad lib his personal opinion. Douglas is Micah's ghost writer.

Micah has been invited to many luncheons and dinners either at a restaurant or at someone's home. Invariably, Micah is called upon to ask the blessing on the food. He is still stumbling in this area. Douglas is usually invisible and sitting right beside him. Through mental telepathy, Douglas will give Micah the words of the prayer. Micah still doesn't have the hang of it. On several occasions, the Almighty has told Douglas to get Micah out of the clergy business. Micah won't take the hint. He has nowhere else to go.

For quite some time now, the congregation has wanted to bring up Micah's ineptness at a church council meeting. The problem is that Micah is always at the meetings. The congregation is waiting for Micah to go on vacation so that they can discuss his future at the church. At that time, the church clerk will cease taking the minutes so that everyone may speak freely. The congregation is paying a salary and benefits to Micah, who is not wanted.

Every Sunday after the service, Micah is the first one to leave. He is not exactly a people person. Besides, people might ask him questions about his sermon or about the Bible. He wouldn't know the answer. If Douglas weren't by his side, he couldn't deal with the situation. Occasionally, in the past, if Douglas were mingling with other people, Micah would give his viewpoint. Micah is never right about the scriptures or about Douglas's sermons. Micah feels better when he does his thing and gets out. Micah has to learn that he is expected to bullshit with people after the service. Micah can hold his own as long as the subject matter has nothing to do with God, the Bible, or the church. Micah would just as soon not confront such issues.

One of Micah's flaws is counseling others. He's never been any good at helping others through their miseries. At times, Douglas has contributed to the effort. However, Douglas would rather go outside and chase critters. So Micah makes himself scarce when there is a need for counseling. Micah is supposed to be available for counseling all day on Tuesdays. If there are people seeking counseling on a Tuesday, one of two things usually happens: (1) Douglas will sit beside him, and he will prompt Micah as to what to say (Douglas will remain invisible all this time), and (2) Micah will not show up for the counseling session at all. He may say that he got detained at another meeting. Micah has been very successful at doing either one. Micah would just as soon not be involved with counseling of any kind. In seminary, Micah bluffed this part of his study. He'd make a great poker player.

Usually, if it's any day other than Sunday, Micah will do his best to avoid the congregation. Micah dreads the advent of Tuesday. It's counseling day. He's more comfortable with Douglas right beside him. Douglas is the real counselor. Micah has a landline and a cell phone and won't answer either one of them. Micah would just as soon be walking with Douglas in the woods. He and Douglas are tight. Micah would like to get out of the ministry and to teach history at some high school. He has had many long talks with Douglas about this subject. However, as a teacher, he would have to start on the bottom rung.

Micah realizes that the real pastor of his church is Douglas. Douglas writes all his sermons, tells Micah how and what to pray, leads the communion service, goes with Micah on sick and hospital visits, and is the real church counselor. What would the congregation say if Douglas were revealed as the canine pastor of the church? Truly, as a pastor, Micah is out of his element.

Although the congregation is still carrying Micah, he seems to be improving, only because Douglas is right beside him and leading him in all facets of the church. One morning, Douglas pretended that he wasn't feeling well. Micah had to wing it. He stumbled through every phase of the Sunday service.

Micah: Douglas, if you are going to be sick, don't do it on Sunday. I am totally lost without your hints and prompts.

Douglas: I am not sure what your calling was, but I do know that it wasn't to be a pastor of a church.

Micah: Yeah, I'd much rather be a history teacher. But I think that it's too late to bail out of the clergy.

Douglas: Micah, I don't see how you are gonna make it over the long haul.

Micah: Douglas, I'll just follow your lead.

Douglas: Micah, my life span is a lot shorter than yours. The Almighty could call me home in the next couple of years. You've got decades ahead of you.

Micah: Ask the Almighty to extend your life span to several decades. That's the only way I am going to get through this.

Douglas: Sometime in the near future, I'll go see Him in the heavenly realm. Maybe He can work out something as to increasing my life span or decreasing yours. I am sure we can come to some sort of agreement.

Micah: Have you talked to Him before?

Douglas: I've talked to Him many times. He calls us Douglas and the Reluctant Pastor. He also agrees that you would make a better history teacher.

Micah: Perhaps you could tutor me during the evenings.

Douglas: We can do that, but remember, Micah, you are not a pastor and never will be a pastor.

For the next several months, Douglas tutors Micah three or four evenings during the week. As a reader, you might ask, Where did Douglas get all this Bible knowledge? Well, the Almighty endowed him with this knowledge before he was born. Douglas was destined to help Micah in his daily walk on the earth. Natural pastors are born, not created as they grow to maturity. Micah was not born to be a pastor. He is a creation of his own doing. He will continue to stumble in his daily walk as a clergyman. Micah's duties as a pastor do not come easy to him. He should go teach history at the local high school.

Douglas should be pasturing that church while Micah sits by his side. Somehow, here, there has been a role reversal. What comes easy and natural to most pastors comes with great difficulty to Micah or doesn't come at all. The Almighty realizes it. Douglas realizes it. But Micah cannot comprehend it. Micah can pretty much bluff his way through his ministry as long as Douglas is close by. When Douglas is not by his side, Micah panics. Although Micah is not at home in the ministry, the pay is pretty good, the hours are not burdensome, and there is a dignified environment about the job. Some people think that he is somebody; however, Micah knows that he is nobody.

Now one might wonder how this relationship between Douglas and Micah ever came about. Long before Douglas was born, the Almighty gave Douglas some supernatural abilities and wisdom. Douglas is biblically literate, has knowledge of all subjects, can speak via mental telepathy to whomever he wants, can make himself invisible, can walk through walls, and has a 162 IQ. Micah's IQ is only 119. The Almighty knew that Micah would never make it on his own in the clergy, so He assigned Douglas to guide and tutor him along the way. Douglas has a full-time job.

Occasionally, Micah and Douglas go for walks. Douglas enjoys chasing whatever crosses his path. Even though Douglas is near the Almighty, he is not perfect. Thus, Douglas likes to unwind by chasing other critters. Although he's not the fastest dog on the planet, he is fast enough to catch almost any other animal. To Douglas, it's the enjoyment and thrill of the chase. Douglas is a medium- to large-sized dog, so he can back down just about any critter that he encounters. He never intends to hurt any of the critters.

On one occasion, he got into a little trouble. As Micah pulled up in the driveway, Douglas got out and spotted a critter in the distance. At the time, dusk was turning to darkness. So Micah didn't know how Douglas ever saw it. Meanwhile, the chase was on. All of a sudden, Douglas stopped short. A skunk took aim and sprayed Douglas with his perfumed urine. The chase was over. Here came Douglas. Micah wouldn't let Douglas in the house. Fortunately, Micah found a formula on the internet for getting rid of skunk odor. It's a good thing that this happened in the summertime. Douglas had to take a bath in a big washtub outside on the front lawn. After the bath, Micah dried Douglas off with a thick towel. Now Douglas smelled like Chanel No. 5 again.

Douglas is a strong, vibrant dog. When he's on a leash, the person on the other end may as well just let go when Douglas spots something to chase. Otherwise, that person will be chasing the critter too. It makes Douglas's day when he has the opportunity to chase another dog, cat, squirrel, mole, rabbit, deer, wild turkey, or fox. Douglas is not too concerned about catching a deadly disease like rabies. The Almighty protects Douglas to a great extent. Douglas is actually immortal and cannot die from illness or diseases. Micah doesn't realize this just yet. This is where the veterinarian enters the picture. Micah makes sure that Douglas is protected by taking him to the vet as necessary. Douglas usually goes for shots, heartworm test, and sick visits. Micah doesn't realize that this is a waste of time and money as Douglas has a spiritual body.

At the veterinarian hospital, Douglas is not exactly the most behaved dog in the building. Douglas sees all these other animals and thinks that he can chase them around the hospital. The last time he was here, the vet told Micah not to bring him back. Apparently, Douglas saw a strange-looking creature called an iguana. Douglas accidentally bit off his tail.

Douglas: "But, Micah, I didn't bite that hard. What the hell is that thing anyway [as